posted on Aug, 7 2012 @ 05:31 PM
Well, as the title states, about 2 months ago I broke down. Suffering from pain in my neck, shoulders, kidneys and legs. I shake all over, I feel
exhausted, no motivation, desire to do or have anything, no appetite, and after a plethora of blood tests, swabs and samples no cause has been found.
Along with my physical health came a complete unraveling of my mind. I've been through a lot in my short years but I am in no way bragging and am
incredibly thankful for the opportunities that have been given to me on this earth.
I've been prescribed medication to deal with the crippling anxiety that has now become a part of my everyday life. I get so worked up over absolutely
nothing, and become overwhelmed with terror. My chest hurts, I feel nauseous and I just feel paralyzed. I can logically try to think my way out of it,
but emotionally I'm overwhelmed and I can't do anything.
I've gone on in a few threads about my current health as well as elaborated on a few of the incidents in my past.
How ever this thread is not about my break down. No this is about what I've decided to do about it. I woke up today feeling as I usually do, trapped
in this withering body, trapped in a world that doesn't care that were on a collision course with our maker. Something just snapped. I went out in
the yard with my dog. Laid in the grass, stared at the sky for about an hour. Just absorbing the sun, listening to the birds and feeling the ground,
then it clicked. If I am dissatisfied with the world around me there is really nothing I can do, but if I am dissatisfied with myself I have the power
to change that. I sat up, and began to stretch thinking, if I can't be rich or have an awesome job the least I can do is be the strongest, healthiest
me I can be. After a good 15 mins of that and a little pumping up, I decided to dust off the treadmill and it that for 25 mins. Went and got some
water, had a shower, ate some left over chicken and rice. Then it was a burning urge inside me. I went back on the treadmill and this time I pushed it
to an hour and half. I am absolutely spent but I have never felt better than I do right now.
I'm beyond relaxed and as the endorphine rush is just leaving me now, I have not felt more at peace and satisfied with myself in a very long time.
I've spent many a times talking about rugby to friends and family, telling stories and listening to stories of those who witnessed my games and
having been there couldn't understand running until I puked, or throwing my 160lb frame at someone twice my size, but I get it. I forgot, but I get
There is something about being in touch with our physical beings that so many of us seem to forget, or feel is unnecessary, and this couldn't be
further from the truth. I've always loved meditation, and it's opened many doors, to wonderful thoughts and feelings but nothing is quite as good as
feeling your body feel as if it can go no further and then overcoming that feeling and proceeding forward, 1, 2, 20 steps, a mile more.
In the face of an illness yet diagnosed, that has taken everything from me it feels really good to get on the old treadmill and just push it. Push it
until it hurts and then further. If I can ask any of you anything it's this, get in touch with yourself. Push it, conquer life. Prove how strong you
really are, and if you find out you are not as strong as you would like, only you can change that.
Confident, hopeful, and Exhausted,