ATS For Dummies!

I haven't been active in these forums for the past few months. I'm sure no one's noticed as I mostly kept to myself and rarely posted here. When I usually did post, it was usually not within the guidelines, resulting in a warning or moved topic. So, I made this so help freshman not go through the same path as me

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So please note that this is very sketchy—in fact it's barely filled out at all. Double in fact, there's barely anything here. I really bit off more than I could chew. But I'm posting it here anyways so I can feel at least slightly fulfilled.

(Keep this in your glove compartment for quick and handy reference!)

Preface

Greetings and welcome to the world of ATS!

This guide is here to answer all your questions and help you get started. Also you'll receive strategies and tips about ATS that the Pros don't want you to know. By the end of this guide you'll have all the skills needed to paint the town red and one-up your neighbors.

Introduction

What is ATS?
ATS is an addiction that you cannot smell or taste or touch. Unfortunately, no one can be told what ATS is...you have to see it for yourself. What is ATS? Power. ATS is a computer generated dream world, built to keep the human population from falling victim into pop culture, and to turn the human population into something like this:



Huh?
ATS is a huge online forum. It's on the internet. That's about all you need to know.

How do I ATS?
Here is where it might sound complicated. But trust me, if you've ever played computer solitaire you know more than enough to ATS.

What if I'm bad at solitaire?
Don't worry, you're still over educated.

How do I win ATS?
You don't. ATS is an online community where the smart discuss about the world. So instead of winning or losing, your goals are the same as they would be in real life: boredom, obesity, loss of purpose... you know, the American dream.

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Navigating

As you traverse the country-side, slaying the ignorant, raping the earth of it's precious resources, and rescuing stray princesses you are bound to encounter one of these symbols:



Now, don't panic! It's not aggressive! In fact, over time, you may grow to like them and maybe even.....love them.

When you do finally encounter one click on it as fast as you can. This will teleport you to an empty and foreign land.

At this point you may feel some remorse and even some pangs of guilt hiding under those pangs of hunger. It's natural to miss the old world you left behind. But, believe me, this place is better. You may now enlighten the rest of ATS with your very own jibber jabber.

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Account Development

There’s a lot of math involved. To make your account more powerful than Jehovah himself you need to learn to manipulate numbers to your advantage.

Oh no! I failed basic arithmetic!

That’s perfectly fine. Most new ATSers can’t add, subtract, or sign their names properly. But you don’t need no fancy degree to ATS. In this place there’s only one goal.

…Which is?

Deny Ignorance and biggify NUMBERS! And not just any old number will do. You need big numbers. Big, big numbers. The bigger the better. Even a number like 999,999,999,999,999 isn’t big enough.

Here's a common number you'll see on ATS:


[edit on 10/20/2007 by Hyzera]

Sorry for the double post, but I ran out of characters allowed. So I will add the disclaimer in this new post.

DISCLAIMER: If I had offended anyone, I am sorry. This was posted to help the new members of ATS in a comical way.

Enjoy! And remember, this is not finished yet.

Maybe...

You should include a link to the ATS Handbook, which can always be accessed by clicking on the FAQ button on the ATS Toolbar (or button row).

Ah damn, ATS is always one step ahead of me! Well guess this thread is useless then?

Editted due to one liner.

[edit on 10/20/2007 by Hyzera]

Unfortunately, because of all the math, there are many, many places with numbers you need to biggify. Let’s take a moment to look at some of the most common ones:

Above Top Secret. This is the most common place to biggify numbers. The higher it is, the more well-liked you are.

AboveTopSecret.com or ATS is the website that started it all. Started in 1998 by site owner Simon Gray, it began as a collection of conspiracy-related pages. A small discussion forum was added, and over the years grew to encompass all the subsections listed below. Here you'll find conspiracy discussion on every topic you can imagine, from UFOs to Political Scandals to Paranormal phenomenon. On the main forum page, you will find a listing of all forums and a description of the topics within. Please read the forum descriptions carefully and be sure your topic is going in the right forum. Run by the tireless efforts of Administrator SkepticOverlord and pushed by the business savvy Springer, the entire community has grown in leaps and bounds.

Below Top Secret. This is the second most common place to biggify your numbers. BTS is your usual social forum.

Below.AboveTopSecret.com or BTS was the first spinoff of ATS. It emerged as our membership grew as a place for non-conspiracy discussion on topics ranging from the culinary arts to movies & TV, computers & internet, and every subject in between. On the main forum page, you will find a listing for all the forums and a description of the topics within. Please read the forum descriptions carefully and be sure your topic is going in the right place.

PTS is a place to discuss the political machines that decide what toy you find in your cereal box. Very popular.

AbovePolitics.com (formerly PTS or politics@abovetopsecret). Coming from the ashes of the 2004 Pesidential Election, this forum is dedicated to discussing all things political. On the main forum page, you will find a listing for all the forums and a description of the topics within. Please read the forum descriptions carefully and be sure your topic is going in the right place.

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What are points used for?
Your points are used to buy food for 3rd world countries.

Really?
No.

What are they really used for then?
Points are used to purchase fancy accessories for your name, once you have enough, you'll be just like Paris Hilton.

You can access this menu by consulting the gods of ATS Buttons. Once you have consulted them, click this button:



And then...clicking this button:



Beware, anger the gods of ATS, and you shall have your points mugged by them, and this will happen:



Tune in next time when I will enlighten you on how to BIGGIFY your numbers!

~Quotes taken from the Official ATS Handbook~

[edit on 10/21/2007 by Hyzera]

Your points are used to buy food for 3rd world countries.

Really?
No.

This had me cracking up!

Nice guide!