Jokes - What Are Some of Your Favorites?

HOW TO INSTALL A SOUTHERN HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

1.Go to Goodwill and buy a pair of size 14-16 men's work boots.
2.Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.

3. Put four giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads ......

Bubba,

Me and Marcel, Donnie Ray and Jimmy Earl went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls. They got the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside. Be right back.

Cooter

A Preacher a Rabbi and a Preist walk into a bar.

the Bartender takes one look at them and says " WTF is this a joke?"

Jesus Christ is dying on the cross, his disciples are gathered around, crying. Peter looks up and notices that Jesus seems to be calling him, "Peter, come hither!" Immediately Peter rushes over to the cross, only to be hit severely over the head by the roman guard. He gets on his feet again and wants to return to the other disciples when he hears Jesus calling again, "Peter, come hither!" So, again Peter tries to climb the cross to get to his lord, when the roman soldier draws his sword and chops Peter's arm off. Peter is getting a little pissed and wants to go back to his buddies, but again Jesus summons. The roman guard can't believe that Peter is trying yet AGAIN to climb to the cross, and chops off another arm. Peter is now covered in blood and demented from the blow to the head and wants to call it a day. Jesus hoarsly croaks, "Peter, please, come to me!" By now, the roman gurad is tired of chopping limbs, so he lets Peter be. The faithful disciple struggles to climb the cross (without arms mind you) and after a long while he finally arrives at his Lord's side. Hurting, suffering, bleeding, Peter looks into his Master's eyes and asks, "yes, my Lord. What is it?" Jesus smiles lovingly and looks off into the distance as a weak smile plays across his face, "Look Peter, I can see your house from here!"

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what's the difference between a hooker and a lawyer?


a hooker will stop f'ing you when you're dead.


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a man goes to his doctor for a full physical exam.

the doctor tells the man,"you are going to have to stop masterbating."

the man asks "why"?

the doctor responds "because i'm trying to give you a physical."

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'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'

'Yes. What can I do for you?'

I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith ....He's hidin'
marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them
logs, but he's hidin' it there.

'Thank you very much for the call, sir'

The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house

They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?'

'Yeah!'

'Did they chop your firewood?'

'Yep!'

'Happy Birthday, buddy!'

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-subfab