posted on Feb, 17 2014 @ 02:25 PM
Should start off by saying I don't usually share to much about myself anywhere, I don't tweet, I don't post on forums(Til this post, but I've come
here/read for years), I like to read/soak up information/theories, whatever. I just can't keep all of this inside. I have no friends(only 3 I'd
consider even friends) I could share every bit of this to. So if you have the time and are feeling empathetic, here's my story.
My name is Jay and I'm 25. Been shy my whole my life, I've had a disability since birth or close to it, when I went to the doctors in my early
teens they had no idea when it started or what caused it, how to fix it, etc. I dropped out in 7/8th grade(yup dealt with CPS and all that), just
wasn't my thing. I guess I was part of the that generation who got a computer when they were 10 right as the internet was taking off but I digress.
Combine already being shy, a physical disability that limits how much I can walk/stand, and my growing disdain for the average person, and you get
someone who doesn't go out much.
I was raised by my mom and her parents, they passed away in 07 and 10. We had a big falling out with my aunt and her son, the only immediate family.
Since then it was just us and our now 16 year old dog. She had lost her job in 06 but we could barely get by on her social security(And later a
reverse mortgage, which I'll probably get to later). I'm sure you can guess she passed away, on Jan. 10th. Which also happened to be the day I
decided to get # faced hammered for the first time in a year or two. The last words I heard her say was "I feel like I'm dying". It was a complete
shock, she had trouble breathing, obviously concerned but when I got to the hospital I didn't expect they would say she had gone into cardiac arrest
as the ambulance arrived their.
Now to say she was everything would be an understatement. She did everything for me. I've never been able to get or hold a job as my body has just
continued to deteriorate. I have no income, no money(No insurance or anything like that), no car or even an ID, and of course no 'on paper'
education and that's what matters right? My aunt and her son have been like vultures into the house. I can't keep track of everything they've
moved or just taken. One good thing they suggested that failed but not because of them was telling me to try to apply for any kind of emergency
services/help from the state.
I don't have a car or a driver's license and walking anywhere isn't an option. So being able to get places rests solely on my cousin who had moved
in here about a year ago. He get's 1 day off during the week. I started the process, met with a social worker, told me I had 10 days to do everything
she had laid out. Get an ID, meet with SSDI or something like that, go to 2 medical exams, get the lawyer who did the reverse mortgage(I have no idea
who this is/was/who she used) all of it due by the 14th. Tried to get an ID that day, found out I can't. I have my birth certificate and SS card but
not a single thing else they'd take as a 'point of ID', no GED/Diploma, bank statement, work stub, any bill in my name, etc. Everything else was
scheduled for the 13th, my cousin's day off, and also the day that where I am in New York, got 13 inches of snow. I call my worker the following
day(Of course she wasn't in with the snow the past day) to let her know and hopefully get the deadline pushed, but nope she kept repeating the same
lines of "Well Mr. xx if I don't have all that paperwork you're going to be denied", didn't care that I have one day a week to do anything and
that one day got killed by an avalanche.
Now during all of this going on, sometime around the first my girlfriend(of 3 and a half years) sends me in part "Had a super #ty day dealing with
the usual family bull# and then to top it off John posted something stupid to my wall about waking up next to me. Don't have a clue why he would post
that other then to be ridiculous and start drama. Just once I wish I. Could have a decent #ing friend. anyway I hope your not mad.or upset with me. I
bitched him out and told him not to talk to me till.he grows up." Of course it freaked me out a little but she had never given me any reason to not
trust her. Fast forward to Valentine's day and I see she's going to a concert with a bunch of friends and him. I was already depressed over not
being with her for the day(We live about an hour and a half a way and she doesn't have a car she could just take so we relied on parents or friends
to see each other) but that made it worse and I obviously couldn't not think of what he had said and now they were going to a concert on Valentine's
day. I bring it up and she says they are just friends and asking if I don't trust her, etc. I said of course I do I was just feeling down already and
couldn't keep the question out of my head. A bunch of babes and I love yous later and the conversation was done.
