Ok, Now I'm Ranting!

Sorry folks, I don't think I have ever posted in the Rant Forum again and I hope never to in the future, but for now....

What the hell does my kids school thin they are doing!

My daughter...fiesty little thing, nearly eight (as she constantly reminds me), has not had it so good lately at school, in fact things have been sticky for about 3 years.

Most of this stems from friendship (I use the term loosely) issues, but that's not why I am ranting, I accept kids can be a challenge, my issue resides with the following...

Last term my daughter was bullied by a boy in her class, to be fair this boy has learning difficulties and his home life has been less than plain sailing, knowing this I cut the kid a lot of slack before becoming "MumZilla" the final straw being when he told my daughter she was disgusting and that anything she touched was disgusting too, she defended herself with verbal logic, which led to him them kicking her repeatedly under the table (I mean her legs, there is no way this kid took take my little beefcake down).

The school responded quickly, his mother was informed (I like his mum and we get on) and the child in question was given a good talking to with ample support.

There was another boy in her topic group who equally began to give her a hard time, but just teasing stuff, I requested she have a new talk partner, but was denied as there was only a coupl of weeks left til the end of term.

This is not my problem, my problem stems from what has transpired today on the first day back at school.

I pick up my daughter and she bgins to tell about her new topic table, everyone in her group is absolutely fine except the child I requested to no longer be her talk partner has moved topic group with her and is still in a position to make her feel uncomfortable.

But that's not all...

The boy who bullied her is now her talk partner!

Granted, this boy seems ok now, but I would have thought a little bit of distance between her and the people exploiting her sensitivity/vulnerability would have been prudent, even if it was for a term, it is one class per year group, so I know they are hothoused together for 7 years, but it doesn't mean we can't create a bit of breathing space.

As a result of this and a lengthly list of other things that have turned me hulk, I am sadly having to take the decision to move my daughter to another school, which is a shame as her borther went there quite happily for his entire primary life, I feel sad having to drag her away from her friends and the opportunity of the same environment as her brother, but the time has come for a fresh start, I just hope it gives allows her swim rather than sink.

Thanks for reading.

I have to respectfully disagree with with your decision to move her.

Kids sometimes need a chance or two.

After dealing with large groups of kids for many years.

I have learned to not get involved and let the kids work it out...They will.

Unless, there was ongoing inappropriate touching. Then you have to act.

a reply to: solargeddon

Doesn't sound like the school is listening to you. Have you considered homeschool? We did it. I was nervous at first but then, once we got started, I was VERY glad we did. We homeschooled through fifth grade and then transitioned into Catholic school beautifully. Not everyone can do it, but it's something to consider if you can.

a reply to: solargeddon

I also disagree...you are coming at this as a loving parent so I get that part.

Instead of segregating people from your daughter or vice versa....its better to correct the problem to avoid social entitlement issues in the future.
It might be expected that everyone she has a problem with in the future must go away or be taken out of her sight.

Ever see 2 people who hate each other have to work towards a common goal...most times they eventually gain some form of respect for each other.

Your rant though so have at it.

What does she think of being paired with her (former) tormentor?

Does she want to "move" to a different school?

Part of developing an identity is learning to deal with these kinds of problems. If you move her you sort of act on her behalf and deny her that opportunity. Let her decide what she wants to do. As long as the bullies have stopped and all.

She'll thank you…

I totally understand your rant. I was a school guidance counselor for many years, and saw first-hand the effects of bullying. First let me say, bullying has and will exist as long as there are humans. So, moving your daughter is no guarantee that she will not face bullying at her new school. That said, it IS the school's responsibility to address verbal abuse (which is exactly what bullying is... abuse, of the verbal kind.)

I would suggest that you use that terminology if the teacher is down-playing the bullying. And, as with any kind of abuse, as a guidance counselor I was trained to tell children/parents to tell someone in authority. (You did... you told the teacher.) And if that is not effective, tell someone else (like the principal.) If that is not effective, keep on going up that ladder.

