Advice needed, (letting someone down)

Hey guys, I am in need of some serious advise.

I am married for a few years now and have been out of the dating/seeking game obviously. So naturally I am not very good at picking up *hints* from the ladies anymore.
however there is one coworker who is most defiantly bat sh*t crazy about me. the evidence just keeps mounting up, constantly calls my office phone asking how i am, and how was my weekend and what i am doing for lunch. hundreds of emails ect... she gets flustered when she sees me around the office, drops stuff stumbles her words/ asks me for my personel cell number, talks about how she is alone at home, her roomate/girlfriend is gone for the week.

this has been going on for a while now, and yes i let her know that i am married and have kids. I think this woman has developed a very dangerous crush on me. i took a few days off of work and when i got back there was a plate of brownies on my desk with a note that said missed you "her name" i cannot keep making excuses up, i am actively trying to avoid her at all costs.

I am not a cheater and will not do anything to jeopardize my marriage.

is she psychotic? does she obsessive have compulsive disorder? or am i paranoid?

please help.

It's easy.
Make it about you.
Tell her that her kindness is making you uncomfortable. She will either say oh I'm sorry or say that she wants you. If it's the latter you can tell her where to go.
Nip it in the bud...

a reply to: Craninalbliss

I will agree with Hoosier here mostly. Flat out tell Her You are feeling somewhat nervous as to Her advances, and let Her know You are flattered and all, but it will just not work out. Try to let Her down kinda easy at it will most likely have some detrimental effects on Her, if You care about that. Or if You don't want to go easy, just tell Her to try for someone else as You are not interested. My 2 cents...... Good Luck!!!

Maybe you could get another co worker to quitley say they have seen whats going on and that it's innapropriate behaviour in the workplace.

That way you would both be spared the embarresment.

a reply to: Craninalbliss

Take the bull by the horns you wimp....face her and let her down gently if you can....or if too scared then sic your old lady on her....She will undoubtedly polish her off quickly....

Or not.......double post...

If she is still chasing after you even though you already told her you weren't interested, I would come right out and tell her this crap has to stop. Tell her again that you are happily married with children and have no desire whatsoever of cheating. She has an unhealthy fascination with you. Not good!

I'd suggest being very direct, letting her down gently may fail if she's that hooked on you.
Something along the lines of "Hey, I appreciate the nice things you've done for me, but they're crossing a comfort line, and that's not acceptable since I'm married. Please, stop."

If she doesn't stop, do you have a HR or a supervisor to report her to if need be it? It could spiral into harassment if left unchecked (assuming it hasn't already)

Ihave already had i sit down with her and told her that i am married and not interested.
i think she is either.

o Mentally Ill
o Obsessive Compulsive
o Delusional
o Sociopath
o A Daemon sent from hell to seduce me.

are there any mental health professionals here that can try to diagnose this, or do i need a priest!

i mean why me of all people i am like 10 years older than her and there are plenty of single dudes her age here?

a reply to: Craninalbliss

OK, knowing that now, I'd suggest letting higher-ups know about this. She's teetering on harassment IMO.

Does your wife know? If this girl is going this far then eventually your wife may find or notice something which may make her question you. You already told this girl what the deal was. I say tell your wife. That way she trusts you if this crazy skank tries something. Happens all the time man!

If it were a man doing this to a woman he would be brought up on sexual harassment charges in a heartbeat. This is really not about you, it's about her inappropriate behavior. Go to Personnel and explain the situation. Don't be thinking you "have to be nice" or need to "let her down easily." THAT'S why harassment continues. YOU are the one in a hostile work environment. Don't do those 'little things' that encourage this kind of behavior either.

a reply to: LoverBoy

i am considering this very very carefully, My wife is an Irish Spitfire put a couple of whiskies in her and all hell breaks loose, any little thing sets her off the handle.

although it would be entertaining to see her storm in to the office and kick the sh*t out of this girl, i dont need her to go to jail and for me to risk my job.

a reply to: Craninalbliss

Sounds like you got yourself a real bunny boiler there CB.
Change your name,move to a far off land with your family,and don't put photos or identifying info on the interwebs.

Hope you get through this mess.

a reply to: Craninalbliss

Well its tough either way you do it.

I would just tell her flat out, like an adult that you dont think its proper behavior since you are a married man. Tell her that you think its nice and all but that you dont want to hurt your wife or for your wife to find out about the extra attention and have her hurt you.

In the end she is an adult and needs to be able to understand that some people may not reciprocate those feelings she has.

That is all entirely on her. Dont be a jerk about it, but be firm and follow through.
If she is crazy or not, sensitive or not, reasonable or not is her problem. She doesnt have the right to make you feel uncomfortable at work.

If she doesnt react to that, tell HR and have them sort it out.

This is the same as you being obsessive with a female coworker who is married or not interested in you that way.

you know whats really kind of a red flag about this too is that when she does speak to me. her eyes do not move they are kind of dead looking, missing that twinkle (soul). i really think she is some kind of Daemon. we got any paranormal experts here?

originally posted by: Craninalbliss

you know whats really kind of a red flag about this too is that when she does speak to me. her eyes do not move they are kind of dead looking, missing that twinkle (soul). i really think she is some kind of Daemon. we got any paranormal experts here?

Haha that's funny except you are somewhat serious. I met one of these recently.. It ended with everything of mine broken and a crazy thing woman girl monster in handcuffs.

Stay away from the crazy.

Human resources is there for guys too.

originally posted by: Craninalbliss

you know whats really kind of a red flag about this too is that when she does speak to me. her eyes do not move they are kind of dead looking, missing that twinkle (soul). i really think she is some kind of Daemon. we got any paranormal experts here?

Oh, c'mon! Don't get all weird on us. You shouldn't even have to talk to this woman AT ALL The less interaction you have with her the better, particularly when this comes down to a personnel action and the woman will have to be warned and/or disciplined. The more you interact with her the weaker your case is. The next thing she'll say is that "he encouraged me." and then it becomes a "he said/she said" scenario. From what you have said, you may be perilously close to that already.

The thing is, you don't know the history here. She may have done this before and have a reputation with the company. You wouldn't be in a position to know. If you go around proclaiming she's a demon and "doesn't have a soul" that makes you as crazy as she is. When you talk to Personnel, which I encourage you to do, just stick to the facts of what has happened and don't feel compelled to tell them YOUR "theories" about her behavior. It won't turn out well for you if you do.

Listen, buddy. I've been a Personnel Manager. Employment law is a tricky business fraught with peril. Employers have very little tolerance for this sort of thing and want nothing to do with it. People get fired over this sort of thing all the time. My own son is one of them. The first time he reported harassment from a customer, they backed him 100%. The second time he reported harassment, this time from a certifiably crazy ex girl friend, they had enough and got rid of him. Was that fair? Nope, but he was the one that kept attracting harassment. I'm assuming for the sake of this thread that you are on the up and up and have left nothing out. You don't want to screw this up.

Do 2 things.

1. Tell your wife about the situation.

It's getting out of hand and she may well find out sooner or later, and it better be from YOU.

If your wife finds out from someone else, you can be sure that she will suspect you of having an affair.


2. Tell your co-worker that you're not interested and to leave you alone.

No explanations, no "I'm happily married" bollocks, no "letting her down gently".

You don't owe her an explanation. You just want her to leave you alone.

a reply to: Craninalbliss

I understand man. I was always taught to never go to someone about a problem unless you have some possible solutions to give at the same time. Sit down with your wife and tell her. Tell her you are going to HR also. You dont want to jeopardize your marriage.