I am stopping the gushing

When I like women a lot I tend to gush over them. I'm talking about so many compliments that you would wonder if I was worshipping them. I do it unconsciously.

I've done that with all of my significant others. That's never been a problem.

The problems can come when I do it with female friends. I had one female friend tell me to stop the gushing because it made her uncomfortable. That's when I realized it was a problem.

I'm doing it with a woman now when we've both agreed that there's no chance of romance between us. Why am I doing it? I have theories, but they're beyond the scope of this post.

I just have to stop. This will hurt me a lot unless I stop it.

Sometimes I feel like the main character in the film Momento. I need to tattoo certain things on my body, or I'll forget them by tomorrow.

Hi
Well I suppose you've been given the signal it needs to stop and it depends on the type of compliments you're giving them. Are you constantly saying how attractive she is? If there's no chance of a romance and it's like that, she's gonna feel you're after her. If she's not interested, she will push you away, avoid you and the friendship is over.

I myself tend to push people away when I'm sensing worshipping. It kinda creeps me out.

I don't know how you stop doing it, if it's a habit. The first step,is you're aware of it.

Meh. Maybe it's because I am getting old, but there are some things I just have decided to accept as part of who I am- whether they are good or bad in anyones book.

As much as I used to explore every possible method and technique for changing behavior and thinking, there are some things that seem to be so ingrained, I cannot change, no matter how hard I have tried.
I just laugh and shrug - yeah, you're right, I'm like that. Go figure.

I tend to get really intensely focused on a problem when I want to find a solution. I have had people in my work environment throughout the years say it makes them uncomfortable- I don't seem joyful at such times. I seem like I am in my own bubble, not paying attention to others, not social. Sometimes people assume I am in a bad mood, or even angry!


I've been told this even makes everyone around me feel sort of pressured or stressed, just through empathy.
I've tried changing, acting more widely attentive at such times but just couldn't. It comes off as fake. They feel I am not all "there" with them in the jokes and playing.

Eventually, I realized I do this because I LIKE to. I LIKE searching for solutions to problems. I like that experience of single-focused concentration. This isn't beyond my control- it is, in a sense, a choice at times. Chosen because (on the contrary to what they assume) it makes me happy. When I choose not to, in order to make everyone else comfortable, then I am unhappy.

Sometimes, if there is no real damage being done to anyone else, it just isn't worth it to change who you are for people who can't seem to detach themselves from your behavior.

Ask yourself if there isn't something you enjoy about giving compliments to others? Maybe it makes you feel good to be acknowledging and expressing the positive or beautiful elements around you?

a reply to: violet

There's been no pushing away yet. I just picked up on a very very subtle signal. This will sound unbelievable, but I didn't realize I was doing it until just now. That's after two weeks of gushing over her.

I'm not taking any chances. I'm stopping now.

There's a funny aside here. I gush over one of my ex-girlfriends all the time to this day. She doesn't even notice it because I've been doing it with her for so long. If I stopped gushing over her, she would think it was bizarre and troubling I'm sure.

originally posted by: Profusion
When I like women a lot I tend to gush over them. I'm talking about so many compliments that you would wonder if I was worshipping them. I do it unconsciously.

I've done that with all of my significant others. That's never been a problem.

The problems can come when I do it with female friends. I had one female friend tell me to stop the gushing because it made her uncomfortable. That's when I realized it was a problem.

I'm doing it with a woman now when we've both agreed that there's no chance of romance between us. Why am I doing it? I have theories, but they're beyond the scope of this post.

I just have to stop. This will hurt me a lot unless I stop it.

Sometimes I feel like the main character in the film Momento. I need to tattoo certain things on my body, or I'll forget them by tomorrow.

Worst thing I believe a bloke can do is come across needy, I know a guy at the moment that is trying to break out of some social quirks and it really is unconscious stuff that he does also.. But then he did say he was having a drink with a girl a few weeks ago and said "thank you so much for taking a interest in me", he was then asking me why she would not return his calls!!!..

He may as well of said "oh by the way I am married with 9 kids and have Aids"..

For someone in your position to have a girl say "it makes them feel uncomfortable" is not a good thing, we all have friends that do stuff that p1sses us off but rarely will say anything so for her to pipe up and call you out may mean you are doing it way worse than you think..

The irony is the guys I know that are nonsherlont have them queuing up.. Just find a way to express your inner Fonzie without all the compliments and offers of drinks, meals etc etc. Or better yet get them to f#cking pay for everything, after 7 years of marriage and a sexless relationship she will own 90% of everything, start clawing some back early on..

I think you need a good wing man that you can give the strings to when you are in a social situation, at least you can have someone on the outside looking in at how you are coming across, just expect some harsh comments?...