Our school board instituted an anti-bullying campaign to educate about bullying and teach all students that bullying is never the victim's fault, and would no longer be tolerated. Besides teaching how to report it, we gave them some 'ammunition' to respond, and short-circuit the cycle-- because it is a well known fact that a bully will move on if they do not get the response they desire.

I don't know if she can use any of these responses but here are a few off the top of my head:

"I'm sorry you feel so bad about yourself that you think trying to make ME feel bad will help... but you know it won't, or you wouldn't have to keep trying so hard."

"What you are doing is called bullying. Everyone knows that people only bully others because they are being bullied by someone else. Who bullies you? You should get help for that and break the cycle."

"What? ...What? ...I'm sorry, I don't understand the language of bullying. You'll have to speak English."

"No. Just No. This ends NOW." (Best with direct eye contact.)

"OK. Whatever."

"You're trying to upset me, aren't you? What's up with that?"

[BIG loud yawn]

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA... you are so far out in left field I don't even know where to start."

[Cold Hard Stare] - "You don't even believe that-- you're just trying to upset me. I feel sorry for you. You must be miserable."

"I'm a mirror. You just said that to yourself. Try to be nicer to yourself, would ya? It's painful to watch."


There are lots of online resources, YouTube vids, etc. The best thing (in my experience) you can do for your daughter is empower her with knowledge and role-playing experience. Make a game of practicing some defusing responses that she is comfortable with. You play the 'bully' and use some common statements that she has heard. Repetition of hearing them in a game format will take some of the power out of the hateful words. Practicing responses will give her confidence and courage. Bullies are weak-minded and do not keep bullying when the victim gains confidence over them.

Good luck, and tell your daughter I believe in her. She is not alone, this is not her fault... still, I believe she can join the ranks of those who overcame bullying. Knowledge is Power.

My granddaughter was getting bugged by a boy at school who was keeping her assignment away from her. Typical eighth grade boy's way of showing that he kind of liked her. So she gets pissed and hits him on the side of his jaw with the palm of her hand and he drops the paper and gets a little dizzy. She got sent to the office. The vice principal, the football coach too, high fives her. He tells her she shouldn't hit so hard when someone is doing that though.

Hitting with the palm delivers more force than the fist. You should only do that if you want to take someone down.

My granddaughter was a little confused about that. I thought it was a good call by the guy, who had heard the whole story of what was happening. Maybe the boy will learn how to talk to girls better. That system of picking up a girl hardly ever works.

Here is a short video that might help your daughter understand the mind of the bully:

Hi guys, sorry I've posted and ran, been busy dealing with another little problem, funnily enough me dishing out the advice to others lol.

Thank you so much for all your responses, they are all greatly appreciated.

I understand where you guys who think I shouldn't move her are coming from, whilst I agree there will always be these issues and they may re-occur in another school, after such a protacted length of time trying a wait and see policy, I do think it is best for her to have a fresh start.

Some of these kids may well end up at her secondary school down the line and so moving her doesn't resolve anything, but it would give her a fresh start, a day zero, a chance to perhaps improve upon her current experiences, that said it might not, it may be more of the same, but I guess we don't know if we don't try.

The child who bullied her, was dealt with adequately, he made her a lovely sorry card and I think he now knows the impact of his actions (I can't be 100% certain, it's only the first day back).

There never was a problem with this child until my duaghter had to work with him and as I said in a school where for 7 years that class of 30 is your life, it is very hard under the best of conditions (my son never had a problem though).

I have to do what is I believe is best and in this instance I think a fresh start is best, peer group issues aren't the only concerns I have had with this school, as there have been issues over other things that have left me questioning is this the best environemnt for her?

After having spoke to the deputy head today, it does seem as though she may be light years ahead of the rest of her class in relation to maturity, I did go out of my way to ask her..."Is it my duaghter that's the problem?" to her knowledge she didn't think it was.

