To My Aborted Brother.

It was supposed to be a big secret that you ever lived.

I know it's not my choice to say so, but I wish you were alive and here with me.

You could have been the eldest.

You could have taught me so many things.

I feel I've felt your spirit,
Long before they confirmed your existence.

I know they only admitted their crime (and then it was a crime)
Because I disappointed our father,
And maybe he wished that I had died,
And you had lived.

You, my brother
Who is a whisper on the wind
Of my existence.

A girl of 16,
Scrapped out from the inside on a kitchen table.
The dirty secrets of heterosexuality.

He would have done the same again, but our mother put her foot down.

So my brother, I hear you in the wind.
I always knew you were there.

You were alive, you were a perfect infant child.
How could they kill you like that?
You had fingers and legs and a brain.

Where is your body?
I suppose you don't have a grave.

I know that you would have been straight, and the perfect son.
And maybe every-time they see my imperfection they see you.
You should have lived like me,
And I should have died like you.

I believe in a woman's right to choose,
And I'm not here to judge.
However, I also think choice comes from all kinds of information.
Perhaps if I share some of my experience here it could influence "choice".

I'd love to see my eldest brother alive.
Not a day passes where I don't think of the possibility.
And why did he die?
Money or scandal are all long resolved.
He could be with me now.

beautiful.... nothing more i can say... just... beautiful... thanks for sharing

I wouldn't use the word beautiful... More like "Yak".. For numerous reasons.

reply to post by Sinny


Each to their own i guess... peace out

reply to post by halfoldman


death is a natural part of life, and more often than not do i see people effected negativity by life's processes. It seems you may be affected negatively from ur brothers death. Just know whatever lays ahead of us after we die ur bro is in the same place and you will see him.

"Rejoice for those that have passed on to the force, mourn them do not, miss them do not".
-yoda

I don't want to make a political point, since this was all done before abortion was legal (and they still did it), but I rather wanted to focus on how the knowledge of an unborn child permeates or intrudes on our existence.

If that is "yuck", then my apologies.

And I do think the judgements get passed down to living children, because eventually there's a great question of "What if"?

reply to post by halfoldman


shhh..... shhhh....
lil brother
its alright
i'm here
right here in your heart
love me
i love you

hmmm..while I can sympathize with you for losing an older brother, I think it is dangerous to think that you were robbed of having this "perfect" older brother.

Many older brothers are great at tormenting their younger siblings, and I'm sure there are more than a handful that wish their older brothers had never been born into their families, because of the grief and pain they have caused.

We always tend to idolize the dead, and it really isn't a true picture of reality.

Now I'm not saying that he should have been aborted..just saying that it is dangerous to idolize those who never had the chance to do damage.

reply to post by halfoldman


Your post seems to imply that you are gay? Since you say "you would have been straight". But I may be misunderstanding, if my previous assumption is true, is gayness your "imperfection"? If so, did your parents make you feel like that?

Also, had your parents had your brother, the probability of you still being born is likely astronomically small. As every tiny little circumstance in life ripples its way through the rest. So be careful what you wish for.

My sister had an abortion. Years later, she had a beautiful son. When he was about 3, he came in the room and found his mom crying. When he asked her why she was crying, she told him the truth: that years ago, she had a baby in her tummy and made the decision to abort it. And she was still sad about it sometimes. Without a skipping a beat, her little boy said, "But mom, that was me. You weren't ready for me so I had to wait."

Abortion is never pretty or easy.

reply to post by WhisperingWinds

Yeah, thinking about it certainly tends towards idealization, and then all kinds of rationalization.

I'll never know what he might have been like.

But I suppose parents who regret their decision cannot really hide some kind of comparison eventually.

The living children feel it.

Originally posted by UdonNiedtuno
reply to post by halfoldman

 

Your post seems to imply that you are gay? Since you say "you would have been straight". But I may be misunderstanding, if my previous assumption is true, is gayness your "imperfection"? If so, did your parents make you feel like that?

Also, had your parents had your brother, the probability of you still being born is likely astronomically small. As every tiny little circumstance in life ripples its way through the rest. So be careful what you wish for.

Yes I am gay.

The birth order theories suggest that with male children the chances of being gay go up 30 percent with every male child.

