Did you ever have a lot of friends?

a reply to: muse7

I am a little introverted at times but i have a lot of friends.
My job made me really come out of my shell as it's a hospitality position and being friendly and affable at all times is part of the position.
Don't worry too much about it,i'm sure you'll engage with people better as you get older and having a career will help.
Join a dating website if you want a female,it may be a bit awkward at first but like all things you'll get used to it and once you find the right girl all the awkwardness and resentment you feel will melt away.
Just stay positive,make a plan for yourself to move forward in life and stick to it as best you can.

originally posted by: muse7
My life has become so miserable because everywhere I go I see happy couples and I'm reminded of the failure that I am and the things that I'm missing out on. I exercise 3-4 times a week, and I try to look as good as I can but yet none of that has changed my miserable existence. It's almost as if the more I try, the more life humiliates me and I don't know why.

Today, I took a long walk through the park, alone like I always am. It was a beautiful day, but it's funny how even the most beautiful days can seem like the darkest corner of hell if you are alone. During this walk I saw a man that was about 300 pounds, but yet he had a girlfriend. I felt insulted by this, because how can a man like that find a girlfriend but yet here I am alone, even though I exercise 3-4 times a week and always try to dress as nice as I can?

Does this seem fair to anyone?

You make me remind this old news :
en.wikipedia.org...

Before driving to the sorority house, Rodger uploaded a video to YouTube, titled "Elliot Rodger's Retribution", in which he outlined details of his upcoming attack and the motivations behind his killing spree, which he described as a desire to punish women for rejecting him and also a desire to punish sexually active men for living a better life than him

You need to expose your Good personality to others, keeping it yourself will not do any good for making good friends.

I was kinda like you, but i started joining Volunteer work and group play(clubs) and eventually started talking to people.

Majority of my friends are from places like this.

edit: I known my 3 oldest friends for about 9 yrs now, im 27.


By the way, you are still young. also, finding girlfriends at school is the best in my experience.

Today it happened again, I saw a man that did not deserve to even be near the woman he was with. Whenever I see sights like these it ruins my whole day.

I'll try to convince myself that they were relatives or just friends so I can get some sleep tonight.

originally posted by: muse7
...I saw a man that did not deserve to even be near the woman he was with.

You personally know either one of them? If not, who are you to be judging them?

You obviously have some anger issues and maybe people subtlety (or not so subtlety) pick up on this trait.

deleted post. inappropriate. sorry.

originally posted by: AugustusMasonicus

originally posted by: muse7
...I saw a man that did not deserve to even be near the woman he was with.

You personally know either one of them? If not, who are you to be judging them?

You obviously have some anger issues and maybe people subtlety (or not so subtlety) pick up on this trait.

How dare you.

I do NOT have anger issues, I don't go around cursing at people or making rude remarks in their face about them.

I'm one of the most kind and polite persons you'll ever come across.

Ok, you're an introvert and I can see that straight away. It takes one to spot one --I'm very introverted and detest the company of others for the most part IRL. I prefer to be left to my thoughts, or the company of my family.
The thing is, prior to meeting my husband, I could have given a fornication less about dating, but was envious of people who did. I see me in you, you're steeped in envy and it's in conflict with your introverted nature. One part of you wants relationships like all the other extroverts, but the other side doesn't want to go about doing it the standard social way. Your desire & your nature are at odds.

The best thing I can tell you is don't try being an extrovert to net someone, because it won't work. Let social interactions happen naturally. You'll cross paths with your better half eventually, but not if you force it. You'll just set yourself up for a string of failed relationships and more soul-consuming bitterness. I met my husband in a very unconventional way, I wasn't even looking for someone. Meeting him came at a very strange time under very strange circumstances, but for all the envy I'd exuded over my friends' relationships, it was well worth letting come to be on it's own. We've got a decade together & 2 kids to show for it. Relationships are tricky for us introverts, but they're their own reward when they happen to fall in our laps like that.

