My mother, the model of decorum and manners, has started to say the most racists things

She really is the most kind and gentle person, but she has shocked some of us lately with her views on Indians and Africans. I don't know if she is feeling a new found freedom now that my father has past away, or she's at an age now that she just doesn't care what people think, she's going to speak her mind.

There are no signs of dementia, and no history of it in her parents or much older siblings. She's almost 80 and seems to have all her wits about her, never forgetting anything. But more and more I hear things like, "Did hear what mom said?", or being startled when we're talking and her reply includes an unnecessary racial slur.

Her view on Ebola the other day was, "No wonder it started in Africa, they're a bunch of filthy animals that should climb back into the trees. The British tried to civilize them, but you would have better luck teaching an ape to use a toilet."

Her views on current events has taken an unexpected turn. During the Scottish separation vote, she had choice words to say about her neighbour being of Scottish heritage and where the whole lot of them should go. Or how they should clean out a part of her city with bulldozers and a big fire because of the filthy rats. And she was referring to the people living there and that they were immigrants.

In a world working towards tolerance and equality, I'm hoping she's just finding the adjustment difficult and not losing her marbles.

a reply to: anxietydisorder

I'm so sorry to hear this. It must be difficult to deal with both your father's passing and the thought that your mother may be losing her marbles. Grief does funny things to people and it could be that it's turning her to be more acerbic. I hope that is the case. She is in her 80's and I guess that one could look at it like this. She would've been born sometime within or before the Great Depression and that, too, was a time period where racial hatred was at an all time high. That could've very well set a tone for her views on others, particularly groups. The world has changed dramatically throughout her life and for a period in her life, saying such things wouldn't have likely made anyone flinch. She could just be simply railing at this particular change in the world where those things once despised are now being given a more open arm approach. In that light, she might not be losing her marbles at all but just letting loose her words in the stress of your father's passing or even the natural thought that she, too, is approaching the end. If that's any small comfort.

Hang in there. I'm so sorry.

a reply to: anxietydisorder

Multiculturalism is a relatively new phenomenon. She might not be hateful to others. She might be reenacting things that are familiar and comfortable for her. Things and sentiments she recalls from her childhood. As the things she loves are taken away from her, as she starts realizing how little control she actually has and how inevitable death is, it is only natural for her to feel an overwhelming and inexplicable anger. She might be seeking for a way to vent that anger and she has no clue how to do it.

Don't judge her. She's your mother. Love her and look past the situation to see a being who is suffering and embrace her as one of your own. High minded policy decisions and social politeness are never more important than the tangible realities of family.

Well, that is my advice at least. Do what you will, but try to see the bigger picture.

a reply to: Nechash

Could also be her display of anger toward your father passing. Not at your father, maybe god. Possibly lashing out.

Is she taking some new medications that could be effecting her comprehension? Simple medicine changes can cause problems like that. You have to look back about a year sometimes as the body can sometimes correct problems with this because of reserves for a while. She may have lost the ability to detox the medicines and they are starting to build up.

This same thing can happen with a drastic diet change or even by eating certain food additives over a long period of times. This is what contributes to changes in elderly sometimes as they age. Our intestines sometimes get less efficient at removing nutrients and supplementing certain things becomes necessary to make the enzymes we need. This can result in some personality changes but it doesn't mean they will be bad. Medicine caused can be much worse, some medicines disrupt the enzyme activity leading to a long term change in the way our mind works much more severely than foods can.

She may just be getting crabby because she is missing her hubby too. It's better she takes it out on the other races than on you or other family members. We have to leave off steam sometimes and it is better to take it out on someone thousands of miles away. Get her going on politicians and government thenhave her start an account on ATS It could be interesting.

originally posted by: Nechash
a reply to: anxietydisorder

Multiculturalism is a relatively new phenomenon. She might not be hateful to others. She might be reenacting things that are familiar and comfortable for her. Things and sentiments she recalls from her childhood. As the things she loves are taken away from her, as she starts realizing how little control she actually has and how inevitable death is, it is only natural for her to feel an overwhelming and inexplicable anger. She might be seeking for a way to vent that anger and she has no clue how to do it.

