Utter despair, pure regret, painful shame, and a persistant undertone of self loathing.....

originally posted by: boymonkey74
I know what you mean OP.
I shot a robin when I was a kid with my uncles air rifle and while I have killed many other animals since this one haunts me and will till the day I die.

Don't feel bad. You done good.

The robin believed in God, trust me on this one.

Chalk it up to practice, for the Big Day.

# 380

a reply to: TheWhiteKnight

I didn't mention the slug I melted with salt.
I attempted to wash it all off but he died and one day I will come back as that slug....

Hey GoShred:

Maybe we all have something similar in our background.
I'm a woman, so you wouldn't think I had much similar experience, but turns out I do. I had my own BB gun, with a scope, as well. Don't know what my dad was really thinking…not like he was some kind of hunter. During the winter in Missouri, which we lovingly called Misery then, we would put a hugely padded target we built at the end of a 30 yd. hallway downstairs, and shoot willy nilly.

Sigh. Oh well.

No hunting live critters though.
Then cut to years later, (even less excuse) as a young mother in New Orleans……and I was sitting on my front steps one day and it was spring….slug season in the south. Never could stand slimy slugs. So there's this slug on the steps, and I'm drinking vodka, and I thought,"hmmmm, what's vodka do to a slug." I kinda knew, though. Not even kinda.
Guilt, shame, horror at myself, really.

Doused the f@#cker with my vodka and then watched him die what must have been a horrible, disintegrating, slow death. I think about that a lot these days. That was at least twenty years ago. I've probably done worse. But this thing sticks with me like white on rice, hard and fast.

Hunting I can understand. There is a spiritual aspect to it, as long as you're conducting yourself and the rituals around it the right way. What I did was excuse less….totally.

So, I replied and shared my story, as I understand, I think, totally, how you're feeling about this, and to say you're not the only one, and hoping that some young man with similar bent reads this before he disregards life in this way, and suffers all the emotions you've described and I've detailed.

Thanks for sharing.
tetra

originally posted by: GoShredAK
You MoonBlossom, have made my morning. That was very kind and means the world to me. It's not often someone takes the time to express such kindess towards me. I will take this positive feeling/energy you have gifted me and spread it to others throughout the day.

That Poem is great! A novice poet myself, I can very much appreciete. The part about living for yourself (not in a selfish way) resonates with me.

You are very kind yourself GoShredAK, and although you won't know it until you read this, your beautifully tangible energy is aiding me in spreading it to others - gotta love and appreciate this kind of "circle of life" and one could not ask for more. [[Hugs]] I am glad that you liked the poem too, it is indeed a wonderful talent to paint a picture with words.

originally posted by: GoShredAKI learned the hard way, I lost my wife over three years ago, upon looking back and wondering why? I noticed that I put myself and all that I am on the back- burner. Meanwhile I was living, breathing, obsessing over living for her. It got to the point where She was all I thought about, and all this energy I was spending was depleting my own energy and turning me into someone completely different, and weak........I forgot who I was, and basically never looked at a mirror.............

But, give me a year to handle that hardship with no distractions, and slowly but surely I re-evolved into my true self. Within a year I learned positive thinking, helping yourself, maintaining faith, and avoiding bad places, can manifest miracles...........I know because I did all of this, as hard and sad as it was at first, I never gave up.

Guess who came back home!!?? Yes she did

Oh MY - I could feel the heart-wrenching time you must have gone through; but I am so glad that you found yourself again!! Thank you so much for sharing your story on here, because I have a friend in mind who is going through the very same thing, and I do believe he will flourish too, when I share your words with him.

And even better?! She found you again too!! So very happy for your blessing & keep on with the manifesting!

a reply to: agenda51

I don't see what my avatar has to do with your lack of respect for animals. In my opinion, wildlife has as much right to exist as we do. If you don't want animals or birds destroying your hard work, move to Antarctica. Or, get creative and find a way to relocate or dissuade the offensive creature WITHOUT harming it. I don't mean you any insult, but I do hope you will stop and think before you kill needlessly again.

