I'm sorry little man

Six years ago today, my wife and I lost our son. My three kids lost their brother. He was a twin to my youngest daughter. My daughter was born first naturally. But while attempting to deliver my son complications arose. To make a long story short, he went without oxygen for far too long. He was delivered by emergency c-section and kept on life support for one day before we had to make the decision to let him go. So in the same week, we brought home our newborn daughter and buried our newborn son. Absolutely the hardest days of my life. Over the years, I have written poems around his anniversary to help me through those tough times. Just thought I would share a few with all of you.

This was the first one I wrote:


I'M SORRY LITTLE MAN
HOW COULD I HAVE KNOWN
THINGS WOULDN'T GO AS PLANNED?
YOU SLIPPED RIGHT THROUGH OUR HANDS
LIKE TINY GRAINS OF SAND
AND 'TIL THE DAY I DIE I'LL NEVER UNDERSTAND

EIGHT MONTHS IN YOUR MOTHER'S WOMB
AND EVERYTHING WAS FINE
BUT IN THE FINAL HOUR
WE COULDN'T GET TO YOU IN TIME
I CAN'T HELP FEELING GUILTY
FOR NOT SEEING THE SIGNS
I CAN'T BELIEVE WE LOST YOU SO SOON
PRECIOUS SON OF MINE

ALL WE WANTED WAS TO RAISE OUR FAMILY
SPROUT TWO NEW BRANCHESON OUR FAMILY TREE
WE'RE SUPPOSED TO HAVE FOUR KIDS AT HOME
BUT ALL WE HAVE IS THREE
AND EVERY TIME I CLOSE MY EYES
YOUR FACE IS WHAT I SEE

WE LOVE YOU MORE THAN WORDS CAN SAY
IT BREAKS MY HEART TO KNOW
I'LL NEVER SEE YOU LAUGH OR PLAY...
HOW DID THINGS TURN OUT THIS WAY?
I WANT TO HOLD YOU IN MY ARMS
AND KISS YOUR LITTLE HANDS
BUT I KNOW I NEVER WILL...
I'M SORRY LITTLE MAN







And I wrote this one on the 3rd anniversary of his passing.


TODAY WE MARK THE THIRD YEAR
SINCE THE DAY WE SAW YOU LAST
I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW TIME HAS FLOWN
HOW QUICKLY IT HAS PASSED

WE HELD YOU IN OUR IN ARMS
THREE YEARS AGO TODAY
AS YOU TOOK YOUR FINAL BREATH
WE WATCHED YOU FADE AWAY

YOU TOOK A PIECE OF US WITH YOU
THE DAY YOU LEFT OUR SIDE
OUR LIVES JUST HAVEN'T BEEN THE SAME
SINCE THE DAY YOU DIED

TRUE HAPPINESS IS HARD TO FIND
KNOWING THAT YOU'RE GONE
BUT WE SOMEHOW FIND THE STRENGTH
TO LIVE AND CARRY ON

WE LOVE YOU MORE THAN WORDS CAN SAY
FEW CAN UNDERSTAND
WE MISS YOU MORE AND MORE EACH DAY
I'M SORRY LITTLE MAN


Wounds like these never heal, they only get easier to cover up. Only someone who has lost a child, can understand the total heart break it causes. I think about him every day. How things would be different if he were still here.........

I am so sorry to hear about that. Your story is sad. I hope it will scar one day... But sometimes, we don't want it to scar, if you see what I mean...

Man, that's tragic...

Your poems are both beautifull and tragic at the same time...

A star and a flag for you.

I hope all the best to you and yours. There is really nothing one can say to help you but I hope this poem I wrote last year somehow conveys a message which may aid you.

God does not take one away,
God merely moves them out of sight.
For they are waiting in bright light,
As you search in the shadows of night.

OP almost 14 years ago I had twins also. My doctor told me I was carrying a down syndrome child according to blood work. He wanted an amniocentisis done that day which he did perform on me (needle into the stomach to take amniotic fluid to test) It was done at 15 weeks. The day before this I cried all day. Five years it took me to get pregnant and now this. I was distraught.

