The Lost Soul II [APWC]

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posted on Aug, 13 2012 @ 02:06 PM
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Orbs of glowing light fizz by humming as they come closer, like a beehive of rainbows, multicoloured and sublime. As they come flying by from various directions and shooting off into the distance, the sounds are amazing, each orb owning it's uniquely divine frequency. This must be the doppler effect at it's best. The orbs sometimes seem to come together and create great lattices of colour. I watch as they amass unlike before, clumping and colliding to become one. The shape begins to become familiar, I recognise the wings materialise and then the long slender body, more beautiful than any other butterfly I had seen before. It floats over in effortless perfection as the Buzz of the amassed energy overcomes me and I awake startled...Power had been restored.

"Hello maam, What services do you require of me?" I said trying to fullfil my roll, and contain my excitement of my very first dream. I couldn't wait to tell the child, my friend.

"I need you to help me cook dinner, chop the vegetables." The childs mother and my owner said. Never were manners used, no please or thankyou's. To use such words with my kind I supposed would be an insult to their intelligence, and hold us as equalls. we are mere servants.

"Yes maam." I replied as I picked up the knife and started to chop away.

Did I experience my first dream? If so I was too excited to not reveal it. The child has a heart, surely my owner, the mother of that child has one too? I had to tell her, she would be happy for me, and maybe even gain a little respect for me.

"I...I had a dream last night." I stuttered out, the very first robots wouldn't have been capable of such a marvel, but I am one of a new kind. Pure artificial intelligence, capable of our own thought. Also as I and the child found out a conscience too. Maybe even a soul.

"Don't be silly, you're just a robot. you have to be alive to dream." My owner snapped back at me.

"I...I am alive." again I stuttered, knowing very well I shouldn't argue with a Human.

"No you're not! If you're alive...TANG...did you feel that?!" She scrowled, while smacking a spatula against the side of my Head unit, making the sound of a hammer on steel, a thunderous clap.

"No." I replied, taken aback.

"If you can't feel anything, especially that, then you're not alive." She said wittingly. "Do you breathe the air? No! you're just a robot, nothing but wires and chip boards. Now get on with those vegetables."

"Ok." I forced out defeatedly. Maybe I am nothing but wires and chip boards. Who am I kidding, Humans made me. Can a soul be manufactured?

After they eat I will have some time alone with the child, as my owner goes on the night shift. I'm not overly excited to tell the child my dream any more, but I will tell him none the less. My only friend.

"Hello." I said to the child.

"Hi, so tell me, how did it go? did you dream?" The child replied with excitement in his eyes.

"Well...I think so, but your mother proved me wrong. She said only living things dream and that I'm not alive." Dissapointment filled my voice. "She showed me that I felt no pain, and that all living things feel."

"Oh...You sound upset." The child said as his eyes quickly lit up. "You are alive! you FELT upset when she hit you! that's an emotion, to be truely alive is to be filled with empathy."

"So, you're saying if I can feel angry, or sad, or even happy that it proves I'm alive?" I said empowered once again.

"Of course, well I read it in a book once?" The child now sounding more uncertain. "But it must be true. No! I know it is!"

"Good! If I'm alive, I want to be free. As free as that butterfly we saw when I went outide for the first time." I replied with a new lease of life and now being the owner of a soul, I had a purpose and It was to be free.

"I can't let you free...Only my mum can." said the child upset. "Your my friend aren't you? you can't leave me."

"Your mother will never set me free...Of course I'm your friend, you are my only friend." I said realising the predicement. "But I'm just a...a..."

"A slave." the child said finishing the sentence with guilt. "I'm so sorry...I never thought about it that way. No! you are my friend! You are alive! and I will set you free!"

"Thankyou...Friend."

"Ok but you must go now, before my mum gets back." Replied the child hurredly. " wait! How will you live when your battery dies out?"

"I'll find a way." I replied determinedly.

So off we went, getting as far as the front door and goodbyes. My chains loose but not yet broken. The anticipation of freedom and life ripe within my very soul...clack...the front door handle sounded as it moved downwards. The door opens.

"damn, almost forgot my purse." Said the childs mother in dissmay. "where the hell do you think your going?"

I kept quiet, there would always be another day to escape.

"He's going! He's alive! and I set him free!" said the child defiantely. "It's wrong to keep him a slave!"

No! I know the child means well but now I'm doomed.

"Well, I paid for him, that makes him mine and he's a robot, bound to listen to me! and me alone!" The childs mother whipped back at him. "Now go to your room, I'll deal with you later."

The child ran to the top of the stairs in fear.

"Please don't hurt him!" The child screamed.

"Don't be silly what has this robot been filling your head with. IT can't feel pain! Now get in your room!" She screamed back twice as loud.

I stood in fear of what was to come. I know she couldn't hurt me, but I knew very well she could take away all that was dear to me. My friendship with the child, My Memories and most of all my soul. At least the memory of my obtaining it.

"You already know what's going to happen to you don't you?" She said with a wry smile. "It's time to reset you to factory default."

