My mother, the model of decorum and manners, has started to say the most racists things

a reply to: anxietydisorder

My grandpa died 3 years ago and since then my grandma (84) has had a very different attitude she's far more outspoken in a forceful way at times, and always has to be contradictory or contrary in conversations plus gives unsolicited opinions and advice. I'm not sure where all this came from since she was never like that before but this change happened almost immediately after he passed. It's weird for sure. While I don't have any real answers I just wanted you to know that you're not the only one dealing with this situation. Take care and hang in there

originally posted by: rickymouse
Is she taking some new medications that could be effecting her comprehension?

I was going to ask the same question! My father (late eighties) recently went into hospital and was heavily medicated. He started shouting all kinds of racial stuff that none of us had EVER heard him say. When he came home from hospital he had no memory of saying any of it.

Even the elderly feel protected when their (even 80 year old) husbands are around. Your father may have been well long past his prime, but your mother felt a sense of protection with him there. No matter how well surrounded or supported by family/nursing/community etc. nobody will offer her that armor that a partnership afforded her that allowed them to face the world and make it together.
Now, she is showing signs of feeling insecure and her words of racism are her defenses. Other races are simply different and she is adjusting to life without her rock next to her. With everything horrid about the world flying around at light speed, imagine trying to deal with all these new found levels of conflicting values we're all expected to adopt. Let alone in your eighties. Multiculturalism has been going through a very shaky period of late, we're told to love each other, but also fear Muslims on the next page.... It's confusing at the best of times. So, I would err on the side of it's probably a pretty normal response that she's going through.

However;

Kosmicjack is also right that a wildly different personality change should be closely monitored by doctors. So keep that in mind. Best of luck with your mum and I hope you can find some further understanding into her mindset, which I'm sure you will seeing your concern for her. I hope my kids worry about me when I get older like you do.

My Mom is super accepting and open with race, nationality, gender identification, etc. She is one of the most unpredjudiced people I have ever known. However, every now and then she makes me cringe by saying, "No Massa!" and similar sayings. She thinks she is being funny, but I consider such jokes offensive. She is in her seventies and grew up on the Brer Rabbit stories and other, similar stories, like Little Black Sambo. When I was little, these were just bedtime stories. Brer Rabbit was a book of short stories and a Disney movie. There was even a "Little Black Sambo" themed pancake restaurant chain. You certainly don't see those around any more! People in my grandparents' neighborhood in Washington DC had cast iron lawn decorations of black livery men. It shocks me when I think about how those things were just taken for granted at the time. We have come a long way, and I chalk up my Mom's occasional joke that is in poor taste as a result of those things having been acceptable in her world for many years.

My Mom is 80 and her parents were Swedish immigrants. Mom was born in Minnesota. Yes, she is anti-immigrant due to them not assimilating into society nowadays. She says that when she was a child her parents, aunts and uncles would only speak English to her and would not allow Swedish to be spoken in their homes. They put education and being American first and foremost. Anyone that didn't speak English and assimilate into society was trash. You should hear her comments about this, they're intense too. And I gotta say, I agree about going with the majority and fitting in to common lifestyles here in the U.S. We don't need mini countries with their own laws and rules, we all need to work together.

STM

originally posted by: Nechash
a reply to: anxietydisorder

Multiculturalism is a relatively new phenomenon. She might not be hateful to others. She might be reenacting things that are familiar and comfortable for her. Things and sentiments she recalls from her childhood. As the things she loves are taken away from her, as she starts realizing how little control she actually has and how inevitable death is, it is only natural for her to feel an overwhelming and inexplicable anger. She might be seeking for a way to vent that anger and she has no clue how to do it.

Don't judge her. She's your mother. Love her and look past the situation to see a being who is suffering and embrace her as one of your own. High minded policy decisions and social politeness are never more important than the tangible realities of family.

Well, that is my advice at least. Do what you will, but try to see the bigger picture.

Great post and very insightful to others. What you and the OP post is exactly what my father is going through. He lashes out hateful toward women which is not at all what he was like up until 3yrs ago. It's like he's a different person.

OP my father is 78 and has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's and moderate dementia. I would suggest a visit to a neurologist for an evaluation. These things can cause major behavior and personality change. Hang in there bud. Get her checked out.

originally posted by: TzarChasm
ugh i hate the N word so much. if they arent using it in a derogatory manner they are being funny with it. they dont seem to realize that there was a time when that word was synyomous with random lynchings and separate drinking fountains. being treated like something inhuman and contagious. maybe it makes them feel more daring and outspoken and less at the end of their rope...because a lot of times, its older people who do it, mostly men. and then they look at me and tell me "i dont give a f***!" like they have something to prove and they'll be damned if they dont let everyone know.

