I Swear My Brain is on the Verge of Explosion!

Thanks, whitewave -- pray if you must. My state automatically adds in the 10% interest, but if he doesn't pay it, it doesn't mean anything. We're due to go back to court on October 9, as he is trying to have it reduced. He's put in a bunch of false papers that show his income (which is cash, under the table, about $140K a year) to be less than my $1438 a month -- he's trying to get the court to have ME pay HIM. If it weren't possible he'd get away with it, I'd laugh until I cried. Today is the deadline for his "proof" of income -- I fully expect he's spent the past two weeks manufacturing evidence like a crazy Nigerian scammer.

And thank you, too, jon. This situation makes me almost wish I could believe in hell so I'd have somewhere to imagine him going when he finally ends up dead.

I'm doing wishful thinking on the idea of a bus. Maybe he'll just happen to be standing on the curb near the street, we have an earthquake and it makes him take a tumble into an AC Transit bus. This is Cali, we do get quakes. Hehehehe

reply to post by vckums


I'm with Vicki here MM.( evil laugh)

MajorMalfunction...

I haven't read through all the responses here yet, but if you are located here in the bay area as I am, then yea...the school district here (especially Oakland) is crap!

I had to move back to help family and I didn't want my son to go through the hell I went through with the teachers and students.

Here are a couple websites for you to take a look at. I don't know if this will help you or not:

k12.com
california virtual academy

The curriculum is excellent...it's public homeschooling so the state pays $5000 for each student. Practically brand new books, excellent curriculum, set your own schedule, and best of all no bad arse kids.

I'm her mother. I should know if something is wrong better than anyone and it really offends me that my concerns are always brushed off as irrelevant or hysterical.

Is it possible to record a conversation with you and your daughter about how her father is treating her?

"Can We Tape?"

Also, can you ask the court to inspect his employment history and earnings? Or a way that your lawyer can help you obtain this?

Personal Files and Records

For what it's worth, you and your kids will be in my prayers.

I'm with whitewave on this.

Thanks, DW, imagine another Bay Areaite here.

I've been through most of your suggestions already. Since we have joint legal custody I don't get to choose the school. He had her thrown out of the private one, and I had a charter school lined up, perfect for her, but when it went to court, the old school had sided with my ex because I sued them for breach of contract and made a couple of letters up for covering their butts that lied about me and made me look bad. So when it went to court, the judge decided we're each as bad as the other, and let him win for this school year. So she's in the gulag under court order, and I can't do anything about it.

As to his employment -- he is a "medical" cannabis grower. Though he sells on the black market. He's moved his garden -- it was raided last year and was mostly gone by the time the cops went in. So I can't prove where his money's coming from right now. I copied his cash in sheets for 2005 and 2006 but so far we haven't been able to use those in a real hearing. And he's busy making stuff up to "show" that he no longer has that level of income. With the level of competence and fairness I've experienced in court this past year, I don't have a lot of hope that they'll do anything about him and will reduce his support. Which he isn't paying, anyway. I used up the entire $100 he generously provided us with this month at Costco yesterday on diapers and other necessary stuff.

To add insult to injury, we're in the middle of a very costly custody evaluation, and since he is a pathological liar and I'm honest, he has the upper hand even there. My kid's been in counseling at a facility for survivors of domestic violence, and all along the counselor has told me that she only needs a court order to talk to him by phone. He didn't ask for one at our hearing in May even though I told the judge in court that this was all that was needed.

He went nuts when I finally offered a stipulation and got hold of the therapist's supervisor who finally told him yesterday that there had been some confusion (in info from the DA) and they could talk to him by phone without a court order. My lawyer got an email from him last night that left me freaked out and sleepless -- he's blaming me and saying I'm in contempt for keeping him from her counselor, like it's my fault I was told all this stuff. I didn't make it up, but I'm being blamed for it, and he's going to go back to the evaluator and tell her that. And I'm not so confident now that she will see through his baloney and find out the truth.

I"m in terror that my kids are going to be given to him most of the time and I'm going to end up having to pay him child support out of my Social Security. I want to just give up but I don't know how to give up on my kids. And my health is really suffering. I am having panic attacks and high blood pressure. And it just never ends. I'm miserable over this.

I just hope that in the end, all the documentation I've done about his telling my daughter inappropriate things (apparently I'm dying and a liar among other things) will be held against him. But I can't trust the court to do the right thing. Alameda County is the worst one in the state for matters like this one, and it sucks.

Hi MM...

