Utter despair, pure regret, painful shame, and a persistant undertone of self loathing.....

Just a few of the emotions I have to battle in my mind from time to time.

As long as I'm doing good (anyone with a real soul should be able to discern what is good and what is bad. If you have to ask? It's probably bad.........). But once I start doing bad the negativity starts flooding in to my peace.

Anyway, I'm only going to share a breif story for now to keep things short sweet, and easy to read for my dear lurker/posters the fun smart people with incredible theories and great stories, as well as fun smart people with their wealth of Scientific knowledge and highly well tuned debunkability........

The critical thinkers, the open minded ones, and all between. I appreciate you all.


Ok.....back to the title...what was that about? You may be wondering at this point.

To put simply, I have always had a very soft side to me. I generally hide it, and have been known to act contrary to my true nature/self in a very scary manner, and this would happen on multitude occasions.

So if you ignore my reckless tendencies, you are left with the actual me, whoever my soul is. I think outside distractions that are plentiful here on this earth are great tools for keeping us out of touch with what many call our "Higher Self"

(this is almost done and I'm getting to the point soon, I promise, trust me)

That bit reminds me of an old American indian quote that my mom loves to use on me,........it goes something like this..........

"every man has two wolves fighting for his heart. The good wolf, and the bad wolf".........the one boy he was lecturing asked, "which wolf wins!?"......after some silence the old cheif responded........"The one you feed"..........

Im sure Many of you are familiar with that, if not I hope you enjoyed! That quote has resonated with me upon my first time hearing it and I very much believe that, that is a close you can get to a simple truth.

So here was one of the first times I felt very strongly those emotions listed a above....

When I was a probably about fourth grade, 9-10 years of age. I lived out in a Little cabin nestled deep in the woods of a little northern town in Alaska. Earlier that day I had two or three friends from school over and we spent most of the day patrolling our property, equipped with some classic "Daisy" BB guns.

Our search came up empty, let alone some awkward low hanging leaves, decrepit stumps and the occasional
Empty beers that could be found strewn about........(out on the back roads and powerline trails of this small town, drinking and driving is pretty much mandatory.) and the notoriously elusive chickadees and nuthatches.....obviously the occasional moose we would stumble across, but they're a given, and would only let out an irritated snarf which basically means "I'm considering stomping you to death boys,,,so keep on a movin.......and don't startle me again"!

Well that was a fun day! Just some good bros amd some harmless target practice. After everyone went home I was still roaming around so I figured I would get even more comfortable with my bb gun. At some point I either ram out of ammo or just decided I was curious to see what other projectiles I could shoot of this baby!

Evetually I found a lollipop stick, all by itself, lollipop had been consumed previously. The thing slid all the way down the barrel with no issue so I gave ot a fire shot.....BLam! Lolly stick goes flying across the room with a surprisingly impressive velocity.

Next step (old stupid me, mind you) I stepped out onto the small back porch, spotted a beautiful little chickadee, just chilling, looking healthy happy and full.....and here's this moronic human about to treat your life like a game....like I'm so superior ot doesn't even matter.........-sigh-


Ugh so ya, lollipop stick loaded, locked, loaded, I took aim, it was a tricky shot (I've got seriously good aim, I just will never hurt an innocent creature again) pulled the trigger and dropped our little bird immediately, the stick did not peirce him, but Ithink the impact was enough for his little body.

After this Did feel a Little bad, and I don't think of killed another bird since, but I was also a bit exhilarated,mO could'nt believe ot worked! And first try!

I talked myself out of feeling bad, I figured I was being a wuss, people kill animals all the time and of it bothers you you must be a pansy, this is life, we're on the top of the food chain,,,,,,blah blah blah suck it up, blah blah.

At this point I got a hint of those feelings mentioned above I the title, however my feelings considering needless killing went into overdrive, and only a few hours later.

It started raining, I was still outside with my "daisy special Small animals demise". I was squirrel hunting, the hunt is fun amd I figured I would get used to the killing just like EVERY freakin person I know. Wrong.......

I spotted one, took a couple shots, may have clipped his leg, but was still able to leap from tree to tree. He stopped more another moment, I took another shot, I may have clipped him again because he almost feel from a very high limp but was able to frantically climb back up and regain his footing.

This is where it gets sad (and almost over, thanks for bearing with me)

The very last move he made was to crawl out onto this one leafless and isolated branch, there was nothing covering him and it had been pouring reign for almost an hour. I made his was to the very end of this sketchy lookin branch amd just sat there.............Now here's where the negative deep, and sad, shameful feelings swept over like a wave....(not a mellow warm fun wave over the sand, a heavy wave from a storm swell live reef)

I gave up shooting the little fella, I couldnt believe how I was ok with it just moments ago.....he we up there on the very end of a skinny weak looking branch getting absolutely soaked by the rain.....