The next day I see a comment under one of the pics of him saying "Last night was one of the best Valentine's days we've both ever had", I shoot
off a text asking about that and get "You're reading to much into things" with some other bull#. Again it ends with me believing her. then
yesterday he posts
"Just want to say how much you mean to me [tagged her] It has been 502 days since the first time we have talked and and been together and no matter
how crazy things get nothing has changed how I feel about you.Every day when we are together we are learning more about each other and always. It is
so nice to be able to wake up and bring you your coffee and start our day talking about anything and everything. Just enjoying our every minute
together. As long as we can do this everyday we can overcome anything and accomplish anything we set our minds at wanting for our future. I love you
more every day we are together yet it still feels like it is the first day."
So of course I'm devastated, I was thinking if anything was going on it was a somewhat recent thing. But 502 days? At that point I commented on it
saying how that was fantastic news since her and I had been together since 2010. And posted a screen shot of the message she had sent me at the
beginning of the month calling him a douche bag/saying he's making # up/loves me etc. We get into it, I write this long text and she says she has no
idea what I'm talking about, says she hasn't seen the newest post. About 20 minutes later I get "You just couldn't leave it alone and let me
handle it". A telling thing to say right? If it was just bull# and he was delusional why couldn't I call it out? Within about 10 minutes of that I,
and everyone she knew through me, had been blocked on everything she could think of. Even had her sister do it to. I had also been blocked by the
other guy. And even after all of that we were texting and she she was still sticking to she didn't know what he was saying, instantly saying "You
don't trust me?" to flip it around, etc. She said she would call me after she talked to him to "tell him to # off" but when I asked after some
time if she had called him I got back "Yeah I #ing called him" and still haven't received one and she won't even mention it when I'd bring it up.
The last time we were together was a day after my mom passed. She was here for a few days but had to go home but said she'd only be a few days.
Saying she loved me and would help me with anything, be there for me. Every time we'd talk about a day she'd come down something would come up or
happen that she couldn't. But always making plans, me telling her I couldn't wait because I had a couple of conversations(The I should've/could've
did something, why did I drink that night/morning, etc) that I wasn't ready to have right after what happened. Obviously I never got to have them.
What I can't get over is how big of a hypocrite she is. One of the first things we both said to each other was that we both would never lead anyone
on, if we didn't want to be with someone we'd say it(Pretty important to me at the time because I had just got out of a 6 year relationship that
ended with just lie after lie but me not saying anything out loud because I didn't have any proof). And always ranting against anyone who cheats,
lies, etc. I was in no way prepared for the '502' days thing. The only hint of anything started with that first post on Feb. 1st.
So putting together my world passing away, having no money or way of making any, having to look into what happens to this house or what I can do to
keep it because of the reverse mortgage(Which I'm scared to because you know, banks), my girlfriend who I loved unequivocally seems to have been
cheating and lying about it for a year and a half, the fact that if my cousin(Who is already looking for a way out for himself) and I didn't mutual
make the choice to withdraw my mom's February SS check we'd be in a frozen house and would of run out of food weeks ago, I'm developing some kind
of issue with a tooth that is causing a pressure/slight pain behind my ear to the back of my head but of course I can't get it looked at, and not to
mention my dog has been in failing health and I'm realistic about how much longer she'll be around. I just feel like I'm at rock bottom. I've lost
everything I loved and needed. I've felt gross writing all of this, I always handle stuff internally, always felt it was wrong, like I didn't want
to be a burden sharing my problems with someone who of course has their own set of issues but I just don't know what I'm going to do. I feel
hopeless in every facet of my life right now.
I could of written so much more but I think I'll stop there. If you manage to get through it, thank you. I don't really know what I expect from
this, I don't know if there is any advice to my situation. I'm not saying I'm suicidal but my mind can't help but see it becoming an option.
Anyway, thank you again if you actually gave this a read.