Staying with a cheater = lack of self respect?

I'm not looking to write out some long, dripping with emotion thread. I've been cheated on very bad once before, I've shared my story on ATS and received some great advice from many within the community here and I will always be appreciative of the thoughtful/honest responses I received.

I got into a discussion last night with a group of people and the topic has stuck with me. The topic we were discussing was cheating and what the appropriate actions to take when you are in fact cheated on. Everyone had their own take, most peoples views were pretty much in line with one another, but soon enough one of my friends stated "If you stay with your partner after they cheated on you then you are telling the world you don't respect yourself"... I've been thinking about that line on and off since I heard it and I don't know if that's necessarily true. I understand that cheating is a very selfish action one can take. It is also worse when the person compounds the dirty deed with multiple lies trying to cover it up, but ultimately, in life, the truth typically comes out. Can't two adults sit down discuss the cheating, the who, why, what, where, etc. of the situation to work past it or is the damage always done and once cheating happens the two parties should split? If a person does decide to stay with their cheating significant other I can see how others would think that you have a lack of respect for yourself, but maybe it was a one time mistake... I also understand that there's likely an opportunity to find another person out there who will be as crazy about you as you are with them and they won't cheat on you...

Ultimately, I wanted to get other ATS members take on this topic. If you stay with your significant other after they cheat on you does that mean you don't respect yourself?

Most of the time, I have to say yes.
I do believe, there are RARE cases, when someone cheats, that it can be a one time thing. But that couple has to have some type of counseling, that both will completely commit to. Because there will be a trust issue as well.

But I do think the self respect/esteem issue has merit. You need to believe you deserve better, to not tolerate it, by either leaving, or demanding the counseling for the both of you.

a reply to: jhn7537

Hi. I have never been cheated on and am married for 25 years, all I can say is that it all depends on the cheater and teh way they have cheated.
There are so many variables that should be taken into consideration. For example if it happens at the start of a relationship it is a different ball game than if it happened after years of trust.

Also the age plays a role. If we are talking teens or early twenties, those people are nuts and can very well mature later on into decent people. If a grown adult does it, it is again quite different.

Was the cheating a one night stand or an affair? Again slight difference.

I believe that some cheats deserve a second chance...but only ONE. Because if the cheater thinks that their partner is a wet blanket and they can get away with it only to be forgiven again and again, they will cheat again, why shouldn't they without any consequences?

ONE chance and after that it is 'good bye' forever, even if it hurts. Rather a bit of heartache for a few weeks than a lifetime of mistrust and misery.

You would be a really dumb mug if you give them more than one chance and you'd deserve every bit of misery you inflict on yourself by staying and believing a compulsive and charming liar. [Not saying it to you personally but in general ]

Does that help?

If you've been cheated on, it's a very simple matter: if it happened once, it can happen again. The same goes for lying.

You have to consider the difficulty of attempting to live happily with someone you don't trust. It's not a lack of self respect, it's a desire to make something work when it most likely won't. That's not lacking self respect, that's lacking common sense. Bless your broken heart though for trying if you do.

I think a true lack of self respect would be knowing exactly what the wrong thing to do is, and then doing it because you care little for what happens to you. In a cheating situation, it's especially hard to differentiate between the right and the wrong thing to do. You should never regret trying to be happy, but you also shouldn't try to open a door that's been shut on you. There are other doors to open.

originally posted by: chiefsmom
Most of the time, I have to say yes.
I do believe, there are RARE cases, when someone cheats, that it can be a one time thing. But that couple has to have some type of counseling, that both will completely commit to. Because there will be a trust issue as well.

But I do think the self respect/esteem issue has merit. You need to believe you deserve better, to not tolerate it, by either leaving, or demanding the counseling for the both of you.

Yea, I get what you're saying. Also, I understand that peoples situations are not always apples to apples comparisons. There are always different variables from one cheating situation to the next, I guess the only thing that's common across the board is the act of cheating itself...

I think we are forgiving people (for the most part), and we forgive others in so many other aspects of our life, but cheating seems to be one that is usually a deal breaker for most couples... If you are a forgiving person, and you believe in your cheating spouse that they have changed and won't do this again, is it fair to give them a second chance? I guess it comes down to trust. When you are cheated on trust is broken. Its the cheating spouses duty to earn that trust back. I suppose HOW HARD someone works at it can make all the difference to whether a relationship can be healed or not.

a reply to: Hecate666

Hi. I have never been cheated on and am married for 25 years,

That you know of.
I thought that too after 22 years of marriage but when I found out about one I started snooping and found there had been dozens perhaps hundreds of others. We had a very warm, loving, sexual marriage nothing lacking, two great kids. One of the women I found was "engaged" to my husband. She was 8 years older then our daughter. Another knew about me but she said he was fun so what?
I was so in the dark it can happen to anyone, I did leave but I know someone who did not, their relationship is one of comfort I guess she would leave if it would not drastically change their financial situation i think.

