Scared

It's taken me a long time to post this, but I'm scared and I really need opinions/help.

I believe I'm being emotionally and verbally abused by my family, specifically my mother. Not only am I scared for myself, but for my younger siblings and dogs as well.

I'm not sure if I should be detailing some of the things that have been said to me (regardings T&Cs), but here's what's been going on:

• 1 My mom has threatened us with bodily harm as long as I can remember, although it wasn't that bad when she was still married to my biological dad.
  
• 2 She has threatened to kick me out of the house on several occasions. Sometimes for small things (miss a chore) or large things (not having work when I spend almost all the day looking for it)
  
• 3 I have witnessed her strike our family dogs and yell at them (they are supposed to remain on their beds)
  
• 4 She also opens my mail...like for my medical bills which I am unable to pay, and criticises about them.
  

There's more, but as I said, T&Cs.

I want to seek help, but I run the risk of being found out...which would make my situation worse.

please i'm at my wits' ends...maybe if I didn't have Asperger's or mental illness that she'd be nicer to me

record her opening your mail.

That is a federal offence, Blackmail or report to authorities.

It may not be a popular or smart choice but it could work, I have no sympathy for abusive people.

Hi there Toastman!

I'm sorry that you are in such a situation :-(
I understand your worries - but you really need to stay strong.

How old are you?
And you say you have asperger's, which you may think could have something to do with your mother being abusive - What about your younger siblings? Are she more after you than your bothers/sisters?

If you go on a school, I would strongly recommend to tell your teacher... If not for your safety, then for your younger siblings..

Stay strong, and just remember that many are in a similar situation. What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.

reply to post by TheToastmanCometh


Dear Toastman - good for you for reaching out.

1) keep a journal or log, note the occasions and dates
2) Reach out to a teacher. Or your family doctor. Or to another adult that you trust. Maybe an uncle or aunt - one you know will keep your confidence.
3) Expect the unexpected, plan for it but don't act on it unless absolutly necessary. For instance it would be a good idea to know where a safe place to go is if necessary so that you can be in a safe place if that time ever comes.
4) If it becomes dangerous you have the right to call 911.

If you have Asperger's it does NOT make you at fault or deserve any abuse. No one deserves any abuse. And it is your Mom's responsibility as an adult to find ways to control her anger and behavior.

No matter what remember you are worth of love and respect and that you will get through this. It may be hard at times but hold your head up.

As part of your Asperger's do you have a counsellor of some sort that you see regularly? Could you ask to see one? You would most likely qualify for coverage (?) and you could discuss your concerns with your counsellor who has contacts that could help you/your family. And anything said in confidence with a counsellor is not allowed to be discussed with your Mom unless you give the okay.

Are you kids helping your Mom? Maybe she feels overwhelmed with things? The only reason I mention this is because sometimes kids don't realize the pressures parents are under and if they aren't helping it just adds to the stress. I'm not talking about keeping everything perfect at home, but just stuff like pitching in when you guys see there are things to be done without being asked. I'm not saying this is the case but just bringing it up as a possibility.

I wish you all the best. I will be watching this post and I am sending you positive thoughts and well wishes.

Record it, write it down, talk to a counselor. My mother was also abusive to the point she used to physically attack me. When I grew up it changed into other abuse. I severed all ties. I have no patience or sympathy for abusive people. They need to take that transference psychology somewhere else and get mental help.

When you do get a job and get independent I would talk to her about getting help after you have proof. Once that happens you can force her to get help or have her committed. Again I have zero tolerance for abuse and I will confront someone in public if I see it. That person needs to get mental help and stop causing trauma to others.

reply to post by ypperst


I have Asperger's and anxiety issues, my brother has ADHD. He can be really obnoxious at times. My little sister just wants attention.

I'm not in school currently, but I do volunteer at a tv station in the same building as the police. I don't really want to get them involved, but apparently my family is well known as there have been disputes earlier that they came to involving neighbors.

reply to post by ccseagull


I try to help with chores around the house, but they're not good enough for her or my stepdad. One day I swept and vacuumed the floors. Confident that they were clean, i put the vacuum away.

