Peter Pan Syndrome

Is it every man that has this? Or just a select few? My husband spent 17 long [SNIP] years chasing the big dream. Being in "bands". Trying this one, trying that one, wanting to "play out", wanting to "take the show on the road". I couldn't get him to understand that once he had a family, THAT was more important. Bringing a steady paycheck in was more important. It wasn't up to my father, or my brother, or me, to pay our bills. It should have been up to him to grow up and be a man. Heck even his own father agreed.The only person that didn't? Him. When he got a blood clot and would up in a hospital 3 times who was there? Me. When my health began rapidly declining a couple of years ago, last year he decided he didn't want to be married any more. He told me he made that decision on our tenth anniversary 6 years ago but just didn't say anything.



So for 6 years he kept silent. Not sure what to say to that. It's kind of hard to argue against a kid. A man you can have an intelligent conversation with, a kid, well, you can't. His parents are angry with him and think he's an idiot. I'd have to go with mom and dad on this one. He refused to let me residential my autistic daughter because he

Didn't want her living with those retards.

Oh, so it's ok for her to go to school with them, but not ok for her to live with them. Classy. Moron! So I was forced to pull her out of school and move to NC from NY. She got pissed at me that daddy left and thought that if she beat me daddy would come running back. He actually said I'm not going to come back to you to get her to stop beating you. Thanks for thinking highly of yourself but I never asked what I did ask was help with your daughter since you did force me to pull her from her school.

After nine months of her beating me so badly that she nearly killed me I finally drove her to her fathers and literally dropped her on his doorstep. I told him you helped create this problem, you want nothing to do with it, now you can grow up and help fix it. He was PISSED. First time she got out of control she tried killing his girlfriend and his neighbors called the cops. Now she's in a veterans hospital in a psych ward and has been there for about a month. She likes it there. She likes it there because she doesn't have to deal with him. She hates his guts and thinks he's a jerk. (I quite agree but never told her.) He keeps telling her I don't love her anymore and that's why I took her there. Jerk. If I didn't love her, would I call at 4 in the morning? Meanwhile when she was here he called once every 3 weeks if that. I call 3 times a day. It's killing me to be away from here, but she was physically killing me when she was here. When he didn't call, she would beat me because I was suppose to know what was going on in PA from NC. I'm not psychic. I would tell her that daddy must be busy working but he loves you very much. I don't in hurting the kids in a divorce. I don't think right, or fair to them. Apparently Peter Pan thought otherwise.

When I married Peter Pan, it was till death do us part. Sickness and in health. I never realized it was in your sickness and MY health. I wish I knew then what I know now. I wonder what I would do over again....

In the words of my father: Deal with it.

You can either make the best of a bad situation or make a bad situation a good one. I'm not sure if you posted this just to blow off steam and didn't want anyone to respond, but here it is. These problems are yours and only you can deal with them. Those with experience can advise, but a person asking for advice is usually already knows they're going to be told to do what they knew had to be done to begin with.

As far as the Peter Pan Syndrome? The problem isn't with your ex, it's with you, and you not seeing it and reacting to it in the appropriate time. The man wants to chase his dreams, there's no crime in that. Perhaps your daughter SEEING that will encourage her to chase hers. But all you're really saying is that him chasing his dreams has made life difficult for you. You couldn't handle your daughter, why be upset when he can't?

If you're looking to blame someone, look in a mirror.

Getting upset because a person is trying to be happy is vile. I'm not defending him, I probably wouldn't socialize with him in any meaningful way, but neither would I socialize with you if the above post is an accurate representation of your mentality. You're coming off as one screw away from unhinged, violent, and willing to lay the blame anywhere but at your own feet. Peter might have had a problem, but Wendy followed him. She just had the sense to make things right, in the end.

Good luck,

Arrow

i was waching this video that talks about the 7 essene mirrors in witch explains what relashionships actually can mean to us,i hope you find some answers to your questions.it is two hours long,but i found it very intresting and helpfull.my best wishes to you and family.www.youtube.com...

reply to post by Arrowmancer


I couldn't agree more, Arrow. This person sounds highly irritable, and more than lightly temperamental. Unable to articulate frustration without tearing down half a dozen people in the process, finding everything at fault with others while claiming every fault with themselves was created by others. I guess the OP can't handle an adult life very well...I've met people with worse lifestyles who still manage a smile and a modicum of civility.

Misery likes company...and in this case, it found the ATS hotline.

reply to post by happyhomemaker29


As I'm sure you're going to see from replies, Peter Pan syndrome actually is pretty common. Not amongst only men, but people in general.

