posted on Aug, 21 2014 @ 03:39 PM
I think I am beginning my journey into my next phase of life and with this journey I am starting to see things with a jaundiced eye, but much like the
wearing of a pair of shades, my vision appears to allow me the opportunity to see some things clearer.
I either wrote a thread a while back or responded to one, on something I noticed which seemed to be both an oddity and an epiphany at the same time.
It seems when I become aware of a thing that went completely unnoticed to me prior to my mental awareness or acknowledging of it, it becomes an almost
constant in my world. It is an oddity experienced by all of us and it isn't a new or even remarkable occurrence, but it shows us how we live in a
world surrounded by things that are always present, but are invisible to us until we open our minds to it.
Our world and our mind grows as we add new experiences, which fills us with additional knowledge. Knowledge comes through all experiences, both
positive and negative, and we choose to accept or reject it and label it as we encounter or utilize the information we gain. Changes in our lives
affect how we see things. How we see affects how we feel. How we feel affects how we think. What we think affects what we do.
I awakened a few days ago to a thought. In my mind I clearly heard, "The source is the fruit and if consumed will bring death, pain and misery."
"Sourcery is the never ending search for the fruit." "The fruit that once bitten, will drop its seeds and spread with ease, even if the fruit is
not consumed." "Heaven is beyond all reach because it requires a pure heart, which can never be achieved in a mind that carries the seeds of the
I sat on the edge of the chair beside my bed for a long time. I tried for over 20 minutes to clear my mind of all thought. I tried to erase all
knowledge from my mind. I tried to shut down all my senses. I tried to block out sound, taste, vision, smell, tactile awareness, memory. I tried to
hold back all the thoughts, that feverishly knocked for admittance. I realized I was going to be really late for work and for the first time I can
remember, I didn't care.
I don't know why this thought just popped in my head. Some will think it had something to do with the movie I watched with my mother before going to
bed; the movie Noah, but I don't think so. I did find the movie throught provoking, but only in a fact vs fiction sort of way. Those that know me
well, call me an info geek. One of my life mottos is, "If presented with a question, I will only say I don't know, once". Not that I think there is
anything wrong with not knowing something, nor is it my quest to know everything. It is just, when someone is sincerely looking for information about
something, and I don't know the answer, a microscopic seed is planted in my mind that screams mercilessly for water, until I satisfy its thirst with
as much information it requires before being sated. I have been labelled the "go to person". Not because I know everything, because they know if I
don't know the answer, I won't rest until I do; even if I present them the answer long after they have forgotten they asked me a question. So you
can easily see why I would not find this morning wake up call particularly welcoming.
The thirst for knowledge. Anyone that shares this curse with me, knows how all consuming this thirst can be. I never really paid much attention to my
constant quest for more knowledge, more input. It wasn't until I decided to bite the bullet and pull the plug that I came face to face with the
truth. I am an addict. I am not an internet or an electronic junkie. I can easily go without a cellphone or a computer without a second of angst,
until I run across something that requires of me additional input, and a source dispenser is not readily available.
I now realize, it is not about the quest for truth or even about finding answers. It is about the input. My driving force and my real desire is to
find the source. The core. The alpha and the omega. We all know that in the beginning......... and forever and forever. Amen. We all know that death
as we know it, is imminent , and in the end ???????? We just don't know the whys and the werefores. So we go on the quest for answers. We must truly
be born with sin. I think this is apparent the moment a child learns he can communicate with words. Even if the child has only a small number of words
in their vocabulary, they begin their seemly never ending quest for input, with their new found magical key, "Why?"
A child doesn't really care if they understand the knowledge they receive. They don't even know or understand the whys or their answers. The real
goal is to acquire input. I have no great insight into why I have this addiction for input. I guess it may be related to my desire for understanding.
I try so hard to wrap my head around things that don't make sense to me, I try to find purpose in things that appear to be without rhyme or reason. I
know that each quest starts with trying to locate the 'source'.
I don't know why that thought came to me. I don't know if it means anything. I know I have done much self reflection and I see myself a bit
differently. I never thought of myself as an evil doer and I still don't, but I can see why sorcery or 'sourcery' was considered an evil practice.
I can see how dwellers in a magnificent paradise would be locked out for all eternity, for taking a single bite of its fruit. I see how and why I
carry the curse' and will never be pure enough of mind, even if I was pure of heart, to enter into heaven. You can't miss what you can not measure,
and once you accept a beginning it begins.