My duaghter is very unhappy about being put with these children, not because they might hurt her, just that she won't have piece of mind...feel secure, it's going to take time to re-build trust, so before she leaves there is opportunity for that to happen, yet I still feel a change is inevitable and necessary.

I'm not angry with the boy who bullied her, but I am angry with the boy who didn't, mainly because it was so unecessary, being cruel for crueltys sake and yes I know they can't help it, it's their age, still I'm only human.

All you ever want is for you kids to be happy and safe, I have turned a blind eye and excused too much to continue the suck it and see approach, plus the school I wish to get her into is less than 5 minutes from our house...currently we have to walk for 30 minutes one way, an hour a day total school run time.

a reply to: new_here

Good luck, and tell your daughter I believe in her. She is not alone, this is not her fault... still, I believe she can join the ranks of those who overcame bullying. Knowledge is Power.


This is the biggest thing I am working on at the moment...it isn't her fault, not at all, and I have told her, I am not moving her to punish her, or to take her away from her friends, I am doing it, becuase I truly believe she will get something out of it.

I have also tried to give her insight into the child who was spoken to about his behaviour, I have said it is their problem not hers, they have self-esteem issues, not her.

I also understand how it has happend, I would say it could have been anyone in the class, but I'm not convinced it would be, my duaghter sticks out like a sore thumb, she towers above her best friend and is the the tallest biggest in her class, I'm not saying it made her a target, but I can't discount the idea totally either, equally she comes from a broken home, I am no longer with her father,, but this happend many years ago, perhaps this has left her vulnerable, perhaps she is just too honest with her feelings, but then that isn't her problem, because she isn't to blame.

She has dealt with a lot and come through with flying colours, but there is only so many times you can get up and brush yourself off before labeling theory kicks in, she is a strong girl, but she shouldn't have to feel tested to her limits constantly.

originally posted by: intrptr
What does she think of being paired with her (former) tormentor?

Does she want to "move" to a different school?

Part of developing an identity is learning to deal with these kinds of problems. If you move her you sort of act on her behalf and deny her that opportunity. Let her decide what she wants to do. As long as the bullies have stopped and all.

She'll thank you…

She would rather not feel insecure, I think she needs some psychological distance from the situation that came before, rather than being thrusted back into the other childs face, this only happened a few weeks ago, now isn't the time to test the waters, now is the time for both her and the child to heal...school aren't giving either of them that opportunity.

As I have said the other child has other issuses and can become disruptive in class, partnering him with her leaves her exposed to being the first person he is going to use to allieviate his boredom, I have seen the problems first hand when I went in to help...it's not just my daughter who needs space, this kid needs time to heal too.

The other kid is just acting like a bratty 7 year old and has none of my understanding, yet what he said really hurt and given that he was on her topic tble last term and was her talk partner at the end of last year, again a little bit of distance would good to aid the healing, as yet again this all very fresh.

a reply to: rickymouse

Nice, I have where there have been girl issues tried to say stand up for yourself, but she won't do it...why???

"Because I'll get told off Mummy!"

Bit of background, my duaghter is a fiesty little monster at times, as a baby to pre-schooler, she was hell on earth all fire, and anger, she then went to nursery and school, it was like she flipped a switch...good as gold at school, isn't mean or hurtful (to mine and the schools knowledge), yet at home, even to this day, can be violent and aggressive, she can beat up her almost 12 year old brother no problem, she has no problem shouting at me, or even lashing out at me at times, but won't dream of doing it to others.

I guess it's the old you can play your mum up as much as you want, but others won't believe a word of it. At least it's the right way round though, I always think if your kid goes to school and behaves well, you must be getting something right.

a reply to: new_here

"What? ...What? ...I'm sorry, I don't understand the language of bullying. You'll have to speak English."


