Horrible Advice

When visiting the zoo, encourage monkeys to behave naturally by sneakily flinging small pieces of wet, brownish clay at them.

In open countryside during a storm: Contrary to popular belief, wood does not conduct electricity, so stand under the tallest, most isolated tree you can find. Also, aluminium is non-magnetic, so if possible wrap bacofoil around your head to protect from heavy rain.

a reply to: Jonjonj

When considering buying a pet, always think about other options too: A carrot can be as much fun as a kitten, under the right circumstances.

Alternately, indulge that burning desire you have to own the meanest, most venomous snake you can secretly buy off the dark web. Then it's completely OK to keep it in a tank with lose top. Those things can't really get out of anything. I mean. They're venomous because they wait for prey to come to them, right?

Oh, and make sure you take it out and play with it ... with your bare hands ... on a regular basis. It does need its exercise.

a reply to: ketsuko

It is well known that the more venomous the snake, the colder blooded it is, so when your very venomous snake is feeling a little chilly, pop that lil' fella's head in your mouth for a bit of heating. Or hug the snake in a warm bed. Both work.

a reply to: corvuscorrax
Don't grow up. It's a trap!

a reply to: Jonjonj
Holding onto an aluminum pole sunk into the ground doesn't hurt either.

a reply to: ketsuko
I saw some idiot get bit by a rattle snake once. He had it in a plastic tote. The moment he opened the lid it had him.

When you see someone go into an outhouse, always run up and knock on the door

TEOT's first date advice.
1. Make a drinking game of it! Every time she gets up to "powder her nose" drag the server over and order one shot, one beer, and one wine. Try and get the beer and shot done before she comes back! And always finish that wine!
2. Always talk about your previous girlfriends on every first date. And always cry when you get to the end of your story. That shows your new date that you are the sensitive and caring type and not afraid of showing your feelings.

TEOT's advice on net activity. Who cares! It will be forgot about when the next Kardashion dumb thing happens anyway. Sex tape, naked dancing in the downtown fountain, teasing wild life for you break through u-tube viral vid... it is all good!

If you wind up in jail... find the biggest guy you can (or woman) and give them a hug. Because your new best friend needs a hug! Usually during meal time where everybody can see!

a reply to: visitedbythem
It's always good to remove the toilet paper, too. It could get damp.

a reply to: TEOTWAWKIAIFF
You should write a book on dating. It would be a hit. Add pickup lines.

Thank you all for contributing to this thread. It's lightened my mood a lot. I hope it has yours, too. If I didn't know any better I'd think you're all having fun. Keep them coming!

Taxes are only a suggestion in the US! Please tell all the immigrants so since us in the US only speak really bad English.

If you have a real bad bathroom stain just mix equal parts of water, ammonia and bleach together and stir! Remember to close and lock the door behind you so nobody interrupts your vigorous cleaning effort!

Always store your unused firecrackers in your oven! That way they stay nice and dry. If they ever do get wet, you can dry them off at about 200 F for a couple hours.

Look the gift horse in the mouth!

Practice your own dentistry to save on money! Go to the store and get some walnut openers and there are your new plaque scrapers! Save on time and money that way. If you can, splurge on a Dremel tool for real quick cleanings!

a reply to: TEOTWAWKIAIFF
Those were funny.

You can also store ammunition in the oven.

Some of my horrible advice leaked out of this thread and into another. See it here.
I can't help myself sometimes.

a reply to: Skid Mark

Oh, any kind of explosive holds fine in the oven! As do lead acid batteries. It sucks when I need to make a run to the recycler and I have to move those stacks of old newspapers out of the way! But you just put up with it, I guess.

a reply to: TEOTWAWKIAIFF
Speaking of recycling, you can recycle old motor oil by pouring it on your lawn.

a reply to: Skid Mark

Nice! Never thought of that one!

I usually just go find a funnel that fits the holes in the manhole cover... and problem solved! Out of sight, out of mind!

If you are ever done painting (like your house or your car) and finish up (cleaning with paint thinner) just store all the used and dirty cleaning materials in a tightly sealed bucket or container. Then move the whole thing out of the way like over by the heating oil storage tank!

a reply to: TEOTWAWKIAIFF
I actually saw that one Fight Club. It was one of the projects of project mayhem.

If you're feeling terribly lonely, there's a rather simple solution for that. Simply walk the streets of any given ethnic neighborhood while shouting applicable epithets as loudly as possible. You will have a crowd of new friends to keep you company in no time!

a reply to: Nyiah
Exciting time are ahead.

Don't forget, Always take a laxative with your sleeping pill before bed.

Borrowing this one

Shoot yourself with small caliber bullets in order to build immunity to larger caliber bullets

A personal one...

If a horse's ears are pinned, always comfort him by alternating petting him on the butt and the nose

If you are taking an opiate and your stomach hurts, take a benzo on top of it. It will help you relax and ease your worries about vomiting.

If you are dehydrated, there is no such thing as "enough water." Always drink until feeling nauseous. That is your body telling you it is ready for more. Drink quickly.

Alternatively, in order to stave of dehydration, make sure you drink at least 5 gallons of water per 12 hour period

a reply to: Skid Mark

If you don't want to get a ticket...but hate wearing your seatbelt ,just drape it over one shoulder,no one ever has lost a limb or been seriously injured like that...


Always buy the half priced green/greyish hotdogs to bring to the church picnic...


Because of the way they are wrapped it is not dangerous to smoke a cigar while pumping gas....unlike cigarettes which should just be left lit in the ashtray while refueling.

~meathead