I will not be bound by your thoughtless scheming/ I am taking a blowtorch to my life, join me.

Korn, album: Untouchables, Song: Thoughtless. Volume: Maximum.

Standing up for yourself can be hard. Sometimes people will try and strongly discourage you from standing up for yourself. But this goes hand in hand with the old saying if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything. And maybe also the buck stops here and you should not care who that offends.

I have spent a large portion of my life doing what other people kind of intimidated me into doing. Sure, there were brief moments of balls here and there, but only when the alternative to that was something worse.

I forget who said it, but I've made myself very small.

Now as my life crumbles into ash around me, I think I need to find a voice.

My job, Done. Worked there a long time. My boss legit lied to my face. Looked me in the eyes and lied. it doesn't matter about what. I take it seriously because I value integrity. Now I am done. You will not treat me as though I am stupid and so I am done.

Of course my husband has a problem with this. A big one. But ya know, I think he lost his right to have an opinion about anything I #ing do at this point.

Maybe influencing this is the fact that after 16 years of marriage, it was all a mirage. Out of nowhere, never mentioning this before and seeming so happy this entire time, being the most loving and wonderful person to me decided that he is very unhappy. Hes not unhappy with me, but he is unhappy with me. He can't make up his mind he doesn't know what he wants. He says some pretty hurtful stuff and on valentines day too. Stuff that is just living rent free in my head and will forevermore.

I've had things happen before. My life has not been a cake walk. I just dont know right now though. I'm just so tired. Maybe I'm just too old to keep #ing going at this point. I'm 36 hehe and its been a rough 36 years. The prospect of the next 30 is not very appealing to me at this particular point.

I feel totally gaslit and like the entire past 16 years were all just lies from him. Now out of nowhere I'm so irritating. I'm unattractive, he wants an open relationship, he didn't mean that though when he said it, he actually told me that he just said that because he wants a way out of this relationship. He wants to have sex with this girl and that. He could get this girl so easily. At 38 he's decided he NEEDS A BABY NOW! And since he's never even mentioned wanting kids I wanted to talk about that because that is a huge change. He didn't want to talk about that. He wanted to cry LEGIT SOBBING PEOPLE about how he's sick to his stomach about how bad he wants kids and it makes him so sick he can't even talk about it! He sees kids at work and it makes his stomach start burning and makes him start crying because he just wants a kid so #ing bad.

Where do I think the baby fixation started? He works with this guy who is a fundamental Christian. Shortly after having a conversation in which this guy asked whether we have kids is when this started. He even told me about this conversation. This guy told him that he almost left his wife because they thought she was infertile and literally the only, most important thing to him was having kids, so they were in the process of divorcing and then all of a sudden she was sick and turned out she was pregnant. So all was well and they reconciled. Well I'm sorry, I am not a brood mare. My only use is not pumping out kids for some man and everybody is different and I totally respect these points of view, but it is a bit repugnant to me personally. But anywho I think this guy, actually I'm sure this guy got into my husband's head with this because my husband has never ever not once expressed any interest in having children. Ever. He has even remarked several times over the years about how he's so glad we don't have kids because we can do whatever we want whenever and not have to worry about much.

Now everyday he is making all these comments about how his life is pointless because he doesn't have kids.

I know how he is so I don't say anything in response. I just let him say whatever. So since I have had a terrible #ing day and I'm probably going to start breaking # if I don't get this off my chest, here is what I want to say to this feckless sack of # who has wasted the prime years of my life with fakery and #ing bull#.

Without me, you wouldn't have a place to live. The house is mine. Your name is on nothing here. Without me, you wouldn't have a job. I pulled strings and got your job for you. I have supported you in many ways for many years when you did not have a job. You contributed nothing. I had to sell my parent's house because of you. I loved you and was willing to do all these things for you and if you think you will be so much better off with all these 20 year old girls you work with you think you can woo and # so easily, have at it bud. The grass is green where you #ing water it dip#.

Please join me in no longer taking any # from anyone.

a reply to: Shoshanna

ps. Currently am sitting here kinda miffed because I impulse bought this seagram escapes because I wanted something fruity. the voice in the back of my head kept saying "get the hennessey or the margaritas kit, you know you wanna get wasted" but I didn't primarily because I didn't want to listen to the mouth about spending 60 bucks on liquor hehe but also because I reason that a 12 pack of what I thought was 6.0 fruity drink would suffice as I languish in the hottest bath. Joke was on me, seagrams escapes is only 3.2. And and and one of the flavors is mixed with lemonade which I dislike fake lemonade flavor so much I can't even describe to you how much.

Maybe its not bright of me to admit my weaknesses but I didn't drink for many years. Lately the stress is palpable in my brain and I have been alternating between drinking a lot, drinking a little and just wanting the relief feeling of having a little buzz. I know it isn't good, but I don't ever drive when I've been drinking and I don't bother anyone or act crazy when I've been drinking so I guess it is ok for now.

