This is a shoutout to all the deadbeat moms

I'm also a Member of the Dads who kick ass club!

I've got 14, 7 and 5... She was a Borderline/Bi-Polar who walked on us for/to be a heroine addict and a Groupie girl..

Luckily, recently I have found a Wonderful woman with enough space in her heart for all four of us.. she's the mom they never had.. But I did Two years solo and it was the Hardest thing I've ever done. I get nothing monitary.. the kids get no emotional support from her.. as a matter of fact she just got sentenced to a Year in jail.. She deserves more..

-Mus

originally posted by: 0zzymand0s
a reply to: Realtruth

You (and other men like you) are my model here. It's hard sometimes, but I keep my mouth shut (around the kids anyway).

I want to unfriend her on Facebook so I don't have to see her shenanigans, but until that final court order, I am doing what I must to NOT rock the boat.

I was reading my other post I meant to say do not unfriend her, instead of (Do). Keep her close to you, so you know what's going on. I know Michigan is a no fault state for divorce, but when it comes to child custody that is a whole different story.

When adults decide to toss away their families and marriage something is definitely worth keeping tabs on.

Sorry that your mom is awful

a reply to: 0zzymand0s

I understand your rant, but lease don't poison your kids towards their mom. She's their mom, and they will resent you later for it. Let them make up their own minds about whosiswhatsis.

When they ask a question answer it, truthfully.

Especially when they ask, why did she leave you?

a reply to: 0zzymand0s

I feel your pain but under different circumstances. My sons mother gave him up and abandoned him on 3 separate occasions and as soon as she remembers my son is a cash ticket she takes him back.

My son has what is known as battered wife syndrome. his mother barley paid any attention to him, verbally abused him told him she didn't want him. says to me on the phone take your kid i don't want him in front of him. He is only 12 and when he first heard his mom say such things he was only 8 years old.

I as a construction worker work different jobs all the time starting at different hours of the morning traveling up to an hour etc, My hands were tied as far as getting custody until he was 12. legal age here when a child can be left alone for a period of time. I filed all my paper work got a lawyer had her served with an affidavit at the time son was living with me for 3 months while i continued to pay child support for the child that was in my care and not hers unfair yes but thats how it works here.

During the 3 months of the summer of 2015 his mother barely made any effort to see him or call him. when she received the affidavit she immediately took him back bribed him treated him better than she ever has, so being neglected for so many years he came running to her because it was the mom he has always wanted, its so sad she could manipulate him in this way and its all over money and not the child.

I had my lawyer pressure her into making a deal with me ( she neglected to respond to the courts on 3 separate occasions known as contempts of court and also failed to honor an agreement on the original order to attend a For the Sake of the Children coarse I did though ) so now i have care and control and now she has weekends and I get every 3 rd weekend and he goes to school from my house after this summer.

What a battle if you haven't gone through it is HELL very hard on your head, the things you have to keep from your children are numerous. Everyone always tells you the man never wins in a custody battle but I did. I love my son with all of my heart and have NEVER abandon him and have never turned him away from my home, my love for him has never been conditional but his moms love was. The whole thing wound up costing me just shy of $6000.00 worth it.

In 1989 my wife left, disappeared from our lives. My two children were 3 and 5 years old and I was 38. I lived in Southern California at the time. Much of my family was in Utah. I moved then to Utah with the kids and life was great. My children and I did a lot of camping and outdoor activities and I was able to provide for them very well. I was the most prosperous always when living in Utah.

A lot of people praised me as though I were a hero, but I was hardly that..... it was that one family member went missing to never return...... much the same as if that member had died. I loved my children more than anything in this world, and spent loads of time with them. As a consequence, they grew up very respectful and well behaved. There were uncounted times that the comment was made about my children being so well behaved. They simply grew up with the morals I had learned from family and taught them.

I did not keep up with where the Ex was, and I also never spoke bad of her. That tends to be quite toxic towards your children if you use it. It was not an option for me, I refused to harm my children by battling for their affection. Of all the times in their youth they were never in trouble with the law except for once when my daughter stole a doggy treat from the local Feed store in order to feed a starving abandoned dog that lived in the gully behind our house and at the end of the street. In fact the Sherriff brought her home in the squad car and when I spoke with him, he was quite emotional at the prospect of the situation, my daughter was 7 at the time.

