So...here is a rant....

originally posted by: Vasa Croe

originally posted by: SeektoUnderstand
a reply to: Vasa Croe

When your kid is my age (or yours) they will respect and be forever grateful for your love.......

Do whatever you feel is just, let the pieces fall as they may. As long as you are compassionate and morally strong.... so too will the outcome.

Much appreciated.

Consider recording a video message to your daughter right now. Explain your thoughts, why you are going to do what you will do. Tell her everything in that video. Then, a decade or more later, when she is ready, you can give it to her so she knows it from you, directly, at this point in time and see you and you facial expressions of angst in making these difficult decisions.

It wont help now, but it might help later.

a reply to: Krakatoa

Perfectly executed advice....

a reply to: Vasa Croe

The wife beaters weak spot is his standing in his religious community, but you need proof in order to convince him to change his ways.

You already have a witness as to your ex wifes drunk driving. She could lose custody of your daughter but if she takes one of those stop drinking pills you get under your skin things might improve three ways.

He stops the beatings, your child is safe and perhaps your ex cleans up.


Sounds doable from a strangers perspective but real life is so layered that only you can make any choices with the knowledge you have of the situation and these things rarely go smooth.

I wish you the best.

a reply to: Vasa Croe

I had a similar situation. My son saw his moms boyfriend push her down the steps. Luckily, he told me about it. Come to find out they were doing and selling a lot of drugs. They got busted. I was able to get an emergency custody order and then get full custody a short time later.

All the court and legal stuff sucks. You're going to have to do it to protect your kid though. Sorry you have to go through this. Pisses me off how people can be so #ty, especially towards children.

a reply to: Vasa Croe

so sorry you are having to deal with this. For everyone involved.
If you have a good enough relationship with your ex, talk to her when she's sober. Explain that you know she needs help and offer her what you can do. With her being alone, she will keep going back to the comfort zone of her abuser. And her other kids don't need that kind of life either. Maybe suggest she go stay with her family for a while.

I know advice from strange folks isn't likely the best way to go about things, but we do care. Ultimately, do what you feel is best, and let your kids know how much you love them. And don't be afraid to ask for help. Good luck brother.

a reply to: Vasa Croe

Alcoholics ...are drunk at 2 p.m.....and that's really it.

Just between drinks....this one, the next etc...

See something, say something. Kids 1st, kids last ....

God bless....MS

*Hey Vasa? Do something....you explained here quite well...do what you can, when you can, however you can ..for them...

Do you realize? You may be the only reasonable adult there.

MS/H.D.T.

In my extended family, nobody F's with blood. Period. One time, my cousin got involved in an abusive relationship. Still married him, still had kids, his grip on her mentally and physically was astonishing. No amount of coaxing or intervention seemed to help change her mind, and since she refused to press charges, it just kept getting worse.

Enter cousin Gothar, who was only made aware after my cousins son of 11 showed up at my door on a Saturday with a fractured arm and afraid to go home. The kid loved his dad (didn't really know there was a different life without violence) and didn't want him hurt, just wanted his dad to stop hurting him and his mother.

So I offered a fishing trip with good 'ol dad. Went up to the lake, tossed some lines into the water, but I *dropped* my pole right in the shallows on shore. He attempted to help me get it, I helped him by pushing his head under the water for a better view. I also helped him keep his head under water to make the searching more efficient. We tried several times but we're unable to locate the pole.

He was very tired from all the searching, so to keep him from falling down, I tied him to a tree. We then had a talk about how I felt because, communication about your feelings is important. Talked about how I felt about verbal abuse and how important my family and blood were to me. Talked about how I felt about domestic violence against women and children. I explained to him that my fierce loyalty to the ones I loved could drive me, or anyone, to drastic measures. How protecting the ones we love, not hurting them, was important and of course, what the repercussions could be for someone who violated that trust. He seemed pretty open.

We went home, 2 days later my cousins son is in the hospital. Concussion and permanent hearing loss to his right ear.

So I paid him another visit, to clarify. 3 fingers later and he said he understood. I explained that the fingers he used to abuse his son were mine now, which is why I had to remove them. He was allowed to keep the rest for now, but if I had to come over again I would leave with more.

3 years. When I got out, my cousin was in the hospital. Broken jaw, missing teeth, broken orbital socket. So I decided an intervention was in order. I grabbed Her brother and another cousin and had the last conversation. This conversation was a bit less vocal and a bit more "hands-on learning". We helped him pack what he needed ( he wasn't himself at this point), provided him with contact info for a divorce attorney we knew from highschool, drove him out to the lake (location from our first unsuccessful conversation) and left him with his cell. Told him to "call an Uber" and let him know that returning would not be good for anybody, including him.

He didn't return. My cousin and her son no longer talk with me. Said I went too far. Very very sad day for me, and still brings tears to my eye when I think about them. But..... burying her and her son would have been far worse. The guilt of not doing anything would have been far worse, the blame far worse.

Abuse is about power, and some are less inclined to give it up than others. Add to that lack of self control, and you have a very dangerous person. Now, I am not advocating violence, although it may seem that way. However, I have seen my fare share of these not ending well for anyone (to make up for past indiscretions, I now work with a batterd spouse program to relocate individuals who suffer from emotional or physical abuse in a relationship) and the percentage is high that if some intervention is not done, someone ends up in n the hospital or worse.

Do what you can, when you can. Remember that it's hard to help people that don't want, or don't think they need the help. But recognizing the behavior or abuse is the first step to ending it. Ignoring it or assuming it will go away, or the individual will "change", usually leads heartache.

Also, keep in mind that this was my cousin. If this had been my daughter, there would have been only 1 conversation. 1. And the husband would have needed something bigger and flashier than an Uber. Something with a siren and a big red cross.

Well damn Gothar. Your a hell of a relo and sound like quite the negotiator.
Would you recommend seeking a third party in the op’s situation or could you recommend a support network or group for him to contact, to find a means to a way so to speak?
I wouldn’t necessarily answer me, I don’t particularly expect a reply.

Pm the poor bastard maybe.

a reply to: Gothar