Jokes - What Are Some of Your Favorites?

I think amid all the seriousness of the world today...that we at ATS should take a moment and be light-hearted. It does a soul good!

I have always enjoyed a good joke. I personally like jokes that are really silly and nonsensical.

Here are 2 of my favorite jokes.

Two peanuts were walking down the street ...and one was a-salted. (ta-da!)

What did the salad say to the refrigerator? Close the door...I am dressing!

As you can see my jokes can be told to the entire family.

What are some of your favorite jokes?

A blind man walked into a building.........

A bass player walked past a bar.........wait......you're kidding, right?

A man claimed his dog could talk.......to prove it he laid a piece of sandpaper on the floor and asked the dog what it was.....ruff, ruff.........said the dog.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Don't cry.

what is red and smells like blue paint?







red paint

A man had two dogs, he named them one and two, so when one died he still had two.

Two cannibals are eating a clown one day. One cannibal turns to the other: "'Hey, does this taste funny to you?"

What's cute, red, crispy and taps on glass?

A baby in a microwave.

My Thai girlfriend said to me the other day... "Having Smol Penis In Welationship Should Not Be Prwoblem"
















Still wish she never had one tho

reply to post by CharterZZ


priceless

As the coffin was slowly being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Wardens funeral, a voice from inside the coffin screams "OIIIII what are you doing.. I'm not dead, I'm not bloody dead, LET ME OUT" The Vicar smiles, leans forward over the hole sucking air through his teeth and mutters.... "Too #ing late pal, the paperworks already done"

A man is in an opticians.

the optician says, "you will have to stop mastu*bating*

"why? " says the man, "will I go blind?*

"No" says the optician, "Its just that you are upsetting everyone in the waiting room"...

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.' When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'

'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.

'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself.'

Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'

'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.

'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,' she said.

'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'

'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?' 'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'

You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.

The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'

'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.

The Genie Laughed, Huh 'No Kidding? he said.

'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'

Thank you all for your colorful, funny and interesting jokes.

Keep 'em coming folks!

reply to post by caladonea


This one relies on you imagining the joke spoken with an outrageous Swedish accent.

The Swedish Chemist Joke

A man goes into a Chemist Shop in Sweden and says to the man over the counter "Haloo, I want some de-od-or-ant".

The man behind the counter replies "What kind do you want, ball or aer-o-sol"?

After a few seconds of puzzled silence, the customer replies "I want it for under my arms".

What does Simba and Obama have in common? 

One is an African Lion and the other one is a lyin African! 


Why don't they teach Driver's Ed and Sex Education on the same day in Middle East? 

They don't want to wear out the camel. 


What do rednecks call ductape? 

Chrome. 


What has 2 legs and is bloody?

A half a dog.


I saw a butterfly this afternoon with a slut tattooed on its belly button.


How many Canadians does it take to eat a possum?

3. 1 to eat it and 2 to watch for cars.


What do u call 12 white men around an Indian?

Bartenders.


What does FUBU stand for?

Farmers Used to Buy Us


Why were there only 40,000 Mexicans at the Alammo?

They only had 2 cars.


What kind of gift do u give a dead baby?

A dead dog.


lol

What did the three legged dog say when he walked into the saloon?

... I'm looking for the guy that shot my paw

A retired preacher checking into the hotel says to the desk clerk


" young lady I certianly do hope that the porn channel is diabled! "


The young girl replies


" eewww, No you old pervert, its just regular porn! "





rim shot
hahahha get it? disabled hahahhha

A black man, a muslim and a socialist walk into a bar...

Bartender says "What can I get you Mr. President?"

A patient walks into the surgery as says he cant see very far.

The doctor takes him outside the surgery into the car park and points to the sky.

"What can you see?" he asks the patient.

"The sun" the patient replies.

"How far do you want to see then?" the doctor enquires

After church one Sunday, the priest shook hands with the not very bright twins, Tim and Tom. He noticed Tim had a black eye.

"How'd you get that shiner?" the priest asked Tim.

"Well," had said, "We was in church - and it was time to stand up. Mrs. O'Brien was in front of us and when she stood up, her dress was stuck in her crack - So, I pulled it out. She turned around and slugged me!"

The next week, after mass, the priest notices Tom has a black eye.

"Geez," he asks, "Now how in the world did You get hit?"

"Well", Tom said, "We was in church behind Mrs. O'Brien again and when she stood up, her dress wasn't in her crack. And me, I know how much she hates that, So, I stuck it back in!!"