Very, very short openning section of chapter to my short story.

Here in my mind i waited; over the distant hill i could make out the faint edge of darkness. The onset of the twighlight held my imagination and fear. It was the time for the hunt. The thirst that first drove through my veins, centuries ago, almost like yesterday; and here i was once again for the hunt.

What memories i had of them centuries past, dear Father, mother, sisters, brothers, my loved wife her children, and my pets all loved so dearly. Now echos in my heart and recessed in my spirit. The centuries that past they wouldnt let go of me.

Now the thirst again, its cold chill , the dread of its futility and inevitiable well of despair. Here it comes again the thirst and no holding back this time; with the tightness of its grip gnashing my insides and ripping them to bits.

The form lies before me a garniture of what once remembled life, so beautiful and pristine but now a crumbled posture of grotesque and the obscene. The hunger subsiding the feeding over, the memories return of of them centuries past, my home, the ones i loved and that unfaithful night they met the visitor at dusk.

What are you seeking? I read it. I thought it was average. It could be good depending on how old you are. I think the Vampire thing is worn out so the theme didn't interest me at all. I think your sentence structure could use improvement. If I was a publisher I would not read any further simply because the story seems tired, used and predictable.

reply to post by Socrato


yes i wrote it in 10 minutes and it is worn out theme. Hence why very very short because i couldnt see any point in making it longer.