Childless by Choice?

Hi, ATS'ers!

Being fairly new to ATS, I was wondering how many of you are childless by choice, or "childfree". My husband and I are in our mid-forties and have been married for 12 years. We made a decision six months after we got married not to have kids--and took permanent measures to make sure we didn't. We both have a lot of reasons for making this decision, but one of the main ones for me is to avoid passing suffering on to another human being. We've never regretted it--in fact, at least a few times a month, I find myself thinking that, in a life riddled with questionable decisions, not having kids probably the best decision I ever made. Did you decide not to have kids? If so, why? Do you ever regret it? Do you think that you were destined to have kids or not have kids? I'm curious!

reply to post by Rhoswen


I also have chosen the no kids route.
I see the benefits of both lifestyles but am glad to be sitting where I am.

Money in my pocket and little stress.

I have never been big on kids though...cute when young....jerks when older.

It would also terrify me raising a girl in society today.

Rhoswen
Hi, ATS'ers!

Being fairly new to ATS, I was wondering how many of you are childless by choice, or "childfree". My husband and I are in our mid-forties and have been married for 12 years. We made a decision six months after we got married not to have kids--and took permanent measures to make sure we didn't. We both have a lot of reasons for making this decision, but one of the main ones for me is to avoid passing suffering on to another human being. We've never regretted it--in fact, at least a few times a month, I find myself thinking that, in a life riddled with questionable decisions, not having kids probably the best decision I ever made. Did you decide not to have kids? If so, why? Do you ever regret it? Do you think that you were destined to have kids or not have kids? I'm curious!

Hi, I'm childless by choice...in my late 30-ies. I didn't take any permanent measures. I don't see myself having any...but I'm not against it if it comes to pass.

I think I wasn't made to have kids

I don't have the patience...and I would certainly be a very strict...almost mental parent

I respect those choices people made.... but here comes my issues..


Im against anyone having kids once they past a certain age... because last thing want is a kid produced with down syndrome or other issue because the mother is too "old" for healthy child bearing.

I knew a couple who was like this... then they decided to have kid at 49 after making a choice......the kid has speech impediment.

i say if you make a decision, keep the decision.



Now my personal opinion, i want at least 1 kid, to me it feels like not having kid is like killing of millions of years of natural selection and evolution.

In my opinion, Passing genes is probably the most basic human goal/instinct w/e.

luciddream
Now my personal opinion, i want at least 1 kid, to me it feels like not having kid is like killing of millions of years of natural selection and evolution.

In my opinion, Passing genes is probably the most basic human goal/instinct w/e.

Lol, I'm sorry but when I read this, it reminded me of idocracy. I agree with you, but when I read that all I could see was this:




Just because people can breed, doesn't mean all of them should.

I have 2 kids...by choice of course, lol. I don't regret having kids but damn their are days where I do. My kids are 5 & 2 at the moment and my 5 year old is just downright an asshole most days...pardon my french. He's very very smart but damn he is just moody as hell. He's been like this since the day he was born and I think as he grows he will grow out of this too. Now out 2 year old is just peachy as can be...even when he throws his tantrums. So he helps even the balance.

The selfish me just imagines what I could do with all the extra $$$ I would have. Up until this year we were paying $1200 month for daycare expenses alone. But when it's all said and done I wouldn't turn back not even for a second. But I respect your decision very much.

Late 30's here,no kids through choice.
Part of me would like kids,and to be a father-but a bigger part of me would hate to send my DNA into the future,and inevitable decline of humanity and our planet-especially as I would be dead and unable to help them through the hard times to come.
Its bad enough now,but give it 50 years for the water wars,mass extintion events,dead oceans,rise of China,a truly fascist USA,an overcrowed UK/europe run by commies(all of which are already starting IMO),and I would hate for a kid of mine to have to see all that come to pass.
I also couldn't bare to have to explain to my kids why there are no more rhino's,elephants,tigers,lions,whales and probably many more species by the middle of this century.

Of course,I try in my own small way to help causes such as the above-but I don't believe it will ultimatley make any difference-we are too good at destroying mother nature,almost as if we were designed for the job..

So on balance,no kids for me thank you.
Hope my post doesn't depress anyone too much,like it does to me.

reply to post by eXia7

Movie.. Ideocracy..

I saw that movie, it was exaggerated but something to think about.

Just because people can breed, doesn't mean all of them should.