Personally I actually feel I can be a bit of a c#nt yet I always seem to land on my feet and end up with the good honest girl that can still make a sound like King Kong sucking the flesh off a Dolphin when the lights are out...


RA

a reply to: Profusion
Yes I'm sure she would wonder why you suddenly stopped. She may like it, some do , but others don't.

after all there's nothing wrong with giving compliments , just as long as they aren' t out of line, innapropriate.

I agree though, you should be yourself and not change who you are to suit others. Better you are this way then going around insulting people.

a reply to: Profusion

Lol, I think if your female friends had a dose of me they would coming running back to you and wishing for lots of "gushing".

How strange that in the modern world of political correctness that compliments are deemed politically incorrect and creepy. We have indeed lost our way quite entirely.

I have seen your posts here for a long time and you are a very good human being and to be honest if they have a friend like you they should be "worshipping" that.

When we give compliments we are wanting to make a person feel good. We are wanting to make them feel secure and that they are in the company of somebody who appreciates them. I rarely give compliments now, just occasionally when it is due.

I generally don't have much to do with people now. I don't actually like modern people very much. They, at times, actually make me feel physically nauseous. I am not sure what to do about that other than stay in my own world where I don't have to put up with all their CRAP.

I'm not gay, but I no longer find relationships with women to be of any use. I had my fill of that before and in all the many relationships I had NONE were nice.

Oh well, another twenty years of this at the most and I am free of it. Life!!! Humans have made it absolutely a nightmare and quite monstrous.

originally posted by: Bluesma
Ask yourself if there isn't something you enjoy about giving compliments to others? Maybe it makes you feel good to be acknowledging and expressing the positive or beautiful elements around you?

I enjoy giving compliments to others a lot. If overdoing it makes others uncomfortable, then it's selfish of me to continue.

Beyond that, it may hurt a friendship that I can't afford to lose.

originally posted by: slider1982
Worst thing I believe a bloke can do is come across needy

Giving compliments is not a sign of a needy person.

Fundamental Techniques in Handling People

Don't criticize, condemn, or complain. Human nature does not like to admit fault. When people are criticized or humiliated, they rarely respond well and will often become defensive and resent their critic. To handle people well, we must never criticize, condemn or complain because it will never result in the behavior we desire.

Give honest and sincere appreciation. Appreciation is one of the most powerful tools in the world. People will rarely work at their maximum potential under criticism, but honest appreciation brings out their best. Appreciation, though, is not simple flattery, it must be sincere, meaningful and with love.

Arouse in the other person an eager want. To get what we want from another person, we must forget our own perspective and begin to see things from the point of view of others. When we can combine our desires with their wants, they become eager to work with us and we can mutually achieve our objectives.

How to Win Friends and Influence People

a reply to: violet

I'm not talking about stopping all compliments. I'm talking about stopping myself from gushing.

originally posted by: Revolution9
I have seen your posts here for a long time and you are a very good human being and to be honest if they have a friend like you they should be "worshipping" that.

You just made my day. Thank you.

As Bluesma said if that's your personality then that is just you; you said it isn't something you intensionally do that it just sort of happens.

Acceptance of someone is typically in total of who they are; true friends tend to over look such character quirks and instead focus on their other qualities that redeem them.

Of course a significant other may find it endearing; yet since you tend to spread it around may find it annoying in that it is kind of done mindlessly and without any real depth to be seen in it... like someone saying I love you kind of often is typically seen as a turn off... as it becomes said as off handed like; "How are you?" is typically said just a courtesy and not meant as an actual inquiry, it becomes matter of fact and kind of meaningless.

If you mean what you say but yet do it so often? Then what you say becomes essentially meaningless where silence would serve to mean more to someone than a compliment or chatter simply to be making noise even if of a pleasing nature.

Attachment to the female form; when it basically consists of bone, sinew, muscle and hair no matter what woman has all of those as base qualities; so what you are gushing over is a superficial attachment that does not dig deeper into who they are and if it does then it may be an inappropriate no go zone reserved for those they want on more than a friend level.

Respecting that boundary and knowing the difference takes some skill in seeing if you just go into automatic about it... even a corpse consists of the same basic materials that make up the body and of course the essence that animated the corpse that one may have thought so beautiful when living is still just a corpse and not them... so what was it you were attracted to really? The form or the essence of the person animating that form? If it comes so easy to laud over practically any woman? Then it is the form and not really them at all... so see the issue?

a reply to: Profusion

Hi Profusion (and Everybody)!

I'm prone to giving compliments freely but no so great at receiving them, lol.
I think past experience has a lot to do with it...and not being able to know other people's motives.

There are the 'slick' ones, who compliment you so nicely while trying to lure you into buying into something.
There are the 'cunning' ones who are trying to win you over or woo you for their own personal reasons.
And there are the nice folks, like us...who simply like giving honest, well deserved compliments simply because it's part of our nature.

