Need Some Honesty from all you Single Men Out There

Originally posted by GreenGlassDoor
I am in my 30s and can tell you exactly what is going on. He's window shopping, looking to see if something better is out there.

I used to do it in my mid-20s. He was buttering you up with nice words because he is insecure and afraid you will leave him while not being emotionally invested in the long term. It comes from immaturity and lacking self-worth.

What most women fail to understand is measuring a guy is pretty simple: if he is telling it to you rather than doing it you're being fed a line. We'll promise you the Moon to get our way, but that check will bounce once cashed.

The only thing you need to remember is: "Is he talking about it or being about it?"

Overly romantic guys are particularly bad at this. They need to bury a woman neck-deep in chocolate and flowers in hopes the woman doesn't detect how shallow and needy they are [buying your love]. A genuine guy makes you feel like a million bucks because he emits his zen-like awesomeness.

This is so dead-on it required reposting....

I'm a man who is not into social pleasantries. When I call you on the phone I do not say Hi, how are you
doing? etc...I get to the point. I do not shower my mate with "I love you's" and "you're so special to me's".
Instead I SHOW love. I SHOW I care by my actions.

I think the problem women face when dealing with men is that they allow themselves to be led
by words instead of deeds.

TALK IS CHEAP

Find a guy that treats you with love and caring, not one that talks about it. That's the best advice
I could give you. I know that women require a bit of self-esteem boosting from time to time, but
realize that moving your lips to make words requires no effort. Look for a man that puts some
effort into the relationship...quit listening and start watching

reply to post by timidgal


Hmm...

Hmmm....

Hmm...

Uh....

Hm...

Hmm, I am not really sure... maybe asking single guys for insight isn't the best route... the guys may be single for the same reasons you are at this point and pinpointing the driving cause for being single may be just as hard for them as it is for you.

Maybe you could ask for a guy who has a history of failed relationships, due to his own infidelity.

Personally, I have always made it a point to treat the other person with respect and honesty. I have always made it a point to do what I believe is the right thing, which includes being faithful/loyal, and not underminding the relationship by keeping myself available incase something comes along that may seem better than the current relationship.

I do that mainly for myself, so if there is ever a point of reflection, I can recall the way I acted and be sure what I did was respectable. That means a lot to me personally, but, unfortunately, I've been unable to find someone with the same idea of a loyal relationship.

Maybe, for some reason, the guy had reason to believe the relationship wasn't as serious as you felt and thought keeping the door cracked was the best option for him. Did he have any reason to think that you may also be keeping an open mind about the potential for meeting someone else?

Don't mean to sound like I am making excuses for the guy... I believe when there is mutual agreement and understanding that the relationship is not just 'Friends w/Benefits', but exclusively committed, then there should be absolutely 0 need to remain open and available for someone new to romantically enter picture.

hmm... maybe this is why I am still single! haha... really, probably has something to do with my conspiracy mind and constant work schedule.

Good Luck! I am sure you are as attractive as you say... in my experience, when someone says they are average they are usually above average... when they say above average, they are usually smokin' hot... when they say they are smokin' hot, they usually mean they are 'burning up' from spending so much time in the kitchen and at McD's

.

reply to post by timidgal


My advice would be to be up front and straight out ask. For all you know he may have just been on there deleting his account when your friend saw him online.

If he hasn't got anything to hide, then it will be a non-issue. By what you've written you seem like a pretty switched on intelligent gal, who maybe lacks a bit of confidence when it comes to men. You should be able to tell by his response whether it's truthful or not, otherwise this problem will plague you endlessly.

Lastly, don't take your perceptions of previous relationships/men into this one and go for the worst-case scenario right off, again something it sounds like you are doing here. Not all men are asses and cheaters, not all women are evil and moneygrubbers. Occasionally you find a diamond in amongst the zirconias...

