Being a Single Parent Sucks

There, I said it.

I love my kids. I do my best for them. My whole life is for them. And that's the problem. Not the kids, not being there for them, but not having a life aside from them.

My current/ex was the worst of a bad lot. I've never known what it means to have someone really love me for me. I've only been used for what I can give to someone. I've never known what a real, loving relationship is -- except with my kids.

Don't get me wrong, I think that I'm doing good with my kids.

the problem is, I am really lonely for adult company. I'm lonely for someone to be there for me so I don't have to be strong all the time. So I can be weak once in a while. So I can have someone take care of me for a change.

I don't dare let down my defenses though. I don't dare take a chance on someone else. My "picker" is broken. I don't think the factory installed it properly, because it never has worked right. Every time I've used that function of my being, it's led me into a morass of angst.

It's so hard being alone and having two kids. It's hard being in a nightmare custody battle day after day, week after week, month after month. It's coming up on two years now, and it doesn't appear to have any kind of end in sight.

Even if someone came along and showed interest in me, I'd be completely suspicious of his motives. I can't see what my life would offer anyone. I'm on disability, so there's not really any money. I have two kids by an abusive man that won't leave me alone -- when he can't get to me directly he attacks me through my five year old, who is suffering badly from it. I have a chronic illness that is contagious under certain conditions and carries a stigma with it. I've got PTSD and I'm exhausted physically and emotionally.

I spend any spare time I have here because I can't face people in real life. I don't trust myself to be able to form a real relationship with anyone, on any level, so I am becoming a hermit. I only go out and do things for my kids, and with my kids.

I haven't had a date in years. Wouldn't know what to do if I was asked out. I don't know if I could have someone touch me without a shiver of revulsion from memories coming to the surface. I don't know how to have a healthy relationship -- I've never had one with a "partner." They've all taken advantage of my trust, they've all been emotionally, mentally or physically overbearing and I fear I've been damaged beyond all recovery.

But knowing all this, and contemplating it, I still find myself so lonely. Sometimes when I sleep, I dream of someone being in my life, and I wake up angry and feeling betrayed. Because I seriously don't think it will ever happen in a way that I can trust.

Maybe it's just the way I see myself, but I don't believe I have anything to offer anyone. My couple function is broken.

People keep telling me I should start dating again.

Why? Why on earth would I do that to myself, and to my kids?

And even if I was willing, in all seriousness, there are so many other women with better qualifications in the world.

So I spend my time on here, looking for friendship at arm's length. Because I can't keep up any kind of real friendship or relationship for any length of time.

I can't blame my ex entirely. I chose him. Something in me must like being treated like garbage, because that's all I ever go after. Men who take and never give. Or at least, never give except in the beginning, when they are trying to impress me enough to stick around so they can suck me dry.

Isn't it sad that the only contact I have with people beyond a superficial level are online? I guess it's safer that way. Even if I end up feeling something for someone, I'll never get to meet them, so I won't have to worry about being taken for a ride again.

I don't think I could survive another ride like the last one. I keep asking to be let off, but the ride appears to be on an infinite loop and there's no escape.

I think love is entirely overrated and I also think that all the "true love" crap in the media leads people into false hope and expectation. I've been suckered by it all my life.

How do you move past it? How to accept that life isn't like a story -- sometimes there isn't really any romantic love that's real? Some people are lucky and find someone they can bond with and go for a whole lifetime falling deeper in love. But most of us don't get that, and I think it's a shame.

Love is just another four letter word. The censors should strike it when it comes up on the board.

We all love you on here MM!

I you!

is never over rated!

MonKey

Thank you, ChiKey.

I had one of those dreams last night -- one that I had someone in my life who cared about me (not gonna mention who).

But when I woke up and realized it was just a dream, I just got angry and lonely and really sad. It was easier when that part of me was numb. I just don't want to have to deal with it on top of everything else.

MM, if I lived near you, I'd say drop the kids off by my place, (they'd have fun, I'm quite entertaining when I want to be) ...and go have a nice weekend some where with that special someone...or even just a friend. Friends help friends when they can. Sorry we don't live closer. I would so give you a mom break if we did

P.S.
I must warn you though...I make little kids eat their vegetables

Good luck getting my daughter to eat much of anything.

I'm surprised she can move around her diet is so bad.

Originally posted by MajorMalfunction
Good luck getting my daughter to eat much of anything.

MM, I'm soooo crafty that often times little children don't even know what I'm up to

Gah. Just to remind myself of what I'm not missing, I just went through the craigslist personals.

It's either old guys looking for young women without kids, or young guys looking for young women without kids. Nobody wants baggage.