Just wanted to add that I sadly can relate to a lot of what Revolution9 wrote. Modern people aren't very nice these days, and I prefer spending time with my online friends (from here).
I think you should just keep being you, but perhaps be aware of the signals from others...their own personal discomfort may not be because of anything you're doing...and merely based on bad experiences they've had in the past.
S&F
jacy

I've got a motto as well

Never believe anything you hear, and only half of what you see.

originally posted by: BigBrotherDarkness
and if it does then it may be an inappropriate no go zone reserved for those they want on more than a friend level.

That's the relevant part here for me. I've probably already given this person every conceivable compliment I could based on what I know about her. I haven't given her any compliments on her looks, by the way.

Another issue is the fact that almost any compliments I would be giving her going forward would be redundant. There's really no point in going there anymore unless I feel like it's absolutely necessary. Hearing the same old compliments usually gets old and sometimes annoying.

originally posted by: jacygirl
I think you should just keep being you, but perhaps be aware of the signals from others...their own personal discomfort may not be because of anything you're doing...and merely based on bad experiences they've had in the past.

I completely relate to what you just wrote.

With the particular person that I was writing about in this thread, she has had a lot of bad experiences that will color her judgment of our friendship. That's why I feel like I have to walk on eggshells with her more than usual. Consequently, I feel it's very important to not take any chances here.

I was just about to start writing about how you brightened up this thread like the sun coming up in the morning, etc. etc., but then I remembered the promise that I just made to myself.

Thank you very much.

a reply to: Profusion

Ahh... so this gushing does have a specific focus for someone particular in adoration.

Most women do not appreciate a door mat except to wipe their feet on. So if you are willing to lay in the mud puddle instead of toss your coat down as the bridge?

Depending on her shoes; you may be deemed crazy either way.

Best to appreciate her as a friend and a real one; not some fictional character that is difficult for her to live up to... that's a lot of pressure when in the real world everyone has faults and weaknessness. If the gushing is so much that you over look all of them? Then how could you be a real strength to her if you never could see or perish the thought "allow" her to be weak.

In such a manner the idealization of someone not only becomes very controlling but is very controlling; as it does not afford her to simply be herself... such a thing does nothing but cause as said pressure and not only that tension... and not the good sort of tension.

a reply to: BigBrotherDarkness

Speaking of door mats, some guy offered to put his coat over a mud puddle for me so i could cross the street in my high heels without getting all muddy. I said no. I went around instead, but it was a lovely gesture nonetheless lol. One of which only my Man had the honor of doing for me. I guess I hate flirts. They irritate me. I see through people like glass, so there's that as well. Perhaps i felt threatened at the time, i can't remember anymore that was a few years ago. 10 or so. My suspicious nature can't help but analyze what people are up to.

a reply to: Profusion

My pleasure, friend.

I'm happy to receive compliments based on my character and my writing more so than trivial things like appearance. I correspond with a few people from this site because I consider them dear friends. Friends who really ask nothing from me except kinship...so I can get a little gushy with my appreciation at times, lol.

Some of my male friends like hearing a woman's perspective sometimes though usually the conversations aren't even really personal...more like discussions about topics that we're both interested in. If a friend is indeed a friend...they should be able to explain why something makes them uncomfortable without turning it into a personal attack against you.
jacy

a reply to: Neith

My Pradas are covered in paint and scuffs too... it is afterall just foot wear. Of course to not test it's durability a shame the comfortable is a given or I wouldn't even own them. Durability it's equaled out vs. the initial price and they are still going strong.

People typically have some motive in speaking with you and you can see it directly in their eyes and where they happen to be directed.

a reply to: BigBrotherDarkness

People typically have some motive in speaking with you and you can see it directly in their eyes.

Of which I am a Master, lol. Few people have ever been able to get inside my head, like maybe 3. I've got a lock on it and only I know the combination. But, I do tend to give the benefit of the doubt now and then, rare as that is.

eta: You've got Prada!? damn you!

a reply to: Neith

Is it weird that I already know the three? "mad men with too much money, and not enough toys"

Yes Prada; that's what I meant about the shoes... if you were wearing some or perhaps some Johnny Choos; you would have stepped on that coat without a second thought or a look back... haunting the fellow for years to come

The eyes speak all action and intent they can even smile... or as the crow flies.

originally posted by: jacygirl

I'm prone to giving compliments freely but no so great at receiving them, lol.

im with you.
i can hand them out no problem but if i get complicated about anything i get super uncomfortable. i just want to get out of there.

OP its probably just a comfort thing....you realize youre doing it so just chill it out.

you tell a woman she is beautiful and she will probably like the compliment. tell her ten more times and it might make her feel uncomfortable.