Ideas like needing to straighten up and settle down when you have kids and being there for those that were there for you are not highly valued traits these days.

so you did leave him, and moved away, and why didn't you take it upon yourself at that point to "residential" (not sure what that means a home i suppose) her. you just drop her off to her unfit father and let her go to a mental ward? that must be doing wonders for her. good call ditch your child and tell your ex to deal with it. and you call your self a mother? should probably be a little more hesitant next time before posting on internet that you abandoned your child to a unfit father and let her sit in a mental institution, all so so you can simply bash your ex, good for you hope you sleep well at night, and don't worry im sure the doctors are giving her awesome meds that just make her in to a useless blob of a person. as long as your happy i suppose

may have taken it a little far here but seriously consider your daughter and not focus on your dislike for your ex your child is innocent in all of this. i know being criticized on your parenting is like the worst insult any parent could receive but "come on" :

Is it possible her account got hacked and we're getting trolled? I just looked at the username of the OP and my mind went totally blank for a few minutes. I got riled up... if troll, good job.

reply to post by happyhomemaker29


Hey dude. Sorry to hear that you are having a hard time. I say forget the past and dont regret. Try to move your mind to more positive things hey. You cant change the past so dont worry about it. Find some positives in your future and focus on them hey.

Have a great day.

reply to post by happyhomemaker29


I'm very sorry for your situation. Your ex sounds like a complete douche bag. And this is coming from me, not the best guy to give advice about relationships seeing as my marriage is failing and i'm going to leave.

but....

This guy is too much. i'm a musician, i will never stop playing and making music, but I'm not stupid enough to ignore my responsibilities in life. Sure, at one time, I had a good enough band that I could have made a go at it, but I had a live in girlfriend to help support, so I "manned up" and started a career.

I've yet to meet a man who isn't a boy at heart, but that doesn't excuse being a douche.

Originally posted by DIRTYDONKEY
so you did leave him, and moved away, and why didn't you take it upon yourself at that point to "residential" (not sure what that means a home i suppose) her. you just drop her off to her unfit father and let her go to a mental ward? that must be doing wonders for her. good call ditch your child and tell your ex to deal with it. and you call your self a mother? should probably be a little more hesitant next time before posting on internet that you abandoned your child to a unfit father and let her sit in a mental institution, all so so you can simply bash your ex, good for you hope you sleep well at night, and don't worry im sure the doctors are giving her awesome meds that just make her in to a useless blob of a person. as long as your happy i suppose

may have taken it a little far here but seriously consider your daughter and not focus on your dislike for your ex your child is innocent in all of this. i know being criticized on your parenting is like the worst insult any parent could receive but "come on" :

edit on 9-5-2012 by DIRTYDONKEY because: felt like a big meanie

Unfortunately I tried to residential her here. The way it works here is most places only accept boys. Those that do accept girls don't accept girls with mental retardation below 70. Hers is 50. Some places don't take girls with behavioral problems. Most children with autism do have behavioral problems. And the ones that do accept, have severely long waiting lists. (think at least a year or two) Trust me, I did try. And in all honesty, I don't dislike my ex, I'm disappointed by his behavior. I did not want to take my daughter up to his place, but there's only so many times you can be choked to the point of almost passing out, having her sit on your back and twist your neck, throw you across the room, physically rip your hair from your head because McDonald's gave you a Happy Meal in a bad and not a box and therefore YOU screwed up the order so she beats you. I've tried the ER for help and had the psych doctors release her while she's beating and tell me if she's still beating me in the parking lot call 911 in the parking lot have the sheriff come to the parking lot, bring her back into the ER and have the sheriff readmit her. Well why in God's name are you discharging her then????? I've had 911 tell me to stop calling. I've had a severely pulled stomach muscle but had the sheriff tell me since I was still standing, I didn't look that hurt. You name it, it's happened. I have a rod on my spine that can paralyze me at any minute. Everytime she attacked me, I risked being paralyzed. I didn't want to take her to her to her father's but he helped create the situation, it was time for him to grow up, and stop ignoring his daughter and start taking care of the situation he helped create. I had to deal with physical abuse for 9 months! I had social services involved for 9 months. They couldn't even remove her from the home because there was no where for them to put her! No foster home wanted to deal with her. That was what I had to deal with.

Originally posted by Arrowmancer
Is it possible her account got hacked and we're getting trolled? I just looked at the username of the OP and my mind went totally blank for a few minutes. I got riled up... if troll, good job.

No, I did post it. If you look at Manhater's account, my sister, you'll see some of the stuff my daughter has put us through.

Originally posted by phishyblankwaters
reply to post by happyhomemaker29

 

I'm very sorry for your situation. Your ex sounds like a complete douche bag. And this is coming from me, not the best guy to give advice about relationships seeing as my marriage is failing and i'm going to leave.

but....

This guy is too much. i'm a musician, i will never stop playing and making music, but I'm not stupid enough to ignore my responsibilities in life. Sure, at one time, I had a good enough band that I could have made a go at it, but I had a live in girlfriend to help support, so I "manned up" and started a career.

I've yet to meet a man who isn't a boy at heart, but that doesn't excuse being a douche.