First tried to just go I side fora while. Hoping that once he saw the threat was gone he would bail. No luck, I tried a few time and even over what seemed like hour, when I walked out he had still refused to move.

My god I felt horrible, still do to this day actually. I started through objects like beach balls, peices of bark, sticks, whatever I could find that might work. All he did was twitch around a bid yet stayed in place.

My my memory serves right, I did my best to give him another, when he didn't move I thought maybe I did clip him so he can't. I took my bb gun and unloaded a few on him, he dropped, and I pray his spirit is carrying on strong and loving in happiness.

Utter Despair;
.see below about drinking waaaaaay to much and the associated hangover.
.loosing the one you love even though you yourself were happy to stay together forever
.ever had a real panic attack, or lived with panic disorder?
. Ever gone through a heavy withdrawal?

I think those all apply, plus many many more.

Pure Regret;
.The account in this OP brought this one out.
.anybody ever drank waaaaay to much? Working your way out of the doghouse+Hangover, please God no.
.not paddling out because you let fear and anxiety win!
.procrastinating on returning to MMA gym
.99.% binges lead to it
.a decent portions of my threads as well as posts.
......much more, maybe I will remember.


Painful Shame;
.I think this one can easily start with, once again, drinking waaaaaaaay too much, the associated hangovers, and sometimes worse all!, recollecting all you said and did, how and who to.

Outta letters, almost done, cont........

a reply to: GoShredAK

So basically you're drunk and you feel bad because you shot a squirrel when you were a kid? *scratches head*

Bedtime, perhaps?

Gotta love alcohol .

a reply to: GoShredAK

At least you learned from that experience to be even more loving towards animals. Feeling guilty will not change anything.

originally posted by: DeadSeraph
a reply to: GoShredAK

So basically you're drunk and you feel bad because you shot a squirrel when you were a kid? *scratches head*

Bedtime, perhaps?

I'm still working on the thread.......

But you're close!

I'm not drunk, I've only had two hard apple ciders. Thank god I'm not drunk otherwise this thread may become embarrassing as some of my others.

It is past my bedtime.

Something popped in my head about the strongest we humans can feel, and I wonder how certain people who are facing the most dire or tragic chapters of life can maintain............just random thoughts, sorry if it bothers anybody. There are some deep thoughts in there I hope........

Your post was funny.

And yes! It was about 15 years ago but I still feel bad for that innocent little creature

I already know I'm crazy, but dang, I also must be a serious minority because I can't think of a single person I've ever met who is taken aback when people can blast animals simply for target practice and a laugh.

I'm not PETA or some tree hugging activist, but the lack of empathy I feel is something I can never learn....

originally posted by: hutch622
Gotta love alcohol .

I'm not drunk dudes!

You wanna see my drunken posting, or AUI as I call it, I have at least two or three threads where I was nice and toasty.

I'm as sober as a living bird. (unless you count two %5 hard ciders and a small indulgence of this new green tea we have around here now

a reply to: GoShredAK

I remember watching this Canadian nature show about a little group of people that takes care of injured wildlife and rehabilitates them to release back into the wild. There was one eagle that was badly #ed up and they spent SO MUCH effort trying and trying to help it. They had so many other things that they needed to do on one of the days they attempted to release it back again - it appeared the eagle just wouldn't take, so they were very seriously close to putting it down. They decided to go do a few other things and let the eagle just take its time. It turns out it was fine but needed to get its own bearings and it took flight and soared way up and away after a few hours. They were quite pleased and amazed by that - but had been dangerously close to snuffing the creature!

I enjoyed your story. I can relate to a lot of that. I sometimes wish I could be an alcoholic or some sort of addict. I don't produce that much dopamine, so even when I do drink or smoke herb I don't get too much out of it but disrupted sleep cycles (my one true curse aside from being Casper/Boo Radley the Friendly Ghost). It sounds like having such dramatic personality polarities and pendulum swings can be quite overwhelming. I think many people have the good wolf and the bad wolf and I can see those inner struggles all the time. It can be so dramatic as to come across essentially as a type of 'multiple personality disorder'. My girlfriend has this calm, peaceful, sweet side to her, but she can also do a complete 180 and be a narcissistic, nihilistic drunk floozy who would irritate the Dalai Lama (and literally everybody else she comes across).