At 38 you're young enough to start over. You should do what you think is best for you, easy peasy with no kids involved.
I'm not sure what would happen in a divorce to the house that's in your name and you both live in though.
But don't have kids because you feel pressured by your husband, which I'm sure you understand.

It beats being in your 50s with no prospects ever again

a reply to: Shoshanna

Hang in there, kid.

a reply to: Shoshanna



"Please join me in no longer taking any # from anyone.".....



Hope things get better, I truly mean that.

a reply to: Shoshanna

Sounds like your having a pretty crappy new year this year. I feel for you. I am confident you are strong enough to get through all of this and know you are venting your frustration about things in this thread. It is good to vent your frustration instead of keeping it in.

I hope Things start getting better for you quickly, and I hope you find a new job you like better than your last one too.

Unemployment doesn't pay that much, but it does give you a little till you can find a new job you like.

a reply to: Shoshanna

I am sorry life is so crappy for you right now! It seems like life often resembles a yoyo with its up and down years, but you've shown gret=at strength and determination on ATS; you've got this! I expect you'll be turning this around to create the life you want soon.
Best of life to yoy!

Hate to hear this happening to you, Shoshanna. I got divorced after 13 years of marriage ironically we had 2 wonderful daughters. we were fine except for the last 2-3 years, but my ex was an alcoholic and it drove me crazy. When I found out she didn't love me anymore I said fine but Im not leaving, and she proceeded to make my life a living hell for the next 12-18 months till we separated, our divorce was final Valentine's Day 2001. I missed my kids tremendously, the first time I dropped them off after we separated my oldest was pleading with me not to leave, I hugged her so tight and told her how much I loved her and her sister but I had to go.

I did nothing but cry and yell and scream on the way back home alone. I eventually forgave her for being an alcoholic but I'll never forgive her for doing that to our daughters.

Ultimately they were and are fine 23 years later. My mom cut a saying out of the newspaper that I kept for years afterward it said: "I look forward to the indifference I'll eventually feel for my ex." and I did I found a divorcee and we had a great relationship for over a decade, considered her daughters, my step-daughters. Even though we eventually broke up for good 12 years later Im forever grateful to have her in my life... and she was wonderful at making me feel indifferent. I helped her do the same with her ex.

The point is I was 35 at the time and she was 33 and we had a nice fulfilling relationship that on a lot of levels was better because of our experiences in our failed marriages

She and I began talking on a Divorce message board but didn't meet till 3-4 months later. Highly recommend finding somebody to talk with and eventually go out and enjoy yourself and life.

So if I can find love and happiness after marital misery I know you can too. Take care of yourself physically and mentally though Shoshanna, Find somebody to listen to and talk to about your stuff, all your stuff, you aren't the only one going through this, it will pass and you will be better for it.

be glad to be rid of toxic people in your life...

a reply to: Shoshanna

Sounds to me like you're not having sex with him.

Which is kind of a problem in a relationship.

And it doesn't matter when or where he "decided" he wants kids. He wants them. I didn't want kids. Now I do, and I'm older than you. And it came out of nowhere.

That's nice, the house is yours. Good for you. If it wasn't paid off before you got married, it's his too. Sorry.

originally posted by: ashisnotanidiot
a reply to: Shoshanna

Sounds to me like you're not having sex with him.

Which is kind of a problem in a relationship.

And it doesn't matter when or where he "decided" he wants kids. He wants them. I didn't want kids. Now I do, and I'm older than you. And it came out of nowhere.

That's nice, the house is yours. Good for you. If it wasn't paid off before you got married, it's his too. Sorry.

LOL, not necessarily depending on the state, if he is cheating on her and she has a decent attorney. It might not be split 50/50 at all.

www.thelaw.com...

a reply to: Shoshanna

I understand in a relationship that has lasted awhile that you are going to overthink this.

Was it me, what have I done, what can I change?

But at the end of the day, your life is no longer compatible to his and if he was an actual significant other then you would both meet in the middle.

Your husband is acting like a child.

You don't need to be a mother to your husband.

Get out while you can and live your life.

Just my opinion, as always.

originally posted by: ashisnotanidiot
a reply to: Shoshanna

Sounds to me like you're not having sex with him.

Which is kind of a problem in a relationship.

And it doesn't matter when or where he "decided" he wants kids. He wants them. I didn't want kids. Now I do, and I'm older than you. And it came out of nowhere.

That's nice, the house is yours. Good for you. If it wasn't paid off before you got married, it's his too. Sorry.

If sex defines your relationship, then you don't have a relationship.