The next morning, my stepdad says to me if I cleaned the floors like I did, I say yes, then he tells me that he vacuumed up 3 containers full of doghair...and I made sure that I got every bit when I did it.

THey call me lazy and stupid whenever I forget something...my memory tends to lapse badly on me

I also try to get the younger siblings to help, but they screw off until they get the wrath.

to those who ask, i'm 23...it sucks

At least she has only threatened you so far. I am sure she is frustrated, worrying about someone with Aspergers can't be easy on the mind. The only one she seems to physically be taking it out on is the dog is what I read. Poor dog, but better the dog than you kids.

It seems she may need a little time on her own to unwind. It is hard to do though. Her desire to see you succeed in the world is a little crushed by your problem. It is nobodies fault, it is just the way it is. I would talk to her about this before reporting it.

I do not know all of what is going on in your relationship with your mother. Try to open some kind of communication with her and thank her for looking after you and your siblings. I do not know your age, but it really doesn't matter. There seems to be a lot of stress in your mothers life and she is having problems dealing with it. She is also dealing with it wrong. There is noone at fault here, neither you guys or your mother. My mother did have times like this occasionally when things went wrong when I was a kid. Once things leveled off she mellowed out. Don't tell her that you asked anyone for help online, that would not be good. You have to look at the situation with an open mind, look at it from her point of view.

Some people are abusive but I feel from the OP that the situation is what is causing this and that she can be a good person. Ask her if she wants to play some cards someday. It helps people bond.

This is your life, I can only try to open your mind to possibilities of what is wrong in the household. Maybe she even feels guilty because you kids are not her husbands kids. Be strong and also keep your mind open to try to see what is going on.

Take care Toastman, we want you to belong to ATS for many years. I do not know your situation so I can't say more. This is something you guys have to work out. Try to help to make her life less stressful, help with the chores without being told. Get your siblings in on this and life for everyone will be easier I hope. As for your being 23, you will always be her kid no matter how old you are.

You are an adult in your mother's house, seems like you should take some responsibility for your life. If you have no other options of supporting yourself, then you might try to show your mom some support anyway you can. It is up to you to manage the situation you're in.

You are 23 years old... You need to find a money paying job, even if it's only part-time for now.

Asperger's is not an excuse, it's a biological condition. My teenage daughter has a science teacher with Asperger's, and he is making it through life and is making a living.

I hope I don't sound harsh, but you need to get out there and live life like other 23 year olds, going to school and making a living.

I have a 17 year old boy with Asperger's, and not for one day would I let him use it as an excuse not to live life to the fullest.

Your mom is probably feeling overwhelmed and frustrated, and just wants you to get motivated.

It's great that you are helping by volunteering ! good stuff
A suggestion, . . . when you see your mom getting agitated towards the
dogs, step in and tell her that you are going to take them for a walk.
And just go and take them out for a walk, it will do you some good too
and possibly it will get your mom to back off.
As for calling the police, I wouldn't, that might just escalate into
more problems.
. . . keep your self calm by possibly looking into meditation or
tai chi exercises etc.
Remind her and yourself that life is about taking care of each other,
not creating enemies. It's about education not anger.
Whenever it seems dark and dreary, just remember sunrise is not far off.

___________________

reply to post by Logmafia


I do support my mom with the chores around the house, but she (and my stepdad to an extent) are not pleased with my efforts even though I do them the best I can.

I also mentioned that not only do I have Asperger's but mental illness too which impacts my work...I live in a small town and people like me aren't really thought of well.

I've held three jobs and in my parents' eyes, they still weren't good enough to support. I'd love to find a job and get out, but with it being winter and that, there's really no place to go.

This is not a worn out excuse, I have literally tried, but I still run into a wall...at least hopefully I have a VE Thursday

tinker9917
You are 23 years old... You need to find a money paying job, even if it's only part-time for now.

Asperger's is not an excuse, it's a biological condition. My teenage daughter has a science teacher with Asperger's, and he is making it through life and is making a living.

I hope I don't sound harsh, but you need to get out there and live life like other 23 year olds, going to school and making a living.

I have a 17 year old boy with Asperger's, and not for one day would I let him use it as an excuse not to live life to the fullest.