Don't judge her. She's your mother. Love her and look past the situation to see a being who is suffering and embrace her as one of your own. High minded policy decisions and social politeness are never more important than the tangible realities of family.

Well, that is my advice at least. Do what you will, but try to see the bigger picture.

stay out of my head dammit. also good post

The older you get the less you care about how people perceive you. My grandmother is extremely polite and highly understanding and tolerant about things like partying and minorities/gays but when my aunt casually mentioned something about her son and his fiance living together during the wedding planning she started some serious drama.

She brought up how she doesn't approve of cohabitation before marriage. I guarantee she's thought this all along since she's a devout Catholic but she never would have turned it into more than just a single sentence in the past out of respect for personal choice. It's not that she's losing it or something. She just has reached a point where she is tired of keeping her mouth shut out of courtesy.

a reply to: anxietydisorder

Maybe it's that her opinion had been suppressed all these years. Let her speak her mind. She's 80.

originally posted by: Restricted
a reply to: anxietydisorder

Maybe it's that her opinion had been suppressed all these years. Let her speak her mind. She's 80.

thats a slippery slope. at no age is discrimination legal. especially if she goes public with it. i cringe whenever i hear someone say the N word loudly enough to be overheard. i dont know why they do it, but it tells me they would rather speak first and think later. not a habit to be admired.

originally posted by: anxietydisorder
She really is the most kind and gentle person, but she has shocked some of us lately with her views on Indians and Africans. I don't know if she is feeling a new found freedom now that my father has past away, or she's at an age now that she just doesn't care what people think, she's going to speak her mind.

There are no signs of dementia, and no history of it in her parents or much older siblings. She's almost 80 and seems to have all her wits about her, never forgetting anything. But more and more I hear things like, "Did hear what mom said?", or being startled when we're talking and her reply includes an unnecessary racial slur.

Her view on Ebola the other day was, "No wonder it started in Africa, they're a bunch of filthy animals that should climb back into the trees. The British tried to civilize them, but you would have better luck teaching an ape to use a toilet."

Her views on current events has taken an unexpected turn. During the Scottish separation vote, she had choice words to say about her neighbour being of Scottish heritage and where the whole lot of them should go. Or how they should clean out a part of her city with bulldozers and a big fire because of the filthy rats. And she was referring to the people living there and that they were immigrants.

In a world working towards tolerance and equality, I'm hoping she's just finding the adjustment difficult and not losing her marbles.

I would not worry about it too much. Society changes over generations and I imagine that our views today would be deemed inappropriate in 50 years time.

I have many friends and relatives who have views that are now outdated but that does not make them bad people they were just raised in a different time.

My grandma has a habit of still calling black people "colored folks". She's in her 80's. My mom's generation (in her 60's) still finds that mortifying, and her embarrassment is prominent when she says it in public. I used to be embarrassed by it myself until we moved to our previous residence, and gained many black neighbors. All of them said not to worry about it, it's a generational thing and way more polite nowadays than the N word is. I took their word for it, but still flinch a bit when she says something like "Ooh, that colored lady has a beautiful bracelet on!" When it comes to older family saying things that turn you beet red, you're absolutely not alone there

originally posted by: Nyiah
My grandma has a habit of still calling black people "colored folks". She's in her 80's. My mom's generation (in her 60's) still finds that mortifying, and her embarrassment is prominent when she says it in public. I used to be embarrassed by it myself until we moved to our previous residence, and gained many black neighbors. All of them said not to worry about it, it's a generational thing and way more polite nowadays than the N word is. I took their word for it, but still flinch a bit when she says something like "Ooh, that colored lady has a beautiful bracelet on!" When it comes to older family saying things that turn you beet red, you're absolutely not alone there

I have the same thing in the UK with older generations and homosexuality.

I have a few friends that are homophobic but not in front of the children?