I had a new bb gun and was out shooting cans in the desert... I saw a cute, little yellow Chickadee singing on a branch and as I was in a funk, it's exuberance was annoying... I just wanted to kill something beautiful (to paraphrase Chuck P) and as it lit off, I did a hip shot at a moving target from 50 -60 ft, knowing I wouldn't actually hit it... but, of course, I did.

Looking at that little yellow puff of fluff, laying there, inanimate where a moment before it was flying and singing in a gorgeous, ecstatic universe, was stupefying and more complex, emotionally, than is easily expressed on an internet blurb.

But it went something like, 'life is so very short, and everything is conscious... relatively... why do humans act like they're bigger, more important than anything else? We are so stupid and ugly... I don't want to be ugly. I'll never kill unless I need to...'

I, too, never forgot ... been around 40 years. Some people never get that little epiphany and 'grow.'

eta oh yeah, odd that we both killed Chickadees, was the point of my post though!

And also, I still kill mosquitoes... so did I really learn anything? Did you?

Thanks for the post, I feel where you're coming from wholeheartedly.

If I had more mental energy I would elaborate (kinda rough day).............

Yeah the chickadee thing trips me put. It's almost as if the universe likes to (insert expletive starting with F here) with us...........arrrghn who are we!? Important? Or just think we are?

Mosquitos? I declared war upon them quite some time ago. Northern AK, they have quite a formidable force.

originally posted by: burdman30ott6
a reply to: GoShredAK

On the bright side, you kept that squirrel from nesting in the insulation of your cabin, destructive little bastards. Plus they aren't exactly rare anywhere in the state that has spruce trees.

An entire squadron of squirrels were operating actively within the insulation.

Like any wartime situation, the loss of one scout shouldn't impact the entire operation

No brightsde. It was their land in the first place right?

A functional coexistence would be ideal think.

That's admirable boy monKey. I've melted slugs with salt and feel like such a D!€k.........who the f-

I know the feeling, but don't know when it started. I know I'm guilty of many things. It seems silly sometimes because it's.

I'll give example. A few months ago I was walking on the road when I saw the most gruesome looking spider in my life crossing it. I had the instinct to step on the ********. But I didn't. I left, shaking the memory off.

Defy the chaos in the world. We can somewhat. We can try.

Killing is going to happen, but we can minimize it.

Things will never be perfect. Don't expect it. Just minimize.

I had all notions of good and bad melt one day, and realization that there is no static universal good and evil. This is a universe of relativity.

But anyway

Sometimes it is interesting just to observe the kinds of thoughts and moods that move through you, and observe patterns.
If you consider that the brain and body become conditioned to do things, even thoughts that arise are not so arbitrary.

I have moments when my mind keeps bringing up past events that I regret. I will find myself reflecting upon something I said to someone years ago, that hurt their feelings, or something I did as a child, that turned out to have destructive effects, or things I did that were just plain embarrassing.

I also noticed that these moments come about at times I worry about being too closed minded, or too confident. It is a way I create a state of humility. After a day of having every "bad" thing I ever did high in mind, I am like a dog with his tail between his legs and open to everyones input.

Humility creates receptivity to other. It facilitates relation... communication, exchange.

I think the opening part of your OP may be the real point of your whole posting, the second part just lay down your walls- perhaps you just want to open your ears, reach out an open hand, and feel the existence of others, laying their hands and thoughts against yours.

I feel no judgement against you for this act as a child. I have no big morals against killing animals- in some cases, it is necessary, for the animals, for the environment, for yourself or your family. It is a skill that must be developed, and children develop all skills in play and games, in which the act is not objectively necessary. That's life. Animals know this.

But I smile your way, offer words for your eyes, and wish I could place my hand in yours. Thanks for opening the gates, letting us all in... nice place you got here!

a reply to: GoShredAK

(Badly) over-thinking my post (as I do with everything) I guess that we (sorta) HAVE to kill mosquitoes... they are annoying and ugly, but more importantly, they are little flying hypodermic needles that spread disease and suck on us without permission...