Maybe we all have split personalities from various traumas - the world is a confusing place!

I shot a squirrel when i was a kid. I sleep like a baby. whats done is done. let it go and stop taking life so seriously. That squirrel is long gone. if you went back knowing what you know now would you still shoot it....if so maybe you have some soul searching to do. If not you learned from it and can pass it down to your kids someday. stop dwelling on mistakes you made in the past. Its gone.

I have ground moles tearing up my yard right now. I would kill every last one of them if i could catch them and not feel guilty one bit. I doubt I would kill a squirrel these days unless I was going to eat it. I dont like killing things. I like eating them though. squirrel is Yummy!

I know what you mean OP.
I shot a robin when I was a kid with my uncles air rifle and while I have killed many other animals since this one haunts me and will till the day I die.

a reply to: corsair00

i think everyone has their ups and downs. Its part of having emotions and the way you deal with them.

I tell kids a lot when they lose it that this is just life. the stress never goes away. you just get better at managing it as you get older and more experienced. embrace the misery and learn how to deal with it.

i suggest to those feeling down and depressed...get up....do something productive. get some exercise etc. I am a big believer in constructive hobbies. In this day and age it seems like peoples hobbies revolve around not producing anything. there is nothing to show after your work is completed. Nothing to appreciate lie a painting, piece of woodwork etc. etc. Instead we have internet and videogames which deliver instant gratification but there is no process or product for all out efforts. what we end up becoming is a bunch of impulsive maniacs looking for cheap highs that require little to no sacrifice. when these new generations start having kids its going to be a society of self indulgent monsters running around. We get closer with each passing day.

a reply to: GoShredAK

a small indulgence of this new green tea we have around here now

I get you . Wink wink .

a reply to: boymonkey74

LOL... crosman 760 pump. Headshot from about 20 yards. Probably one of my all time best shots with that gun. I couldnt believe i hit it. poor little guy. I gave him a proper burial.

couple years ago i had a bird that would not stop pecking at a window. It went on for months. I finally took him out one day at about 15 feet with a daisy 188 single pump pistol. Head shot. dead instantly. second best shot I think i have had. he did not get buried. cremated on the fire pit. dont feel guilty about that one though. sometimes. i watch The Bird Hitchcock film with a smile on my face.

originally posted by: corsair00
a reply to: GoShredAK

I remember watching this Canadian nature show about a little group of people that takes care of injured wildlife and rehabilitates them to release back into the wild. There was one eagle that was badly #ed up and they spent SO MUCH effort trying and trying to help it. They had so many other things that they needed to do on one of the days they attempted to release it back again - it appeared the eagle just wouldn't take, so they were very seriously close to putting it down. They decided to go do a few other things and let the eagle just take its time. It turns out it was fine but needed to get its own bearings and it took flight and soared way up and away after a few hours. They were quite pleased and amazed by that - but had been dangerously close to snuffing the creature!

I enjoyed your story. I can relate to a lot of that. I sometimes wish I could be an alcoholic or some sort of addict. I don't produce that much dopamine, so even when I do drink or smoke herb I don't get too much out of it but disrupted sleep cycles (my one true curse aside from being Casper/Boo Radley the Friendly Ghost). It sounds like having such dramatic personality polarities and pendulum swings can be quite overwhelming. I think many people have the good wolf and the bad wolf and I can see those inner struggles all the time. It can be so dramatic as to come across essentially as a type of 'multiple personality disorder'. My girlfriend has this calm, peaceful, sweet side to her, but she can also do a complete 180 and be a narcissistic, nihilistic drunk floozy who would irritate the Dalai Lama (and literally everybody else she comes across).

Maybe we all have split personalities from various traumas - the world is a confusing place!

Major star for you!

I really like what you have written and I feel like it applies very well to that jumble of words I put together up there...thanks!

Also I'm tripping out on how you mentioned dopamines and how certain people can perceive things in so many different individual ways all depending on our selves, our thoughts and how our brains are wired.

I know my mind is unique, it's not always fun. I have hypochondriac tendencies, plus a whole freaking Catolog of anxiety related fun, I wired this all myself. No how to de-tangle............

Still though, there has to be a line between good/evil, moral/immoral..........I wonder where the threshold to those two sides of our consciousness is? How do bypass that? Or can you? Did all physcos ever get a choice?

a reply to: agenda51

Your post made me want to retch, taking lives because you are annoyed goes against my grain. I hope you will rethink your position on this planet.

a reply to: boymonkey74

I always find it amusing that if we shoot something pretty we feel bad . BUT if we can eat it

originally posted by: agenda51
I shot a squirrel when i was a kid. I sleep like a baby. whats done is done. let it go and stop taking life so seriously. That squirrel is long gone. if you went back knowing what you know now would you still shoot it....if so maybe you have some soul searching to do. If not you learned from it and can pass it down to your kids someday. stop dwelling on mistakes you made in the past. Its gone.