Never the less I asked him to slightly scare her with the prospect of jail if she ever did that again, only him and I knew it was an act, but meant to stop any behavior like that in the future. We just looked at each other knowingly... Today she works for Ford motor company, my son, a diesel mechanic and prosperous as well.

Would I change anything ? No..... nothing. Do I harbor ill will towards the EX ? No, in fact as EX's go, she was the best in that I never saw or heard from her and she never caused a moment of drama in our lives. I always encouraged my children to see her, even paying air fare to visit her along with funds to supply their visit. I was happy to do that, unfortunately, she only saw them once.

They were well adjusted throughout their youth and to this day. Do I wish the family would have been complete with her? Well of course, but..... well destiny would dictate otherwise. What do I feel towards her ? Nothing really, it's been a long time. I wish her no harm and only contentment in her life..... beyond that, there is nothing.

originally posted by: 0zzymand0s
a reply to: ladyinwaiting

That's the thing though. I really don't want them to resent here. As another poster already noted on page 1, that would be a hollow victory indeed.

I hear what you are saying though. I wish it didn't have to be like this. Sure, go, I don't own you. But please, please, please always be there for our kids.

So true, but was she there for the kids for most of their lives or was she also partying? I know women who waited until the children are almost grown (some 20 years) before leaving a bad marriage, or who were in the throws of a mental breakdown (hence why they could not take the kids with them).

a reply to: InTheLight

I think she was always a party girl. She tried to grow out of it, but the call of the wild is strong with her. She has been chronically depressed for a long time. Oddly, it was the medication which helped her let go.

Was our marriage perfect? Nope. In the late 90's I had a great job, and things were pretty good. She stayed home and took care of the kids while i worked my ass off, doing whatever I could to give her that lifestyle.

Later, after a series of layoffs, things were tougher. She worked a bit here and there because we needed the income. She got hurt at work and later -- was in a car accident and after that? Well, she pretty much just stayed in bed for a long time. I tried to stay close, got her interested in going back to school for a while, but I think she resented not having a more middle-class lifestyle. For my part I made her breakfast (and sometimes dinner) in bed and wrote a whole album trying to snap her out of it. She loved that attention but in the end, she wanted to be 25 again, and left almost as quickly as she recovered from her last surgery.

The decline was a 12 year project for her. I did what I could to show my love and support, but I was sometimes bitter and angry towards her. There was never any violence. For my part I always tried to steer any arguments or disagreements back towards joy. She hated that I think. I never gave her a chance to fight the way she wanted to.

The kids were 16 and 13 when she left. They were both failing in school for a year or so before that, but I was working 12x5 and had little energy for it. "Pick yourself up and join us! -- we need you!" was my message. Clearly, something got lost in the translation.

She's a rock n roll groupie at 50 now. If that sounds like a good match, it wasn't. I only write and play original music and do a lot of recording between two states. She likes cover bands who do classic rock and the bar scene. I was over that in 1991.

I'm not perfect, but I did my best. I still am. It's just me and my son now, along with my new GF. She never had a family of her own so its been an adjustment for her. She's a fantastic bonus adult and a perfect (adult) partner for me, and that's what counts, right?

a reply to: 0zzymand0s

Hate is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

It's better to let go, and not poison the kids either, no matter how the other parent acts.

a reply to: Realtruth

I don't hate her. I am super frustrated that I have shelled out over $1000 in extra money for plane fare for our daughter to come visit, food and other miscellaneous expenses (doctor copays, clothes for our 14 year old son) etc over the last 45 days, over and above room and board, and she never has any money for even basic support for our son. Nevertheless -- she is always flush enough to go out and party at bars 3-4 days a week.

Hate is a waste of energy, plus -- you know -- I can't spend it.

a reply to: 0zzymand0s

For my part I always tried to steer any arguments or disagreements back towards joy. She hated that I think. I never gave her a chance to fight the way she wanted to.

It may be you both skirted around deep, much-needed intimacy and honest communication, which may still be a barrier to nurturing co-parenting for your children. I can understand the frustration with finances, but don't let that fuel the fire because as you said, the court order is to be finalized, so there is a light at the end of that tunnel.

a reply to: InTheLight

It's a fair, but accurate point.

One of the principal reasons I posted this (a rant) in the first place was to bleed off any residual poison, before it infects our co-parenting.