Personally I feel once trust is broken you won't have the same relationship even if you stay.

"If you stay with your partner after they cheated on you then you are telling the world you don't respect yourself"...
IMHO, what " the world" thinks of you, or your relationship doesn't matter. That includes family and friends. A relationship is between two people, and it is the decision of those two people how it will either go forward or end as a result. To try to continue a relationship after you have been cheated on, shows a high respect for your relationship with that other person. It means you put the status of "WE", "US", before yourself. To me that indicates a higher level of commitment which makes you the better person. It is the " cheater" who is showing the world they don't respect themselves, or their partner or their relationship.

" Can't two adults sit down discuss the cheating, the who, why, what, where, etc. of the situation to work past it or is the damage always done and once cheating happens the two parties should split?"
YES they can. Cheating doesn't just happen out of the blue. There are reasons within the relationship that lead up to it. Both partners if the relationship is to work, need to discuss those reasons.Sometimes they are fixable, sometimes not.

a reply to: Hecate666

Thanks for the response and I like the way you worded your examples. I have to agree with the age thing and the time in the relationship it happened. When I was cheated on it happened 7 years in (that i know of) and it wasn't a one night stand but she decided to turn flirting with a contractor she met at work into a legitimate affair... Was a very hard thing to get over, to be frank, I still haven't fully gotten over it since the cheating is still relatively fresh (past year)...

Initially, I tried to give her a second chance. But I couldn't get past the idea of another man being with her. I honestly would have felt better if she was drunk at a bar and had a one night stand, but to know she did this all with a clear mind, sober, with the actions being premeditated it felt that much worse...

Cheating really is a bitch (pardon my french ATS), when you suspect, you want to find out, but do you? It's a lose lose situation once you get to that place of suspecting...

I have lived through cheating ... And it takes time ... Sometimes a very long time for the heart to heal. I try to explain to myself and others ... It's like having a bruise on your arm and it starts to heal then you bump it again and you realize it still hurts like hell ... Only problem is you cannot see a bruise on the heart and that kind of hurt runs very deep ... Every holiday ... Birthday ... Family event .. Is a little bump to that bruise on the heart that slows the healing process ... But needs to be done to move forward

Maybe you should reconsider the entire concept of 'cheating'.

Do you own this other person, your spouse? Do you have their best interests at heart, or do you think they have to stay in one relationship, forever and ever, and never talk to another person, never like another person, never love another person? Or at least never love another person in 'that way?'

Go read some polyamory literature and see that there is indeed another way of looking at relationships, and it's actually rather rare that one person fulfills all your needs for both sexual and romantic love, as well as intellectual engagement, etc. Don't let societal expectations (to me the whole notion of 'cheating' is immature expectations writ large, it's just ugly jealousy made acceptable) determine who you interact with and who you shun. Why would/should your ego be bound up in what someone else needs for their fulfillment?

Yeah, it would be nifty if people could just talk about these things without the emotional overlay, 'honey, I've met this other person and I really enjoy their company and I want to see them once in a while; this is no reflection on you, just something I feel I need to do for myself'... followed by 'I understand completely, I love you, I want you to be happy, fulfilled, and explore this giant planet with billions of people on it without putting a fence around you or laying a guilt trip on you...'

Instead we have the kneejerk response, 'throw the bum out, what a slut, have some self respect man and kick her ass to the door, etc'...

You don't do that with someone you love, or have ever loved. You do that with property.

And think about this: what if you never find another person who you like/love even half as much as this person you're vacillating about leaving or staying with? You could easily spend the rest of your life angry and burnt feeling, repelling anyone else from getting involved with you.

Or you could say to yourself, 'self, this other person is free to do what they feel they need to for their own spiritual, personal and intellectual advancement AND SO AM I.' Then work out your relationships with everyone to allow for that.

In short, people who feel like they 'own' another person aren't terribly lovable. They kill love, actually.

a reply to: signalfire

So instead of owning someone, you'd rather just have them as a rental?

originally posted by: signalfire
Maybe you should reconsider the entire concept of 'cheating'.

Do you own this other person, your spouse? Do you have their best interests at heart, or do you think they have to stay in one relationship, forever and ever, and never talk to another person, never like another person, never love another person? Or at least never love another person in 'that way?'