I have ground moles tearing up my yard right now. I would kill every last one of them if i could catch them and not feel guilty one bit. I doubt I would kill a squirrel these days unless I was going to eat it. I dont like killing things. I like eating them though. squirrel is Yummy!

Good advice there!

Don't get me wrong, I don't dwell on the squirrel. I don't have have some subliminal trauma as a result (I don't think)

That particular story stays in my mind because it was a turning point for the real me. No friends around to show off to, no one told me to do this, no one bothered me at all, so my conclusion to be kind to animals as much as possible came suddenly, and it was profound.

I don't need any help getting over this I value the expierience and I'm very proud the heart that is still beating in this chest many years later. I'm proud because I've stuck to my guns. This empathy I feel is very real, still remains and always grows stronger(the other day I saved a daddy long legs, I once gave a random bee a proper burial, I even had a month long ordeal with a Hawaiian centipede who I eventually DID kill (I'll love you until you physically attack me) she got a proper burial as well, she was a worthy opponent and deserved it. Before then I had never encounterd such strong, terrifying and agile bug.

Just a few of the emotions I have to battle in my mind from time to time.

a reply to: GoShredAK

Thanks for posting and sharing I was quite moved.
You fekkin brute ! Zizzle ..

But seriously
We are brought up to expect retribution for bad acts.
Go out into the woods and make a little shrine to that squirrel
Some nice feathers a few coulored stones-what ever you see fit, make it your own
Then say out loud a few words how sorry and stupid your were ( its ok to laugh at your self )
Then leave and dont go back.

originally posted by: agenda51
I shot a squirrel when i was a kid. I sleep like a baby. whats done is done. let it go and stop taking life so seriously. That squirrel is long gone. if you went back knowing what you know now would you still shoot it....if so maybe you have some soul searching to do. If not you learned from it and can pass it down to your kids someday. stop dwelling on mistakes you made in the past. Its gone.

I have ground moles tearing up my yard right now. I would kill every last one of them if i could catch them and not feel guilty one bit. I doubt I would kill a squirrel these days unless I was going to eat it. I dont like killing things. I like eating them though. squirrel is Yummy!

That was my mistake. Killing it because I was bored. Surprisingly, I have zero qualms with taking animals for food and survival needs. I would just hope that those of us with a touch a kind spirit will feel the importance of thanking the game, and your God with respect.

originally posted by: agenda51
a reply to: boymonkey74

LOL... crosman 760 pump. Headshot from about 20 yards. Probably one of my all time best shots with that gun. I couldnt believe i hit it. poor little guy. I gave him a proper burial.

couple years ago i had a bird that would not stop pecking at a window. It went on for months. I finally took him out one day at about 15 feet with a daisy 188 single pump pistol. Head shot. dead instantly. second best shot I think i have had. he did not get buried. cremated on the fire pit. dont feel guilty about that one though. sometimes. i watch The Bird Hitchcock film with a smile on my face.

The summer before the story I just told, I was standing on the roof of the carport (same cabin house),

I had a squirrell about 12-15 feet away at least.

I was equipped with a nice heavy well rounded rock. About the size of a tennis ball, only more oval in shape.

1st try, right arm, all the power and aim I could muster.........BAM direct hit, the squirrel fell to the ground where it was promptly mangled by our Doberman Pincher.

Yes I felt a little bit lame, but at that time I was mostly full of exhilaration and pride in my ancient warrior ninja style throwing skills......

originally posted by: Borisbanger

Just a few of the emotions I have to battle in my mind from time to time.

a reply to: GoShredAK

Thanks for posting and sharing I was quite moved.
You fekkin brute ! Zizzle ..

But seriously
We are brought up to expect retribution for bad acts.
Go out into the woods and make a little shrine to that squirrel
Some nice feathers a few coulored stones-what ever you see fit, make it your own
Then say out loud a few words how sorry and stupid your were ( its ok to laugh at your self )
Then leave and dont go back.

I'll actually do that. I don't care who laughs, or if anyone thinks I'm a bit loopy because those are the kind of things I do.

I feel Something recognizes those acts, and sometimes, something tries to reassure you.
It gets really exciting when Synchronicity starts sprinkling down from the universe and into our lives.