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ATS Recap Headlines Revisited

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posted on Mar, 8 2012 @ 10:57 AM
I could not resist this. Sorry ATS but some of the Recap one line descriptions lend themselves to such different interpretations to my twisted mind.

I have not done them all, but here are a few that came to mind when I read them:

NASA Super Mutant Cloud Warship.

Reports are coming that NASA has developed a sub-space vehicle for Ninja Turtles and is deploying them around the world to combat regimes worldwide that are known to be developing weapons of mass destruction. The Pentagon said that at last they could admit where the missing trillions had gone and no more parts of the Pentagon building would be destroyed to cover up the development.

Peace Virus Resigns GMO Soldier.

Whilst protecting a military establishent working on viral weapons, a soldier from the US Super Infantry Batallion was affected by a Peace Virus that was accidentally released in an accident. We understand that the Peace Virus has been genetically engineered, like the SIB, and causes insurgents and enenmy military forces to lay down their weapons and surrender. The soldier felt compelled to resign his military status once affected by the virus.

Wikileaks Claims Camel Conspiracy.

During the latest outpouring of cables and Stratfor emails came an astonishing statement by a Wikileaks spokesperson claiming that Juilian Assange thought that camels were behind the sourcing of the information. Apparently Assange believes that Camels are trying to take over the world. Most observers considered this unlikely in view of the market position of other tobacco companies.

FBI Terrorists Spear TPTB.

Rogue (not rouge) terrorists who are thought to be a breakaway group from the FBI infiltration division today attacked bankers and senior politicians with spear guns. The CIA stated that a TLA was involved and has indicated possible involvement of
  • Texas Library Association or the
  • Trial Lawyers Association or the
  • The Lost Agency or the
  • The Latin Americanist or
  • The Last Alliance ot the
  • Theater of the Living Arts

or some other Three Letter Agency, but have not ruled out involvement by a Three Letter Acronym (TLA)

The FBI (Female Body Inspectors) said it was not them and passed the blame off to the FBI. The FBI (Food & Beverage Institute) denied any involvemnt and suggested the FBI. The FBI thought was unlikely as the Federation of British Industries was not even based in the US and concluded that it may have been caried out by agents of FBI (Finance, Banking and Insurance) despite the fact that these people were the ones hit. The Supreme Court laid the blame squarely at the doorstep of Iran.

The CIA (Cleveland Institute of Art) denied saying any such thing and thought it might have been said by the CIA (Cosmic Internet Academy)

Anonymous Alien Moon Technology.

A massive and anarchic, digitized global brain complex found on the dark side of the Moon during an unpublished vsit many years ago by American astronauts has been declared to be of alien origins. After running the inscription found on the device through a back to back pair of Cray EL90 mainframe computers for 9 years the text has finally been decoded.

"We are Anonymous. We are Legion. We do not forgive. We do not forget. Expect us"

Half Baked Cop Refines Silver.

Despite being a little short on brain cells a Police Office has managed to refine silver using a taser as the power source.

Area 51 Ninja Prescribes Drone

One of the Ninja doctors at Area 51 has prescribed a harmonic or monophonic effect or accompaniment where a note or chord is continuously sounded throughout most or all of a piece of music as a method of relieving stress in persons who are concerned about what may be happening at the establishment. When asked why there were Ninja doctors at Area 51 he declined to comment.

Monsanto Chinese Alien Flys

It was reported today that a man from China who had been genetically modified by Monsanto to be Gravity Resistant today became the first person to fly unaided. Although born in China Mr Wo Hoo was an alien imigrant to the United Staes back in 1984. Fears have been expressed that this modifiation may cross over to the indigenous population and lead to uncontrolled growth of gravity resistand local species. Monsanto has assured the US Government that will not not occur, and therefore it won't.

Obama Guns Down UFO

The POTUS today exhibited an astounding skill with six guns when he drew and shot down a UFO that appeared above the White House. The pair of gold plated Colt .45 pistols had been given to him by AIPAC. The reason for the gift has never been declared. An abductee passed on a message saying that the alien Cats will respond to this act.

Iran War Healing Teen Illness

Teenagers suffering from a lowered level of consciousness, with drowsiness, listlessness, and apathy, often after a weekend of partying, have not seen any of these symptoms upon being sent to the frontline in the War with Iran. One teenager said, "My lethargy has completely gone. It's amazing." He said that it was not connected to the ferocious drill sergeant in any way.

Giant Tebow Conspiracy Danger.

The US Government today announced that the United States was in serious danger from a conspircy to release the three hundred Giant Tebow being held in captivity in various states. Homeland Security have advised that should anyone see a Giant Tebow they should immediately report the whereabouts so that units of the National Guard can deal with it.

AREA 51 Russian Reptilian.

Ninja doctors in Area 51 today reported the sad passing of the only Russian reptillian. They said he had been looking grey for some time and had not been on the best of form since his UFO crashed near Moscow.

CIA Assassin DHS Personal Data

The personal records of a CIA (Confederazione Italiana Agricoltori) assasin sent to destroy GM seeds that were being held by the Department of Homeland Security were released to the press today.

Hidden Antarctic SOPA Species

When the Russians drilled into the lake in Antarctica they released a hither to unknown SOPA (senior officer present afloat) that had remained hidden under the ice in a submaribe craft thought to be many millions of years old. When questioned the sopa siad they were being ridiculous as they had only remained below the ice for a few years since leaving the Nazi base at the entrance to the Inner Earth.

Stem Cell Checkpoint China

In a bid by the Chinese government to stop the flow of illegal stem cells into China they have introduced stringent checkpoints at all ports, border crossings and airports. Immediately after the restrictions were imposed large camps of stem cells were spotted near the border areas and many stem cells have been found hiding in lorries and aircraft wheel wells as they try to bypass the checks.

2012 Alien Cat Drones

During 2012 a race of alien cats, who have been seen in UFOs by abductees, are rumoured to be planning using a series of drones over America to scout for cattle, and suitable places to create crop circles because they are bored and hungry. They need some snacks as they while away a few years creating doodles before the main invasion fleet gets to the edge of the Solar System.

posted on Mar, 8 2012 @ 12:05 PM
Latest one up


Politician Pets Religious Sheriff.

A Senator patted a Sheriff's head today and muttered there there. The Sheriff had been complaining that no one in his town was interested in God or lived by religious ideals any longer.

posted on Mar, 8 2012 @ 12:19 PM
Probably no one will have the courage to post on this thread, so I will.
Very funny and I just want to add that it has been nice seeing you on ATS, doubt all your contributions will save you now.

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