Are you angry with someone? Holding a grudge? Ghosting anyone?

I feel too compelled to say something and not let a chance get away from me to say something someone might find helpful as I feel like my insides are trying to tear themselves out of my skin right now and the feeling is killing me…

That’s because I just woke up only minutes ago to be informed that someone in my family lost his battle with depression, loneliness, substances, not belonging, and many other demons while I slept last night. I’m not sure how or anything, I can’t handle picturing it, I made that mistake before and so forever after I know that details and imagery are not good for me in tragic situations. Though I have only said it once I believe on here and never shared it with a soul in real life, at a certain age I was informed that I had been tricked by a few other family members in my life to whom I am not actually related but who simply played a part while I was young but in truth, my great-grandfather was a murderer and my grandpa, an executed prolific serial killer. I made the mistake of pulling all his trial records and reading everything they knew about his crimes and all I can say is I wish I didn’t know any of it, it is a horrible thing to know who, and how, and to be able to picture things. But given the sudden guilt I’m drowning in, if I ever learn enough about last night to picture it I don’t think I’ll be able to handle it at all.

This person who left us last night now…he did something just one time that I cut him out of my life for. For years even when he would send me a message saying hello or something, I would block him and in a way that he would be informed he was blocked. Or someone would be on the phone with him right next to me and would ask if I’d like to say hello to him or wish him a happy birthday and he would hear them ask me and then hear my, “no thank you.”

Now this thing he did, we were both out of it “ “ and had just had a wonderful time together that night. And it didn’t go far at all, I put a stop to it immediately but felt very uncomfortable afterwards. In just the last 10 minutes though, I have seen clear suddenly and I don’t know if what I did was ok or…I mean I am an absolute mess. I told one person about it before and was told that he did the best he could and was the best person he could be given what he grew up with. You see, he’s much older so he was right there in the middle of horrible things that occurred all before I was born but were real life for him. He didn’t have a healthy modeling of healthy love and behavior like I did, as I had the most sacrificial father who spent every second not working with my sister and me and to this day isn’t afraid to kiss me on the lips and say I love you son, and my mom is an angel straight from heaven. I often am surprised and at first don’t understand how to relate because I never imagine people not having a mom and dad like mine. And to have them into my 40s, I’m so blessed. I mean, he didnt have anything like that too…he was probably just unable to understand feeling so connected that night and like we were so great friends for each other.

And so I just look at what I did after what he did and I mean, it didn’t get anywhere again I stopped it. We were totally “goofy” too and had seratonin booming from going out dancing. All these years I made sure he knew that I didn’t accept him or he didn’t meet my standards to as much as speak to me. And for what? A moment of confusion I only now see meant nothing but he loved me and had never been shown a healthy family anywhere to know how to act. And maybe if I had been his friend and not cut him out like so so many people in his life did, and he was homosexual and not accepted by his parents or brother…my immediate family never cared though in fact my first gay bar was opening night when he owned a gay disco back in the 80s I was 2 or 3 and my sister 5 and we cut a rug til late night the two of us with my mom and dad to support him. He suffered so much and was rejected so much and I had years to understand his mistake and accept him and love him. But I only now know that.

Just an hour ago I had no clue it had any consequence at all. So if anyone loves or ever did have love for someone out there for whom they hold a grudge, just understand that what I have learned in this very moment of time is that when given the option, I think forgiving and accepting and loving someone is somethng you won’t ever in any circumstance live to regret. However holding a grudge, ignoring and cutting out someone, punishing someone, my God what is it for? I mean what did it do for me? And how could I have….

I just don’t know I’m an absolute mess right now…never mind maybe?

a reply to: AlexandrosTheGreat

Don't be so hard on yourself you did what you could with the tools your life experiences at that point gave you. Not to mention you could have handled it perfectly and it could have still had the same outcome, hell it could have been worse.

It's earlier enough now obviously for you to revisit it, but don't dwell on this, you have no way of knowing for sure and are just speculating.

i struggle with the same problems. every day is a battle. sometimes survival is one second at a time. if i make it 1 minute at a time the relief is enormous. any normal person would think even 1 minute at a time is still insane. i desperately want anyone to just pick up the phone and say they care. most dont. they dont understand it. the pain becomes so great that you want it gone. its a final solution to a temporary problem, and i know that. so i1 day at a time is my normal state. when I get to 1 second at a time, its truly crisis. people cant get it. im ok with that. its very real though and it is deeply painfull. that the only solution becomes the ultimate on. everyone around them hurts. take solace that it wasnt you, it was an act of mercy on himself. mercy is the only gift that matters and there is nothing anyone can do to ttake that away. nobody has that responsability, nor authority to take mercy away from a person in pain. not even god. he is ok now, and you will be too. i hope that this helped. it got me to 1 hour at a time and thats a miracle.

