Love Stinks: The Primal Funk

I have come to conclude that the foundation of love isn't built on trust, or respect, or any of those other things we generally associate with friendship. I think that love is mostly a product of pheromones. It's a genetic fit. Once we find someone who's a good genetic fit, we unconsciously smell their funk, and get the squigglies. Don't get me wrong now! The squigglies are not the whole shebang, but without out it, it's just not love.

Allow me to share some personal experience. Last year I had this girl I dated for 6 months. We didn't make it passed the first hurdle. I'm telling you, from the moment of first eye contact, IT was there. I snuffed her out good and it was what the doctor ordered! Pretty amazing times followed. The first month, we honestly said very little, yet flowed gracefully through experience after experience. What little we said, worked.

Well, then came the talking...OMFG, was she....stupid! I mean, not below average intelligence or anything, but she couldn't seem to critically think anything through. The reasoning she would give was often a one liner, towards things I really wanted to talk about, that were complex. She would just conclude something that made no damned sense to me, and when I would ask her to explain....a blank look. WTF? It drove me absolutely nuts.

Somehow or another, we continued on. I think it was bedtimes Sometimes the funk after a lay is not so good...and sometimes it's good enough to just lie and sweat together in a cuddle without a worry in the world It was always the latter with her

Well come month 5, we were starting to get fed up with each other. It died out, but ended rather harshly. Each misinterpreted the other, and lied to some extent, manipulated, etc, etc....she became incredibly passive aggressive, and started finding friends of mine from high school to have bed times with...so I started cursing her out, and she decided she was somehow in the right to file a restraining order on me when all I was asking for was a definitive answer on if we were done, and who she had slept with while we were still official. Never got it, just got a freaking restraining order. Ouch!!

So that's my all pheromones, nothing else story.

I have had lots of in between dating, but sometimes it's been the complete opposite. I've had girls where we really connect with each other intellectually, and it seems as if we could just jump right into the living-together phase without an issue. Then the close interactions...kissing, bedtimes come...and it's just horrible....not ..gonna ..happen ...

I'm left to conclude that you need a genetic foundation for real love. You need that primal funk. Once you got that, you gotta really get to know the other person to see if there's compatibility. Without both, the love won't last. You might be able to bare each other long enough to have a family, but it won't be too pretty.

Agreements?

Love definitely is a real thing. People can love their father, mother, friends and pet dog. When it comes to love that involves close proximity intimacy and physical contact between a man and woman, then its selfish love. I want the person to be this, i want the person to be that...could be looks, wealth, social status, career, but general a combination of them things. Human beings are selfish in nature, and what i have observed in life and in general they dont exempt or separate love from their selfishness.

reply to post by AthlonSavage


However many people get pissed off at this...I don't care. Love is always selfish. It's complimentary selfishness, but once you root it out...it's purely for the benefit of one's self.

I think of it now, as I did once I finally figured out morality. I used to be a hardcore idealist, and don't get me wrong I still am, but now morality is seen as something entirely different than as I did as a child.

I see morality as an extension of the survival instinct. It's just that we empathize, and see ourselves in each other! It makes perfect sense from an evolutionary perspective. Those groups who banned together, and were willing to sacrifice/cooperate for the good of the group, outlasted those who didn't.

It's the exact same thing with love. Sexual beings who's strategy didn't involve "love" were at a marked disadvantage. Without having the pheromones, we wouldn't be propagating the best of us. Over time, those without the funk instinct would die out, and the funky would continue on!

I know love exists between my cat and I. She "loves" that I pet her, and I love petting her, too! It provides her with the ability to secure an owner for resources, and provides me with the ability to regulate my unsteady blood pressure (scientifically proven!) .

It's just weird how you can "grow up" to see just how primal the world really is at it's root. Still, I like to try and forget and enjoy the fairy tails we tell each other...

Well, your "all pheromones" experience lasted longer than any of mine.

My current personal record for longevity is 3 months. Then I get bored.

But hey, it is what it is.

reply to post by watchitburn


I'm guessing you're still fairly young, and think "too much".

Give yourself some time to mature out of it. I'm still in the process and about to hit 30 in a month!

reply to post by moniesisfun


Love between tow people is a form of fantasy i guess. At the end of the day who cares what the reason are. the reality check on life will also be survival. Those of strong and healthy mind, body and spirit will out last and lead a much more depth ful life than those who are absorbed in their selfishness. Its bit like drinking or eating too much it makes the person fat, dum and happy. And people who proclaim they are absorbed in loving someone can not really be happy because really what they are caught in is a endless cycle of reptition.

reply to post by moniesisfun


I will also be 30 in about a month.

