This is what I did during my ATS time out .

This summary of my trip is 100% accurate . Although I wish it was none of it is exaggerated . (Much) 🤦‍♂️


10:00 A.M I began by “swinging by” to pick a friend up at his ex-wife‘s house. He didn’t know her street . He didn’t know her address he said when you get to the bowling alley(there’s only one) It was easy after that.

Just pass two subdivisions with three lanes and turn into the subdivision with two lanes.

Sounded perfectly reasonable. Grrrrr

20 minutes out there 20 minutes of farting around. Three more phone calls three more bad sets of directions three turnarounds and two pull offs to the side of the road later.

I called him and said put your ex on the phone. Grrrrrrr

She gave me the address and I put it in MapQuest. All right nothing can stop me now. Just as I get close to the gaggle of roads and her turn. My phone rings MapQuest kicks off and I miss the road. Grrrrrr

It’s my neighbor who I asked to keep a eye on the house.

At this point he’s about two hours into his assigned task.

Are you home?

No I’m driving around in East bum # Egypt lost. Whats up?

There was a fire truck over in front of your place this morning.

Annnnnd

I thought they were checking the fire hydrants .

Annnnnnd

When they pulled away your garbage cans were laying in the middle of the driveway in a big puddle of plastic , trash and water.

Great grrrrrrrr

I know it was my fault. I tied the cans up with the nylon rope. So the Coons wouldn’t knock them over. One of the ends of the rope was bushy so I lit it to seal it.

Then I looked down stepped on all the little raining balls of molton plastic but I must’ve missed one. Dumbass grrrrrr

20 minutes later I’m in front of the house sure as # the garbage cans are a pile of melted plastic with tin cans , coffee grinds and God knows what else sticking out of them.

I drove off .

Then my buddy says I almost forgot I’ve got to pick up my prescription. Guess where it was?

Yup

20 minutes back out towards the bowling alley to the pharmacy (there’s only one of them too) 20 minutes back and that task is completed. Grrrrrr

By now it’s around 3 o’clock . I had planned on being in Tennessee by then. And although I had traveled over 100 miles I technically still haven’t left his house. Grrrrrr


The Old lady is flying down so we’ve got the Maltese. As soon as we hit the highway he started barking and he continue barking for the next 10 f-ing hours straight. Grrrrrr

My friend has COPD (that’s why we got the medicine) Well i’m going to tell his doctor it doesn’t work.

Because suddenly my buddy starts making these gurling coughing sounds then starts spitting golf ball sized hunks of phlegm on the side of the car. I’m Jonesing for caffeine and the dog is still f-ing barking.

That little dog sound is so annoying. Grrrrrrr

Yip yip yip yip yip

Made it through Kentucky and we were halfway through Tennessee. My buddy has moved from friend to major annoyance. We’re way behind schedule and the dog was still f-ing barking!

Yip yip yip yip yip yip

I decided I needed a cup of coffee to calm my nerves. So I stopped at a rest stop. Guess what ? Yup you guessed it no coffee. Grrrrrr

No big deal I’ll hit the next rest area . All the rest areas have coffee it keeps the truckers from killing people at 3 AM. Wrong again!

My buddy doesn’t drink coffee so he finds my situation so amusing he’s laughing hard between gags. AND THE DOG IS STILL F-ing BARKING!!!

Yip yip yip yip yip

I stopped for gas and got some joe. I was going to ask my buddy to drive. But nooooo he had smoked a cigarette . So now he sounded like he had a sucking chest wound and was spitting phlegm balls like a camel while laughing at me over how annoyed I was!!!

AND THE DOGS WAS STILL F-ING BARKING!!!

Yip yip yip yip yip

Half a tank down the road I’m out of coffee . I don’t like to pull off on an exit to get coffee it takes to much time. (like that mattered at this point) But my stubbornness is kicking in .

This day isn’t going to win GD it! I’m gonna get me a cup of coffee how and when I want it !!!

Surely Georgia is going to have coffee at the rest stops.

I don’t want to talk about it. Grrrrrr

It was like someone had mugged Juan Valdes on the Appalachian Trail

AND THE DOG WAS STILL F-ING BARKING !!!

Yip yip yip yip yip

So we stop for gas again at the bottom of Georgia at that point my buddy was able drive. The dog shut up finally and I had truck stop Java life was good.

I nodded off and got a little shut eye. The I felt the car slowing my buddy says crap (gag,cough ,cough ,cough gasp)

We stopped at the end of standstill traffic north of Tampa. I’m just opening my eyes up and streching then WHAM WHAM we get ass ended by two cars .

The dog starts barking my buddy goes back to hacking . I shut my eyes and think “why me”.

We were OK so I jumped out to check on the other cars.

In the first car behind us was an Indian dude his eyes as big as silver dollars. I asked him if he was all right? He gave me a thumbs up .

I went to the last car . It’s the one that caused the accident. Just when I reached it this frizzy haired lady that looked like she could play roller derby rolls out of the driver side door.

My babies are in the car screaming like a banshee !(they were in no immediate danger) my babies my babies!!!