Took the time to read this. I feel sorry for what you're going through. Wish I could do or say more. Recently a friend of my wife, almost a sister, as they grew up together, for years in the same household when my mother-in-law adopted her, had her husband leave her out of the blue. It is a sad story for sure and a lot of tears were involved and frustration. A truly good-for-nothing man.

In any event my wife shared this music video with her (other things but this is what I could think of to share with you). I hope you take it for what it is.

Roll It On Him

originally posted by: putnam6

originally posted by: ashisnotanidiot
a reply to: Shoshanna

Sounds to me like you're not having sex with him.

Which is kind of a problem in a relationship.

And it doesn't matter when or where he "decided" he wants kids. He wants them. I didn't want kids. Now I do, and I'm older than you. And it came out of nowhere.

That's nice, the house is yours. Good for you. If it wasn't paid off before you got married, it's his too. Sorry.

LOL, not necessarily depending on the state, if he is cheating on her and she has a decent attorney. It might not be split 50/50 at all.

www.thelaw.com...

If they're not having sex, she can't use the cheating card.

Sex is a natural part of a relationship, and without it, it's not a healthy relationship.

a reply to: Lumenari

One of my exes put sex on the forefront of the relationship. That is certainly a part. But everything else is more.

originally posted by: Lumenari

originally posted by: ashisnotanidiot
a reply to: Shoshanna

Sounds to me like you're not having sex with him.

Which is kind of a problem in a relationship.

And it doesn't matter when or where he "decided" he wants kids. He wants them. I didn't want kids. Now I do, and I'm older than you. And it came out of nowhere.

That's nice, the house is yours. Good for you. If it wasn't paid off before you got married, it's his too. Sorry.

If sex defines your relationship, then you don't have a relationship.

Did I say sex defines a relationship?

Nope.

If you're going to pretend not having sex with your partner is healthy or fulfilling for your partner, you should probably go seek mental help.

originally posted by: ashisnotanidiot

originally posted by: Lumenari

originally posted by: ashisnotanidiot
a reply to: Shoshanna

Sounds to me like you're not having sex with him.

Which is kind of a problem in a relationship.

And it doesn't matter when or where he "decided" he wants kids. He wants them. I didn't want kids. Now I do, and I'm older than you. And it came out of nowhere.

That's nice, the house is yours. Good for you. If it wasn't paid off before you got married, it's his too. Sorry.

If sex defines your relationship, then you don't have a relationship.

Did I say sex defines a relationship?

Nope.

If you're going to pretend not having sex with your partner is healthy or fulfilling for your partner, you should probably go seek mental help.

Reminds me of something a psychologist once said, I don't remember where, but after dealing with family problems for decades the psychologist made the statement that when sex is in a marriage it just makes up a normal part of it, but if it is lacking in a marriage it becomes the number one issue in the marriage and causes a lot a lot a lot of problems.

Of course that is a personal issue between the partners. But if it is lacking it can cause great harm to a relationship. God's word commands marriage partners to give sex to their marriage partner. (1 Corinthians 7:3.)

a reply to: Shoshanna

If he feels that his life is "pointless", it is because HE has failed (despite all the emotional and financial support you have given to him) to find and develop that "point"!


God forbid that such an immature and feckless person such as he, should, in any way influence the life of an innocent child.

originally posted by: ashisnotanidiot

originally posted by: putnam6

originally posted by: ashisnotanidiot
a reply to: Shoshanna

Sounds to me like you're not having sex with him.

Which is kind of a problem in a relationship.

And it doesn't matter when or where he "decided" he wants kids. He wants them. I didn't want kids. Now I do, and I'm older than you. And it came out of nowhere.

That's nice, the house is yours. Good for you. If it wasn't paid off before you got married, it's his too. Sorry.

LOL, not necessarily depending on the state, if he is cheating on her and she has a decent attorney. It might not be split 50/50 at all.

www.thelaw.com...

If they're not having sex, she can't use the cheating card.

Sex is a natural part of a relationship, and without it, it's not a healthy relationship.

Respectfully if he is cheating, she has the right to be concerned about STDs, true or false?

Do they not teach sex ed anymore? I mean it's common courtesy even when you are single and ready to mingle.

This is how so many people get herpes LOL. If you knowingly have sex with someone while you have an STD you can be liable for damages especially if you repeatedly double-dip with your spouse.

There are divorces based solely on the fact that a cheating partner gave a non-cheating partner an STD

www.thackersleight.com...

Suppose your spouse knew they had an STD and hid it from you. In that case, there may be a separate civil claim or even criminal charges related to the intentional transmission of an STD. The chances of a lawsuit or criminal charges can encourage your spouse to settle your divorce quickly and avoid creating a record of your testimony about the disease.

Not even going to discuss how many times sex was withheld for days or weeks because a spouse or partner thought I was cheating when I wasn't. Or sex being withheld to show displeasure in my other activities.