I am stopping the gushing

a reply to: BigBrotherDarkness

Thank you, I shall remember that the next time some unknown tosses his $500.00 jacket onto the ground so i can cross over. I'll make sure i'm wearing Nike's next time though lol. That would haunt him for all eternity! muahahahah

a reply to: Neith

That's definitely the proper way to wear "the goddess of victory" instead of the one of chaos, war and mayhem.

originally posted by: jacygirl
Some of my male friends like hearing a woman's perspective sometimes though usually the conversations aren't even really personal...more like discussions about topics that we're both interested in. If a friend is indeed a friend...they should be able to explain why something makes them uncomfortable without turning it into a personal attack against you.
jacy

In my view, that's ideal.

"Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people." - Eleanor Roosevelt

That is one reason why you're such a great person to be friends with. I can't go any further here without gushing.

Its not your fault that you do it but it will be your fault if you continue to do so. There has been years of programming in the west for men to pedestalise women as if their desires and wants are saintly and men's are corrupt and base.

Both sexes desires are equally dark but in different ways. Men that pedestalise women register as needy and low value to the female hindbrain where mate choices take place. Try some playful and lighthearted teasing, that way you will not seem outcome dependent and that will raise your perceived sexual market value.

Finally, under no circumstances take dating/relationship advice from women. To understand the female properly disregard what they say, and pay close attention to what they do. A common example of this is when you here them denigrating a bad boy, shortly before they climb into bed with him.

a reply to: Profusion

I should have guessed it was one of your threads from the title. Either you have been watching too many re-runs of John Wayne (Your Russia WW3 threads: you seem to have calmed down about those now) or you haven't seen enough 80/90's chick flick movies to give you some hints on dating/relationships.

Then again maybe you have us all fooled and your either 12 years old or 75 and in a retirement home and trolling us.

I could be mistaken

Curious.

When you are gushing, do you really believe the things you are saying? Or, are you profuse out of habit?
Profuse gushing becomes flattery. Flattery is suspicious. (Why does this person continue to flatter me? What does he want?) A person knows whether or not they deserve the compliment, or at least has hope that they do.) If it's BS, keep it.

Do you flatter all people, men, relatives, etc. or is it just women you might hope to seduce?

I bore quickly with flattery. But a well-placed, meaningful compliment, can have a great deal of impact..

a reply to: Profusion
I think the best thing may be to just own it. If it is who you are, then it is who you are. A true friend will know that, and if it is that big of problem, then someone will either wiz, or get off the pot.

There is a certain amount of humility and strength that projects in someone that knows they are not perfect, tries to do better, and is willing to acknowledge that they failed; but gets up, brushes themselves off and goes on.

If you go all gushie, and you pick up that she is feeling uncomfortable, just say something like, "Am I doing it again?" "It just means I am fond of you and I haven't quite got the handle on the proper way of showing it without creeping you out." Or something like that. Just put it out there, playfully and totally without any seriousness, then forget about it. I mean truly forget about it. If you make a big deal out of it, it will suck all the joy out of the moment.

Just be yourself always. The honesty in what you see is what you get, takes a lot of the pain, fear, anxiety, and insecurity out of a budding relationship. Leaves a lot of room for fun, laughter and good memories.

originally posted by: CulturalResilience
Its not your fault that you do it but it will be your fault if you continue to do so. There has been years of programming in the west for men to pedestalise women as if their desires and wants are saintly and men's are corrupt and base.

Both sexes desires are equally dark but in different ways. Men that pedestalise women register as needy and low value to the female hindbrain where mate choices take place. Try some playful and lighthearted teasing, that way you will not seem outcome dependent and that will raise your perceived sexual market value.

Finally, under no circumstances take dating/relationship advice from women. To understand the female properly disregard what they say, and pay close attention to what they do. A common example of this is when you here them denigrating a bad boy, shortly before they climb into bed with him.

Will you guys please STOP with this garbage! This is all wrong.

Where are these "bad boys"? I live in an urban area, I have moved around within the area enough, I have traveled to other places, I have interacted with many people in various work arenas. WHO are these people??? WHERE are they?

Do you mean like bikers and ex cons? I pass by enough of dive bars and I've even been in a few and I've never seen one jam packed with women. Nobody wants these losers. They're failures. The only kind of women those guys can get are as equally gross as they are.