I’m thinking get your fat ass out of the way and we’ll get them.

We got the kids out of the car put them in mine . Paramedics showed up pretty quick The smallest tiniest most beautiful state trooper I’ve ever seen showed up a little later. (only good part of the trip) They sure don’t make them like that in Kentucky! When she offered me her hand to shake I was afraid I would break it.

Bottom line 2 1/2 hours later we’re back on the road. And that everyone lived happily ever after.

EXCEPT ME !

THE F-ING DOG BARKED ALL THE WAY TO NAPLES

The rest of the trip didn’t go much better.

My buddy and I wanted to fish for largemouth. But but I forgot to check seasons in Florida and all the bass were in spawn.

The Mrs. and Me well truth be told it was 95% her. Had bought a new house . The movers have moved everything to exactly where Mrs. FD wanted.

So of course me and my friend had to move everything again.

Just when we got things settled my mom showed up.

So of course we had to move everything again.

But none of that compared to the agony that damn dog put me through.

Yip yip yip yip

You should enter this in the short story category. I'll vote for you for sure.

Get that dang dog an E collar.
If He starts acting like an idiot, tell him no...then turn the collar on.
Start low....work your way up.
He WILL learn.

I could literally hear that little bugger screeching in my mind lol.

originally posted by: schuyler
You should enter this in the short story category. I'll vote for you for sure.

I was thinking the exact same thing.

It was a good read!

a reply to: schuyler

Didn’t think about that.

It probably would be a better fit than travel .

Maybe the Mods will see how I doubly suffered and take pity on me .

a reply to: Macenroe82

I would be far to busy prying my wife’s fingers from around my neck if I did that . Not to mention no matter how irritating he is I couldn’t shock a little narcissistic a-hole.

He acts like that because he’s got the wife trained. If he wants off the couch he barks at her until she moves him down. I built a set of stairs for him. He stands at the top of them and barks at her until she puts him down . When he goes outside he won’t walk down the three steps. He barks at her until she carries him down . The same scenario plays out when he wants up on something .

No longer offer my opinion on those matters . All I get is a growl and a scowl.

But I did give some serious thought to driving off when my buddy was walking him at the rest stop .

a reply to: Fallingdown

a reply to: Liquesence

Lol

Love that movie !!!

If we would’ve had those kind of supplies.

I don’t think I would’ve been as enamored with the state trooper while handcuffed in back of the cruiser . 🚓

a reply to: Fallingdown

The smallest tiniest most beautiful state trooper I’ve ever seen showed up a little later. (only good part of the trip) They sure don’t make them like that in Kentucky
Pics?

Edit: here's a couple examples.

cute with coffee


Adorbs




That's a great explanation of things. not really barkers.

a reply to: Fallingdown
How does one 'win' a time out? Is it lottery based and what is the reward?

a reply to: Bigburgh

I would say pretty close to the second picture .

I would be surprised if the girl I saw weighed 100 pounds .

It really surprised me because every state trooper I’ve ever seen works alone .

a reply to: Fallingdown

Love that movie !!!

I think i saw it upwards of 20 times at the theater, # up as hell, lol.

I don’t think I would’ve been as enamored with the state trooper while handcuffed in back of the cruiser . 🚓

They get so lonely.

a reply to: vethumanbeing

Come again ?

LOL
First mistake, Not having the dog "run away" at one of the rest stops. (ask anyone if they want a free dog)

Not sure if I think the yipping would be worse, or my puppy, that gets car sick 5 minutes after leaving the house, and only quits when his stomach is empty or destination is reached.

Even after not eating.

Sorry you didn't get to relax and fish.
That really would have helped.

a reply to: Fallingdown

Well you're alive and well. I tip my hat to you for helping out even though you got rear ended. I'd have BARKED back🙄😒

First time I’ve done that in a while .

a reply to: Liquesence

I bought that book in the mid 70s and laughed till my sides hurt . Hunter Thompson was awesome . I know a guy from a different forum who actually ran with him in the 60s and 70s .

All of the counter culture literature back then is worth a read to anyone that hasn’t already done so . Electric Kool-Aid acid test, another roadside attraction and DO IT for example

Then add in Travis McGee (John D. MacDonald's )

And a list of books like the Jewish Japanese sex and cookbook on how to raise wolves by Jack Douglass .

Both of those are authors hilarious .

If you’re ever looking for a quirky book to read.

Look back towards that era .

If anybody ever wants a good suggestion send me a U2U. I’ll set you up .

originally posted by: Fallingdown
a reply to: vethumanbeing

Come again ?

How does one achieve a 'timeout' recommendation; is it merit based?

Amazing how a beautiful woman can make a bad day a little brighter. I’m sorry but to me little dogs are annoying and useless. Might as well get a cat, at least they don’t yip yip yip all day!

a reply to: vethumanbeing

It’s much easier than that.

All you need to do is get drunker than Cooter Brown and make an ass out of yourself . 😵


The mods will hit you on the nose with a rolled up newspaper and set you in a chair .