I have a 14 yr old son and his father did the same thing only with oxy - I won't go into too much detail in case my son ever stumbles upon this site; I will say this; it was a blessing that I got full custody and even though I wish my sons dad would do something-anything for him - he hasn't and probably never will. He even took me to court to not pay support & won. Something I would never do to my child. Lucky for me I have a good job. I have met so many mothers (if you can call them that), that do absolutely NOTHING for their children. They leave them alone for weekends at a time, don't wash their clothes, and these kids are hungry. I have even reported a few yet nothing gets done to help these poor children. I see them heading out with their designer purses and thigh-high leather boots and wonder do they think of how their kids might be afraid, could get sick, medical emergency, fire, intruders; not to mention the nurturing they are not getting and it makes me sick to my stomach. Sadly, there are so many like this nowadays.

a reply to: 0zzymand0s

I feel your emotional pain. I'm sorry to say even though you are a upstanding dad and do not badmouth their mother - the kids know what she did, trust me. It is good they are in counselling; my son is too, and it is a godsend!

Interesting thought. Now in my case I ran into what law enforcement calls a "ROMANCE SCAM ARTIST". She primarily targets US military or retired military personnel.
I had no idea of any of this. She advertises herself as divorced, two previous marriages (‘the first died in an automobile accident’), two children, college educated and a pious Christian. She claims she is self-reliant, a “retired hospital administrator, I do not need nor want your money” from the children’s hospital in Pensacola. I contacted the hospital and they have no record of her under any of her many names. She claims her family is allergic to alcohol and she does not do drugs. The answer to everything from high school and university diploma to photo’s is, “it burned up in my farm” a mysterious fire she collected insurance money to start over in El Paso, Texas. She has three living siblings, none will speak to her. A story she tells is that her father was the Masonic Grand Master Mason of Texas. This story came out after she saw my grandfather and g-grandfathers aprons.
However, this is the real story. She had six (6) children, has been married at least seven (7) times and at least six (6) ‘boy friends’ in between, in at least 4 states. She has filed an Order of Protection (OP) against almost all of her husbands and boyfriends, had most arrested multiple times. One (#7) she was instrumental in getting sent to prison twice (once in FL and once in TX). Another boyfriend (#4) was sent to prison in FL where he died.
She claims to be from Georgia, but was actually born in Illinois. She was married at age 17, to husband #1. She probably never graduated high school, but may have an identic memory so can pass herself as educated and spout bible verses like an old time tent revivalist. When she writes anything it is devoid of punctuation and spelling is atrocious. She explains this as, “I was a medical transcriptionist, we did not worry about spelling or punctuation”. While married to #1, she temporarily moved to Florida to care for her sister’s house. When her husband arrived after TDY, she had #2, already living with her. When #1 walked in, she grabbed a gun, a shot went off through the roof. She was then put in the Naval Psychiatric Center. Afterwards she had court mandated psychiatric care. Documents show she had been diagnosed as a ‘paranoid schizophrenic’, including at least one document by her own sister. She filed an OP on #1 and then filed divorce papers (a method of operation we will see repeatedly utilized).
Marriage #2 . She had #2 living with her in her sister’s house while married to #1. She filed many complaints against #2 and had him arrested many times. She filed an OP and but then #2 filed divorce papers, after she moved onto yet another ‘boyfriend’ (called Jeep Cherokee Guy). She was arrested at least one time for drug possession in North Carolina during this time. #2 died in an ‘automobile accident’, but he died three (3) years after their divorce! During this time she collect’s her oldest daughter’s urine to take to work for urinalysis.
#3 . This is a guy only referred to as the ‘Jeep Cherokee guy”, because she was driving his Jeep Cherokee. She lived was with this person during the marriage to #2.
#4 Moved in with #4 while still married to #2 and in the same time frame as Jeep Cherokee Guy. Filed many complaints and had him arrested many times. Filed OP after moving onto yet another ‘boyfriend’ (called the Retired Navy Guy). #3 went to prison and appears to have died in prison. This appears to be about the time she was working as an adult entertainer at ‘Babe’s Gentleman’s Club’ and ‘Arety’s Angels Strip Club and Massage Parlor’, Pensacola, FL for two of a reported three clubs. About the time she made adult entertainment tape/s.
#5 (FNU LNU). This one was referred to as the ‘Retired Navy Guy’ by family and children. Also be about the time she was working as an adult entertainer at Babe’s and Arety’s, Pensacola.
#6 (FNU LNU). This may be the ‘farmer’. She married a farmer, demanding he sign his farm to her and not his own children. He refused and she filed for divorce. Marriage lasted for less than a year.
#7 An ordained minister, she met him while undergoing substance abuse counseling; destroying a 30+ year marriage. she got him de-frocked and arrested 17 times in three (3) years between 1997 and 1999. She had OP put on him and he was sent to prison twice. Reportedly however, her skin issues were due to Botox injections and multiple ‘chemical skin peels’, both professional and ‘homemade’ skin peels (at one point she attempted to have her daughter partake in a homemade skin peel). Both times #7 went to jail was for violation of the OP. She would lure him to her, and have him arrested, the last time luring him from Florida to El Paso, Texas.
#8. (FNU LNU). Do not know anything about this person, a rumor. He was in El Paso, Texas, after #7, the minister, went to prison and before she married the 75 year old man.
#9. When she was 41 years old, she married #9, a 75 year old man who owned a furniture store, convinced him to liquidate his retirement and put it into gold, silver and jewelry (over 2 1/2 pounds of gold, and a like amount of silver). I was due to rotate out of the Middle East in early August 2007. She divorced #9 at the beginning of August 2007. Even though she told me she is allergic to alcohol, #9 reported she was a drunk and smoked ‘large amounts’ of marijuana. When I recently spoke to #9, he asked if I was the Border Patrol Supervisor, I said, no, he replied, “…then there was someone else between us”.
#10. (FNU LNU). The ‘Border Patrol Supervisor’. I was due to rotate out of Afghanistan in early August, but was extended by 90 days. This is who she found for the 90 days until I returned.
#11. I returned to the US. She had previously asked my preference in dress (casual), hair color (light color), hair style (short), food (beef and potatoes), politics (conservative), physical contact (romantic) and activities (active outdoors). She was everything I had described and more. She immediately wanted to move because, she said, of her child, this was before I knew she had taken the precious metals from #9. I managed to get a medical transfer and we moved to Arizona. Everything from food, dress, politics, styles and physical contact immediately changed, so much so, I began a diary.
#12 This is the guy living in my house now. She has been told by the lawyers not to get rid of any items, so she is having him take items to places such as Habitat for Humanity. I am being told she is on MATCH.COM and POF.COM, professing to be a conservative (#9 was head of the Democratic Party in Texas), two children living at home (6 children, one at home).
When I heard about the adult entertainment issues and adult entertainment tape/s, I immediately went for a full blood work up and physical.
So, if you are in Arizona...beware, be very cautious...