Find quiet places to spend time at in public, even if it's just a book store. Make a habit of attending local museums regularly if you have them. Find places to "people watch", i.e find a nice spot and watch the crowds do their rat race. Volunteer somewhere, even. You'll have the company you seek at some point In the mean time, you must work on the green-eyed monster, before it takes over completely. That's basically mental quicksand, once you're stuck, you're stuck until you reach out.

originally posted by: muse7
I do NOT have anger issues, I don't go around cursing at people or making rude remarks in their face about them.

I am not the only one in this thread that has pointed that out.

I'm one of the most kind and polite persons you'll ever come across.

Superficially, but your inner resentment of these other people is why I said it could be picked up on by others. Who cares how polite you are if you give off a vibe that says, 'I hate your guts because I think you have something I should have'.

You'll cross paths with your better half eventually

Really? How do you know he will? I never did.

I keep reading these success stories from introverted/shy women and, while I would not be so churlish as to bemoan your good fortune, you're not really seeing this bloke's predicament. Or showing much understanding of human nature, for that matter.

"I was introverted but then I met this wonderful guy and now we have a couple of beautiful kids and a mortgage and life is sweet...blah, blah."

Yes, because guys don't care if you're introverted as long as you look okay; you'll get approached just as often as any other similarly good-looking woman.

But if you're an introverted man - even a good-looking one - who's going to approach you and ask you out on a date? No one, of course.

You are going to have to do the approaching.

That's never easy for any man, but a virtually impossible task for an introvert who is thin-skinned.

a reply to: CJCrawley

I understand what you're saying, but disagree to a certain extent.

I many times came across as aloof to people, as if I didn't like them, and scared a lot of guys off. Also, people would get the wrong impression that I had a boring personality because I didn't talk much. I went to parties in college and got passed over many many times because I was sitting by myself looking miserable (probably because I was), rather than being the sparkly giggly college coed that would attract all the guys.

As far as guys having to make the first move, this isn't the 1950's, and girls who aren't shy have no problem going after a guy. Hell, even in the 50's my mom went after my shy introverted dad while they were in high school (he was quite the football playing good-looking hunk though).

originally posted by: muse7
Today it happened again, I saw a man that did not deserve to even be near the woman he was with. Whenever I see sights like these it ruins my whole day.

I'll try to convince myself that they were relatives or just friends so I can get some sleep tonight.

Oh good grief!
Dude...couples are NOT salt & pepper shakers...they don't have to match.

Oh, and all those happy people you see out and about in the world? They have their problems too.
I know many people who SEEM happy-go-lucky....it's their public persona. Back at home, it can be an entirely different story.
You are judging by what you SEE....which is not enough information to form a conclusion.

Maybe the beautiful woman is a heinous bitch, and the only guy who will hang out with her is unattractive, needy and using her looks to raise his own self-esteem. OR...maybe he is the only one with enough self-confidence to hang out with her without feeling intimidated.

The most attractive thing is confidence. A person who is confident about 'who they are'....attracts other people like flies. You need to like yourself, and stop looking for a beauty queen to give you validation.

Sorry, but are you looking for a life-partner...or arm candy?

jacygirl

a reply to: kaylaluv

You scared a lot of guys off...but they had to be there in the first place to be scared off, no?

An introverted man wont scare women off; they just wont come within spitting distance of him.

Yes, it does happen sometimes that a gregarious woman will chat up a shy man, but very much an exception to the rule I think.

I don't know that the 1950s were a special time for men to approach women.

They've always done it, haven't they?

Maybe North America is different.

a reply to: muse7

College was not a fun time for me overall. I had no friends. I blame that partly on my shyness, and partly on the fact that I lived at home and commuted to school. Oh and it wasn't a private college, so it had a very large student population, which is a nightmare for an introvert.

It did get better when I got out of school and got a job. Having to work with other people on a daily basis really helped my shyness. I mean, you have to talk to someone when you're working on a project with them, so that forced me out of my shell a little bit - just enough to make a couple of friends. Even then, I used to get teased for being so reserved, which frankly did annoy me. Did they think this was some kind of a choice on my part?

At 22, you are so young, and things can change so much over the next 10, 15 or 20 years. At 54, I bear only a small resemblance to the girl I was at 22.

a reply to: CJCrawley

Absolute poppycock, and you know it. Men do not have to make the first move to be noticed. My younger brother is much more introverted than I am, and has women approach him no problemo. He strikes people as a total teddy bear personality, despite never being one to talk to women first. My older brother's lifelong best friend was just as introverted as we youngins were, and he eventually met his wife -- she approached him. All the women he was prodded to approach by others, those relationships failed miserably.