I'm pretty sure I'm about as mature as I am ever going to get.
Trying to draw conclusions about someone over the internet, especially from a post as brief as my first one. Is not likely to be very successful.

This topic is very interesting and yes pheromones have a lot to do with which partners we chose however love and compatibility (chemical and mental) are separate entities that together make a relationship. If all three aspects match then hopefully a very good relationship happens if one of the three is weaker then the relationship will probably fail after the initial honeymoon period has subsided and the relationship settles into ordinary routine.

Having been married for many years I can contest to that the pheromones or funk compatibility as you call it can change. Me and my ex spouse where very compatible at the beginning but as the relationship waned I found that their smell became something I could no longer stand (only in terms of being intimate - the person did not smell bad it just didn't match with me anymore). I guess it was the same for them with me... Now I could never imagine being intimate with them for that reason even though we never had any compatibility problems in the intimacy department in general.

I think the bottom line is, all three of these aspects can change independently or together. Whether absent or present at the beginning of a relationship it could change by the time it ends. I personally think body chemistry is only part of the story and not what causes recognition of love, but it does play a part in physical attraction.

Love can be manifest in so many ways why I believe it is separate from all else

much love

reply to post by watchitburn


why assume that post is the only source I'm pulling my assumptions from?

reply to post by moniesisfun


I don't think humans were meant to be monogamous, hence the pheromones losing their effect. I believe their purpose was to draw us in, mate, and move along until another "scent" caught our attention. I also believe this is the purpose of a man being able to reproduce decades later in life than his spouse. The concept of love/ being faithful to your spouse due to this devotion was a social invention.

reply to post by Abbby


You could be correct, but I still think it's unwise/immoral not to stay with the mate you have children with until until they are mature.

pheremones seem to play a role in creating situations which build longer lasting chemical bonds via oxytocin. skip tue cuddling and risk not ever forming the bond & crossing the first hurdle.

reply to post by moniesisfun


I agree with you 100percent.

Originally posted by moniesisfun
reply to post by Abbby

 

You could be correct, but I still think it's unwise/immoral not to stay with the mate you have children with until until they are mature.

pheremones seem to play a role in creating situations which build longer lasting chemical bonds via oxytocin. skip tue cuddling and risk not ever forming the bond & crossing the first hurdle.

edit on 15-9-2012 by moniesisfun because: (no reason given)

I believe this depends entirely on what the reasons are for leaving that spouse. I think it is not a good thing to have children you are not going to raise other than that you owe the partner you chose as the other parent nothing. But you do have responsibility towards your offspring.

Staying together for the sakes of children is never a good thing, but working together after separation towards the greater good of the children now there is something I agree with.

I've learned to never force it. If it happens, it happens. Create standards beyond genetic make up.
My potential mate must have heard of Despair, Believer or any other metal band I listen to.
See? You haven't even heard of them.

I will die alone if I have to prove my point! lol, we must share common interests for me to even begin to consider you relationship material, i'm never going to rush a girl into my life on the grounds she's pretty.

Originally posted by moniesisfun
reply to post by watchitburn

 

why assume that post is the only source I'm pulling my assumptions from?

Fair enough,

But I still think internet posts are just that, and should not be used to assume knowledge of another person. Not doing so allows you to view a statement without unintentional bias.

reply to post by watchitburn


We're just going to have to agree to disagree here. I think "unbiased" is like "objective" and doesn't really exist. Everyone has bias, and nobody views things objectively.

It may be that you have a poor time discerning people from internet posts, and no doubt it can be tricky, but I pull tidbits of information from an integration of everything, and seem to get better on the whole with each successive guess.

People have different cognitive capacities for specific functions, and will develop successful strategies based on these. All good. It doesn't work for you, but it does for me!

For an example: when I read a post, my mind automatically starts formulating a voice and image of the individual. I get flashes of experiences that may have been within the individuals life. You can call this bias or whatever you want, but it has worked wonders in my life. I don't even know how it all works, tbh. It just does. I know it works well because I ask people and get positive confirmations on a regular basis.

The skill isn't nearly as strong online as in person, but it's a work in progress I blew a guy away the other day by simply talking with him for less than thirty seconds and intuiting he was ambidextrious. Never looked at his hands. It just became apparent. He asked, "how did you know", and I responded, "I get certain feeling impressions for certain types of people". It's just what I got...really useful when making the monies at the poker table!

BTW, we're both going to continue to mature a bit more

reply to post by moniesisfun


Ha ha, very well.

I will look forward to our next encounter on the forums.