Take it at face value for what it is with an intelligent head, and you'll figure it out.

reply to post by FissionSurplus

You tell such a sad tale with such levity, FissionSurplus - or perhaps it's your level of understanding and optimism having come through on the other side and finding the diamond in the rough. I give you great credit for not shutting down and can only hope that I have the same strength as you to open myself up again one day. At this point, I just can't see that happening but I thank you for trying to imbue some words of optimism into the situation.

reply to post by SonoftheSun

That's honest and wise advice. The time for talking is long past as of ten minutes before I originally posted this thread. Whether I over-reacted or not, which everyone seems to be split on, what's done is done.

reply to post by timidgal


we are biologically programmed to spread our seed, it is in our nature and we can't deny that. once a man truly falls in love it takes his own will power to be faithful, and that alone.

this doesnt mean promiscuous men are bad people, we all have urges that need satisfaction. this applies for women as well, and also just because he was logged onto a dating site doesnt mean a thing.

typical overreaction by a woman

reply to post by rival

Wow - very, very powerful and logical words. Funny how I always told my kids when they were growing up that "actions speak louder than words". Perhaps it's something we should all remember. Thanks, rival!

reply to post by timidgal


Then my final advice would be that you don't be too hard on yourself. You did no wrong, he did.

The right one could be just around the corner. You do sound like a nice person so give it time, it'll happen.

reply to post by esteay812

Your words were both funny and insightful. "Do onto others as you would have them do onto you" is a respectful and decent philosophy. Let's just hope that the theory of karma is also as prevalant in this topsy-turvy world we live in.

reply to post by 74Templar

Again, such wise advice and yes, you're spot-on about practically everything you said. If only I had posted this thread before I reacted. Yes, I did let my past experience influence my emotions and didn't even give him the chance to respond. Too late now.

reply to post by middleman5oh6

You were golden until your last comment

With that said, we are biologically programmed but we are also creatures ruled by our emotions and concepts of decency. It's supposed to be what separates us from the pack but I suppose that there are both good and bad in all species.

we like to walk it like a doggie

reply to post by SonoftheSun

Thanks again for your compassion...

reply to post by Komonazmuk

Somewhat crudely stated but honest for some, I'm sure...

reply to post by timidgal


Well, it was actually worse than that. I had just come through a horrific divorce with an ex who had a girlfriend on the side. I had a lot of money at that time, and he bled me dry and spent money on his honey whlie I was laid up in bed with fibromyalgia / rheumatoid arthritis. Then he kicked me to the curb and tried to take my kids.

So I already had bad trust issues when I re-entered the dating scene in 2001.

My optimism comes from having my heart battered around badly, but through it all, I just knew there was one good guy out there, if I could just find him. As it turned out, he found me first. Next week will be our 6th wedding anniversary, and we're doing wonderfully.

Every time I've been knocked in the dirt, I cry, rage, vent, and then get back up, dust myself off, and try again. Either I'm a masochist or a fool! In any case, it worked out for me....and if you have faith and patience, it will for you too!

reply to post by FissionSurplus

If there's inspiration to be found anywhere, it's in the honesty of your words. Thank you.

reply to post by timidgal


The alcohol goes in, the truth comes out.

Ahhh cynical steve time..

You guys are suckers for punishment. You're all making yourselves sick and for what, to grow old in someones arms, and then die. Maybe have kids who hate you along the way, stealing your things and leaving you when you're old.

I've yet to see anyone of the people I grew up with remain in a relationship. Even uncles and aunts. Old and grey, now GO AWAY as they divorce each other and move in with the more accepting kids. lol.

None of them are still with the people they married. Or they're so mentally fragmented they may as well be in a home. Being old and cranky and polar opposites of each other. good times.

I really cannot see why or how people can give themselves to someone else. And you have to, you have to let them know you. If this doesn't happen, it's just playing along... and I think everyone knows that, they just choose to go through the motions, because being single is far too scary for them.

Single.. I think it's an overlooked and underestimated status. Why let other people screw with your head and be a brain blender. You've got all you need to do that right there in your own sphere of reality.

I really hope I never find myself pining for 'anyone' because time is running out. Time has been running out since the first time you looked at a clock. Running out and starting again. as it always will.

And say you find that one person who makes you smile and lifts your heart and makes you think "Wow, how could it have been any other way!!!!!"... and when the time comes to watch them perish, suffering under laws that refuse to allow compassion, or that prolong the agony of waiting to die, you know how you will feel.

