Ever wonder what kind of letters and exchanges the Big Guy up North has to deal with? Ever wonder how Mr. Claus has had to adapt to a world full of
rather rough young folks the presents still need delivered to? Well... I happen to come across a sensitive series of communciations between a little
boy named Timmy and Santa himself! Here, take a peek....
How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box
360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.
Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the
time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you
something you can go outside and play with.
Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. nice" contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me
what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jibe at my weight
coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?
While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of
services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorneys have been on retainer ever
since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will
not only improve your health, but also improve you social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger
King fry bin most days.
Very Truly Yours,
Now look here Fat Man,
I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now
you just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys and we're gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I'm taking my game console, my game, my
phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!
Listen Pizza Face,
Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny g-banger wannabe? "He sees
you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake". Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your #
wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll all
over the carpet of your mom's basement. You're not getting what you asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in your ass and
then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.
Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.
That's what I thought, you little bastard.
Awww... See? These things always work out how they are supposed to in the end. People just need some time and privacy to see eye to eye on reality,
Enjoy and Merry Christmas!
edit on 20-12-2012 by Wrabbit2000 because: (no reason given)