Funniest One-Liner of 2017

Funniest One-Liner of 2017

"Dave's Funniest Joke of the Fringe," which has for 10 years now let the public select the funniest one-liner from a judges' shortlist. This year's top 10 winners:

"I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change." (Ken Cheng)

"Trump's nothing like Hitler. There's no way he could write a book." (Frankie Boyle)

"I've given up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point?" (Alexei Sayle)

"I'm looking for the girl next door type. I'm just gonna keep moving house till I find her." (Lew Fitz)

"I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'. But he hesitated." (Andy Field)

"Combine Harvesters. And you'll have a really big restaurant." (Mark Simmons)

"I'm rubbish with names. It's not my fault, it's a condition. There's a name for it..." (Jimeoin)

"I have two boys, 5 and 6. We're no good at naming things in our house." (Ed Byrne)

"I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died... which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine." (Olaf Falafel)

"Whenever someone says, 'I don't believe in coincidences.' I say, 'Oh my God, me neither!"' (Alasdair Beckett-King)

Which is your favorite?

Mine? The UMbrella.

peace

a reply to: silo13

id have to agree the Um brella one is damn good, almost reminds me of Mitch Headberg.

The girl next door was pretty good too.

a reply to: silo13
Right, but that one has to be changed to ''"I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella' but he hesitated.
Can't have it be two sentences otherwise it isn't a ''one liner'

Did you hear about the man who walked into a second hand store to get one for his watch?
Did you hear about the dog that walked down the street and saw a picket fence with a sign on it that read ''wet paint'' and did?

a reply to: silo13

Thanks for sharing bud! I liked coincidences and rhetorical questions. Umbrella was terrific. A variation on that has to have existed... I refuse to believe that morsel of humor was just sitting there in plain sight all this time just waiting to be discovered...

Some of these kind of remind me of stephen wright, with the puns.

a reply to: 3n19m470

I refuse to believe that morsel of humor was just sitting there in plain sight all this time just waiting to be discovered...

Actually, I was jealous and hung my head for not having discovered it decades ago.

OMG me neither!

a reply to: silo13

Frankie Boyle.

"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing."
Emo Philips

a reply to: silo13

Some more from the last few years

"I've decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust." – Tim Vine

"Always leave them wanting more, my uncle used to say to me. Which is why he lost his job in disaster relief." – Mark Watson

"This show is about perception and perspective. But it depends how you look at it." – Felicity Ward

"My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him 'Don't be Sicily'." - Tim Vine

"I was adopted at birth and have never met my mum. That makes it very difficult to enjoy any lapdance." - Bobby Main

"I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free." - Darren Walsh

"What's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter." - Masai Graham

"Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That's not a miracle. That's tapas." - Mark Nelson

"Red sky at night. Shepherd's delight. Blue sky at night. Day." - Tom Parry

"One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out" – Tim Vine

a reply to: 3n19m470, TerryMcGuire

I know - really. It's just been sitting there and someone finally picked it up.

a reply to: Kandinsky

"I was adopted at birth and have never met my mum. That makes it very difficult to enjoy any lapdance." - Bobby Main

I scared my cat when I read this one!

Those are great!

peace

People laughed at me when I said I was going to be a comedian, but nobody's laughing now.

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.

You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.

I like the one about the rhetorical question, but what do I know?

But I agree with the umbrella one, that one was probably the best.

Burglars smashed a hole in a wall, police are looking into it...

There was a story about an excellent farmer, well he was out standing in his field.

a reply to: silo13

You can never loose a homing pigeon . If it doesn't come back what you have lost is a pigeon .

I think its great how the Chinese made a whole language out of tattoos .

You will never be as lazy as the guy that named the fireplace .

I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog and she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”.

What are they planting to grow the seedless watermelon?

I have never worked out the moral to Humpty Dumpty. Is it, “Don’t let horses perform medical procedures”?

Have you noticed that all bottled water has the “best before” date printed on it? The water has circled the earth for four billion years … 
but now it’s ruined?

The worst time to have a heart 
attack is during a game of charades.

I spent four years in 
college. I didn’t learn 
a thing. It was really 
my own fault. I had 
a double major 
in psychology 
and reverse 
psychology.

One time, a guy handed me a 
picture and said, “Here’s a picture 
of me when I was younger.” Duh . Every picture of you is when you were younger.

My dog was my soul mate; we both took naps, we both skipped lunch, we both hated the vacuum…