Your mom is probably feeling overwhelmed and frustrated, and just wants you to get motivated.

edit on 4-2-2014 by tinker9917 because: (no reason given)

Mayhaps he should have a family caring enough to help him overcome his difference.

What there really is no excuse for is:

1 His mother being abusive, verbal and phisical. You should never threaten your children with bodily harm, no matter what kind of issues you're dealing with. A spanking is one thing.. Outright bodily harm is another. Children get taken from their parents for much less.

2 Why would anyone threaten to kick your kids out of the house over a faulty vacume job? I understand giving children responsibility, but sounds like the parents may be dropping their own responsibilities on their children. Perhaps they should give the young adult the tools needed to get a job rather than just threatening to kick him out over a faulty vac job.

3 aspergers may not be a full blown disability, but it IS dehabilitating. It sets one apart from the rest. Just because you hold your child to a higher standard doesn't mean it's going to make him equal to what everyone else can achieve. Even still, you may be working with your child on his/her disability, and it IS a disability... But his family obviously goes the other direction, taking on abuse rather than help. A main atribute for aspergers is a lack of social skills, among other issues such as clumsiness, difficulties and behaviors that might not go well with others, more so at his age. People his age are not as forgiving, and are still rather childish in their ways than say, adults at a more wise, more accepting stage in their lives. Young adults are down right mean sometimes. He has to overcome, but we take for granted how much easier it is for us than it would be for him. Unless you yourself have aspergers, you wouldn't know anything other than what you see your child go through at home. Walk a mile in your childs shoes away from home and see how he lives and how he endures, then you'll know the full of it.

4 Opening your childs mail is a federal offence. Sounds like she's treating him like a kid more than an adult. There seems to be more evidence here of the mother being the problem than the young adult might be. It sounds like she hates her life and has to take it out on the children and more on the dog. Maybe her second marriage sucks and she can't deal with the pressure but feels stuck in her marriage beause she may have children for him. She wants her oldest to get out so she can live through him and it angers her that she cant.

Sounds like the bulk of the mental issues stem from the mom, more so than the person here today reaching out to a forum of total strangers.

I may not be fully correct on assuming his mother is as I saw it, but based on what I see, it's a nasty affair.

reply to post by TheToastmanCometh


I'm with you buddy. I too have aspergers. I have delt with it all of my life but it did seem to get better as I got older. Just do your best and don't think you're less than anyone else. It does get better and easier to handle. You're just feeling the full brunt of it now that you're forced to get out in the open to deal with it every day. When we're kids, it's easier because we're shielded more. I'm not saying that's a good way to be, but it is just that when we're young. Now you have to cope with the world and see it for what it truely is. At that stage, our skin isn't as thick as others and we have to deal more than others in a way they no one else has to. I'm not saying we do not deal with the same thing, we just deal with it in a way they can't understand.

Find what your good at and go with it. Try to think of everything coming at you right now as just temporary, as it does get better. In 5 years, so much can change. In 10, so much more. Have faith that things will get better and you will find yourself in a better place without even realising it. You'll just wake up one day and things will be better. You're young still. You have to go through so much right now because that's just the way it is.

Take care and good luck!

I went through a similar situation growing up (I'm 35 now) but it was a step-father and not my mother doing the abuse. There were always constant threats. He had his biological children taken away by the state because of abuse, and I regret that I to.d the investigators nothing because I was scared of what he would do to me or my mother. Everyday he would demean me. At 15 I slept on the floor in the dining room because I lost my bedroom for not keeping it clean to his standards. My small ammount of possesions were in a footlocker that he had access to, so he could take anything to punish me at his will. I had a bedtimeof 8 pm, and I had to be up and out of the house at 0530 every morning when my mother and him left for work. This was in Vermont, the winters were horrible, waiting in the cold for 2 hours for the bus to school, and there was an average 3 hour wait for them to get home after school. The summer was the same thing. A few times, they took trips to Connecticut to visit his family and I was left to fend for my self. There were quite a few times I slept outside in the elements, stealing food from a general store a few miles down the road from the house. I ran away a few times, only to be brought back by the cops, too scared to tell them what was going on, fearing what he might do to my mother if I did. After one of the attempts they were ordered to take me to a psyciatrist. I would lie to him, never telling him everything that went on.
One day he decided he didnt want my sister there anymore. My mother went along with him, and eventually, they went to court and gave her up. Theres much more to her story, similar abuses, but I think she was saved by that. When that happened, something finally clicked in me. On a trip to Connecticut, my place to stay fell through, and I called the therapist. I spent 4 days at his house, finally opening up to him about everything that had happened to me. I never had to deal with him (as a minor), again. I was put in a foster home for a while, and when I turned 16, got into a program that helped me with an apartment, job, and school, and have been taking care of myself ever since.
I have regrets almost every day that I never said anything, I never spoke out for myself or the 4 other kids, because I was too scared. Just say something to someone, anyone, there are people out there that will help.