Even if I was going to try to start dating again, I don't qualify.

Can someone remind me how to gouge your heart out and keep living, again?

Honestly MM life is full of risks and you have to take a chance. I can't say I feel the same way you do because I am only 21 years old. However I do feel the same way you do, my friendship has been taken for granted over and over again to the point where I can trust no one. When a new day arises I wake up and face the world and you should do the same. Your kids are a precious gift but even your kids need a father like figure in their lives. This should be an encouragement for you to go out and start dating again. It is never too late to find someone who will love you for who you are. You may not be a model but not every man is looking for a model, some look for wisdom, smarts and personality.
You have great wisdom, smarts and personality so you should learn to use them not only online but every time you go out.
I am over stressed as well, I have a part-time job, goto college full-time, I have a debt which I can't pay back yet because I have school to pay for, I live on my own, and I feel like life is trying to crush me. I wake up every morning and lie to myself, I tell myself that life will just make itself better. You know what though? Life will not get any better if I keep saying it, it will get better with me going out and make it better.

I honestly do hope for the best for you MM, just remember if life gets tough you will always have friends on here. You and I may disagree sometimes and you may be my foe but you also challenge me and help me understand certain aspects of life. Just remember you will always have friends on here.

Hey MM, have been reading your posts and have come to the conclusion that you are very intelligent. It's true, some guys want to find a good looking gal to use as decoration for their convertible. But there are guys out there that don't treat people like a book and judge by the cover. This is some thing I've been learning over the past few years and every girl I've been with ends up cheating on me. I wake up every morning and tell my self, I'm number one, and my family is number one, and I will take care of number one. I've been belittled and called a retarded high school drop out with no aspiration in life, yet I'm still here. I'm fighting with depression, PTSD, and stress to name a few.

Just remember that no matter what curve balls life throws at you, what doesn't kill you only makes your stronger. Please take care of your self and your kids, from what I've read, you seem to be a great parent, though I'm not one to judge having no kids of my own, but I've helped raise plenty of nephews and nieces. Just keep rolling with the punches and hang in there. I know it's tough, especially when you're single, but it can be done. My mom got breast cancer when I was 6 years old. My dad said as far as he was concerned, she was dead already, he then vanished for about a year, leaving my mom to raise me while undergoing chemo treatment. She hated every day at that point, but still took great care of me.

Case and point, as I feel I'm rambling now. Just take every day one at a time, treat every day like it's your birthday (as my mom has told me), life is full of tricks and treats. Don't be down on your luck so much, things will get better for you I'm sure. Please take care.

Equinox, slash, thanks for reading and responding.

I've just been doing so well with not wanting anyone in my life, you know? I've been mostly numb because the custody battle I'm in sucks the life out of me. And now that it's been kind of quiet and the evaluation is almost over, it's like part of me woke up. And quite frankly, it's a part of me I don't think I have a use for. What good is it wanting someone in your life if the chances are slim you'll find someone?

I just want that part of me to go back to sleep so I can get on with raising my kids without being sad that I don't have anyone for me.

I suppose it means I'm starting to heal -- which I guess is a good thing.

It just doesn't feel very good.

Well, hopefully tonight I'll get back to my usual zombie-n-haunted house dream series and wake up tomorrow in a better mood.

I wish i could be there for you MM.
I count you as one of my very best friends here, even if it is at arms length. I hurt when you hurt.
I really do hope and wish the best for you, sometimes luck turns up when you least expect it and i hope thats the case for you.
Sure some blokes are dogs, but some of us have good hearts too, i'd like to think were in the majority. So the statistics are surely in your favour, after turning up odds so often, evens must be coming with the next roll of the dice.

mojo.

Thank you, mojo. You're a good friend to me, and it's too bad I can't meet my BTS friends IRL. That'd be a fun party!

*hugs*

MM I so know how you feel. My daughter's Dad took off at conception and I've been alone ever since. Sometimes it would be nice if some one else could carry the load for a while. Waking up alone sucks but it sucks worse when you wake up with the wrong one.

Like you I feel like I'm no good at picking out decent men who will treat me well for lack of a better word decently. There are no knights in shining armour and if there was one he'd expect us to shine his armour and it'd be mortaged to the hilt.

For what's it worth to you I think you're a good person who DESERVES the best life can offer. I wish we lived closer so I could give you some much needed time for you. I'd be glad to watch your kids. My daughter and I would take them on a trail ride and get them so tired out your daughter would eat her dinner without complaint and they would both sleep well for you.