The Chickadees were just chillin and doing their cute little birdy things... so bad germs and other threats to life can be put down... but the life that doesn't threaten should be left alone.

But the food chain vexes me and says some uncomfortable, bad ass things about this universe we are in, doesn't it? Why is existence on this level a struggle where we consume other life? Plants are better off, in that respect... but I do like to move... trade offs...

Heh, sorry, Sunday r&r producing some silly posts today!

Oh man, I still harbor those feelings on a subliminal level, but I have been feeling so much better lately.

I was in a dark place and making $h!+ty decisions. Learned my final lessons I'm pretty sure.

I'm fully back into my daily workout routine and virtually free from all substances. I feel agile mentally and physically.

This is my story though. I stay steady through them ups and downs.

Keep movin forward even when you're feeling bad.

a reply to: GoShredAK



Apart from the daily marijuana, this song generally fits the bill of feeling good. Rastas worship weed though, it is a sacrament...

Yeah, I have also been feeling a lot better too. I have those moments where I need to let loose emotionally, but my living circumstances are hundreds of times more stable these days. Exercise and musical/creative (and fun sexual) outlets are definitely crucial.

And on the weekends, I'll get my collie herb! haha

a reply to: GoShredAK

yeah man. let it all out. we're here for ya good sir.

hope you got a weight offa your chest.

originally posted by: corsair00
a reply to: GoShredAK

Apart from the daily marijuana, this song generally fits the bill of feeling good. Rastas worship weed though, it is a sacrament...

Yeah, I have also been feeling a lot better too. I have those moments where I need to let loose emotionally, but my living circumstances are hundreds of times more stable these days. Exercise and musical/creative (and fun sexual) outlets are definitely crucial.

And on the weekends, I'll get my collie herb! haha

I would like to recommend some bands. The best thing would be to create a "pandora" station with Any of these names;

.SOJA (Soldiers of Jah army)
.Rebelution
.Stick Figure! (these guys are great)
.Tribal seeds
.Tomorrows bad seeds
.+ many of the groups the above will lead you to.

So good for the soul, and so many positive messages it's ridiculous. I am sad these songs get virtually zero mainstream attention....really sad......the $h!t that does get mainstream attention is less than immoral filth. Brainwashing illuminati sheeiit if you ask this dude.

Born in Babylon but raised by Jah! Rastafari!

a reply to: MoonBlossom

Thanks again MoonBlossom

I just re read all of this and you rock, so does everyone else on here who took the time to reply and support.

Love is strong even on ATS.

It's gonna be a good summer everybody.

peace and one love.....

a reply to: GoShredAK

Thanks for the recommendations. I checked out Tribal Seeds, go their first album. I really like it. You put that on good headphones, it is LOUD and heavy bass. I am glad to hear that much of the newer reggae has real bass and drums, because that was always the appeal for me with the original "roots rock" reggae sound out of Kingston, Jamaica in the 1970s. I have a particular bias for the original reggae and what were then the b-side extended remixes, or "dubs", that were used at the sound system dance parties. Basically that is where remix dance culture was born, with the sound engineers recycling an original reggae song to make it last longer for dance parties, by stripping the song of its vocals, just down to the rhythm and adding in various effects like delay, echo and reverb (always under the influence of ganja). It is a very unique sound and style, and still a very well-kept secret in terms of being quite obscure compared to, as you mentioned, mainstream music. It is indeed unfortunate how there is tons of amazing independent music out there, but the stuff that gets all of the attention (and money) is generally-speaking complete and utter crap.

That's awesome! I'm glad you checked them out.

Thanks for the reply, I love dubs, I have found they're great to play along with playing lead with an ukulele or guitar, any instrument I'm sure.

Also.....

It is indeed unfortunate how there is tons of amazing independent music out there, but the stuff that gets all of the attention (and money) is generally-speaking complete and utter crap

Thank you, truer words may never have been spoken......

a reply to: GoShredAK

Every now and then when I am in a weird mood, or feeling non-Christian but religious, I will blast this song:



I take it somewhat seriously, but there is a sort of novelty associated with Rastafarian reggae for me, because I am a lilly-white German LOL hahah