Top 100 Jokes From This Years Annual Edinburgh Festival...........

Here is the list of the 100 best jokes from this years annual Edinburgh Comedy Festival.......

Click on the link below...........

Obviously depending on where you come from in the world depends on whether you can understand them or indeed find them funny........

If you like a specific joke on the list then please post it on the thread with the joke number next to it so that we can all share the laughter with you....

Then maybe I can look at the responses and then determine what the ATS top joke would be........

Please also say what you think is not funny/crap/stinks etc..........

Don't blame me if you don't laugh at the jokes, I didn't write them........

My 3 personal favourites are:-

(1) "What do we want!? More research into a cure for ADHD! When do we want it!? Let's play swingball!"

(9) "You can keep paying us and we'll keep waving from the balcony."
(by Andrew Maxwell on the Royal Family)

(22) “My wife and I can’t have children. We don’t like them.” (Will Franken, Just the Tonic)

(33) "Google is like religion – you choose the answer that is right for you." (Trevor Noah)

www.independent.co.uk...

27"Fifty Shades of Grey; the new Farrow and Ball Catalogue. Or so my wife assures me that's what it is." Simon Evans, Pleasance Courtyard

Well that festival has gone to the dogs! Serious, they were the funny ones. Let's not bother with the rest.

P

reply to post by davethebear


Thanks for the laugh.
Favourites:
13 "Just had a near death experience. I was metres away when this dude got hit by a train." Iain Stirling, Udderbelly

14 "When Jesus went to heaven, was that not essentially 'moving back in with your parents'?" Iain Stirling, Udderbelly

32"The tattooist said to me that she didn't believe in anaesthetic. I said: 'I assure you, it does exist." Diane Spencer, Gilded Balloon

40"If 50 Cent was shot nine times, why doesn't he sound like a flute?" Luke Benson, Pleasance Courtyard

43"I don't sun tan. My sunburn looks like a 1950s propaganda poster of the spread of communism." Mark Nelson, Underbelly

44"Sleep like a baby? My kids sleep like caffeinated meercats promised a trip to Disney in the morning." Liam Mullone, The Stand

52"God Save the Queen: someone who doesn't exist saving someone who shouldn't – like Super Ted saving Gary Glitter." Lloyd Langford, Assembly Rooms

69 “I used to be in a very tidy rock band. OC/DC.” Rob Deering, Pleasance Courtyard

81"What happens in the Bermuda Triangle stays in the Bermuda Triangle." James Acaster, Pleasance Courtyard

83"Lately my husband has started pissing with the door open. No modesty, no decorum. Pissing with the door open. Do you have any idea how disgusting that is when you're trying to drive." Mary Bourke, The Stand

88"So I had this threesome at this swinging party. I fell asleep on a bed under a pile of coats and two people came in and had sex. That counts, right?" Sajeela Kershi, Laughing Horse@Espionage

89"Turns out us Muslims have a lot in common with vampires. We can't eat between the hours of sunrise and sunset (during ramadan) we wear burqas to keep the sun from burning us and we flinch when we see crucifixes..." Sajeela Kershi, Laughing Horse@Espionage

Originally posted by davethebear


(1) "What do we want!? More research into a cure for ADHD! When do we want it!? Let's play swingball!"

Lol i watched a musical comedy act doing thier warm up for the Edinburgh festival and they did a variation of that one..... "What do we want? A cure for Tourettes! When do we want it? Bollocks!"



CX.

Funny stuff
I like this one.
23"I am tired of hearing discrimination against Americans. Everybody hates Americans until they need to watch a good film, listen to some decent hip hop or go to war. What do you get when you add sunshine and personal space to a Brit? An American. Add health care and education and you get a Canadian." Dana Alexander, Udderbelly Pasture

Originally posted by pheonix358
Well that festival has gone to the dogs! Serious, they were the funny ones. Let's not bother with the rest.

