How I parted the Red Sea

This is in no way an attempt to deminish the miracle performed by the biblical patriarch Mose's, but is my own true account of how I replicated the feat in my own life.

This is not religious in anyway, so please enjoy it as my own personal tale.

It was about ten years ago that I was lying in bed staring up at the moon with my sweet heart by my side. I was lost in the moment admiring the beauty of that celestial scene when I heard a voice within. "Mind the seasons my Son.". I grinned proudly for being caught admiring the scene of the full moon in her beauty when I was interupted again, "NO, mind the seasons my Son!". A bit startled I thought what could I be missing? I am admiring the beauty of the scene, my heart is full of love for the moment...

Then out of the bathroom I heard a shrill cry that pierced the solitude of my contemplation, "You left the damn seat up again! and why did you leave your socks and underwear on the floor again!" What the? I thought. My princess slipped away while I was lost in the moment and transformed into a she-beast from hell! "Dammit, I am out of tampons!" was the final epipheny. It IS that season.

So, the dutiful man gets out of his restful state to once again bring peace and harmony into the home by making the obligatory tampon, chocolate, midol, and double fudge ice cream run, not forgetting the pickles of course, just in case.

What is open at 12:30 in the morning that would be serve as the proper hunting ground for such a game list? Walmart of course. The place where all manner of cravings can be met 24/7. So, I go through the light. That bright flourescent heavenly kinda light that is especially bright at 12:30 in the morning, particularly when your pupils are normally dialated. Inside I make quick work of gathering the essentials. The most dreaded prey is always saved for last. This way if I am killed in the attempt, at least they will see that I was successful up until this bastard. I steared my cart to the grounds of the fabled tampon. I knew what beast dwelled in those lands. Fearsome women who do not have men to go there for them. They too are in their season and doubly sore for not having someone else to tend to them. They will claw out your eyes on sight. So it is wise never to loook them in the eye. Their ears pick up your heart beat, so you best not look at them lustfully. When I arrived at the head of the isle, I knew I was in the right place for I saw them there. The red sea of women on the rag.

They hovered over the boxes of tampons like sacred guardians. I waited and waited, hoping to wait them out. For everyone that made a choice and left, another appeared. I knew if I waited any longer, my home would be destroyed by the she-devil there. So I turned to my father for heavenly advice. "Call on the wind my Son."

Of course! As if on command I felt a gurgling in my stomach. The pressure was intense. Knowing what I had to do, I proceeded down the Isle. Quickly I strolled past one Harpie after the other until I reached the center of the Isle. There I let lose the winds of hell. Silently they erupted from my arse with a heat that could only come from one deadly blast. I continued on to the end of the isle and rounded the canned goods isle. Up through canned goods and back around to the head of the tampon isle, Voila! The red sea had parted.

True story.

With Love,

Your Brother

i was on a first date many years ago, with this damn hot chick.. i mean she was smoking.. and this particular day i must have eaten something dodgy because i had bad guts and couldnt stop farting.
we were watching the movie and I needed to pee and fart badly (an uncomfortable combination) so i thought it best just to quickly go to the toilet and do my stuff... now as i was on a first date i was holding my fart in for ages to the point where it had built up and i couldnt hold it any longer... as i got up, i wasnt aware she had put her popcorn on the floor.. and unfortunately as i was passing her my left leg slipped on her popcorn and my legs slide apart, with that i did the biggest fart straight into her face... and i mean it was a serious fart directly into her face!!

I just left the cinema and didnt contact her again...


still to this day i do wonder what she must have thought... she was out on a first date with a guy, they went to the cinema, the guy gets up, kicks over her popcorn, farts in her face then leaves... without saying a word.

i dont know why.. its not funny in reality but still to this day it cracks me up when i think of it...

Originally posted by Misterlondon
i was on a first date once with this damn hot chick.. i mean she was smoking.. and this particular day i must have eaten something dodgy because i had bad guts and couldnt stop farting.
we were watching the movie and I needed to pee and fart badly (an uncomfortable combination) so i thought it best just to quickly go to the toilet and do my stuff... now as i was on a first date i was holding my fart in for ages to the point where it had built up and i couldnt hold it any longer... as i got up, i wasnt aware she had put her popcorn on the floor.. and unfortunately as i was passing her my left leg slipped on her popcorn and my legs slide apart, with that i did the biggest fart straight into her face... and i mean it was a serious fart directly into her face!!

I just left the cinema and didnt contact her again...


still to this day i do wonder what she must have thought... she was out on a first date with a guy, they went to the cinema, the guy gets up, farts in her face then leaves...

i dont know why.. its not funny in reality but still to this day it cracks me up when i think of it...

edit on 16/11/11 by Misterlondon because: (no reason given)

Now THAT is funny!!!

** It happens!

Thanks for the story.

With Love,

Your Brother

Lmao i just read this to my husband outloud, he thought it was great!

Originally posted by xynephadyn
Lmao i just read this to my husband outloud, he thought it was great!

Me too, I was talking to him on the phone, and couldn't stop laughing

Couple of great stories guys


Too, too funny

I laughed so hard reading both stories, the stories made me feel like I was standing behind you watching this unfold, but not that close.

LMAO!!

Thanks for the laughs guys

Originally posted by electricalpup
I laughed so hard reading both stories, the stories made me feel like I was standing behind you watching this unfold, but not that close.

both sotories are so funny.

reply to post by IAMIAM


Great story. I really like the way you write. There is a mesmerizing flow in your sentences...

Have a great day.