I'm sorry you have to go through all this...This county does suck. I wanna get out of here myself. Tired of all the BS here.

My heart is heavy with a lot of stuff going on in my family too right now. I got no known enemies, but it's family who is talking mess and who has threatened me. There are times I wish an earthquake would come and just wipe all the crap away.

Whatever you do...don't give up on your kids. Couple years ago, and sometimes even these days, I have wanted to give up. But then I thought about it...and it's like I have to stay alive...just for my boy.

I have two sister in laws, both have raised their kids without having the fathers around. One today told me she's only getting $3.00 worth of child support, and that's because he's got another kid he's paying for. Her daughter was the first born but apparently the youngest child of the father is supposed to get the most money. That's just backwards thinking to me.

I'm sorry I can't be of much helps...my only outlet at times is this puter of mine. I just couldn't keep silent when reading what you are going through. It helps to get your feelings out. Can't keep it all balled up inside cause it can make you sick.

Sometimes I wish I could just do this:
Forrest Gump I Ran Video

major, i feel your pain, literally. my sons mother puts me through this same stuff.
she basicaly does everything anti what i want/believe in...
she too pumps his head with all kinds of crap about me.
he is almost 11 and we have been split up for about 8 years and she talks horribly about me to him..

little stuff that ads up...just last week, he brought his playstation over to my house and we were playing guitar hero 2...it was like monday and he was going to leave it here so that i could work on unlocking a buckethead song so he could play it on tuesday.
she gets there to pick him up, asks him where the playstation is and he tells her. she then tells him, actually yells at him to get it and bring it home cause if he leaves it here, i am gonna sell it..

wtf is that? just outta nowhere you know....telling the kid i am gonna sell his gear....

i don't want to pollute your thread with my goings on but i am dealing with it too. i have a support order but no visitation rights. the don't deal with that....you have to get a lawyer.

my ex too has a way of putting on this very humble, quiet face when other people are around but the real her, she is a monster and people around are just starting to see.
my mother and her were like best friends which really bugged me cause we got on so terrible. well, a year ago my sons mom found her an older boyfriend and has basically abandoned my mother..my mother was the only one there for her..not her mom, not her dad...
she used to bring my son over to my moms all the time but now now.....

now why is this? cause she is all wrapped up in her new man...
now, she fights with me still. she fights with our son all the time and she figts with her new BF. they have been together a year and have 'broke up" about 10 times already....i call up and she is bawling cause he packed his gear and left.....all the while, my son sees them fighting and such.
he calls me up and holds the phone out so i can hear them yelling.....he says when her BF is there she ignores him or yells at him...
now, people are finally starting to see her personality.

she asks me what is the deal...why can't she get on with our son or whatever and i can't get it through her head that the common problem here is HER.
i have been married for 4 years, together for over 5 and my relationship is great. hers has been on the rocks since day one...

in short, she is a psycho....

she likes to make things up..

one day last week she picked him up and we were talking....she and my son was in her car, in my driveway.....she started yelling at me and at my son. he started to cry so i opened the car door and told him to get out and sit on the porch so we were not yelling over him.
as soon as i opened the door she starts SCREAMINg and wrapping on the horn....screaming to let them leave and to stop holding them there 'against their will'...

see what i mean? as soon as she decides she has had enough, it is drama time. best part is, i have cameras on my front and back door, with mics on them so the entire time it was going on, my wife was inside watching/listening to us.

it has gotten to the point that every time we talk, i have a small digital voicer recorder in my pocket.


another fast one to kinda give you an idea of how she is.

after we broke up, her car broke down. she called me(still does to this day with car trouble) and i towed it from walk mart to my house. i told her that in the morning, the first thing i would do is fix her car....so, i get up, i fix the car....i call her and tell her it is ready and she DEMANDS i bring it to her.
i tell her no and she flips out and threatens to call the police and tell them that i stoled the car....

catch my drift??

i think my ex and your ex would get along wonderful major.....maybe we should hook them up with each other and they will cancel each others insanity out....

just got done reading the rest...major, i would definately get a digital voice recorder and every time you are around him or having a conversation with him, record it. download audacity(free) and plug it into your pc and record from 'line in'..then, save as mp3...
that way if he lets anything slip as far as threats, words, whatever...you got him.

check it out major



does he come to your house a lot....dropping off and/or picking up kids?

you could point that thing wherever you want and loop it through a vcr..will pick up audio and video.....get him on your property acting afool.

never know

Originally posted by Boondock78

i think my ex and your ex would get along wonderful major.....maybe we should hook them up with each other and they will cancel each others insanity out....

