Yes, yes, yes. I am a member of the ATS staff and, as such, I am supposed to be a shining beacon of civility and an example of how others should post.
I know this because I keep getting those "Heff.... dude, CUT IT OUT!" memos from the powers that be.
So I do try to behave. Well, try might be a strong word... Let's go with "I keep it in mind".
But that doesn't mean that I don't sometimes find myself wanting to type out words that would immediately get auto censored. In fact, I often find
myself furious at physics - as they prevent me from reaching through my monitor and choking the smiles right out of the occasional crass and obnoxious
ATS poster. I've long held the PC industry in a sort of contempt because they lacked the foresight to include stun gun technology into computer
interface devices. I think the world would be a better place is it were set up so that a predetermined number of votes, by the Internet community, in
some predetermined time span - would turn a computer keyboard into a 50,000 volt reminder of all those neat things are parents once taught us about
Let's face it. Half the crap that is said on the Internet would never
get said in the real world. And you know why that is? Fists. The real
world has fists in it. Fists that tend to take offense to blind and vitriolic stupidity. Mr Darwin let us know that, in the real world, stupidity is
most often painful. Sadly, those who invented Cyberspace neglected to compensate for this check and balance - thus making the Internet the safest
place in the known Universe for people to be as idiotic as they please.
Having said that... we're all guilty of taking advantage of this freedom to be a complete dolt without risk. We've all done it. Some of us slip in the
midst of a bad day. Some of us have a few drinks and let our inner troll out for a walk. But there are those among us who are just that damned good
at it that they NEVER stop
They see the endless expanses of Doltland and they go through the gates with a purpose... with a mission. They want to
ride every ride on site. They are in their element and NOTHING ( short of the FBI party van ) is ever going to stop them. For some the idea of being
the most annoying entity in all of creation is an ambition that they must heed.
Sadly, the rest of us are left to stand around - waiting to get sucked in. We type out our little messages and push the enter key - half conscious of
the fact that the replies we receive may well be constructive... or that they may cause us to twitch, storm away from the computer, head for the
liquor cabinet, and then spend the next three hours trying to convince our real world friends why words on a screen have managed to piss us off to
such an extreme degree.
Those poor friends - the ones who don't understand the Internet and how frustrating it can be... Well... their day will come. One day THEY will text
US with the words "ZOMG SOME GUY JUST TROLLED ME ON MY CROCHET FORUM!!!! HE SAID AWFUL THINGS!!!!" And we will laugh. We will laugh heartily. Why?
Well because it's always funny when it isn't us.
Let's face it. This is the Internet. And it is the sort of place that would make Gandhi want to put out an ad on Craiglist asking to purchase a Glock.
Where Mother Theresa could end up with 17 "Extreme T&C Violation" tags on her thread about feeding the hungry - should a troll discover it, haunt it,
and provoke her into the sort of rage that we've all felt from time to time.
Courtesy is mandatory - but it sure ain't fun nor easy.
Somewhere in my storage area there are two computer monitors, about six or seven keyboards, and a box filled with mice that have fallen prey to my
Internet reaction rages.
I have screamed obscenities at my monitor in some vain hope that the person on the other end of the screen might just hear my words.
Out there in the ether of Cyberspace there are blog entries and status updates that say things like "Some guy said mean stuff to me... now I'm drunk
and still angry..."
But that was all before I discovered the truth. A truth I am happy to share with you now....The evil, evil, malicious, spiteful, deviant, ugly ( did I
mention evil? ) truth of how it all works. That was before I became aware of the digital alchemy that allows one the power to kill trolls. It's an
arcane art that takes a LOT of willpower and possibly even medication to achieve. But one that is worth it.
Kindness. Trolls explode into bloody blobs of derp when they are replied to with kind and non-reactionary responses. It's a magical thing to watch a
mean spirited person dissolve into nothingness like that witch in the Oz movie.
Oh, sure, they kick, whine, scream, and try to go out with both guns blazing. But as long as you stay the course? They die a horrible cyberdeath. It's
like watching a two year old cry themselves out and it is glorious to behold! The more idiotic they get? The nicer you become. I would call it a sport
but the truth is that there is nothing sporting about it. It is like shooting fish in a barrel and it's delicious, fulfilling, sadistic, glorious fun.
And the meltdowns? What a sweet moment to watch as people who came here to be destructive only manage to end up achieving their own destruction... as
their profiles suddenly become devoid of avatars and information and get pegged with that wonderful Banned
So, ATS, I share this demonic alchemy with you and suggest that you give it a shot.... I promise that once you see it in action, you'll understand it
all. And you'll be hooked!
In fact it's such an effective tactic that the biggest problem on ATS, one day, might actually become that we don't have enough trolls left to keep
having our fun!
Courtesy is mandatory - but it's also bloody good malicious fun.
( Oh - and /rant - parody )
edit on 11/20/12 by Hefficide because: It wouldn't be a Heff post without at least ONE typo that even I, with my
horrible grammar, notices after the fact.