My water broke and membranes at 26 weeks. The doctors tried to stop the labor for almost 3 days they couldn't. The second night I lost my daughter. The nurse only told my husband to come see that she thought I lost a baby, he couldn't bring himself to do it. She only put the monitor on me to see if I was still pregnant, but I knew. I was carrying a dead baby of 15 weeks gestation because of that procedure I should have never done. My son was born the 3rd night micro-preemie at 1 pound 6 ounces, super tiny. Three months in hospital and he is an A student, not down syndrome at all, smart, good looking and taller than me.

I was a mental mess after this. I came home with no baby. I had a baby but wasn't allowed to hold him. Only two months later was I allowed to hold him. It's very mentally draining.

I do know what you are going through. I know you must think what could we have done differently so he could be here. I feel your pain. I'm sorry any parent has to go through this, it hurts tremendously to lose a child. It does me. And I always had prayed for twins but mostly a boy. I got the boy and twins, but almost lost both. God Bless You.

It's good to talk about your pain, it helps. Great poems too. S&F

reply to post by DaphneApollo


I am sure my mother could somewhat relate, myself being born with a medical disorder that should have at least taken my life if not caused mental retardation. First two months of life it was constant surgery and had to stay in hospital. I had all the signs of a disorder that kills children but did not have the disorder itself. They had to laser my throat many times because it was webbed due to being undeveloped. Only way I could eat was through a feeding tube in the stomach (where I still have a very noticeable scar).

Doctors concluded I needed to have my airway opened at the base of the neck, which would have meant speaking through one of those things you hold to your neck. My mom said give the surgery another try and it succeeded, so no cutting throat. They said the chances of me surviving were likely as winning the lottery. Then they said it was likely I would die before age 8, later rescinding that prediction after tests. But held to the view I would be mentally retarded. Now I am a 4.0 GPA student, so they were thankfully wrong there too.

After being told that story about my first few months it made me not want to have children out of fear that might happen to them, although it is not genetic. The thought of losing a child is just so unimaginable that I really do not know what to say to people who have suffered such a loss.

reply to post by Misoir

Now I am a 4.0 GPA student, so they were thankfully wrong there too.

See, never listen to doctors. I've learned my lesson. They don't know everything. Is that you in your avatar, you look somewhat like my son. Your mom must be happy how it turned out. Keep up the grades too. Suceed in life. Prove them wrong. And, you will probably have your own children I'm sure of it.

My son still has scars on his feet from the tape on his see through skin from monitors, he had feeding tubes down his throat, tiny needles in his hands which weren't any bigger than the end joint of your thumb. IV's , tubes , oxygen tents, monitors.

reply to post by DaphneApollo


Yes that is me in my avatar. My only scar is under my tongue because they had to cut it and on my stomach where the feeding tube was. It is sad that any child has to suffer but that seems to be the reality of life... unfortunately.

reply to post by imawlinn


Your poem filled my eyes with tears. I can't imagine what that must be like. I am so very sorry for your loss. ~$heopleNation

reply to post by DaphneApollo


I'm so sorry for your loss Daphne. I truely understand how your feeling. I too somewhat blame the doctor. We had gone c-section on the first two kids, so we thought we would try natural child birth with these two. Being as they were smaller and the doctor said it would be fine. That decision will haunt us for the rest of our lives. I mean, all he had to do was put one shadow of a doubt in my head, and we would have went c-section. Without a doubt. Sadly, he didn't. I don't know if it was his over confidence or his track record of never having lost a healthy baby. Either way, he was wrong and he should have insisted we air on the cautious side and schedule a c-section. Again, I'm sorry for your loss.

And thank you to swan, misoir and sheople for your kind words.

reply to post by imawlinn


such beautiful and bittersweet poems.
my condolences to you and your wife. Losing a loved one is so painful. I'm starting to understand the pain never goes away, we just learn how to hide it. the saying what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, well I still have my doubts about that. We just learn to push on.
Glad you shared, sometimes it feels good to talk about it. and ATS seems very supportive about things like this.
Best wishes and God Bless You