reply to post by captb13

captb13 - what a life story. You must be a truly strong individual. I don't know how you survived emotionally such abuse. Glad to hear that you were able to get away and get on with your life.

reply to post by StallionDuck


you pretty much hit the nail on the head with your assumptions

as what i'm good at...nothing really that would give me "experience". I like to sew/cross stitch/craft along with some drawing.

TheToastmanCometh
reply to post by StallionDuck

 

you pretty much hit the nail on the head with your assumptions

as what i'm good at...nothing really that would give me "experience". I like to sew/cross stitch/craft along with some drawing.

edit on 5-2-2014 by TheToastmanCometh because: add

Everything you do gives you experiance. As someone younger, you have the ability that many adults only realise later on in life... You would be happier in life if you take on a role from something you want to do and enjoy over something you have to do because you settled.

Take what you love and make that into a business. People do it all the time, but most often they do it long after they've gone through hell and back with jobs they took for the money and because it was available. What they didn't understand was, once you create your job of choice, it is then available, but available because you made it so. Supply and demand. When you make a supply, "someone" will demand it. In a world of the internet, it's so much easier to find the demand for something you create.

Imagine a band. It creates some kind of music that some people hate, and some people love. When the producers put it out there to the world (think of the internet as being your producer and distrabution, you just have to play the role of the manager and push it out there using the net as a tool) then a whole lot of other people will love it and hate it.

Unique goods will always have a market. If you love art.. so do others. If you love craft, people will love your craft if you put it out there for them to see. Amazon - Ebay and others are a good place to start. People will even tell you that your dreams are dumb, but the dumb thing to do would to be the kind of person that will not even try. You're in your prime, man! You have so much time to push your dreams. Sure, get a rinky dink job to hold you over, but not one that will take away the time you need to put into your dreams. Don't learn too late when you have the tools to do it now. Only you are your biggest promoter and motivator. You HAVE to put it in yourself and pull it out of yourself and get to it and make your love and passion your money maker.



I would like to add more about experiance. The more you do something, the more experiance you have with it and the more it will develope into new things, better things, more creative things. It wont always stay the same. It'll get better, more imaginative. It'll always evolve. Let it also evolve you.

I'd make a seperate post on this, but I'm just going to add it as a bump.

My mom and family's house is getting foreclosed on, and we have until this wednesday to clear out...

I've decided to live with my dad, but when I came over with the BF to unload stuff, he was balls out drunk.

ah well

At 23 years old you are an adult, not a kid. It doesn't sound like you've been physically abused. You say your Mom has threatened to "kick you out of the house." At 23? Really? That's not exactly illegal. Maybe it's time you left. Here you are eating her food and taking up space, surfing the net (Who pays for that?) in return for a few "chores" that you maybe remember to do, maybe don't. And you have Asperger's? So what? Half the people I know have "Asperger's.' Bill Gates has Asperger's. It's a very popular diagnosis right now, right up there with OCD.

So no, you're not going to "tell your teacher" because you're old enough to BE a teacher. You're not going to tell the cops because, except for being mean to the family dogs, you have no evidence for any sort of crime. She opens your mail containing medical bills you can't pay? All that tells me is that she's concerned about who will pay them. You think you can make that a federal crime? Good luck with that. I can see why your parents are pissed. You're there long past when you should be, but they can't quite see themselves to really kick you out. They're exasperated at their slacker kid, who at 23 has more excuses for not doing anything than a dog has fleas.

You're getting a free ride long past when you ought to have been on your own.