They admit there wrong and do not want to pass on there outdated beliefs to the children but often talk about leapords and spots.

a reply to: Nyiah

I remember when it was appropriate to call a black guy a colored guy. It was a way of narrowing an explanation of identification down when pointing out a person. If you were talking about a white guy mixed in with the colored ones you would say it was the white guy while pointing. Nowadays you get called racist for identifying someone by color. That is a good way to explain things sometimes. If there are a bunch of disruptive mixed teens doing something you should be able to tell the cop it was the colored guy with the short hair and a tatoo that was the one who hit someone. African American seems so long of a word. I inappropriately also identify people as mexican people when I should call them Hispanic now. But I am used to calling them Mexicans. What is wrong with that, I have had some mexican friends in the past. My daughter married a Guatamalan, she gets pissed at me when I say he is Mexican. They have similar cultural dispositions anyway, I don't know what she is worried about. So he is half Incan instead of Mayan. I suppose it is important to him. People probably identify me as a Finn, I don't mind. Now if they start calling me a Frenchman I would get pissed I suppose. I wouldn't mind being called Italian though. My last name is also Italian and some of my Genetic ancestry does show Italy as possible relations. No ancestral French though. No English either.

originally posted by: Nyiah
My grandma has a habit of still calling black people "colored folks". She's in her 80's. My mom's generation (in her 60's) still finds that mortifying, and her embarrassment is prominent when she says it in public. I used to be embarrassed by it myself until we moved to our previous residence, and gained many black neighbors. All of them said not to worry about it, it's a generational thing and way more polite nowadays than the N word is. I took their word for it, but still flinch a bit when she says something like "Ooh, that colored lady has a beautiful bracelet on!" When it comes to older family saying things that turn you beet red, you're absolutely not alone there

ugh i hate the N word so much. if they arent using it in a derogatory manner they are being funny with it. they dont seem to realize that there was a time when that word was synyomous with random lynchings and separate drinking fountains. being treated like something inhuman and contagious. maybe it makes them feel more daring and outspoken and less at the end of their rope...because a lot of times, its older people who do it, mostly men. and then they look at me and tell me "i dont give a f***!" like they have something to prove and they'll be damned if they dont let everyone know.

i wish people didnt make themselves feel brave and strong by disrespecting other people. thats just dumb.

a reply to: rickymouse


Without wanting to derail and debase the Op it's like asking a Canadian which part of America they are from of a Belgian if they live in Paris.

You know it's wrong but it's almost worth it for the anger it creates until they realise your joking.

Back on topic though there are many things which will die out but we will have to loose wonderfull people for them to truly die.

Personality changes like this can indicate the onset of a medical issue such as dementia or Alzheimer's. Not saying it necessarily is but it should be taken into consideration along with any other possible symptoms.

The older you get, the wiser you get. Theres a reason most liberals are young; young people are easily brainwashed by the liberal media. To quote Niko Bellic, "When I was young, I fought in the war. I was young, and stupid, and believed everything the media and my government told me as I took up arms."

To put it simply I think your mother is wise and has learned that there's nothing wrong with not being politically correct, and voicing how we all really feel inside, but are too scared to go against what the mainstream stays is wrong or right.

She's right. The truth is, Africans were living in mud huts and using sticks to hunt for food (and many still do) while Europeans and Asians were building metropolis and launching rockets. They are simply not as advanced as us, and will never be. They come from a tough climate filled with deadly beasts, evolution over millennia is not on their side.

And it has nothing to do with race. They were just the unlucky ones to have not advanced into modern society. If the Africans had lived in Europe early on, no doubt they would have been the more advanced ones.

a reply to: anxietydisorder

"No wonder it started in Africa, they're a bunch of filthy animals that should climb back into the trees. The British tried to civilize them, but you would have better luck teaching an ape to use a toilet."

Thats angry. What changes have occurred recently in her life?

Oh…

…now that my father has past away…

Grieving can be a prolonged process. Sometimes for years, off and on. Symptoms are shock, anger, blame, acceptance and all over again. I don't really now how long ago he passed but could be one reason.

a reply to: anxietydisorder


Has she started watching Fox news regularly?
Listening to Right-Wing/Conservative talk radio?