I do have a living older brother residing in another country, who is straight.

I don't think he even realizes he was the second eldest, and not the eldest, and that he escaped the same fate quite narrowly.

I just wanted to look at the issue from a sibling's point of view, and especially as people are aging it seems to get worse.

What the living children lack can be conveniently placed onto a "ghost".

But perhaps that "ghost" has always been there and affected everything.

One way or the other it continually affects social and family relationships.

reply to post by weaverre


You realize that if peace is out that means war is in, don't you?

reply to post by halfoldman


Don't worry friend if he can hear you, you will be joining him soon in the whisper of an eyelash. I would be envious of little brother because they walk in peace, with God, while you struggle here in an unjust world with your memories or visions of what might have been. Just like the rest of us and even those who have had to make the tough decision to send "little brother" to God early.

Although it is little consolation, keep in mind through-out many parts of the world "little brother" has the right to live but "little sister" is going to be sent to God early with no one left alive who even misses them. If it were not so the laws would change and the "brothers" who grew up and learned they were privileged would have changed things. No, they clearly do not miss the little sisters whose lives were deliberately snuffed out - so they may live.

While there are a few little brothers listening to your prayer - there are millions upon millions of little sisters who hear and know what you are talking about. Killed not because no one could raise them, but because they were girls. Tuff life - as you so well and thoroughly point out.

I had to come out of lurkdom to reply to your post.

You did the best thing for yourself writing that letter. I am of the mind that writing things out really helps. I believe he knows you've acknowledged him, that's all you can do. It's difficult to mourn someone you know you love though you've never met them. Sometimes people have to make tough decisions, sometimes people miscarry... but the feeling all boils down to the same thing.

I still count birthdays thinking of how old my son would be. I went on to only have 2 daughters after I miscarried him late in my pregnancy. It is hard not to think of what is gone, to disregard them to me is inhuman. So I keep a journal dedicated to my son, that I will burn when the day comes that it is full.

Plain and simply, people deal with grief in their own ways. Live life and carry on, but never forget those who have been and those would have been a big part of your life.

reply to post by halfoldman


The daughter I did not abort (as my husband wished) is no longer talking to me.

What would have been less painful?

If he had been born perhaps you may not have been.

reply to post by halfoldman


Very thought provoking, and good comments to follow

The only thing I want to really add is that EVERYONE is imperfect, especially those who like to point out your imperfections. I personally disagree that your sexual preference is an imperfection, but you know.... your parents are entitled to their wrong opinions.

Much love to you!

Thanks for all the fantastic replies.

Generally I'm not saying that a gay orientation (or a straight orientation) is an "imperfection".
Rather, I'm wondering about the responses to this in the past.

I was just thinking about how we construct the past, and how reviewing the past from a present angle conveys certain emotions and meanings.

I don't know whether it has yet been established that finding out later in life that one had an aborted elder sibling is significant to identity (although there's been a fair amount of sociological and psychological theorizing on birth order amongst living siblings, not only on the gay issue, but also concerning careers and so forth), but I do know it leads to a fair amount of thought and rethinking.

Of course a lot of it might be speculation, because the unborn are both a presence and an absence - they can be a clear slate for all kinds of projections.

Perhaps that can be a reminder to the living that as long as they are alive, there remains a hope that differences can be sorted out and forgiveness and healing is possible.

reply to post by EvilSadamClone


Take a look at the world around you

aaaand given that my sons use it to actually mean ...well peace... while doing silly hand jestures that was the intended use... guess a dad my age needs to stop emulating the little beggers and put my flat cap and baffees on and go back to drinking stout and smoking my pipe of sailors old peculiar.... naaaah ferk it im gonna keep embarrasing em

Thanks for the heads up dude... peace errrmm and love maaaaaaan *gives a traditional british salute grinning *

*mutters to myself* nitpicker

Sincere appologies for trolling + derailing but seriously i feel for you and your mum my wife lost her first baby 20 years ago to a natural abortion and still feels to this day a great loss an so do my boys now to some small degree, who lost the experience of an older half brother.... my prayers for you and yours.

An ode to the living, while thinking of the dead:

Mike and the Mechanics - The Living Years: