Assortment of silly jokes

This drunk goes into a bar, and finds that the bar is having a $5 all-you-can-drink special. So he sits down and requests $10 worth of beer.

***

This guy goes into a bar and brags to the bartender that he can tell a brand of beer by its taste. So the bartender takes him up on it, and pours him a beer.

"That's Michelob," the guy says, and the bartender confirms it.

This goes on for several minutes, with the guy correctly naming each brand. Then the bartender pees in the glass and gives it to the guy.

The guy drinks it and gags and says, "That tastes like pee!"

The bartender says, "Yeah, but whose?"

***

This guy goes into a saloon and is fascinated upon seeing a group of men playing poker--and a dog is also playing.

"That's got to be the smartest dog I've ever seen," the guy says.

One of the men looks up and says, "That dog ain't smart. He wags his tail whenever he has a good hand."

A man and his pet monkey walk into a bar. While the man sits down and orders a drink, his monkey hops around the bar picking up and gnawing and eating random objects: napkins, toothpicks, corks. The bartender sees this and begins to complain to the owner.

"Do you see what your monkey is doing?"

"Yeah," replies its owner. "It's a bad habit of his. Just add whatever he eats to my tab, and I'll pay for it."

So the man finishes his drink and takes his monkey and leaves.


The next evening, the man and his monkey come back. His monkey begins eating random objects from around the bar again, and the owner again instructs the bartender to add the cost of the items to his tab. Then, the monkey hops onto the pool table and swallows a pool ball whole.

The bartender, astounded, cries, "Did you see that?!"

"What?"

"Your monkey just swallowed a pool ball whole!!"

"Wow... Well.... just add it to my tab I guess. Sorry about that."

So the man finishes his drink and he and his monkey leave again.


The next evening, the pair return to the bar, but this time, the monkey jumps up on the bar, grabs a cherry, shoves it up its butt, pulls it back out, and eats it whole.

"What the f.. Did you see that?"

"Yeah," says the monkey's owner, "ever since he ate that damned pool ball he measures everything first."

ROFL!!!

Oh, that monkey joke was HILARIOUS!

*almost falls off chair laughing*

LOL *falls of chair* tht was HILARIOUS omg...i got a joke
ok well a blonde a brunette and a redhead were on a hunting trip (ps i already posted this on another thread but i don't know if u guys read it) so ne ways there on a hunting trip and the brunette goes out and catches a bunny. well the other two ask howd u get it? "follow the tracks follow the tracks find the rabbit" wel the redhead goes out and catches a deer. "follow the tracks follow the tracks catch the deer" she says cuz the blonde asks her. well the blonde goes out and comes bak with a broken leg and arm and a whole bunch of cuts/bruises. "what happened?!" ask the other two. "follow the tracks follow the tracks get hit by a train." LOL i love tht one

[edit on 11/3/2005 by KatieD]

Here's another bar joke:

Two men are sitting in a bar. One says to the other, "I
think it's spelled W-H-H-O-O-O-M-B."

The other man replies, "No, wouldn't it be more like
W-H-H-H-O-O-M-M-B-B?"

The waitress is walking by and says, "You guys are both
idiots! It's spelled W-O-M-B, you jerks!" and she storms off.

The one man turns to his friend and says, "How do you like that?
She's heard an elephant fart too!"

eh...thts not tht funny..sorry ..lol im still laughing over tht monkey joke!... oops...i mean......

forgive me for any bad words in this...

A couple were in a car driving down the road, they were talking about the man's fidelity and the woman cuts off the mans penis and throws it out the window...
it hits the window of the car behind them, where a man and his 9 year old daughter were sitting in...
The girl said "daddy what was that?"
and the father not wanting to expose his daughter to any sexual things at such a young age said "it was just a bug"
the girl then says "it sure had a big dick, didn't it?"

I hope u all laughed

OMG!!!! tht is sooo wrong!!! hehehhe .......i have so many wrong jokes...but i dont want to get banned so i wont repeat them on here..lol

Another joke!


There was a certain man who told his boss one day that he needed to go home. "My wife's going to have a baby," he explained. So the boss let him go.

The next day the boss asked the guy, "Well, boy or girl?"

"We don't know yet," the man replied. "We'll know in nine months."

OMG!!! 0 0 thts so wrong! good joke tho *shakes head* *sighs*
o

The Monkey has brought tears to my eyes..LOL

And to the many other people that I have shared it with.

i kno!! same here spacedoubt! i still cant get over tht joke! but it seems like my friends dont get it...hmm...maybe i need smarter friends....lol

these are great! the monkey had me in stitches lol

Thought ya'll would like some excuses to help U get out of jury duty, should U be called upon

~ I can tell if people are guilty just by looking at them

~ I am really attracted to you, Your Honor

~ I think laws are for sissies

~ Would I have to bathe?

~ Can each of my personalities vote in the deliberation?

~ My religion specifically prohibits me from sitting near other people

~ The marshall's handcuff's are turning me on your honor !

~ A pit bull named [defendant's first name] just killed my baby

~ I get dizzy when I weigh evidence

~ An eye for an eye your honor. I say we take his head for an eye (point at defendant)




Oh and I coudn't resist ...

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on Her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing
the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"







[edit on 24-11-2005 by ImJaded]

i dont really get tht last joke........either i dont get it or its not tht funny....some1 please explain it to me.....

how do you stop a baby crawling in circles?

nail his other hand to the floor

HAHAHAHAHAHH!!!!!!1

Originally posted by KatieD
i dont really get tht last joke........either i dont get it or its not tht funny....some1 please explain it to me.....

When she was using the Kleenex, Johnny thought she was crying.

oOoOoOoOoOoOoO !! lol noooowww i get it! thanks a bunch Amethsyt!!

A man and his wife are returning from holiday, where they’d decided to buy themselves some pets. He bought a snake while his wife bought a baby skunk.

As they are passing through airport control they notice a sign which says
"NO ANIMALS ALLOWED THROUGH CUSTOMS"

Slightly distressed the woman turns to her husband and asks what they should do. After thinking hard for 5 minutes the husband comes up with a plan.

"What I’ll do", he said, "is tie the snake around my waist and try to pretend that it’s a snake skin belt"

"Yes", his wife replies, "but what about the skunk?"

"I don’t know, it’s small enough, you’ll just have to hide it in your panties"

"But what about the smell?" the wife asks.

To which the husband replies, "Forget the smell, if it dies it dies!"

KatieD's blondes-and-traintracks jokes reminded me of this one...

A blonde is walking through the woods when she comes across some traintracks. Dancing on the traintracks is a brunette, and as she dances she is singing 'Twenty two, twenty two, twenty two...'

'What are you doing?' asks the blonde.

The brunette replys 'Oh, I'm just dancing up here singing tenty two.'

'That looks like fun,' says the blonde. 'Could I have a go?'

'Sure,' says the brunette, so she gets down and the blonde gets up on the tracks and starts dancing and singing 'Twenty two, twenty two, twenty...'

Just then the blonde gets hit by a train and dies. The brunette waits patiently for the train to go past, then gets up on the traintracks and starts singing.

'Twenty three, twenty three, twenty three...'