So...here is a rant....

I have 2 kids by two different marriages. Divorced from both. One was 12 years, second was 6. I have 1 child by each.

My oldest is 14. Obvious teenage issues. Her mom was a recovering alcoholic. She remarried and had 3 kids with her last husband....they just divorced a few months ago.

I only spoke with him twice...both within a year of their dating and getting engaged. I let her know I thought he was a douche. They got married and had 3 kids....oldest is now 4.

I find out 3 months ago he was physically beating my ex and his oldest son....age 3-4 during the abuse. His excuse was his son had a high voice so he must be gay....I attribute this to his upbringing. Very religious. And I mentioned mom was a recovering alcoholic....well....she was only recovering because he beat her if she drank because it was against his religion.

So....my daughter was in this mess for 6 years of verbal and physical abuse and her mom told her to never tell me about it so now she lies a lot. Unlucky for her, I do data forensics and am a licensed PI....

Anywho...long story short....she is now divorced but trying to work it out with the abusive husband in therapy for the sake of their 3 kids. He doesn't know she is drinking and would likely beat her if he found out. My daughter is worried about her half siblings and texting her friends about how scared she is in the car with mom and how she is driving...

My daughter was really distant when she came back from their outing....mom picked her up at 2 and brought her back by 545 or so. We got into a big argument and I asked to see her phone....these are the texts to her friend.




So....I am PI$$ED off....

Anywho.....I could go on and on with this story, and may do exactly that, but for now....here is my drama.

a reply to: Vasa Croe


Hell to the NO! Keep your daughter away from that dysfunction and report ex and abusive bf to child services!

Well, the way I see it is you can either take matters into your own hands, or preferably go to the cops, because that's one high risk situation right there.

Also, you have my sympathy for being in such close proximity to sh!t selfish humans.

a reply to: Vasa Croe

Spouse abuse isn't ok.

Neglectful care of children is tantamount to child abuse, I'm sorry this is happening. There's probably little I can say that you haven't worked out yourself and if the worst was to happen you wouldn't forgive yourself for not intervening.

Actual history of child abuse too man, I can't imagine things will improve yet you'd be the prick if you intervened? Horrible situation. Wishing you and yours the best.

originally posted by: KTemplar
a reply to: Vasa Croe


Hell to the NO! Keep your daughter away from that dysfunction and report ex and abusive bf to child services!

I agree to keep the daughter away from the mom but putting the others in CPS is a BIG NO! Do you know the hell kids go through, getting out in foster care? 99% of people who volunteer and get approved for foster care shouldn’t be allowed to have a CAT, much less a child .No.

originally posted by: KansasGirl

originally posted by: KTemplar
a reply to: Vasa Croe


Hell to the NO! Keep your daughter away from that dysfunction and report ex and abusive bf to child services!

I agree to keep the daughter away from the mom but putting the others in CPS is a BIG NO! Do you know the hell kids go through, getting out in foster care? 99% of people who volunteer and get approved for foster care shouldn’t be allowed to have a CAT, much less a child .No.

That is my big problem....they divorced because of abuse and she wants to work it out now....my daughter wants nothing to do with it. But I can't say anything for fear of her other ex doing something because of his super religious beliefs against drinking. If he found that out I am afraid it would explode....

My daughter even asked me if I could take her siblings....and if I could I would, but I explained to her it would first go to their dad, then mom's parents then dad's parents....I have no say.

It is just sad all around.

a reply to: KansasGirl


That is awful, but I’m sure true in most cases!

If the man is assaulting the wife, do you really think he won’t eventually assault the kids. Even if he doesn’t, he is damaging their psyche.

How would OP feel about adopting them? Nevermind, I see Vasacroe already addressed that. God Bless you Vasacroe, and the children!

originally posted by: KTemplar
a reply to: KansasGirl


That is awful, but I’m sure true in most cases!

If the man is assaulting the wife, do you really think he won’t eventually assault the kids. Even if he doesn’t, he is damaging their psyche.

How would OP feel about adopting them?

He did abuse his oldest son...started at 3 years old. Said his voice was too high and that made him gay.

And I would if I could....just too many people that are closer living relatives that, unless they declined, would be where the kids would go.

And I could kick myself for not walking out to personally speak to her mom when she picked her up that day....I will never make that mistake again. Just figured it was 2 pm to 6 pm....who is drunk at 2pm????.

originally posted by: Vasa Croe

originally posted by: KTemplar
a reply to: KansasGirl


That is awful, but I’m sure true in most cases!

If the man is assaulting the wife, do you really think he won’t eventually assault the kids. Even if he doesn’t, he is damaging their psyche.

How would OP feel about adopting them?

He did abuse his oldest son...started at 3 years old. Said his voice was too high and that made him gay.