P

Yeah, I quite agree with what you are saying there............seems to have gone down hill somewhat...they are trying to blame the recession and the olympics, but we all know there is more to it than that...........cheers

Originally posted by Phantom traveller
reply to post by davethebear

 

Thanks for the laugh.
Favourites:
13 "Just had a near death experience. I was metres away when this dude got hit by a train." Iain Stirling, Udderbelly

14 "When Jesus went to heaven, was that not essentially 'moving back in with your parents'?" Iain Stirling, Udderbelly

32"The tattooist said to me that she didn't believe in anaesthetic. I said: 'I assure you, it does exist." Diane Spencer, Gilded Balloon

40"If 50 Cent was shot nine times, why doesn't he sound like a flute?" Luke Benson, Pleasance Courtyard

43"I don't sun tan. My sunburn looks like a 1950s propaganda poster of the spread of communism." Mark Nelson, Underbelly

44"Sleep like a baby? My kids sleep like caffeinated meercats promised a trip to Disney in the morning." Liam Mullone, The Stand

52"God Save the Queen: someone who doesn't exist saving someone who shouldn't – like Super Ted saving Gary Glitter." Lloyd Langford, Assembly Rooms

69 “I used to be in a very tidy rock band. OC/DC.” Rob Deering, Pleasance Courtyard

81"What happens in the Bermuda Triangle stays in the Bermuda Triangle." James Acaster, Pleasance Courtyard

83"Lately my husband has started pissing with the door open. No modesty, no decorum. Pissing with the door open. Do you have any idea how disgusting that is when you're trying to drive." Mary Bourke, The Stand

88"So I had this threesome at this swinging party. I fell asleep on a bed under a pile of coats and two people came in and had sex. That counts, right?" Sajeela Kershi, Laughing Horse@Espionage

89"Turns out us Muslims have a lot in common with vampires. We can't eat between the hours of sunrise and sunset (during ramadan) we wear burqas to keep the sun from burning us and we flinch when we see crucifixes..." Sajeela Kershi, Laughing Horse@Espionage

Well you certainly liked a few there.....................69. “I used to be in a very tidy rock band. OC/DC.” Rob Deering, Pleasance Courtyard....is a good one too...............haha

Originally posted by CX

Originally posted by davethebear


(1) "What do we want!? More research into a cure for ADHD! When do we want it!? Let's play swingball!"

Lol i watched a musical comedy act doing thier warm up for the Edinburgh festival and they did a variation of that one..... "What do we want? A cure for Tourettes! When do we want it? Bollocks!"

CX.

One of the best thought out jokes in whatever variation I think...........

Interesting how jokes about psychiatric illnesses are accepted by the Conman the English PM but racist jokes are unacceptable. Weird. There are only a few comedians brave enough to tell the truth about the fear.



The fear is derived from "multiculture" resulting in censorship of comedy at present in England. Hence the p**s-poor comedy.

reply to post by davethebear


Most of them made me laugh,but i couldn't copy paste the entire list
I love British humor.

Originally posted by dr treg
Interesting how jokes about psychiatric illnesses are accepted by the Conman the English PM but racist jokes are unacceptable. Weird. There are only a few comedians brave enough to tell the truth about the fear.

The fear is derived from "multiculture" resulting in censorship of comedy at present in England. Hence the p**s-poor comedy.

Yeah, I totally understand where you are coming from dr treg......I went to live in Australia for 4 years and when I returned back home to the UK last year the comedy back home had completely changed. I find most comedy quite mundane now and it's all done with an approach of everyone being so careful not to offend anyone else...

I am saying this due to the fact that I have been doing comedy for quite a few years, but now I find it has come to the point of being so basic and kindergartenISH that I am on the verge of giving up, not because I hate comedy, but because it has been stripped down so much that you have to try and deliver material that I don't even find funny, but everyone else in the audience seems to be laughing their socks of.....Hopefully in the future things will change again, but I am not gonna hold my breath.....

But I quite like the video you posted...............doggy style c*** kick on the subway was funny....cheers

Originally posted by Phantom traveller
reply to post by davethebear

 

Most of them made me laugh,but i couldn't copy paste the entire list

I love British humor.

Glad that you enjoyed them......I suppose that each culture has its own sense of humour, some US comedy I like but I do struggle to find a lot of it funny........but hey, each to their own...........keep on smiling...