All so much effort and energy... ultimately for nothing. Unless your sole agenda is to procreate. In which case, who'd want to add to the madness of this world?



*waves at all the happy couples*

reply to post by timidgal

First I want to point out something that many people don't realize happens. If you post a picture on a dating site that is part of a network of dating sites, that picture may be used in a "fake" profile to tease people to join a site. Just because it says "online" doesn't mean it's the actual person and usually you would have to pay to be able to find out who is really behind the picture.
The other thing to consider is that as a single man I had a desperate and lonely phase where I posted my profile to any dating site I could find and didn't bother to really see what the site was about. Eventually I found a few sites that I liked and in some cases found some new friends that I didn't really click with in a way that was more than friendship. From my point of view, I go there to catch up with my friends and should I find someone significant, might not think much about going there to converse with friends.
It's also possible that he was there removing his account or changing his status and it was just dumb luck that your friend happened to see him there.
If none of that is true and this guy truly is straying then perhaps I can offer some insight.

Too good to be true:
You spend years chasing a dream. This dream consumes your entire life and then one day you accomplish it. Because so much of your existence and your life has revolved around this dream you have to wonder if it's really happened. Have you finally achieved your goal. A part of you wants to believe it's too good to be true because that would mean a large part of your life just came to an end and your left thinking.. "Now what?". If a guy finds that one perfect flower he's going to wonder if there is something he's missing and if his sudden declaration of commitment might have been too much too soon. Most guys profession of love and commitment can sometimes come as a surprise to the guy when he inadvertently discovers his true feelings. So now he's facing the idea that the chase is over, that his days of looking have come to an end and he may be wondering.. "Now what?" With that he goes off to his usual haunts to see if there are any qualities, of the other women he has communicated with, that he wants to see in his "perfect" woman.

Whatever puts a smile on my face:
Some guys are just [expletive deleted]. The one goal they have is to own a woman that will give him what he wants and thinks he needs. For some guys this is just sex. For others it's the beginning of a new relationship, or the feeling of someone wanting him. Or just the need to have someone there. Whatever it is, it's not about the woman or a relationship, it's about what they can get from another person. Just because a guy is smart, doesn't always mean he has good intentions or is a nice guy. These guys will say and do whatever they think will make you happy even if they don't actually feel that way. The moment you smile at them making a commitment they foolishly think that means you trust them so completely that they can have their cake and eat it too. Sadly, these types of guys make it harder for the truly sincere ones to find someone.

I'm an idiot:
I was once in a relationship where the woman I was with said "I love you." I honestly wasn't really thinking and having been in a loving and committed relationship in the past, the automated response was "I love you too." That was how that phone conversation ended. As I set the phone down I marveled at my response. Did I really mean that or was it just natural to say it? How do I really feel about this person? The questions just continued from there and with each one I didn't have a good answer for I felt myself doubting the veracity of all my feelings for this woman. Well, the next day, being the type of person I am, I met her and told her that I wasn't thinking about what I was saying and that I did care for her but I honestly wasn't sure the true depth of my feelings but I wanted to continue the relationship because I felt it could be more. In short, I told her.. "I'm idiot." She thought so too and promptly ended the relationship.
It's the way of the world:
Let's be honest, generally speaking women cheat about as much as men do. In fact some guys might have gotten the idea that it's simply the way of the things. They find someone to "nest" with, then they find someone to have sex with, someone to talk with, and any other number of people to fill in whatever wants they have. They expect the woman will do the same. Sadly some guys just believe it's the way things are, expect that if they get caught all they have to do is apologize, spend some time "being good" then make sure they don't get caught when they do it again.
Beyond all that I honestly couldn't say what the issue is. I like to believe that I look at people as individuals and if I keep having bad relationships then I'm just picking the wrong type of people.

reply to post by timidgal


I'm sorry. You deserve better, and no doubt he's out there somewhere.
Maybe on that dating site, or just maybe by random encounter, kismet?

Loneliness sucks, and sometimes when you meet someone, the loneliness goes away and you want to hold onto the new comfort zone and deny any signs or instincts that would otherwise steer you away. Can't blame people for that because, I can't say it enough, loneliness sucks.

I say you will find love. The romantic in me believes.