reply to post by Bluesma
Abuse of all sorts happened as I was young- but I am not sure that is as significant in this as you feel.
A unique concoction of events conspired against me. That's ok. That human beings even possess the wherewithal to bring healing to their biologically
mediated trauma, is amazing. Developmental Neuroscience and developmental psychology is bringing a level of insight that humankind has never possessed
about it's own inner state. Attachment Theory, Regulation Theory, The Polyvagal theory, and the writings of thinkers like Pat Ogden, Diana Fosha,
Daniel Siegel, Philip Brogman Jaak (weird last name, cant remeber) and others, they're absolutely revolutionizing the field of life sciences and
providing new frameworks - non medicative frameworks - where mindfulness is used to transform negative affect states.
And yes. My state was pretty dysregulated, but I know for certain that it could be far worse that I had it. People who from their earliest years, who
were severely abused, emotionally disorganized due to severely poor attachment, have gone through life dissociated. The personality that grew as an
EXPRESSION of dissociation was and is extremely unstable, extremely fractured, anxious, tense, and experiences an enormous resistance to high
intensity, socially emergent, emotional states.
Thank heavens, my trauma came later in life, around 12-13, reexperienced again AT 15-16, AND affected me for a good 12 years before I got some control
on it and began to reverse the effects. So, my window of tolerance was much larger, and I had several memories, and indeed, a long history, of hanging
out with friends, playing tennis, basketball, football, soccer, etc, at recess or after school.
Then as an adult, I moved to a foreign country, in which I didn't speak the language, and the culture is very different.
I can imagine. I live in Toronto which is known to be a very multicultural city. I was born in the eastern borough, but between ages 5 and 13, kept
moving between here and a northern suburb. Shuttling between these two areas was like moving to different worlds. In one environment, all the kids are
black, latino, middle eastern, indian, asian, greek, portuguese, italian, etc. The way we talk and relate to each other is different. It's hard to
put into words, but back then, I experienced a culture shock. Moving to Aurora (the name of the Town north of Toronto), I felt a strange uneasiness
which I couldn't name. It eventually occurred to me that others saw me as "different". What was it, you ask? I was tanned - portuguese background.
I had curly hair. These two features were enough for them to call me "'n-word'". Ironically, the kid who started this was ALSO Portuguese. This
showed me something intrinsic about children: they eagerly and instinctively look to exploit differences as a way to experience intense emotions. This
is what Philip did. He noted I looked different, "funny" to him, and he made noise of it. Other kids caught on and ran with it. Unbeknownst to their
still socially immature minds, they are causing a world of hurt and dysregulation to the individual nervous system they're doing this to.
This causes terrible conflicts and misunderstandings, so I tend to remain in a non-emotional analytical state, which makes me seem "cold" to others
and hinders relationships.
That's one of the clinical definitions for dissociation. You do realize you can get a handle on that, correct?
A mixture of cognitive (talk) and affective (somatic mindfulness) therapy would do you a world of good.
In short, there is no good reason why you can't integrate happy states without feeling bad about it. The reason you begin to feel bad about it due to
chaotic energy-information patterns that established themselves early in youth or perhaps later on. You know this is probably the truth.
All you need to do is: name it to tame it. Everytime I find myself engaging disordered thought patterns, thoughts that make me think poorly of myself,
or delude me into believing there is something "intrinsically" awry in my mind, I bring myself to a center: my brain is doing this to me; it is
repeating patterns that I typically use in situations like these. I need to recognize the objective fact of this occurrence, and recognize that I have
an intrinsic ability to inspire myself to better regulate my emotional experience.
In a few years, within the decade, schools are going to be reformulated. In addition to the development of the left brain - reading, writing, math,
etc - there will be brief periods of somatic introspection. This is essentially the trick to developing socially mature, wise and integrated
individuals. This is how you make a more humane society and world.
People who become aware of their own emotions invariably come to reflect on the experiences of others. This is something calling "mentalization",
where people "map" what they know from their own experience to the experience of others. Whether this is mediated by the brains strong association
mechanisms, so called "mirror neurons", is unknown, but whenever we see someone crying or upset, we instinctively come to "feel" or absorb, some
of their emotional state.
Imagine what a revolution this would be. Pretty amzing to think about.
I too watch the inter-subjectiveness of others which is of a cultural or collective type, and am in awe at how easy it seems to be! It doesn't
require any thought or calculation, and so many can take part at a time! But If you have one or two people in your life with which you can have that
flow, that is pretty damned cool too!