The lonely legacy of the "Sex and the City" lifestyle

Well, I was torn over whether to put this here or in "Relationships" but ultimately I think its a social issue since so many women have similar stories, and I'm more interested in the aggregate effects of this trend on society than I am in any given relationship. It's a demographic and social issue at core.

The article is a piece by a woman now in her 40s and alone who laments wasting her earlier years on a "Sex and the City"-inspired lifestyle. She is very candid and articulate about her regrets, and I admire her honesty and bravery in exposing herself this way.

The lonely legacy of my Sex And The City lifestyle: Claudia Connell gives a painfully honest account of how she came to be living alone in middle-age

At the age of 46, I accept that my opportunity to have a family has gone and the chances of meeting a decent man aren’t looking too rosy either. Not exactly a cheery thought, but at least I can console myself with the knowledge that, in one sense at least, I will be far from alone — because today, in the UK, there are record numbers of us middle-aged singletons. Figures released last week by the Office of National Statistics showed that there are now 7.6 million people living alone in the UK. And the fastest rising group of ‘aloners’ — 2.5 million — are people like me, who fall between the ages of 45 and 64 and live alone in our own properties with no spouse, partner or children.

The figure represents a mind-blowing 50 per cent increase since the mid-Nineties. Materially well-off but emotionally bereft, we represent the loneliest generation ever known — and as a member of this fast-growing club, I have to say, it’s not a membership I look forward to renewing annually.

For me, the single girl lifestyle that I embraced and celebrated with so much enthusiasm in the Eighties and Nineties has lost much of its gloss, and is starting to look a little hollow. I was part of the Sex And The City generation — successful, feisty women who made their own money, answered to no one and lived life to the full.
When it came to men, our attitude to them was the same as it was towards the latest must-have handbag: only the best would do, no compromises should be made, and even then it would be quickly tired of and cast aside.

I encourage everyone to read the article. She goes on to state her belief that she had unrealistic expectations about dating, family, and life in general in her 20s and 30s. Rather than settling down and making a family when she was young, more energetic, and more fertile, she turned down many possible mates as not living up to her alpha-male ideal, and chose to party away the nights in a trendy urban lifestyle like that on "Sex and the City." Only for the author of this article, there was no "Mr. Big" waiting for her at the end. Now she feels that she's squandered her chance to get a man and raise a family, and she says that the alpha-male types she was interested in were never interested in her "fiesty, go-grrrl career woman" type anyway, being drawn instead to younger and "less complicated" women.

Possible avenues for discussion

-Do you agree with her sentiments?

-What social factors are behind this trend? Can it be reversed? Should it be reversed?

-What does it mean for society that the nunbers of women who fit this profile are soaring? What will happen to them in old age? Will they be able to provide for themselves OK with no problem as career women, or will the state have to step in?

-Can people like this find happiness in other ways, assuming the traditional family route has been closed off? Or has it been closed off?

-What does this trend say about culture, family, and society in general?

-Will the younger generation of women have a different outlook, or go ahead and make the same mistakes?

yea well... I bet almost all the men she dated during those "crazy years" are now married.

Isnt life great?

What a stupid out look on life . Holding such unrealistic standards did / do these people think they are princesses waiting for their knight in shining armor thinking they are better than everyone else. Or are they having a hard time deciphering fairy tale from reality . I really don't have much sympathy for people like this .

Originally posted by FraternitasSaturni
yea well... I bet almost all the men she dated during those "crazy years" are now married.

Isnt life great?

It does seem that in most cases, time is more favorable to men then women. Men reach their peak earning years in their 40s and become more attractive to women of all ages, I guess.

Originally posted by freedomSlave
What a stupid out look on life . Holding such unrealistic standards did / do these people think they are princesses waiting for their knight in shining armor thinking they are better than everyone else. Or are they having a hard time deciphering fairy tale from reality . I really don't have much sympathy for people like this .

I blame the media and academia for foisting unrealistic feminism-inspired political correctness on women and men alike. The inability to acknowledge reality leads to this kind of problem.

I'm not for the trend being fully reversed. I just think that it's going through a transition period right now as female culture and society are wrinkling out the kinks from the earlier generation of women who went this route. WOmen aren't dumb. They will learn from watching what didn't work for the generation before in regards to this.

THe big thing they have to keep in mind is compromise. The women that were living the purely Sex in the City lifestyle and embraced the theory and logic were in some ways telling the world and potential suitors that there is no room in my life except for myself. Even today you see that trend with women. Go on youtube and watch all these women doing their clothing hauls from forever 21 or whatever. It all seems so self absorbed to me. They put on a good show about how great they are doing etc...but all I see is someone who's ego is as fragile as glass.

SO really how are they going to get mad at the men for rejecting them in the end or for going after younger women. THey showed their colors and it wasn't of a team player hence no family or kids for them. As they got older and matured a bit they saw that life is a lot about compromise. Mr right doesn't exist. You aren't going to find, super wealthy, super good looking, super philanthropic, super dad, super lover all in one man. Sometimes Mr. Good Enough or the guy who loves me most even though he's broke or whatever is the right choice.