Well, I never felt like I owned any significant other, and I hope they never felt that way about me. I always had their best interest at heart and I always put them, before myself (which looking back now I feel I need to put myself first now). If you are an adult and wanting to be in a committed relationship, then yes, you should never engage in the things you wrote about. I'm not saying "don't speak to another man ever", but if you are doing something that you feel you need to keep from your partner then you shouldn't be in a relationship and are likely doing something wrong (there are varying degrees of cheating, it doesn't always need to be sex).. If you have to keep secrets or want to keep flirting it up and want all the attention in the world then it's apparent you aren't ready for a 1 on 1 committed relationship... I will never feel like I "own" anyone, like you put it, but there's usually a basic understanding of do's and don'ts in relationships that you would think wouldn't need to ever be discussed.. like cheating on one another...

Appreciate the response.

It's your mirror.

You are the one that has to look into it.

Who gives a damn what anyone thinks.

I just might add. If somebody cheats on you for any reason.

They are definitely not your soulmate....If that matters to you.

a reply to: jhn7537

If you stay with your significant other after they cheat on you does that mean you don't respect yourself?

Depends on the cheat. Did they admit it or get found out? Was it just once or a fling of flings? Did they apologize or make excuses?

If they got found out and resist coming clean yah, dump time. This person has no respect for anyone but themselves.

On the other hand, everyone should forgive if someone makes a mistake, comes clean and shows remorse.

originally posted by: intrptr
a reply to: jhn7537

If you stay with your significant other after they cheat on you does that mean you don't respect yourself?

Depends on the cheat. Did they admit it or get found out? Was it just once or a fling of flings? Did they apologize or make excuses?

If they got found out and resist coming clean yah, dump time. This person has no respect for anyone but themselves.

On the other hand, everyone should forgive if someone makes a mistake, comes clean and shows remorse.

I like your take on finding out vs coming clean... Interesting for sure and honestly, very true... I wonder how often people come clean though...

originally posted by: jhn7537
If you stay with your significant other after they cheat on you does that mean you don't respect yourself?

It absolutely depends. On the couple, their other issues, the strength of their marriage, the willingness to forgive, the remorse shown by the cheater, their ability to rebuild trust, their communication, and your own self-esteem.

Cheating is a mistake. People make mistakes. So many people think it's the one mistake they would not permit and that's OK. But I absolutely believe a marriage can survive it.

I do agree with chiefsmom that counseling is probably the best way to deal with the lost trust and respect. But if you've been cheated on and come through it without counseling, I wouldn't worry about what people say. Only you know if you respect yourself and can rebuild the trust.

a reply to: jhn7537

I wonder how often people come clean though…

Dunno, if they do come forward on their own though and confess then thats different from being found out and excusing it away or worse, blaming the victim. "If you loved me more/better I wouldn't have to seek satisfaction elsewhere."

Peeee You…

Times are achangin'. Whats true love, commitment, relationships or "vows" anymore? As a society we are more amoral than ever, about_ a_great_many_things.

Really depends on the situation does it not and what you want to experience.

I like souls who have self control in situations so I would be very hard to convince to stay since I am after a certain experience and cheaters cannot fill any part in that experience.

But then if i had kids and it was a mistake and she did not seek the cheating then maybe. It all depends on life situation and how many others the breakup effect.

originally posted by: Benevolent Heretic

originally posted by: jhn7537
If you stay with your significant other after they cheat on you does that mean you don't respect yourself?

It absolutely depends. On the couple, their other issues, the strength of their marriage, the willingness to forgive, the remorse shown by the cheater, their ability to rebuild trust, their communication, and your own self-esteem.

Cheating is a mistake. People make mistakes. So many people think it's the one mistake they would not permit and that's OK. But I absolutely believe a marriage can survive it.

I do agree with chiefsmom that counseling is probably the best way to deal with the lost trust and respect. But if you've been cheated on and come through it without counseling, I wouldn't worry about what people say. Only you know if you respect yourself and can rebuild the trust.

Yea, that's kind of how I felt when I initially heard my friend say the comment that led to me making this thread. I didn't think all situations were identical, but I couldn't really argue against him either, because there is a respect factor with staying with a cheater...

originally posted by: jheated5
a reply to: signalfire

So instead of owning someone, you'd rather just have them as a rental?

No, you realize that except for an act of fate (meeting them one day) you'd never have known them at all. And that you don't 'own' someone's complete and undivided attention, whether romantic or otherwise.

All this debate about 'being cheated on' isn't the real problem. It's about how you can be the best companion possible for ANYone who comes along in your life, for whatever amount of time they feel free to give you that companionship. No staking claims on them OR ELSE...