These type of people are really becoming extinct, also. This is not the path to success.
Many of these people are drunks and addicts too and they're natural assholes which leads them to addiction and failure. And you people think that counseling others to BECOME an asshole is the right way to go?

Don't be an asshole. Don't listen to this crap.

a reply to: CulturalResilience

Finally, under no circumstances take dating/relationship advice from women. To understand the female properly disregard what they say,

I have 5 brothers that will tell you the worse mistake they ever made was not listening to the advice of their 5 sisters. All of us sisters just happen to be women.

Women that love you, like sisters or close friends, will tell you the truth. If they love you, they will walk through fire for you, and the last thing they want is to hurt you or to see you unhappy.

Why wouldn't you listen them?

Listening just provides you with information. You are going to do what you want to do anyway. That is what we all do.

Profusion,

I meant to say something to you directly, before I interrupted myself. I have seen some of your other posts, probably not as many as others here so I don't want to pass too much judgement on you.

It seems to me that you analyze things a great deal. Which is not necessarily a bad thing. And many people do it too, with various subjects.

Perhaps you need to channel this energy elsewhere?

Don't mind if I rant more about jerk men, it's turning me into a drunk! Me and my friends, this is what we do in our spare time, we avoid men and even going out. You can't walk down the street, they harass you. No, we don't dress like whores. All (women) friends like me wear jeans, t shirt, boots.

And although the weather has warmed up - thus causing the assholes to belch forth - you still need a sweater or a jacket too.

Not dressed like whores.

Strangers, neighbors, men in stores - look at you, make sex comments to you, right in front of their wives even, complain about wife, and, or are rude and crass and say stupid and insulting things to you. Some, down right mean and threatening.

This is not the route to success with women. I and every female I know has been on the receiving end of this BS and it just makes you dislike people. You think I'm going to jump into bed with a guy who has repeatedly insulted me? HA. NO. And plenty of men do this. And it's nothing new either.

To me, and most women like me, rude behavior makes me dislike a guy. That makes me lose any interest I would've had in the guy right there. AND - even if the guy would persist and then try to say something like "Im not really a jerk, I found this advice online" - that would be pointless, and no I would not 'forgive' and then give the guy a chance, I would still dislike the guy and also think he was very stupid to follow such crap advice and not think for himself. I don't like stupid follower type people.

As soon as some guy is rude to me ONCE - that's IT. DONE. Because chances are the guy is trying these tactics and I don't like assholes nor stupid followers.

Don't listen to this crap.

Maybe not analyze things so much and be a bit more casual (yet polite) in conversation and interaction. Remember also - a person may not be who you think so don't get carried away. This might be easier for women, since there are so many ASSHOLES out there!

a reply to: FalseMove

Very true when someone is themself there is no one to follow; just be. If that self is a creeper then it's a creeper... not much to be said about it other than their genitals come first and until that ceases then they are not worth much more of anyone's time, and since so many are genital first then there's not much else but their silly games and lines to "stand out".

It appears to be a vicious cycle where no time in developing an authentic self has been the focus just one of chasing something or some one out there as some ideal of imagination and not dwelling in the real world. The worst is someone idealizing trying to force some dream or imagination onto to someone in control; or being in a relationship and that ideal or imagination bubble pops, then they have wasted someones time and still want to chase and nibble some grass out of another pasture.

It's honestly a pathetic and a sad state of affairs... not like being oneself is a complicated endeavor to undertake; expecting someone to be exactly who you want them to be is at best insanity itself.

a reply to: BigBrotherDarkness
I think your advice is valid. Being the sister of 5 brothers I was at first puzzled at how they managed to have so many dates when they were so upfront and honest about their intentions.

I would not classify them as "bad boys" back then, they just had plans for their futures that did not include marriage or children at that time. I think the fact that they were truthful, were forthright, and painfully themselves, allowed women to see exactly what they were they were getting into and put the choice and control directly in their laps. I think some women found that choice appealing.

The only thing you lose by being honest and being yourself, is a lot of bad feelings and heartbreak, in the end.

This is just a old woman talking, so you know how much this is worth.

a reply to: NightSkyeB4Dawn

Oh I am and was the same as they; honest with who I am and where I was going regardless of anything else... if they wanted some role in that then their choice not only of role but to remain obviously exactly who they were. Of course not someone that wants any disease I just asked monogamy and truth; so there would be respect between both parties for oneself and me... if they couldn't be honest then consciousness at some point would likely weigh heavy dragging such baggage hanging out.