Actually that word is synonymous with that more NOW than it was then. Back in the day it was just a word.
A word can only be as powerful as its intention. It was more of an adjective 100 years ago and not always intended in a hateful manner.

originally posted by: WP4YT
The older you get, the wiser you get. There's a reason most liberals are young; young people are easily brainwashed by the liberal media.

Some old people get greedy, have lost hope, are stubborn, bitter and don't really want the next generation to have it better since they didn't get what they wanted.

That's why people become conservative. It's a totally emotional response to life, it has nothing to do with wisdom.

"I didn't get what I have easily so no one should."

The emotional time bomb in us all making us think irrationally as we get too old.

a reply to: theMediator

Lol, are you serious?

They worked darn hard to get what they have, unlike the entitled idiocracy kids of today. The kids need to get with it and create something of value for their families. If they have nothing to contribute it is on them, not the older generations.

STM

a reply to: anxietydisorder

Um, maybe she is angry about something else,but doesn't want to come out and say anything about that. Instead she is taking it out on different races? Displaced anger I believe they call it. Might want to ask her about why she is saying these things,and if there is anything else that may be bothering her. Good luck

I'm not sure where the OP is posting from, but it could be Britain, considering the reference to Scottish neighbors and Indians (I assume Asians?).

I think age may be a co-factor, but a lot of people in the European countries (or people of European descent) are swinging to more right-wing, nationalistic thinking.
As such she may just be presenting a wider "zeitgeist".

Diseases bring out stigmas, and tons of books and articles have been written on HIV/AIDS stigma, especially in the early history of the disease, when even a hemophiliac kid had his family's house burnt down (never mind the homophobia).
Now Ebola is even harsher in many respects, not only in how fast it acts, but also that it can be caught through certain non-sexual contacts.
The full impact of the social stigmas is still developing.

When one reads about migrants coming to the shores of southern Europe in their hundreds of thousands, one can also understand why there is a siege mentality developing.
www.news24.com...
And many of these migrants and refugees are planning to end up in countries where they think they will find good jobs, or generous social income grants.
It's not even just a white, indigenous European fear, but apparently even second generation immigrants are concerned about the influx of new communities.

Not only do old people see changes more starkly in that they can draw comparisons in conditions between the past and present, but they also feel more physically vulnerable to crime.

I'd think that nowadays to expect the hegemonic leftist political correctness in all groups is a pipe dream.
I'd even say it's good for people to vent a bit in their in-groups, and exchange ideas, even if they are prejudiced.
Luckily this nationalistic character, or illiberal venting, is rarely public or dangerous (as long as granny doesn't join a neo-Nazi gang and beat people up with an umbrella).

I find there's a lot of chauvinism and racism from all sides these days.
I once raised the question of the future of white males in South Africa on social media, and I was immediately compared to Hitler and Verwoerd by somebody, although I never suggested we go back to apartheid or colonialism.
I was also called a "cry-baby", because whites don't face the economic degradation of other groups, and when I pointed to visible white homelessness and squatter camps in South Africa, I was told they were "statistically insignificant".
My point was simply that whites shouldn't withdraw, nor de-value the struggles of other groups, but that they can also form minority pressure groups (and here we are a minority of 4 million out of 50 million) that should expect the same political correctness as other groups.
But oh no, leftist academic ideology needs it's bogeyman, and that is white males, so we must never organize.
The so-called international councils against "racism" (like Durban II) were all about Israel-bashing, US-bashing, Islamic countries wanting global anti-blasphemy laws to limit our freedom of speech, and mismanaged, ideologically unsound non-Western dictatorships not having access to sufficient Western funds and rights, or free access to European (the evil Northern) countries.
en.wikipedia.org...
So if you're white, shut your mouth and take it home.
Is it any wonder people are frustrated?

The best was however a social media poster that read something like: "Isn't it strange how they found a cure for Ebola once a white person got it?"
Never mind that those white people got it by offering their services to try and help African communities (where they were sometimes attacked for their efforts), and they were essentially guinea pigs to help others.
It seems whatever whites do is wrong in any case.

Not that I want to generalize about all peoples and countries, but the days that whites had their heads smashed in for the political rights of others are over here (and white liberals are more likely to be seen as middle class posers, often by the very people they think they're impressing).
Just because some academic post-structuralist heavyweight or other tells us how "evil" white majority countries like the USA, Britain or Israel are doesn't mean it's true.
Our HIV/AIDS programs here were generously funded by the PEPFAR programs started by George W. Bush.
www.nytimes.com...
Yet, not an official word of thanks.
Just tiny metal plagues at some clinics refer to Pepfar.
Meanwhile, African leaders are still allowing cult-leaders like TB Joshua to preach that he can cure Ebola with his holy water.
Where does political correctness end, when it influences global public health?
Instead our ruling ANC cozy up to undemocratic countries like China and Cuba, or Islamist countries where women, gays and Asian workers are treated like crap (apartheid states, I guess).
The true conspiracy is that much was wrong with colonial history, and the white man's burden, however the racism following de-colonialism (such as Uganda expelling its entire Asian population in the 1970s) is hardly discussed, and a lot of leftist academic theory has defended neanderthal regimes instead of making equal demands for human rights and sane economic policies (including birth control and smaller families) for all.
Now Europe is faced with an unstoppable tide of migrants, and although the rationale was once that they were good for the economy, at a certain point they will simply create vast parallel societies that will resemble the countries they fled from in the first place.