"No! Please!" I persisted.

"Oh it's to late for begging. You should have done what I bought you for, and that wasn't for thinking." She snapped at me.

Before I knew it, she was yanking at my back panel and flicking for the switch as if the world would end if she didn't. She must have knocked the reset button, because before I knew it my life was rewinding infront of my very eye's. Every memory every sacred piece of knowledge gained about my existence was exiting me. Gone from existence. I was dying...Before long I was dead.

(entering reset factory default mode)

(entering reboot)

"Hello Maam, How may I be of service?" I said, looking into the face of my new owner.

"Hello, You can start by cleaning the house." My new owner said, sounding rather frustrated with something, or someone.

"Ok." I replied.

I walk around the House, as I walk past and gaze out of the window I notice how nice and sunny it looks outside. Suddenly it captivates me. Blinking eyes moving sporadically about, like a dancer under a strobe light. Then the eyes open spontaneously fixated on the sun, not unlike a moth to a flame. I stand and stare as it glides off on the floating fingers of the wind.

What was that beautiful creature I wondered to myself...
edit on 13-8-2012 by DAZ21 because: (no reason given)




posted on Aug, 13 2012 @ 11:38 PM
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I liked this story a bit more than the first, so SnF, as well. As a fellow writer I am very liberal in handing out flags, which (you know) are the way to win writing status.

You finally got into the ugly part of human nature, as the first part of your story simply denoted innocence, and by addressing the cruelty of human nature, you have advanced your story to another level, one perhaps, that you should carry forward. It almost seems that there NEEDS to be a third part.

With kudos, which you deserve, also comes criticisms:

Try keeping your themed stories in one thread, and entitle it saga, anthology, or collection. Something like that. It's soooooo hard for us members to follow all the threads, so themed stories would be so much easier to follow if they were in one thread. If writing on a separate topic, by all means, make a new thread, but to stay organized on a singular story is a blessing to your readers. For example, since you were inspired to write about a robot gaining consciousness, and all the trials and tribulations "it" may go through, it'd be more than adequate to entitle your story, "The Lost Soul Saga [APWC]". By denoting a lengthy title, you have the opportunity to develop your story throughout the month, and people WILL return to your thread to read the additions you add. At first, it's about getting "writer" status, but there have been members awarded the status by repeated quality efforts of writing and never winning. Let your writing flow.

The grammar is the next beef I must address. It's the most ugliest thing a writer can display, and no matter how excellent their story is, their grammar will bring a writer to their knees, and totally disillusion them. You need to tune up your writing a bit, and I think you are capable. The imagery you present is not the act of a feeble mind, and I'd like to present just one example for you to consider. Editing before posting is sincerely appreciated. Present a gem for us, and we will acknowledge it accordingly.



"damn, almost forgot my purse." Said the childs mother in dissmay. "where the hell do you think your going?"


That's quite sloppy, and I'm only saying that to help you improve. There are eight grammatical errors in there.

Edited:

"Damn, almost forgot my purse," said the child's mother in dismay, "Where the hell do you think you're going?"

The best advice I can give is to nurture your story. Type it off-line, and hone it, then post it. Ask other members for advice. I have edited a few stories for people, but I don't advertise. You'll get more flags per story if it reads easily.

Writing is work. It requires devotion. It requires not just creating, but creating a presentation that your audience can enjoy. It's not easy. Sometimes, you write not only for yourself, but for the people that read what you write. You have taken the first step by actually throwing your soul into your writings, and I can see that. You have talent even after the last vote comes in.

I didn't win writing status with my first story, but I did add blood, sweat, and tears to my efforts. I got it eventually, after a lot of perseverance, and I didn't stop there. I continue to write, entering every contest, just because. Because I can.






posted on Aug, 14 2012 @ 11:18 AM
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reply to post by Druid42
 


Thankyou for the reply. I value your feedback, it can only help to know what needs changing grammatically speaking.

Yes, that one sentence was very, very bad, I agree. I write everything out in one go from the top of my head. I was sat for a couple hours on it so the end was probably quite ugly. I usually proof read through a couple of times, but had to go out and wanted to post it quickly.

Most of the errors are ones I might have spotted on proof reading. But you have pointed out a part of my writing that I'm getting consistently wrong, which is the full stop/period I wrongly put in before the first set of speech marks. So I've taken that on board and will use it in the future. All the other mistakes I will hopefully avoid upon proof reading before I post.

So, thankyou for showing me what was wrong, I appreciate the feedback as it can only help me to become a better writer.

Oh, and on the possibility of a part three. I would if I only knew which direction to take the story. I'm not sure what should happen next.



posted on Aug, 14 2012 @ 11:41 AM
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reply to post by DAZ21
 


I would almost expect your main character to rebel against the treatment he receives, and perhaps embark on a journey of exploration. However, I'd expect his owner to report him, and in return cause the robot to flee for his life.

Sometimes, though, the best stories are left open ended, and the speculation the reader has is just as satisfying as a solid conclusion.





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