Friends?

So news to all, I'm getting married in less than a month. Yeah me.
The woman (let's call her Bob) doing our wedding cake, recently started her own catering company. Which I fully support. And we are happy to pay her at the agreed cost.
Tonight we gave her an update as to our guest list response (200 now, not the 300 we invited), and her response was in my opinion boarder line rude, and insinuating we were looking for a deal beyond what we agreed.

However my fiancee and I helped Bob and her (now) husband (a friend of mine since Jr high school and a band mate almost as long) prepare their venue for their wedding at no cost (but otherwise a good $1000 for the work and time, as we would bill out for independent contractor gigs).

I understand Bob has a profit margin to keep to, I am just in a foul mood over her tone, and the fact I didn't bill them for the services we rendered, after how she talked to my lady today.

Tell me good folks of ATS. Am I letting pre wedding stresses affect my judgement on this topic?

on toppic, i wouldn't worry about it, its a very short life and u shouldnt worry what kind of tone people use over fake things like money

reply to post by DocHolidaze


There is no worry, just a general sense of "Screw off," for her tone. Of course, I will still be there for my friends. This time I'm just feeling like I got played for a fool, especially as we went over and beyond for Bob, and her man.

ETA: This is not about money. This is about a tone in response to hearing the need would be less than originally assumed. We never talked about a lesser rate.

reply to post by randomtangentsrme


Lot of people conveniently forget that when they needed help moving or painting their apartment, you showed up dressed for work and brought pizza. It happens. And it makes you re-evaluate friendships.

I have only a few real friends, but they are "real" friends. Personally, I believe you have every reason to question whether these are friends worth keeping....

reply to post by Ex_CT2


It's funny, Bob I've only know for 3 years, her husband I've known for 20.
He's always been a bit of a fool, but he literally cried on my shoulder when his father passed. That friendship is there.

However this incident is making me rethink my interest in being there for friends, as it seems "friends" only have the bottom line in their minds.
But I do see your point. And it does make me re-evaluate all my friendships.

Sounds like Bob counted her eggs before they hatched.

But, if y'all agreed upon a price and Bob purchased products to meet the initial order... Bob might be upset for a profit margin that could be nulled with this news. A third cut in the order estimate, an estimate they probably gave to you at a discount, could effect their business thingie. Never let money ruin friendship... Given them what they need to be successful. Sure it'll pay off in the long run.

Good luck on the union and best of luck.

Edit-Bob and your other friend have already imagined their business take off and flourish. They already have their dream 'planned' out. If you play a part in their dream turning into poo, your friend of 20 years might indirectly blame you. Instead, be the supportive friend, pay what they ask and understand their fears. Be there when it fails for them...cause Bob sounds like a manipulative type.

reply to post by randomtangentsrme


One tip, Communication.

Communication is key, Not only to but to maintain wanted friendships, and business relationships, but also sustain a healthy marriage
You got all three in one scenario.

Friend Advise:
First make clear if bob was indeed being rude, perhaps she was having a bad day.
Tell her you felt insulted by her comments. This is tough but honesty reveals honesty. She most likely will apologize and perhaps recognize that you value this friendship, and maybe give you a deal. Wired but it works.

And whatever you do, do not bring up past incidents. If you must, wait for the opportunity to gently remind her, but do not use it as a weapon, that is a guarantee to escalate any anticipated conflict. You did their wedding out of the kindness of your heart, that was your decision based on your values, she has different values and apparently different cost involved. She does not owe you anything other than to give you the best wedding cake you ever had at the agreed price.

If she really is trying to screw you over, then shame on her. Make the best of the situation, be positive for your bride, get her through the wedding happy. Then hope time will heal the broken friendship.

Marriage advise:
I know you didn't ask for it but the above advise parallels advise given to me about handling conflict in a marriage.
Use this situation as a test, see what happens when you can be honest with your feelings with this friend. Anticipating the conflict by gathering ammo to attack is proven to only divide. Take this lesson to your new marriage as you for sure will encounter conflict. Disciplining yourself during times of conflict to speak to your spouse rather than at them will help foster the relationship, rather than frustrate the relationship.

Sorry I'm long on this but I really want you to have a great wedding. A little nick like this one can fester and put a shadow around what's supposed to be a wonderful day. And I hope you can take some of this advise to your relationship building with your spouse.

I have been happily married to my wife for 15 years, we dated 4 years before we got married, three kids. Incase you feel weary of taking marital advice from an anonymous ATS member.

A friend is someone that will help you move house, help prepare a wedding, or help you financially when in need.

A 'real' friend will help you hide a body.

On a serious note, it sounds like Bob already spent some of the money she was expecting from you.
And after your guest list reduced, she realised she failed and probably took it out on your wife.

if she hasn't improved her tone next time you speak, slap her

reply to post by randomtangentsrme




Sounds to me like 'Bob' is only a friend of yours because she is 'through circumstances'

with your 'friend'

Life moves on and never stands still which means friendships get stronger and sometimes

get less strong!

Well hey! that's life it happens! its how one deals with it that counts maybe its time

for you and yours to move on??

Anyway All the best to you and your lady have a long, HAPPY and successful life

reply to post by randomtangentsrme


Holy crap, am I that far gone?? After reading your first two posts I have no idea whose getting married, whose making the cake, and are you marrying Bob or not?

Did you sign anything? How soon is the wedding?

reply to post by randomtangentsrme
"Bob" was probably just stressing out and took it out on your lady. You said the catering business is a new thing for her so she's probably not gotten used to the idea of plans being altered. At least she's gotten a decent notice (almost a month?) so even if she has ordered food she still has time to change the order. If for some reason she can't pay for the food, but your intended deserves an apology for the rudeness nonetheless and I would say something about it.

Also, just because you are close to Bob's husband doesn't mean you have to be close to her- you are only obligated to be respectful of your friend's spouse. You can stay close to your friend without being close to his wife, and your future wife is under no obligation to be busom buddies with either of them.

OP, why are you involved in the wedding planning?

Let your woman handle all that for crying out loud...

too confusing. maybe stop calling her bob.
you wifes friends sister i mean.

reply to post by Signals




What century is this?

@Rikku... LMAO!!

Originally posted by kosmicjack
reply to post by Signals

 

What century is this?

Well, it depends on if you believe the Middle Ages really happened

Seriously though, I feel a duty to encourage OP to grow a pair. If he's gonna start a Rant he should be prepared to hear the truth.

This thread is a direct representation of the feminization of men in our society.

I've been married twice. My only requirement was to show up, there was no involvement in planning of the event, come on...

Originally posted by Signals

Originally posted by kosmicjack
reply to post by Signals

 

What century is this?

Well, it depends on if you believe the Middle Ages really happened

Seriously though, I feel a duty to encourage OP to grow a pair. If he's gonna start a Rant he should be prepared to hear the truth.

This thread is a direct representation of the feminization of men in our society.

I've been married twice. My only requirement was to show up, there was no involvement in planning of the event, come on...

Fat fingered reply. Sry.

I agree to the feminization remark. Roles need to be set. I also think Bob is a b with a capitol B.