That is a given of course, hopefully if one of the "not fit" do breed, i hope the child becomes something good.

reply to post by luciddream

Im against anyone having kids once they past a certain age... because last thing want is a kid produced with down syndrome or other issue because the mother is too "old" for healthy child bearing.

I don't think that's a rule.

I would however enforce a rule about minimum IQ requirements for being a parent. Not that it would necessarily solve all problems, but it's a start.

Bringing kids in to this world is a huge responsibility, one I think that not everybody is aware off. People take parenting too lightly. There is no miracle in making babies. All the species on earth are doing it...being a good parent...now that is a miracle.

Morning,

I have also elected the no-child route but my reasons differ from most here.
I was badly abused as a child.
It completely messed with my head up for decades.
Now that I have come to grips with the true nature of what occured to me, I have made great strides to undo some of it but most of this damage is irrepairable.
I would never have a child out of fear of turning into my father. As long as there remains a possibility of becoming that which I despise most, I could never honestly consider becoming a parent.
I don't know if there are any out there who can understand this mindset but I remain too terrified of what could happen as a result of the abuse I went through.
I can't always control my temper on certain topics because of this, having suffered it first hand.
I'd rather die than unwittingly hurt a child...so I choose to not be a parent.
Since I can't undo what was done to me, that's the only responsible decision I can make.

(Funny that my friends kids seem to identify with me more than their own parents...still can't figure that one out!)

-Peace-

reply to post by MarioOnTheFly

I dont think that is a rule..

It is not, it was my opinion. But i think doctors or whoever the couple consult will run tests on them and object if it doesn't look good, but it still not going to stop them from having a child.

Better to have the child early than later.. if they cant make up their mind.

reply to post by luciddream

It is not, it was my opinion. But i think doctors or whoever the couple consult will run tests on them and object if it doesn't look good, but it still not going to stop them from having a child.

Better to have the child early than later.. if they cant make up their mind.

agreed.

But somehow...I'm bothered by overly young parents. I think that most people don't understand the complexity of the role of a parent, and what awaits. Especially when one is young. Looking in retrospect, I wouldn't advise people to have children before the age of 25.

Of course, not all people mature at the same time. But one needs to experience what life is, before giving life.

Anyway...that's my opinion.

Between the cost of raising a child and the crazy world we live in, we chose to have pets instead.

reply to post by MarioOnTheFly


Agreed, 25 seems like a good set of numbers(all my girl class mates got married at that age).

I would say 28-32 if a prefect number range. One of the reason being, you would want the female to set a firm ground inside a workforce before she leaves for labour leave, so her career is not damaged.

42 and no kids when I was younger I didn't want to bring kids into this messed up world, now a day's I kind of regret it because I do want to be a dad, but would clearly have to find someone significantly younger than myself to have kids with, but as things are now, I have my nineteen year old niece living with me for the past 2 years and I'm delightedly happy to have her with me since my sister moved to Arizona and Olivia didn't want to go with her, on a side note Olivia had only met her biological father once, and that was recently within the last two months,, but ever since she was a baby she always looked too me as the positive male role model in her life. Having played that role in her life is what made me change my mind about wanting kids of my own, and even if that does happen I will continue to keep my niece as my surrogate daughter so to speak.

As someone who taught Family studies and child development and marriage in several major universities. I think you did the right thing.

This world would be a much better place if people thought deeply before having children.

People who really don't want children in subtle and unconscious ways pass this message to their children, causing maladjusted adults.

If only people who truly want children and can afford them without stressing had children, then the overall mental health of all adults and defacto society would be much better.

My wife and I have many children. I am the enemy.

When I was younger, I was pursuing graduate degrees, and did not plan to marry, much less raise any children. I met my wife (who is considerably younger), and as we were getting married we both agreed that we might have kids some day. Our first (and "only", in our eyes, back then) was such a joy that we decided on a second ... then a third....

Each time, we talked about what it would do to our finances, our careers, our spare time, our sexuality, etc. Then we did it anyway.

There are definitely bad days, and they are BAD. On the other hand, the good days make the air smell sweeter, the sunshine a bit more golden, and the future seem like an endless well of opportunities.

I was never a "hugger." I mean, not even after I found my future wife and married her. But my little girls, their hug will often bring me to tears. They are just so loving and wholesome.

Likewise, one of the boys loves to be tickled--neck, ribs and ears. There is no sound as magical as the laughter of little children. When they smile, they smile with their whole face, not just their mouths or eyes. And when they laugh, it sounds like water splashing in a creek or whitewater river.