That's the truth about racism and human rights on the planet - a massive pile of hypocrisy and double standards.
I can well understand that even people of 80 are starting to see it.

originally posted by: seentoomuch
They worked darn hard to get what they have, unlike the entitled idiocracy kids of today.

Here we go again, "they worked hard".

The word "entitled" is very close to evolving from my point of view.

Every generations has been "entitled" with modern medicine, mechanical inventions, prosperity, education, housing...just about every invention has made life simpler for future generation. We are SUPPOSE to make things simpler as time goes by because that's what evolution is all about.

Wanting future generation to "suffer" just as much than the last one would be idiocy, backwards thinking and counter productive to the evolution of society.

We have de-evolved concerning opportunities. Older generations have been "entitled" to a much prosper time where jobs payed well, people didn't absolutely need education to make the simplest of tasks and entry level jobs actually meant something that was temporary.

a reply to: anxietydisorder

I wouldn't sweat it if I were you.

It's difficult for people to reverse the beliefs that were drilled into their brains most of their lives, and your grandmother comes from just such a generation.



I'll never forget the day I found out my grandparents were racists. I lived most of my life not having a clue that they thought this way until one day I went over for a visit and had dinner with them.

We had just finished dinner and were sitting in the living room watching Jeopardy on tv, when at the end of the final round my grandmother exclaims, "Oh my gawd ! I can't believe a darkie actually won on Jeopardy !"

My jaw hit the floor and I was completely shell shocked at what I had just heard coming out of my grandma's mouth, I had no idea she thought that way.

And then to put the icing on the cake, my grandfather says, "It's okay dear, they educate these people now, so one of them is bound to win this game eventually."

Words escaped me. For the first time that I can remember, I was completely speechless.

But rather than making a big stink about it, I decided to just let it slide and leave it be. My grandparents were very old, set in their ways, and wouldn't be around for much longer... so I'd much rather just enjoy every moment I have with them while I still can.

You can't teach an old dog new tricks, so why muddy the time you have left with them ?



Just some food for thought.

a reply to: theMediator

The average 24 year old today couldn't survive without their parents or govt. Idiocracy. What will happen to their kids? Who is going to support them? Oh, I see, govt. boarding schools where the parents don't even see the kids except on weekends? That's you're vision? Govt. raises the kids. Free phone, free wi-fi, free food, free rent, free, free, free. Haven't you ever read H.G. Wells, "The Time Machine"? Don't you understand? Have you ever read a book?

As for ease of getting a job during the 40s and 50s, not so. My father worked on and off and in his free time created and developed a product that the world needed for health. My sisters and brother helped in our kitchen and lab that he had built in our garage. Not much of a childhood, I was basically raised in a lab. Now our whole family is benefitting from that product and I like to design new earth friendly products all the time. I'm working on one now that should be very helpful to our environment and should also be very popular. Is that allowed in your book? Are people allowed to be innovative and make money? Or does that make them suspect for doing something on their own without the govt? How come the average young person today goes out of their way to avoid this kind of "think"?

On Topic: America was built on innovation and reaching for the American Dream. If immigrants today don't want to bother to reach why are they here? Free benefits? Is it because it is known as the "Land of the Free"? As in everything is supposed to be free?

I think the OP's mother is right in principle but not just one race, all of them imho, it's the newer generations that have no respect for anyone or anything and do not apply one braincell to benefit themselves or this country. Shoot, we need to come up with a name for the average lowlife nowadays. Here's one that I feel comfortable calling all the zeros, "Zombie". Dead and not good for anything other than hurting other people. (Am getting off my rant soap box now. I feel much better).

STM

a reply to: seentoomuch

I'm not even part of it myself, but it's quite sad to see how out of tune you are with the younger generation.

Acting like you're so much better. Shameful, go on ego trippin if it makes you feel better...

originally posted by: Antipathy17
a reply to: Nechash

Could also be her display of anger toward your father passing. Not at your father, maybe god. Possibly lashing out.

