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English paper/short story.

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posted on Sep, 16 2012 @ 11:14 AM
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Another paper by me. opinions are great.

Mods please move where appropriate.

This assignment is Finding Your Voice.

The best time I had camping was in the summer of 2007. Even though it didn’t go off as planed, it was the best and most frivolous week I have had in years. It was to be a guy only trip, camping and drinking and getting a whole lot of relaxation. The afternoon we were going to set out I got some bad news; one of my friends was unable to go on the trip due to some family problems. So the rest of us decided that we would bring our girlfriends. Because of the change in plans we got a late start, so we packed up the jeeps and headed out.

By the time we got there, it was dark as could be. And with no moon light setting up camp proved to be an interesting challenge. My girlfriend and I were the only ones who could set up our tent in the dark. We tried to search for wood to make a fire but hat effort proved fruitless. So by now it’s getting late and we decided to turn in. wouldn’t you know it I just fall asleep and my girl wakes me up, “Shane Did you hear that?” NO I was sleeping. I looked out the window in the tent, my eyes finally adjusted to the pitch black I could see. Sure enough, there is a small brown bear outside poking around the spot where we had left the bag of garbage. Well I told my girlfriend to just be quiet and it would carry on about his business. I was correct; soon enough he wandered back into the woods. I was so excited at this point I couldn’t contain myself.

After what seemed like an eternity lying there, I finally felt the heat of the morning sun warming my tent. Grinning ear to ear I rolled from my slumber spot where no sleep was had that night. It was I beautiful morning, the fog covering the ground for quite some distance around me. I went out and got what few pieces of wood I could find and made a fire. Hotdogs, and canned ravioli for breakfast; and I had not a care in the world. The only thing I had to worry about was weather to fish in the pond or in the stream. We went to both places; the only thing I caught was a baby rock bass. Luckily I had brought my camera gear, the fishing wasn’t good but the scenery was amazing to say the least. I walked the stream snapping pictures left and right. Fueled but the awe inspiring beauty that was surrounding me I walked a mile or so down the stream, then up the bank and through the pine forest area, stirring up the wildlife as I went. At this point I was alone; everyone went back to the campsite to get their drink on.

I wanted to get back to the site as quick as I could, I wanted to drink too. Walking at a quick pace feeling the soft ground under foot I had stepped down onto something hard. I felt it poke through my shoe and right into my heel. It was painful to say the least, bleeding pretty good and hobbling through the woods undeterred from this incident I made it back to camp. I cleaned out my wound and super glued it closed. Nothing was to break my sunny disposition on this wonderful trip. By now it’s getting late and we all decided to get wood together before sundown. We had found a small tree that had fallen. We towed it back to camp with the jeep, with only a small hatchet we took turns chopping it to pieces.

After the testosterone fueled man “Man Make Fire” event was over and we showed the women our man skills, we decided it was finally time to drink! And drink we did, late into the night we all sat around the fire shooting the # and telling stories reminiscing of days gone by. The rest of the night gets kind of hazy, alas it was the most fun I have had in years. And it was only the First Day!

edit on 16-9-2012 by shaneslaughta because: Paragraphs are Good




posted on Sep, 16 2012 @ 11:32 AM
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This is my first attempt at writing, i never cared much for it. I'm however finding out that i do enjoy it. i like being able to articulate myself. as I'm not a very vocal person. Finding out about my self as an active learner, i like to write truth. and i like to write free form and edit as i go. I think am able to see the structure in my head, and work it out while typing. what do you wonderful atsers think about this one? Too dry? Think a found MY VOICE?



posted on Sep, 16 2012 @ 12:07 PM
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pretty good for a first attempt... and for being brave enough to post it... english not my native language but found it easy to read and interesting.. keep writing and working on your talent .. s&f



posted on Sep, 16 2012 @ 12:27 PM
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It was a nice retelling of the event, but didn't capture my attention.

Your story has potential, if you focus more on the external conflict, and internal conflicts.
Build up the external conflict, set up the reader so he feels for you,
Elaborate on how you internaly dealt with the conflict, you determination, your ability to stay calm and focused throughout these conflicts should be what your emphasizing.

this was a thought after reading it.
Despite girlfriends bears or bloody heels, nothing would stop me from....

edit on 16-9-2012 by Observationalist because: (no reason given)



posted on Sep, 16 2012 @ 12:44 PM
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I was relay going for the joy of the time, regardless of the issues i faced. I had a hell of a trip!

Why what voice do you see the story portraying?



posted on Sep, 16 2012 @ 01:48 PM
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Originally posted by shaneslaughta
I was relay going for the joy of the time, regardless of the issues i faced. I had a hell of a trip!

Why what voice do you see the story portraying?


Exactly, it's your ability to find joy despite the conflict. Everyone has had a good camping trip, but what makes your unique is the issues that arise. In the process of describing the issues and describing how you overcame them to have a good time, you are letting the reader learn something about you other than you had fun camping.

I was interested in your ability to stay calm around the bear, the frame of mind to glue your wound. I could relate to how you adjusted your expectations when the fishing was'nt so hot, and your appreciation for beauty when you talked about taking pictures. I think your voice in this story is how you handle adversity, and how your zeal for life can outrun any obstical.

Well, if I got all that out of your story, then I guess it works. Being picky I guess

Some thins to add to help identify with the readers. Where was the campsite? What kind of bear was it? How many friends were there, what were you drinking? Where did you learn to glue your wound?

It's a good story the way it is, it conveys what you want it to, but I think it could be better, and could make your voice more insightful.



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