You will attract who you're meant to, when you're meant to. Like I said, forcing it won't snag your ideal better half. The only way I can see that remotely working for someone is if the klaxons buried deep in the soul are going off like mad & the drive to approach first is overwhelming.

originally posted by: CJCrawley
a reply to: kaylaluv


I don't know that the 1950s were a special time for men to approach women.

They've always done it, haven't they?

Maybe North America is different.

What I meant was, there was a time when it was unseemly or "trashy" for a girl to approach a man. Oh, women still went after the men they wanted, they just had to go about it in a more covert way. My mom never came right out and asked my dad out -- she arranged outings through mutual friends. After enough of those "outings", everyone started assuming they were dating, and that's how they started dating.

Since the women's lib movement in the 70's, it's much more acceptable for a woman to just flat out go after a guy openly.

Already some great advice in this thread.

My additions are this:

Don't be resentful of others who APPEAR happy (I say appear, because you don't know really). Their happiness or unhappiness has NOTHING to do with your happiness, so why dwell on it?

Find something you like to do, that some single gals like to do too, and participate in this activity. That way, you'll meet women with at least ONE similar interest, and get to know them, vs. trying for random hookups.

Also, you're likely throwing out a "creeper" vibe...which is totally normal for shy guys. Unintentional, but it is like women repellent. You need a good dose of confidence to counteract it. Basically, you need to get laid, and she doesn't have to be a ten. Sounds crass, but I'm totally serious here. Get a pro if needed. Or go to a strip club and get close.

Throwing out the confidence vibe is what these "douchebags" are doing to be with their gals, whether decent looking, or fat guys.

Now, you can get upset at this advice, or follow it, either way, I'm a happy guy, happily married....so take it or leave it. You asked for it, so telling you honestly.

originally posted by: Gazrok
...I'm a happy guy, happily married....

I think all guys would be happily married if their wives let them put their arms around the female cast of True Blood.

originally posted by: Gazrok
Already some great advice in this thread.

My additions are this:

Don't be resentful of others who APPEAR happy (I say appear, because you don't know really). Their happiness or unhappiness has NOTHING to do with your happiness, so why dwell on it?

Find something you like to do, that some single gals like to do too, and participate in this activity. That way, you'll meet women with at least ONE similar interest, and get to know them, vs. trying for random hookups.

Also, you're likely throwing out a "creeper" vibe...which is totally normal for shy guys. Unintentional, but it is like women repellent. You need a good dose of confidence to counteract it. Basically, you need to get laid, and she doesn't have to be a ten. Sounds crass, but I'm totally serious here. Get a pro if needed. Or go to a strip club and get close.

Throwing out the confidence vibe is what these "douchebags" are doing to be with their gals, whether decent looking, or fat guys.

Now, you can get upset at this advice, or follow it, either way, I'm a happy guy, happily married....so take it or leave it. You asked for it, so telling you honestly.

This is very good advice. Especially your advice on getting involve in activities.

One activity that's a very good way to meet people is volunteering for a charity. This is good because you'll be given simple tasks to do. So you won't immediately be forced to interact socially as you would at a party or bar. Or even in the hallways at school. The social interactions will come more naturally and over a longer period of time.

Many people who are shy and introverted find the worklike environment of a charity more conducive to building friendships. And people involved in charities tend to be smart caring people. Just the type of person a friendship novice needs.

Political campaigns are also good. The nice thing about them is they actually end.

I don't think I should join groups or volunteer places to meet people and make friends. People either like me or they don't. When I'm at the gym or some public place, women don't even dare to look at me and this is one of the most insulting things to me.

I really don't understand. I try to act friendly, I put up a friendly face everywhere I go. I am polite. I am kind. I'm fairly certain that I'm one of the best looking guys at my gym too, I also doubt any guy there wears $250 dollar shoes.

It is what it is though. The more I think about it, the more I think people should be the ones complimenting me instead of me having to scrap the bottom of the barrel for friends.