There are times, like a rare day off, when I am with the family and I think to myself that this is what heaven will be like. People who love me and approve of me, and don't want anything from me but a snowball fight or to bake some cookies.

Yes, the world is a dark and dangerous place, full of evil and horror. But the evil doesn't cancel out the good. It doesn't invalidate the good, the wholesome, and the life-affirming.

Every one of us must make our own choices. I sit in judgment of no one.

grandmakdw

If only people who truly want children and can afford them without stressing had children, then the overall mental health of all adults and defacto society would be much better.

edit on 22-11-2013 by grandmakdw because: (no reason given)

I must respectfully disagree. My wife and I earn below-average incomes. We could not "afford" children. We had them anyway. And without regret.

Our monthly budget is planned to within $20 of our income. Our kids don't have many of the things their peers do-- the latest (or any!) computer, a car for the teenager, or a college fund.

One of the reasons I often post on the "survivalist" forums is that I need to hunt and fish and garden to put groceries on my table for the whole family.

We also have a grandparent living with us. Again, it costs us money we don't really have. But the happiness, the love, isn't measured in dollars saved or spent.

What a great mix of choices here! Tovenar, I admire your commitment to your decision, and it sounds like you're richly rewarded in love. If I had the confidence that my life could have supported that, I could imagine having maybe one kid, but I think it's the sort of thing that you're either cut out for or you're not. I also relate to the person who said that childhood abuse played a big part in their decision. It doesn't for everyone who decides not to have kids--we've probably all known at least someone who wants to "correct" their upbringing by having kids and doing it parenting "right" this time--but it was a factor in my decision, for sure. And a myriad of other things. In the end, it just wasn't the right thing for me and my husband, and I'm happy and relieved that we made the choice we did. But I also admire the heck out people who take the plunge and have kids, and do a bang-up of job raising them to be real human beings. That's got to be the hardest and most thankless task ever.

I have 5 boys, none of them planned, between my marriage and divorce, and common law, and now preferring no relationship, and it makes for an unconventional life, ie, the pregnancies did in my thyroid, which created chronic fatigue and many other problems, and have family help, and also help family back. I ended up choosing the kids over any possible relationship, now have a collapsed system and plastic mesh holding me up due to the low metabolic energy, liver going, and gout, semi severe arthritis. Don't take massive meds for it, but if it wasn't for my higher bed and bathroom fixtures, would need a walker or rails to get up. Once up can do things. Stairs are limited. And naps are needed.

The two younger boys fight, the first 2 were angels, and each has problems. But there is alot of Love between us nonetheless, and despite economic alternative living styles, would not trade it for one moment of anything else. would not take the big boat and big house, and though at times crave my own little apartment, that I would stay in quietly for 6 months and just heal up from the noise, would never do this for anything.

When I was young, on the school bus, with my friends, we talked about the little girls we would have, dreamed of our conventional families and careers. And then had a kind of psi moment where 5 kids, like my aunt, were shown and I though nah. That can't be.

Each of my children, prior to their coming into the world, prior to my pregnancies, involved dreams of a baby, with specifics relating to each one. My oldest, 10.5 lbs, and a genius, over 90% average first year college: physics, chemistry, calculus, computer science, english, now in second after a break. I saw myself having a baby that was taller the trees. A giant baby. My second son who expresses more of the native look, my 2 oldest are status, 1/4 Bella Coola native, and I saw an eskimo/asian looking child on a pink blanket. They were all shown as girls, for some reason. He was my buddha baby, hair stood straight up and was so very chubby. He is now 6 2, and very thin. My middle child, 2/3rds of a year before meeting his father, kept dreaming of a white curly blond girl, and never really dated a blond before, didn't think it was likely. And his brother, after we broke up, I didn't realize we were going to try again for a few more years. Darker blond baby. The youngest was the only one that I didnt forsee, yet during the pregnancy had dreams of angels kissing my tummy.

Now, there is nothing I would ever trade for any of them or any of the problems we've had. Not one bit, I would have preferred not the problems, but the kids are more important than economics, homes, though we now have a home.

Those who are sold the idea that political, economic ISMS are real, when its only bad opinions allowing any of this, and tailor life to darth vader....nothing counts in the world, only growth , love, and learning, and striving to overcome issues that interfere with happiness.

And the only valuable item out of those who don't have kids, I would prefer at times, is the lack of stress or peace, and therefore the ability to do anything, start any business, develop art and creativity. Health and peace of mind, stress free environment makes just anything possible.

But I wouldn't trade even that for my family.