I see the issue and problem reaching homeostasis after a few generations of experimenting or emulating the women who have found the right balance.

One big issue is female insecurity in modern society feeding narcissism and over inflated egos. A lot of these same women don't even realize that there is a whole world outside their wants, desires or self absorption. THis will only hurt many women as they grow older and run into the wall of the rest of humanity.

Of course no one wants a life of pure misery getting stuck with some ultra high maintenance , self important, deluded individual. Male or female, same story.

Like this woman, everything is about her, revolves around her, and exists purely for her amusement.

She deserves to reap what she hath sewn. This was her stated goal afterall, I hope she learns to enjoy her own predicament.

Hey she was an alpha female after all. She got laid plenty, what's her problem anyway? Not like she actually cared or loved anyone except herself anyway.

I am not sure what to think of her comments. I, too, never married but I am not one to feel morose about my chances of ever marrying. I don't feel lonely, that's a state of mind. I have many married friends who are the loneliest people on earth. They settled and feel very unhappy.

I, for one, won't settle. I am not picky, just haven't met someone I feel is my soulmate. In the meantime I am keeping busy, meeting friends for dinner, playing with kids and doing things I always do that make me happy.

There are choices out there for her. She can always meet a divorced man, she can adopt. It's her choice. She needs to change her attitude.

I think nowadays being a "loner" or "alone" can mean something different to what it once meant (being completely disconnected).

I'd go as far as to call it a lifestyle choice that is rarely discussed, especially not in positive terms.
I much prefer coming to a site like ATS where I will always have interesting conversation instead of some bar or pick-up place, and all the risks that go with that.

They said about gay men in their 20s and 30s that too many focus on finding "a husband" instead of a career.
I mean, I'm not recruiting or anything, or telling social young people what to do, but I'm also so tired of this hammering people get who don't have a smashing social life or serial monogamy, or whatever other people think you should have to be healthy and happy.

Sure sometimes life sucks - but I think it does for everybody at times.

I saw a Taboo documentary recently about women in their 60s and even 70s who say they wasted much of their lives in unhappy marriages, and now they have money and are dating men around 35 (with special bars and "cougar nights" for that purpose).

Well I say good to them.
They feel they wasted their lives in unfulfilled and lonely marriages, and now they know exactly what they want while living their dream, and they're looking gorgeous too!

The problem with these individuals is that they have it completely backwards as to what constituted gender identity. Boils down to ignorance, as usual.

The medias propaganda and half truths filled many peoples heads with lies and totally unrealistic gender stereotypes and expectations.

In reality there is no solid behavioral traits that identify male or female, but the media will tell you otherwise in order to sell tons of fad products.

In order to overcome these issues, people need to be educated the truth, that all of this nonsense is simplistic prejudice.

This woman's real problem is that she had false and unrealistic stereotypes of what being a man is supposed to be. So she began emulating a unrealistic lifestyle and personal demeanor that has no bearing on reality.

reply to post by muzzleflash


Well that's basically it, but its hard to reverse because the images being pushed on women in the media are not just designed to sell them crap - although that's part of it. They are also images about women that women themselves like very much. This makes it very hard for most women to look beyond this image. It's as if you went to a doctor and he gave you heroin. Not only is the pain gone, but you feel great! And an official-in-charge doctor person is saying this is the way it should be! No wonder they don't want to listen to party-poopers from the sidelines who tell them that they're doing it wrong.

It's hard to grasp through a man's eyes since by now we are used to being bashed in the media. A whole generation of men has grown up with completely unflattering media sterotypes of males. In a way its been good for us because its forced us to look beyond the TV to define ourselves. But women have been pandered to. Come in, sit down, relax, the TV tells them. Let me show you how "fabulous" you are. This is a hard message for anyone to resist, and its sold to women so slickly, too.

So called Feminism has done more to damage and harm women's psyche far more than any chauvinistic male groups did.

I will further explain.

When someone decides they want to " end patriarchy " , or " end male oppression of females " , they already off track. They then proceed to generate a list of stereotypes that identify what is masculine, and what is feminine. Since there is no such thing, they are trapped into a failed system of prejudice.

Many Feminists claim they dont want to be stereotyped, but they turn around and continue to impose unrealistic stereotypes on others, men and women alike.

Their apparent goal is to replace , rather than eradicate, stereotypes.

reply to post by halfoldman

I saw a Taboo documentary recently about women in their 60s and even 70s who say they wasted much of their lives in unhappy marriages, and now they have money and are dating men around 35 (with special bars and "cougar nights" for that purpose).
Well I say good to them.
They feel they wasted their lives in unfulfilled and lonely marriages, and now they know exactly what they want while living their dream, and they're looking gorgeous too!