Hang in there; you have so many people who care for you and wish the best. Some day we will both find Mr. Right who will both give and take in equal measures.

Take care my friend.

Thank you, GH. This is the only sucky thing about the internet -- you meet really cool people who live too far away.

I'm still in a bad mood, but at least Dexter is on tonight. I can vicariously kill someone through him no doubt.

Well thank goodness for Dexter.

You know I don't think we are all that far apart; but you're right I've met so many really cool people that I doubt I'll ever be able to meet.

Hope you feel better tomorrow.

MM like others have said I know how you feel all to well. You may have read my single father thread, that kind of explained where I am at right now.

Believe it or not someone will come along some day, your present life situation keeps you from seeing that. Going through what you have to keeps your perspective on the bad things that men do( I am a man btw). And your right, there are a lot of guys out there that are nothing but vampires. All they want is to suck the life from someone and keep them controlled, both physically and emotionally. But we are all not like that. Some of us are caring individuals who see women for their beauty and intelligence, not just for what they can take from them. From what I know of you here at ATS, you have much to offer. Your a strong women, whether you chose to believe that or not, that cares for her kids. Who has strong opinions about life and isn't afraid to express them. You are there for your online friends when they need a shoulder or an ear. Just look at what you did for Lombozo. That shows the level of caring that you possess.

Being a single parent does suck sometimes. I have a lot of the same problems that you do. Most of my socializing comes in the form of activities involving my girl. Because of the lack of support that I have here, I spend an awful lot of time at home. Most of my time is spent here at ATS because it offers some escape from dreary day to day life.

You not being able to trust is understandable, given what has happened to you in your life. But don't give up. Someday things will change and you'll look back at this time and wonder how you ever let yourself get this low. Your strong and a fighter. Keep fighting and don't let the b@$!@&ds get you down. There are lots of people here that will be there for you when you need them.

reply to post by GAOTU789


don't let it get to you -- easier said than done.

But thank you for reading my thread, and helping to give me a pep talk. Sometimes a body just needs to know that people give a damn.

Thanks for giving me a damn.

MM does your daughter have any play mates ?
I ask because parents usually bring there kids around to other peoples houses for play dates. While the kids play the adults talk over cake and coffee. If it makes you feel any better your not alone in feeling that way. I have a friend who is a single mum and she has issues with her ex not putting the kids first and with getting back into the dating game because she doesn't want to get hurt again.

MM, I know we come from 2 very different starting points on some of our views but I always respect your opinion and insight.

I've been going through the exact same thing for over 6 years now. Nightmare marathon custody battle, single parent blues, burn out, rut, etc. etc. ad nauseum. My grown kids try to fix me up with their friends single dads. I politely decline. Even though I'm 50 they tell me I look like I'm "only" 35 and "could still catch a man". I think, as my heirs, they're legally obligated to lie or that I should've taken that opthalmologists recommendation and gotten them all glasses.

At any rate, when some guy shows an interest in me, my first thought is, "what's wrong with you? are you in debt? are you an alcoholic, drug addict, schizophrenic, fresh out of prison, E-all of the above?" When I finally came to the unpleasant realization that I have ZERO judgment when it comes to picking men, I gave up looking for them. Despite the encouraging words of my family and friends, when one "quits looking, they'll come to you", I have not found that to be true of an old broad with a small child still at home.

Sometimes I still get sad and pick at my existential scabs while wallowing in a sea of self-pity and then I have to (figuratively) slap myself out of it. I have a wonderful son who loves me and whom I love dearly. I tell him so everyday even when he asks me what dinosaurs were like.

My "turn" is over and sometimes that depresses the hell out of me but everytime I think I'd like to have someone in my life I just remember all the times I did have someone in my life. Those were not happy times.

I may not have the life I dreamed of but I'm reasonably content. And just when my eye is beginning to cramp from watching pinky and the brain, or my brain is developing an aneurysm from listening to exhaustive details about pokeman, I draw a tub of bath water for him to play in while I get on ATS where I can luxuriate in being rejected by people I don't know instead of the ones I deal with on a daily and more personal basis.

If you're ever in my neck of the woods, drop on by and we'll turn the hellions loose on the 25 acres while we get in the hot tub and commisserate over a pitcher of margaritas.:w:

Hang in there hun, being doubtful on some level is good. It seems to me that dispite everything that seems to be hitting you like a bombshell, you are handling this as effectively as you can. You are probably doing a heck of a better job than I was when I was a single parent.

Don't you hate it when people try to push you into dating when you're not ready yet? You will know when you are ready, in fact if I was in your position, I wouldn't want to date until the court battles were over and the dust had time to settle a bit.