The response my daughter gave when being told she was the disgusting and anything she touches she turns disgusting, therefore the kid said he couldn't touch anything she had touched, was actually fantastic, I can't remember what she said now, but at the time I thought to myself wow, she isn't just sitting back and taking it, she verbally can pack a punch, without offending, cursing, or being derogatory to the other person, I wish I could remember what she said, because the next thing he did was start kicking her legs under the table....he couldn't compete with such an intelligent logical response, so he got violent.

The worse thing however, is one of the first instances that occurred my dughter was trying to do her work, yet he was disturbing her saying untrue things about her, she stood her ground, told him and the girl he managed to co-erce into his basless tall story to be quite and get on with their work.

Sadly the teacher told my daughter off for talking, despite these two kids being the reason she opened her mouth in the first place, she put her hand up to explain why she had spoke and was greeted by, put your hand down, you can't say it's anyone elses fault and wouldn't even heear her side of it, I had to speak to the deputy head and this was the first instance I flagged right at the get go, way before the last incident last when I said enough is enough ....you can see where I may be reluctant to follow their lead in the best way forward from last terms scenario.

a reply to: DrumsRfun

Ever see 2 people who hate each other have to work towards a common goal...most times they eventually gain some form of respect for each other.

Funnily enough I have this very issue at the moment, have just started a new job and this woman hates me, I have no idea why, I think it's because I've come in, know the job and have been motivating the staff out of their chatty hideaways.

I never meant to, I didn't want to, but because there is an expectation on me to do this (I have returned to my old job, yet was in a higher position before I left) I am expected to return to my higher role in time, thus the expectation.

That said, even prior to that I think she didn't like me, one of those the second she laid eyes on me jobs, I think I had only said hello.

Your right sometimes it does garner a begrudging mutal respect, but I have also been subject to where it doesn't...I got moved off of my department because of this one woman who took issue with me, she eventually was sacked for stealing from the company but still, people just don't need to be this way.

As New Here said, we act as a mirror for these individuals, they don't like what they see missing in themselves, so try to bring the other person down.

Thanks for letting me rant, I feel so much better than I did a few hours ago.

a reply to: FlyersFan

Homeschool isn't a big thing here in the UK, I don't think, but I want her to have the experience of school, I think it's important, it isn't an entirely negative experience, I just want to give her a little renewed spark.

The school I want to send her to is Catholic, she is at a CE at the moment, we don't actually have a faith, but I like the exposure to religious ideas, so they can be who they want to be and hopefully informed athiests if I have my way.

Way things are going, I think my kids will be Christian one day, I know I shouldn't but it makes me chuckle when my eldest is sat on his book reading the bible stories book he was given when he left last year.

Just imagine the lively Sunday dinner debates in years to come!

I understand that you'd like to take your daughter away from a couple of kids who might be problematic for her, but one of them has already been made aware of how bad his behaviour was and he seems to have taken that on board, maybe even to the extent that he would defend her against another kid.

I think having them in a situation where they are encouraged to talk and work together would be a better way to resolve their issues than taking her away, especially if they end up at the same secondary school later on. Better if they can learn to tolerate each other now than have that hanging over your daughter's head for the next few years.

Also, as well as taking her away from these two boys you will be removing her from her friends and new friends can be hard to make when you're the new kid in school.

My education was disrupted when I was thirteen and I was at four different schools during the course of a calendar year. I remember the Summer holidays before I was due to go to the final new school and how much it preyed on my mind because it was going to be so different.

I note, too, that you say your daughter's height may be a contributing factor to the problems she's having. Well, she'll still be tall at a new school and that might be intimidating or challenging for kids who don't know her and she'll find herself on her own with no familiar faces around. That together with being a non-Catholic in a Catholic school might be more of a challenge than her current situation.

On a lighter note - I've had friends who went to Catholic schools. The stories they tell of the way they were treated by the nuns would make your hair curl, definitely made me feel better about my school years.