People typically live with a ton of baggage unresolved or lingering and it isn't fair to anyone they may be entering into or want to enter into a relationship with. So taking the time to sort that out benefits more than oneself.

I have never been the sort to "be on the prowl" I have been appraoched in every single relationship type I have had... I think it is a sad thing that women are expected to sit around and wait for who they want to approach them; and do just that in many cases. I have found they know who and exactly what they want; and it is best to just let the magic happen instead of being dense and weird about it... as they can taken as a friend and partner on equal grounds bring so much strength and grace into one's life and of course obviously vice versa.

Expected roles not only from friends and family or potential partners makes little room for anyone to simply be who they are and appreciated for just that. Roles are best left to the stage as in real life it is fantasy imagination and not real so of course such is going to explode or someone seeing another "acting" know that there is no future with that person except in some game of pretend; and that's how people get "used" and their emotions get out of whack... it's like wake up that nonsense wasn't you to begin with so getting hurt playing a game that someone else decided hey I'll play a game too? Duh, that's just kind of expected.

So yeah being oneself, authentic and up front about it is the way to go... that doesn't mean I have not encountered many a woman to say; I have been expecting this to fall apart, some real you to surface and surprise me because so many play the games and roles... and I'm like well I hope you haven't been playing one, and surprise this is just what you are going to get. To be honest some of them have not known how to handle such a thing because it is a rarity. The you just be you and I just be me and we work in helping eachother on our strengths a weaknesses and simply grow... if that even means growing apart to have the future that best suits someone; as difficult as that can be?

So be it; it takes a lot of strength and real love of someone for who they are and where they are going to be real and not play games with and without them... if the direction ends up the same in mutual support in getting there? Awesome if not well, at least it was quality time spent moving in that direction we both needed to go to improve ourselves and future.

This obviously means I have had; some later return or want to come back... I have learned though that; such a thing has been more about moments of feeling weak or nostalgic and no one except them has really been around that can be strong for them. So I take some time to set them back on their feet in words of encouragement as a friend as that's all I really ever was or could be to them to begin with... then they feel better and back off to the life they were making and wanting for themselves.

Sure it would be nice to have a friend through on out to the end... of course in all honesty my situation is very cmplex due to family matters of aging parents; even my own personal business and growth has taken a hit and had to take a back seat to being a dutiful son; even thoug many knowing my history with them; may scoff and say screw em live for you theyve been pretty selfish all this time they deserve their lot... time enough for living for me when they do pass; other than a lonely heart, it isn;t that difficult to set my future aside to just be here for them til they aren't here at all.

originally posted by: angeldoll
Curious.

When you are gushing, do you really believe the things you are saying? Or, are you profuse out of habit?
Profuse gushing becomes flattery. Flattery is suspicious. (Why does this person continue to flatter me? What does he want?) A person knows whether or not they deserve the compliment, or at least has hope that they do.) If it's BS, keep it.

Do you flatter all people, men, relatives, etc. or is it just women you might hope to seduce?

I bore quickly with flattery. But a well-placed, meaningful compliment, can have a great deal of impact..

Here's a genuine, meaningful compliment directed at you...

I would have abandoned this thread, but one of my favorite posters finally showed a glint of interest in me. I had to return to this thread to reply to that.

I look at flattery and gushing as being mutually exclusive. Just consider their definitions. Flatter means "to praise excessively especially from motives of self-interest." Gush means "to make an effusive display of affection or enthusiasm."

My gushing is completely honest. I'm not a liar or a flatterer. I'm just going to stop the gushing as much as possible because I've realized it's too dangerous.

a reply to: Profusion

That's sexist behaviour.

You should treat everyone like 'human being', regardless of their physical shape, form, genitals or other bodily qualities or attributes. Only then you're being fair and treating everyone equally - with the same respect, nothing more, nothing less.

If you want to be in the 'mating game' - inadvisable in today's world for so many dangers and pitfalls - it could be a good idea to research how male and female psyches work, and how differently they operate when it comes to mate selection, relationships and reproductive activities. From there, you can make your choices whether to embark on the dangerous journey of becoming a PUA or a bachelor - I don't recommend doing the 'marriage' thing, at least until you can answer the question: "What do you really and truly gain out of marriage" and maybe also "What does marriage give you that you can't get otherwise".

Don't gush over anyone, it's a silly behaviour and embarrassing at best, lands you to violence, trouble and jail (or coma) at worst.