Thank you. I appreciate that. I don't begrudge people following their dreams. Not in the least. But not at the expense of responsibilities.

Your story seems to dovetail with aspects of another we have been told about for several months.
Yet the screen name is different,
Might the other name be too indicative of the reason for your woe.
(It's all his fault but it ain't really?)

Originally posted by Aliensun
Your story seems to dovetail with aspects of another we have been told about for several months.
Yet the screen name is different,
Might the other name be too indicative of the reason for your woe.
(It's all his fault but it ain't really?)

I wouldn't know which person of whom you speak, so I can't say. I know, myself personally, to help myself deal, I'm going to see if I can find a class of some sort and a therapy class to help deal with every thing. When my daughter was down here I called him often to let him know how she was doing. Right now, I can't get him to answer the phone to get him to even tell me how she is, if he received the package I sent her. I send her a package a month. An outfit, a toy, beauty product to encourage her to bathe, etc....

For those looking for ulterior motives, please, stop. Do you know why I posted? I posted to get things off my chest. I've been dealing with a husband who has been treating me like sh*t for 17 years. I was just too dumb and in love to see it. I'll admit it. But when I stood up for myself and told him enough was enough. I had never in my wildest dreams thought he'd disrespect me in such a way before. How I'd been.

This is a rant forum. I wanted to rant. I wanted to talk to my fellow ATSers. Not every single damn thing in here is a conspiracy theory. Yes, some things are, and that's ok. But my marriage breaking up isn't one of them. I came here because I am severely depressed and I was mistaken to think talking about would help my depression. I was obviously mistaken. I am very sorry to have taken up all of your time. Unless I am PMed, I won't respond in here anymore.

I was an administrator for residential treatment programs that provided services to children exactly like your daughter. I understand how hard it is with no help. If you need any advice or have questions about what you can do I can help you. U2U me.

I am so sorry that you have so much to deal with. Some comments in here lack compassion and understanding. I wish you all the best.

reply to post by happyhomemaker29


I wish I could say something to comfort you.

Hang in there..............I know that's not much but things will get better.

You are better off without Peter Pan and some very beautiful, smart women choose very immature men.

Again, don't know what to say to help you out - will keep you in my prayers.

Learn from your mistake. It's not how many times you fall, but how many times you can get back up that matter.

Life doesn't always go the way we plan it to go.

Maybe just you seek some type of counseling for yourself. There are good counselors out there that might have a handle on how to get you into a better place emotionally because it sounds like you are having to deal with a awful lot for just one person to handle.

I only mention this because with our oldest son we went through family counseling for about 8 years. We found a really good counselor, one that had actually gone through a rough life herself and wasn't just "book smart" but knew the heartache we were going through.

My oldest son was the child from hell, he's 35 now (ADHD) and a very good father but divorced. My two youngest are both high functioning autistic.

The counseling did help tremendously and many go by a sliding scale. At least you will have someone to talk to, to help you sort out your feelings and to be with you if for only one hour a week.

Take care & safe journey.



Again, you sound like you have a lot to deal with and need some one to help give you some good ideas on dealing with all this stuff.

Sorry to hear of your situation. I am well aware of Peter Pan Syndrome.

I don't have this, I welcome old age. My brother on the other hand is another matter. He is 35 years old and only dates girls much younger than him, his last girlfriend was 21, the one before that was 19. he always wonders why these girls always end up rinsing him out for money. I have to remind him of their ages and what he was like at that age.

Most of his friends are now happily settled down with kids and their own homes, while he is still renting and behaving like an 18 year old. My parent's despair as he is the only hope of having grand kids for them.

He needs to find a woman his own age who can kick him into shape. though most women his age are happily settled down.

Originally posted by DIRTYDONKEY
so you did leave him, and moved away, and why didn't you take it upon yourself at that point to "residential" (not sure what that means a home i suppose) her. you just drop her off to her unfit father and let her go to a mental ward? that must be doing wonders for her. good call ditch your child and tell your ex to deal with it. and you call your self a mother? should probably be a little more hesitant next time before posting on internet that you abandoned your child to a unfit father and let her sit in a mental institution, all so so you can simply bash your ex, good for you hope you sleep well at night, and don't worry im sure the doctors are giving her awesome meds that just make her in to a useless blob of a person. as long as your happy i suppose

may have taken it a little far here but seriously consider your daughter and not focus on your dislike for your ex your child is innocent in all of this. i know being criticized on your parenting is like the worst insult any parent could receive but "come on" :

edit on 9-5-2012 by DIRTYDONKEY because: felt like a big meanie

Yes, she left him and moved away with her child. It wasn't the mother's choice to drop her off. It was mine. I had enough. Officers were here everyday because of this child. They both knew about her problem well before hand and should of had her set and in place, well before coming down here. [But no, she was getting better. No excuse]. I'm not listening to the excuses. It's her own fault.