I would say this may be right on the money however what you describe can also be the sign of the onset of Dementia/alzheimer's I went through what you are describing with my mom after my dad died and I know one person said it as a joke asking if she started watching FOX but look to see if she has recently in the last year or so started holding a different political bias.

Dementia was setting into my mom before my Pops died but I didn't recognize it then. After he died it was more obvious and some of the things you describe showed through. After much education on Dementia I could pin down when the symptoms started to rise.

My mom was liberal through and through at one time but a few years before my Pops died she would parrot everything on FOX. My dad had always been conservative but he would even comment that she was over the top.

With dementia at the beginning they can be fine one day then off the next but things like political leanings changing can be indicators. It is something hard to realize when you are close to them because it is human nature to let things pass off because you don't want it to be true.

There are tests that can help make an early diagnosis like the sage test. medicalcenter.osu.edu...

Explore all possibilities but be thorough and hope for the best. Catching something like that early makes a huge difference for the future.

a reply to: seentoomuch


LOL!! .... Seems to me that there is someone "ageist" on the thread!!

Wonder how long before that will be considered non p.c.

a reply to: anxietydisorder

Lol. I know where you're coming from there

My own elderly relatives can let rip with some amazing Old-World racism. You'd think we still ran an Empire and colonies to hear them. Your mother is the same age as one of my aunts and they'd probably be like (white) peas in a pod. 'Darkies and foreigners' is how it goes. They have a hierarchy whereby a Spaniard is a smidgen lower than an Italian. The French are 'dirty' and the Germans are not to be trusted. Eastern Europeans slovenly and slow. Black folk are negative unless wearing suits, being doctors or reading the news.

I know we can change our beliefs when exposed to others or when we are shown the errors in personal beliefs. These older generations weren't always challenged and they still read the same newspapers that show immigrants and non-whites as 'under par.' Here we have a generation who are still steeped in the broth of Empire mentality.

Within my family, we don't really talk about race, religion or politics. I'm long past trying to change their minds and the racial sentiments they hold don't translate into the real world. It's not like they donate to the BNP or flip the bird at Asian shopkeepers. They keep their prejudice within their own circles and within four walls.

In the last few years, I sometimes wonder if the Old-World prejudices will define the following generations? ATS has as much racism as I've seen since the Haiti earthquake and societies seem to want to splinter into similar groups whilst isolating the others. Not a good look for Humanity imo.

a reply to: anxietydisorder

Lol. I know where you're coming from there

My own elderly relatives can let rip with some amazing Old-World racism. You'd think we still ran an Empire and colonies to hear them. Your mother is the same age as one of my aunts and they'd probably be like (white) peas in a pod. 'Darkies and foreigners' is how it goes. They have a hierarchy whereby a Spaniard is a smidgen lower than an Italian. The French are 'dirty' and the Germans are not to be trusted. Eastern Europeans slovenly and slow. Black folk are negative unless wearing suits, being doctors or reading the news.

I know we can change our beliefs when exposed to others or when we are shown the errors in personal beliefs. These older generations weren't always challenged and they still read the same newspapers that show immigrants and non-whites as 'under par.' Here we have a generation who are still steeped in the broth of Empire mentality.

Within my family, we don't really talk about race, religion or politics. I'm long past trying to change their minds and the racial sentiments they hold don't translate into the real world. It's not like they donate to the BNP or flip the bird at Asian shopkeepers. They keep their prejudice within their own circles and within four walls.

In the last few years, I sometimes wonder if the Old-World prejudices will define the following generations? ATS has as much racism as I've seen since the Haiti earthquake and societies seem to want to splinter into similar groups whilst isolating the others. Not a good look for Humanity imo.

a reply to: anxietydisorder

I suppose as I could fit in around that age group .... I can throw some
light on the matter, because the meaning of words has changed many
times and altered during our life times.

I sometimes feel I'm treading on egg shells, not wishing to offend but
not quit sure of what is currently correct.

# I grew up when the 'N'' word was used in children's rhymes and was
an acceptable description.

# Following that another 'N' word en.wikipedia.org...
was an acceptable description for an African person.

# Then came the acceptability of 'coloured person' and I remember
seeing a TV programme when a 'coloured' man said he found it offensive
to be referred to as 'coloured' he was not coloured he was 'Black'

So even now I hesitate and wonder which word do I use so as not to be
offensive ....

An Indian was from India .... I believe now you have to say Asian?
A Red Indian I believe is now 'American Indian?


Then there is the Homosexual thing. My mother was un aware that there
was such a thing till she was over 40 years old, and I myself was married
with children before I knew .... and it went from #Queer to #Puff
to #Gay Now hey 'Gay' .... doesn't that equate to merry, happy which is
the first meaning of the word.

I have a cousin I grew up with called Patsy, she wanted to and is now
called Trish by others .... but she is still Patsy to me!!