I'm not really talking to my brother, he hasn't been agreeable for about three years now, ever since he lost his job for not showing up to work.
Any time I try, he talks nonsense.
I've tried asking him for help just to give him something to do, but he just gets condescending and rude, then complains to others when I refuse to ask him for help.

He's an Idiot and an ass, so I don't really talk to him.

I learned that nobody gave a S# about me a long time ago, it sucks, but I've found some solace in it. I don't seek out love and acceptance anymore, I figure if its meant to be its meant to be.

Generally I'm very good with people, can talk to about anybody. I've found that its not worth my time to talk to people about my personal problems because they have been used against me in the past.

I figure if I ever opt out, I'd not seek help beforehand, because words are just words.

If I cut someone, they've richly deserved it for one reason or another. I am a patient person and very slow to anger. If you push me that far, then it's really on you.

Usually toxic people ghost me first.

But they don't realize I'm on to them, and heavens do they get up upset, when their "hoovers" don't work.

Of course everybody is going to have toxic people in their lives, and I know some merely require only need-to contact, and stay off the social media radar.

What's non-negotiable to me though is when couples try to triangulate me in their relationships.

I'm proudly single, I didn't marry either of you.

a reply to: AlexandrosTheGreat

Hey bro I know exactly what it's like. When someone passes it's so final there will ALWAYS be regrets. Its natural to think back and want it to be different. Seeing through rose colored glasses how you could have been more forgiving and loving.

But the truth is (in my case at least) there is a reason I broke contact. There is a reason I stopped subjecting myself to the negativity and manipulation. And while you cant help but feel like YOU could have acted different you are really wishing that THEY could have acted different.

When related it's even more difficult...

Dont be too hard on yourself. It is not your fault this person was the way he was.

This is a powerful lesson in forgiveness and the power it has. What the author will feel for a very long time now, will show the power holding a grudge has over you..
Sorry, author, but we reap what we sow. And you'll live with that now.
How can you make this guilt go away??

Forgive others from here on out...

Thank you for sharing this story. Very brave and noble of you. I know this story and what it will cause, so I wasn't going to blow sunshine up your butt here. You need cold hard truth. Truth is, you do hold responsibility for your actions.
What that person did was their choice not yours. But do you see the pain they felt now? Doesn't feel good does it.

When someone tells you their sad----LISTEN.

This is the hard lesson you are learning.

Own this...

And now forgive yourself and others.



ETA: I'd like to introduce you to a song that has helped me. Having known this journey myself.
The song is "Far behind" by Candlebox.
Listen to the words. They will hit home.

Again, thank you for being brave enough to share this.

If it's narcissism (the disorder) the ghosting begins with a discard.

Here feathers are going to fly.

Expect a rage.

Usually their paranoia caused them to make a mistake, or misread a situation, but don't expect them to apologize.

You should be left in shock and awe for some narcissistic wound you may have caused them.

And when they did the same to others they will expect you to fully forgive them, cause now they're coming back to you.

Nope, not playing that game.

I must say in the past behaviors like "ghosting" were really effective.

But nowadays where all the info on personality disorders is not only widely available, but actively researched by everybody it's the "ghost" who may be ghosted forever.

Not willing to play that game at all?

You got to choose, some people's # is worth putting up with, and some people's is not.

I want to look a certain way I got to put up with a drill sergeant twice a week, and the mean things he says to me.

I want to write, you get editors/moderators/supervisors who can wipe out what you did for months.

Just saying, everybody must deal with "toxic" people, but try not to collect them around you.

The gaslighting New Year's Party.

"So sorry, we didn't invite you to the New Year's party".

"You never-ever invited me to the New Year's Party ever."

"You're crazy, we've had a New Year's Party since 2012".

Yeah, I know what you're trying to do.
Bugger off.

Trying to mess with your mind and memories.

Flip, I thought only fascist governments did that?

Not "normal people" in society.

Think again.

a reply to: AlexandrosTheGreat

Very brave of you to share this.

And I get the sense that you're wise enough to learn from it as well.

I think you got this and I wish you strength to persevere through this troubling time so this pain wasn't for nothing.