Having step kids myself and having had work around deadbeats both male and female. I've taken to calling them DNA donors. Cause I feel the term mother or father refers to a person raising the kid.

Anyone can be a DNA donor, it take something special to be a mother or father.

a reply to: ObjectZero

The sacrifice is great, equalling, these days, half one's working life. Some people think it too great a price to pay, because we have only one - one only - life to live and to die hoping we have completed our purpose here.

a reply to: ParasuvO

By later on I mean when the child is emotionally able to hear the words "you were abandoned by your mom". What do you propose, do you think the child is better off knowing his mum is a selfish "I want to start my life all over again without my flesh and blood in it"?

It occurs to me that I never updated this. That was pretty shady of me.

We did our co-parenting class. We went to court and appeared before the judge, having worked out between ourselves the various agreements required to finalize the divorce.

She agreed to pay $300 / mo support for our son, she did not ask for spousal support. When we appeared before the judge, he very carefully laid out her rights and asked her again if she wanted spousal support. It would have saved her about $100 / mo. She declined.

Since the divorce was final (July 2016), she has paid her support every month, on time. We are still not on any kind of registry, and so she does it without the mechanism of the state's interference or threat. She is in contact with our son at least every other day by phone or text. She spends every weekend with him.

She has done her best to keep the lines of communication open and has been a friend to me as well.

Our son is doing great. He is in an Innovation school here in Colorado (a public school with a different focus, mostly engineering, math, and project-based environmental concerns. Unlike other kids in the public school system, he is challenged to work at the AP level and has three classes where he may earn college credit in his Freshman year. His GPA is better than 4.0.

I'm appending this thread in the spirit of fair play. I do not know what the difference between pre-divorce and post-divorce was, though I suspect there are many factors.

Either way, we were all very lucky, and I feel very blessed that things eventually worked out as well as they did.

a reply to: 0zzymand0s

As a proud mr mum i say welcome to the club