posted on Dec, 23 2013 @ 04:59 PM
Every year, I find myself in this confusing state of not knowing what I want to do with my life. I've never been much of a goal-setter, and after 37
years, I only have a very basic understanding of what activities I'd do if I didn't do anything else.
I've been doing the job that I do now (at various companies) for about 15 years now, and it seems to be what I'm good at... and sort of what I do
even in my spare time (I break stuff, professionally.) Sometimes, it seems like it might be nice to make things... but I'd want something tangible.
I can't fit in with the software developers I am in constant interaction with. I just ain't wired that way.
In previous lives, I've raised worms for bait, I've cooked and cleaned in small kitchens, I've stocked shelves, picked orders and driven forklifts,
and I've led groups of developers that deal with software support of a national phone service. It seems like if I were to lose my job today, I could
go back to just driving a forklift. (Forks go up... forks go down. Rear wheel steering is fun, and you can use the safety cage to do chin-ups while
waiting to clear pallets from the mezz.)
Back on track.
I tend to be an ideas guy, as I continue thinking about situations after other people give up, and I am quite good at combining solutions that are
already in place with approaches from other industries, other materials, other cultures... I work out patterns and process flows for myself so that
if I ever need to repeat an activity, I can do it with my eyes closed... but I get bored of doing the same thing. I take things apart to see how they
work, and see if I can make them better... or even just spark an idea of alternatives.
I frequently get stuck analyzing a situation and do not act in time to achieve the desired outcome. I am told this is a common stumbling block on the
way to leadership. Analysis Paralysis.
Further, how can a person lead with no idea of where they're going? Nevertheless, I am on a leadership track at work. People like to follow me...
which I guess is a good thing.... though unfortunately, most of the time when I reach the end of a day, I just want to people to go away and leave me
I try not to talk to people about things that I believe, because someone is typically offended, or tries to challenge it. I really do believe in next
to nothing. I don't believe we, as humans, know anything at all. We have our observations, and we have a lot of science that is believed absolutely
by "science" nazis... but I think everything we know is subjective, making questioning of the official story not only interesting, but
I generally enjoy doing anything creative, but largely started that as a way of expressing myself during a childhood of crippling introvertedness. I
am a firm believer in rules (mostly as far as language is concerned), but also a firm believer that understanding of the rules gives you license to
bend them, or disregard them for effect, or for outcome.
So... there's a basic insight into my personality. Now we can get to a question:
How do I figure out what I actually want to aim this life toward? How do I figure out what I actually like to do, when there is nothing (short of my
wife and daughter) that angries up the blood, that drives me forward, and that -- when encountered -- captures my full attention?
Has anyone out there ever overcome such a thing? After a lifetime of "meh" finding an "Aha!"?
Now... that was a lot to read, and I thank you for sticking around. Did I delve too much into the crazy?