I bet you're right. My ex has a new GF now. I say new, but he was screwing her behind my back before I was pregnant with my son. When they got together the two of them took their respective current spouses to marriage counseling -- how messed up is that? they had no intention of fixing the marriage, just jerking us around. It was horrible.

His GF has been stalking me online since they got together in 2005, every time I turn around some other post of mine from a message board has ended up as an exhibit on a court filing -- luckily they're hearsay, but it's dangerous because they just gave a bunch of stuff to our evaluator. The thing is, the stuff they gave her is mostly from a Yahoo emotional abuse support group I used to belong to (until I realized they'd found me there) and I talk about how abusive my ex was! So I hope it blows up in their face.

I don't care how much he wants to fight with me or whatever, I could care less, but dragging the kids into it is evil. It's child abuse. In CA, if it's proved there was domestic violence (which has a very broad and vague definition legally) then the abuser cannot have custody of the kids. Which is why I am being screwed -- because he never hit me, they refuse to accept or acknowledge the mental torture he's put me through and say I'm making stuff up to get custody of the kids. Of course I'm trying for custody! He doesn't care about the kids except for how they make him feel about himself.

He fought to get my daughter in this public school, and he picks her up after, but do you think he does the homework with her? No. He sends it to my house so that she has to do the work here before she has any fun. He doesn't do anything for the kids, just for himself.

What's up with this country now that people are so selfish and insane that they hurt their kids to get at their old partners? And then turn around and blame the victim partner for their behavior?

Sometimes I think the guy who wants to reduce the population of the planet is onto something. If only we could get rid of all the sociopaths ...

Originally posted by Boondock78

does he come to your house a lot....dropping off and/or picking up kids?

you could point that thing wherever you want and loop it through a vcr..will pick up audio and video.....get him on your property acting afool.

never know

No, we are under court order to exchange kids at the police station -- because of our "conflict." Caused by him of course, but as far as the court's concerned, it's both of us.

When I first left, I recorded everything. The problem is, he's a master mind-f***er. If someone hasn't been through the history we have, and experienced all the damage he's done, they don't see it even when he's doing it right in front of them. It doesn't sound like anything on tape, because he doesn't scream, or call names. It's all subtle stuff, like the time he got the support hearing put off because of a technicality, we were desperate for money so I could keep my daughter in private school, and he said to me as he dropped her off, "Now you know what due process means, right?"

If he was crude or obvious this would be a different situation. He's subtle and cunning and it makes for the most nightmarish situation. All I know is, I'm running out of energy to deal with this. The evaluation should be over in October, and I'm just resigning myself to whatever she decides because I just can't fight any more.

I hate to say it, but I wish he'd have hit me just once. This would be an entirely different story.

There is usually a domestic violence center is most major cities. The YWCA (or sometimes the YMCA) usually has them along with safe houses if you and/or kids are under imminent threat. The reason I mention it is because they are well familiar with mental abuse. There is also a book that changed my life and was a huge wake-up call. It's entitled, The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How To Recognize It and How To Respond. You think I'd remember the author, considering how many copies of her books I've purchased. Oh yea, Pat Evans. Was buying them by the gross for a while and passing them out to about every female I knew. Should give you good info on dealing with mind gamers and is a good resource for showing the courts that not all abuse is physical. She does say that eventually ALL verbal abuse will escalate (if allowed to go on) to physical violence. *warning* trying some of the responses on a serious mind gamer may be the goad for provoking said physical violence.

I'm so sorry you are going through all this hardship. I'm saddened that your kids are going through this as well. With such a shortage of parents that actually care about their kids, it should be a no-brainer as to who gets custody of them.

The best I can do is damage control. Have better success some days than others. If you need a copy of the book, U2U me. Best to you and yours.

Thanks whitewave, I've read all the pertinent books by Pat Evans. I also really recommend Why Does He DO That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, by Lundy Bancroft. It described my ex perfectly. And also contributes to my frustration, because I can see exactly what's going on, but when I try to explain it to the court they tell me that I should leave the conclusions to them. That's why I didn't get my restraining order last October. I tried to educate the judge. It turned out to be the wildcard judge in the department, and he was not impressed at all.

I go to the Family Justice Center just up the street from my house. It's where I go to my support group (have been for over a year now) and my daughter gets therapy.

It's really a shame that the courts, which have so much power over people's lives, exercise it seemingly capriciously, and that they are the only bodies that don't recognize emotional abuse as domestic violence.