And I would if I could....just too many people that are closer living relatives that, unless they declined, would be where the kids would go.

It does sound like someone on the wife’s side- a sister, a brother, someone- who is sober- needs to step up and take the kids in for the foreseeable future. Or someone on the ex-hubbs side, but you’d have to really get to know and vet them, to make sure they are people who won’t cave in to their brother/nephew/son and let this asshole see his kids.

Does your ex have any good family? If she does, it’s time to get them involved.

It may not help at the moment, but I’m a recovering alcoholic, and actively drank during a couple of years when my ex and I separated. He took our son out of my custody (he didn’t do it through lawyers or official channels or anything), he took main custody of him until I got sober and then stayed sober for over a year. He let me spend time with our son under supervised conditions, once I got sober. I didn’t like it of course (UNDERSTATEMENT), but I knew I needed to get well. If there is any way you can do it without involving lawyers and authorities, at least for us, that worked best. Although if she’s a complete crazy and can’t be reasoned with at all, that makes it more difficult to do it without involving authorities. Anyway, just sharing how it worked with us. My son was pissed as hell at me for years, but our relationship now is wonderful and I’m so grateful. What I’m saying is: there IS hope, for your ex-wife and daughter.

a reply to: KansasGirl

That is my issue....I don't want to involve anyone for fear of her other ex doing something to her kids with him.

I appreciate your honesty and that is exactly what needs to happen....I just can't even get her mom to respond at this point. Yes, she is crazy when drinking, but a really good person when not.

Her family lives in a few different states, but none here....they are about a 6 hour drive away.

I want to help her because she is wanted and needed....I just don't know how to get through to her and worry something really bad may happen....DUI with kids is a DUI per person her....that would be 20 yrs.....wreck and kill kids is life....

Just scares me and I can only look out for mine because I don't know what would happen if I said something about her drinking.

As a PI use your head. Your going to have to go after custody of your daughter.

As for the ex. Bait him into something and beat the religion out of him.

Just spitballing here and I am told violence isn’t the answer.

a reply to: Vasa Croe

I’m speaking as an exact product of this situation (from the eldest child’s point of view) END it now, don’t wait; don’t look to ATS for advice. Tell her she is literally destroying a life, take that child to safety and worry about the repercussions later.

My dad was an abusive alcoholic from when I was 4-17; parents “separated” at 5...... wasn’t legal until I was 17......

Kids are tougher than you think; but to subject them to being adults before puberty (exactly what violence and alcoholism does) isn’t something that goes away.....

I’m 31 now and still have isssues from it; I wish someone would have stepped in, the problem is alcoholics mask their “problem” very well and so do abusers... but IF you SEE it now..... do something about it immediately...... being a “ward of the state” also is a horrible option.

I truly and wholeheartedly wish you and your family the best..... just give your children love..... that’s ALL it takes.

a reply to: Nickn3

I do...and use it wisely...

originally posted by: Nickn3
As a PI use your head. Your going to have to go after custody of your daughter.

As for the ex. Bait him into something and beat the religion out of him.

Just spitballing here and I am told violence isn’t the answer.

Very well said.... violence is sometimes the only answer; but that is usually from someone who has grown tired of thinking.

a reply to: SeektoUnderstand

Appreciate the personal experience on this....I did not have that as a kid and I am trying to get perspectives from many.

I know the right thing to do, it is just heartbreaking to me to do it. I will be the bad guy for years until my kiddo realizes it is the best thing and it just sucks.

Her moms birthday is tomorrow....she wants to celebrate it....her mom won't even answer her texts or calls....

I don’t know....just don't understand....

a reply to: Vasa Croe

When your kid is my age (or yours) they will respect and be forever grateful for your love.......

Do whatever you feel is just, let the pieces fall as they may. As long as you are compassionate and morally strong.... so too will the outcome.

originally posted by: SeektoUnderstand
a reply to: Vasa Croe

When your kid is my age (or yours) they will respect and be forever grateful for your love.......

Do whatever you feel is just, let the pieces fall as they may. As long as you are compassionate and morally strong.... so too will the outcome.

Much appreciated.

It looks like she is rushing typing, kind of scared so it appears it is probably a legit thing going on, she is probably not lying.

What can you do? I don't have a clue. I try not to interfere in others lives like that I just tell them to think things over and try to find a solution to the problem. It is something you have to decide on, You need to get some of your common friends and relatives involved to talk sense into her. Does she have relatives you can talk to and work with?

She can't be driving around drunk with the kids in the car.

a reply to: rickymouse

It is definitely real....

And her mom doesn't have anyone in state to help....again another reason I feel bad, but I can't do anything for the other kids.....

It's like a rock and a rock and lava and a hard place.....