posted on Aug, 27 2013 @ 11:55 PM
Seems like I come in and out of that for many years, now, OP.....
sometimes, I wonder, is it better knowing, having that knowledge that brings the second on, that dark night that never seems to end. I watch those
around me year after year, they seem to have things come to them effortlessly, and never know the difference. I'm old enough to know at least some
of those carry a secret pain within, and just hide it better; I've seen that, too, here in the dark night of the soul, I think, just to show me
that's the way it is, no matter how it "looks," and ask, "is it worth knowing certain things?" For that, truly, is part and parcel of what this
nighttime horror is about, the aloneness and pain of it, the knowing that is what is real, and we are helpless to change it, to some degree: We came
here alone, lived alone no matter what we thought along the way, and face it one day, alone...... We may know the love of someone, only to find it so
temporary; we may find "God," "jesus," a belief is some other reality, bliss in our dreams when we most need it at certain times, but at the end
of that road, what awaits us, is this dark, cold night you speak of, that many of us endure, for a very long time.
I wish I had something erudite, hopeful to say.....but I wrote my own thread recently trying to find a way out of just what you speak of, only to find
after that week, it was only worse: darker, more alone, surrounded by more foreign emotions, isolating features of life, and not knowing where to
turn,challenging where I drew my line. Perhaps, sometimes, I think, this is what it is about......judging the value of what it is to truly know, to
experience and know the true feelings of those around you behind their masks, no matter how subtle or clever their lies are, when they lie to you; to
know we may come to nothing but dust and then relive the same again, and wonder all over if it is worth the knowing.......or better to be perky, happy
and distracted, and easily amused.....
You are not alone, OP. If that helps any. And my line is still where my line was twenty years ago, no matter how many dark nights I lived through.
If nothing else, this is what I hold onto. That character, that part of you, that you cherished when no one else saw it, loved it, appreciated it,
perhaps even hated you for having it when they did not, and so even did things to you when you didn't know, weren't cognizant......but someone,
somewhere sees even that, even if they cannot speak of it, or save us from our isolation or aloneness.
As the poster above me said, I have nothing to say to save you from this, but you must know there are many of us in that night with you, sleepless,
alone, grasping, wondering, searching.......
All my respect and hope for you,