THANK YOU halfoldman for this. I had a gal friend who, after 50, found her soul mate, an older guy, and those two lived happily ever after. (My friend passed on, inherited cancer, but lived a happy life till then.)

reply to post by FailedProphet


Absolutely, great posts.

Keep it real failedprophet!

reply to post by Saucerwench


Being old and finding love has very little to do with the issues in the op.

The OP is actually about confusion resulting from false gender stereotypes.
We are all humans and therefore can share similar behavior traits, so all of these stereotypes are false info.

She isn't alone because she's over 40 , tons of men love dating older women.

But no one, male or female, wants to date a pretentious, judgemental, prejudiced , self centered narcissist.
Its far too high maintenance and too risky as they are considered shallow and frivolous.

Originally posted by Saucerwench
reply to post by halfoldman

 

I saw a Taboo documentary recently about women in their 60s and even 70s who say they wasted much of their lives in unhappy marriages, and now they have money and are dating men around 35 (with special bars and "cougar nights" for that purpose).
Well I say good to them.
They feel they wasted their lives in unfulfilled and lonely marriages, and now they know exactly what they want while living their dream, and they're looking gorgeous too!

THANK YOU halfoldman for this. I had a gal friend who, after 50, found her soul mate, an older guy, and those two lived happily ever after. (My friend passed on, inherited cancer, but lived a happy life till then.)

Now see, here's how it works in action. Halfoldman highlights an example of a media show that focuses on these "Cougars." I'm willing to bet that for every one story like this, there are ten or even twenty stories of lonley unsatisfied spinsters like in the article I linked to in the original post. But media takes the minority case and shines a spotlight on it, placing it on a pedistal. Then lots of people assume it is the norm, or at the very least more representative of reality than it really is. Then people like Saucerwench jump on the bandwagon about how wonderful it is, because it validates their hopes and desires rather than the cold hard reality. (Nothing personal to either of you - Saucerwench, I'm very glad your friend managed to find love; that's to be celebrated, but you must realize its a minorty case).

By presenting the minority cases as the norm, the media warps people's perception of reality in ways that leads millions to make poor decisions that ultimately make them more unhappy than they would have been if they'd just been able to acknowledge the more unpleasant truths and work from there.

reply to post by muzzleflash

On the actual series I can't say too much, because I had better things to do in the 1990s, although I did see a few episodes (I recall one female character dating a nudist, as she frantically tried to cover the furniture before it connected with his naked butt).
It was black comedy for housewives, or that's what I figured.

However, I recall seeing a sermon by a preacher on TBN who mentioned the series once, and he said it's a gender inversion - that is, the women act like men in their relationships.

They date and occupy powerful jobs with very little emotional needs or attachments.

Thus, unless we assume that women inherently all have a need for more emotion and attachment, then men have long been portrayed like the women on the series.

Now a lot of comedy is based on some form of gender inversion (the husband living under the slipper or cake roller, for example, which inverts widespread male violence against women).

Perhaps historically it was easier to portray men as the unattached player (see James Bond, for example) in a wide array of suggestive material, ranging from heroes in a static age, to older men, but the notion was that some long-suffering wife or woman would always be waiting, or willing to take him back after his "midlife crisis".

And indeed, that's what often happened in society.
Some women did it out of love, and some out of having no other option socially.

Of course men don't have a biological clock, and they also live shorter lives than women on average.

I know one woman who decided she wanted a child in her late 20s, and she had a fling to get pregnant, and the father is working on the cruise-liners, totally unaware that he has a child aged about 5.

Women actually have a lot more power in a reproductive sense (while it lasts).

And hey, married or not, most likely a lot of women will end up like The Golden Girls in any case.

And there's nothing wrong with that.

Blanche Devereaux - you go girl!

The whole idea that one is most healthy and happy if they marry and procreate is absolutely absurd.

I am so glad that people are finally starting to wake up to the fact that the traditional American family life is not wonderful like TV. It is filled with boredom and divorce and kids on meds.

There is nothing wrong with remaining single and going out to play the field whenever you want. It's not a sin to avoid commitment.

All relationships end.
Why not enjoy yourself another decade or two?

There is no exclusively correct way to live. To each their own. But to consistently say that marriage and children are the ultimate normal goal is wrong.


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reply to post by spinalremain


People don't have to be anything. They are putting far too much emphasis on labeling humans due to their predicament. This is abuse of imagination, and its not entirely their fault we are all vulnerable sometimes.

The establishment needs us to be ignorant consumers and by tying our minds up in complete fantasy gibberish, it allows the power brokers more room to trash the place.

Who am I? Who are you?
These are deeply philosophical questions, and by pretending our lifestyle defines who we are is madness my friend. You and i can become and are in fact everything and nothing at the same time. It is the spirit of Freedom that defines who we are in reality, not your possessions or what club your in or what achievements you made.

She made her bed, now she has to lay in it.

She fell for the media lies of easy sex and throwaway relationships.