Canada is interviewed in the style of Jiminy Glick!!!
Canada comes out to applause and takes a seat opposite Jiminy.
G: You know, Canada, you and I have something in common.
C: What's that?
G: One of the highest size to brains ratios in the world. Ha, ha, ha! I love it!!
(Canada chuckles weakly.)
G: You know, somebody told me that you are a country.
C: That's right. I am a country.
G: No!! (Slaps Canada on the knee with his notes.) I don't believe it.
C: It's true. I am a country.
G: (Leans forward and in a cajoley, whiney, high pitched voice.) And, Country of Canada, where would someone looking for you, on the map, find you?
C: In North America.
G: (Recoils in amazement.) No!! Not North America. (Wags his head from side to side, smiling indulgently, as to a fool or a child.) That can't be.
(Leans toward Canada to intimate something.) North America is already occupied, you see. That's where the United States is located and that other
country, that I can never think the name of, where tacos and illegal immigrants come from, Mexicans they call them.
G: Mexico!!!! (Slaps Canada on the knee three times, points and waggles finger in Canada's face.)
C: Canada is . . . (Canada is cut off by Jiminy, shouting.)
G: Where was I?!?
C: You were . . . (Jiminy cuts off Canada again.)
G: Canada is somewhere, it doesn't matter where. ( Tilting head to the side and meekly.) Isn't Canada . . . Canada is . . . in Canada . . . doesn't
Canada . . . somebody told me that you can still find honest people there, in Canada. Is that true?
C: I think so. Our Prime Minister . . . (Jiminy cuts Canada off again, curtly.)
G: I didn't think there was any truth to that rumour. (Skims notes in his lap.) Here's something. (Looks up smiling, rocking back and forth, and
rolling his notes into a baton and tapping Canada on the knee.) You're what they call a peaceful country, aren'tcha?
C: That's true.
G: You don't, (Taps Canada's knee with each example.) like, kill and murder and steal and butcher and drop bombs and poison and like, throw surprise
block parties in other people's countries, do you?
C: No, we try to . . . (Jiminy cuts Canada off.)
G: What's wrong with you? Don't you like fun?
C: Well, fun, I'm not sure . . . (Jiminy cuts Canada off.)
G: (In a loud voice.) You're stodgy and old fashioned, aren't you?
C: Stodgy? Well, maybe I a . . . (Jiminy cuts Canada off.)
G: (Slaps Canada on the shoulder with his notes, emphasizing each word with a tap.) Well, I like it!! That's the kind of stodgy the world needs more
of. (Audience applauds.) (Canada is beginning to recoil from the pain of each tap.) We have too much vi-o-lence in the world to-day. (A final tap on
C: I'd like to say something.
G: (Jiminy looks shocked, amazed, quizzical and earnest, in quick succession.) Please. (As Canada starts to talk Jiminy jumps up in his chair pulling
his legs under him and twisting awkwardly, shifting positions, trying to get comfortable, as Canada speaks.)
C: We like to think of Canada as occupying the position . . . (watches Jiminy struggling.). . . the position of an honest broker between (Jiminy is
tying himself in knots.) . . . countries who might have disagreements (Jiminy's chair begins to shake as he struggles.) . . . like when America for
example . . .(Jiminy shrieks and his chair falls over backward.)
G: (After getting up and settling back into interview position.) That's very interesting. I didn't know Canada was independant. (Looks offstage.)
Stacey!! Canada says it is independant, but your notes say that it signed the Security and Prosperity Partnership
, and that it's Prime
Minister, Steven Harper, went to a Bilderberg meeting before he became Prime Minister and that Canada helped America, (Jiminy quickly stops short,
hiding his face behind notes and smiling embarassedly.) I mean NATO, helped NATO to install Al Qaeda and the Muslim Brotherhood in Libya.
C: Uh . . . well that's the government
. They don't speak for the people. (Jiminy cuts him off.)
G: You sound just like one of those nutty "occupy" demonstrators. Who voted for the government?
C: We did but . . the politicians don't talk about this stuff during the elec . . . (Jiminy cuts Canada off.)
G: (Wriggling around in his chair beaming.) This has been so much fun! Canada!!! ( Jiminy looks at Canada. He looks away. He starts to blubber. He
pulls himself together.) Canada! You! (He points his rolled up notes at Canada.) Are a special spirit!
C: (Smiles weakly.)
G: (As the camera is pulling back, Jiminy is talking to Canada.) You know, I heard that Libya is being overrun by locusts now that Gaddafi is gone
because he used to spray them, and exterminate them and the new guys, Al Qaeda, don't care about that sort of stuff, so like agriculture in Libya is
like, finished. (Jiminy tries to push two donuts into his mouth at once.)
G: (Disgorging his mouthful.) Yes but don't worry. Canada can't be held responsible for that.
C: I'm not too sure . . . (Jiminy cuts Canada off.)
G: Responsible is a word that America . . . (Jiminy beams.) I love it!!!! . . . is going to remove from the language with the help of (Switches to
whiney, wheedly, high pitched voice.) our new partner, Canada. (Bats quivering eyelashes at Canada as scene fades.)
edit on 12-6-2012 by ipsedixit because: (no reason given)