Questioning Everything, Would Appreciate Some Feedback

reply to post by muzzleflash


Like I wisely said - deeper issues!!

reply to post by Cinquain


Be careful what you wish for.

My sistrer's boyfriend used to toke like a trooper and everyone thought he was an annoying irresponsible git.

He gave up the green and went straight, he became the most boring reclusive person around.

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If you REALLY love him, accept him warts and all. Nobody is perfect. If there are problems, deal with them, work at it and enjoy what you have.

Good luck.

I really love this person and I have put so much time and effort into making things work with him that I can't deal with thinking about leaving

Why do women always consider the time invested into it as a factor? I'll never get that.

The thing you have to ask yourself is "Am I happy?". If that answer is no, then you've really got some thinking to do. Do you foresee a time in this relationship that you will be happy? If not, then you're on the way to your answer.

If he's just doing weed, that's one thing, but if harder drugs, then it's even easier...get the heck out of there.

Do you really think your first love will be your only love in this lifetime? You just have to ask yourself if you want to continue being in a relationship where you constantly have to fool yourself that everything is ok.

Originally posted by nerbot
reply to post by Cinquain

 

Be careful what you wish for.

My sistrer's boyfriend used to toke like a trooper and everyone thought he was an annoying irresponsible git.

He gave up the green and went straight, he became the most boring reclusive person around.

The issue wasn't that he was smoking pot - I used to be a major pothead and I have certainly tried more drugs than he has ever thought of, so I can't walk in and point fingers. It was how he was using it and what it was doing to him that was the problem. I watched him go from depressed but dealing with it, to being suicidal and not getting out of bed unless he was high. He quit his job, cut off his family and any friends that tried to reach out to him, and started lying all the time. This made him feel bad about himself, which would make him more depressed and more dependant on pot and alcohol.

If you want to smoke weed or drink to enhance the good that you are already feeling, I see nothing wrong with that. When you use it as a crutch to keep you from dealing with depression, I think anyone would feel the need to step in when they see someone they love doing that to themselves.

Originally posted by Gazrok
Why do women always consider the time invested into it as a factor? I'll never get that.

The thing you have to ask yourself is "Am I happy?". If that answer is no, then you've really got some thinking to do. Do you foresee a time in this relationship that you will be happy? If not, then you're on the way to your answer.

If he's just doing weed, that's one thing, but if harder drugs, then it's even easier...get the heck out of there.

Do you really think your first love will be your only love in this lifetime? You just have to ask yourself if you want to continue being in a relationship where you constantly have to fool yourself that everything is ok.

Am I happy? Right now, I am confused and upset with myself for letting this drag on for days. A week ago I was happy. 6 months ago I was happy. Like I said, things have been going great for the last 7 months. I have had no reason to question anything - yeah I found out he was smoking again, but according to him it has been rare and things are going so well does it really matter to me? So long as he doesn't go down the path he did last time, I can handle him smoking up every once in a while. The issue was him keeping this from me and even that was dealt with within a few minutes.

There are no issues now, this is why I don't understand where this panic is coming from inside me. I have been on edge the last few days and it's at the point where I don't want to see him because I am afraid I will end things with someone I really love because of what? Anxiety over nothing? It is only concerning him, every other aspect of my life is going as well as can be. I just had a moment of, a year and a half ago when things were really bad, I should have walked away and I didn't. I stayed to help someone I love and now, after 7 months of no issues and things going great, suddenly I feel like I was overstepping my bounds.

Well, there could be other factors... Maybe check with your doc, see if some anti-anxiety medicine would help, like Elavil, Ativan, etc.

I know that without these, my wife can sometimes be scary, hehe..

Benzo's such as Ativan are a slippery slope, and more trouble than they are worth if you ask me...physical dependency is quick and withdrawal symptoms can be deadly.

reply to post by ValentineWiggin


She's never had an issue with them. She only takes as needed, and has often gone without them for a good period, with no symptoms. (Ativan).

I know that it is possible to truly take them as needed, I have in the past. I wasn't trying to imply that she might have problem, just wanted to point out to the OP that if addiction is a problem in her relationship that adding the potential for another one might not be the best thing to do, also just wanted to educate her on how quick physical dependency can happen because a lot of people are put on Benzo's by their Dr. without much instruction other than "Take when needed" which turns into taking all the time and before they know it, a withdrawal they did not bargain for when they are out. I should have been more clear

Thank you for your responses. I have to say medication is something that I had not considered only because anxiety is not something that I deal with on a regular basis. Heck, I rarely even get really angry or sad. That's why this whole situation is beyond me right now, and having the impact that it is. I am one who usually follows my gut when in doubt, and goes with the flow of things the rest of the time, and things always work out well in the end.

So for me to have this reaction to a few simple words "We are doing so well", and for it to stick like it has, is really getting to me. I am usually very quick to process what I am feeling, figure out why I am actually feeling it, and then deal with it and it's over with. I am also surprised that at a time when things have been going great for so long, I suddenly start feeling guilty about doing something over a year ago that at the time I thought was a good thing for someone I love.

I thank you for your suggestions but I feel at this time I may just be going through 'something', a rut maybe, and I would rather not turn to medications to help me get through it.

I replied originally because this situation mirrors where I have been several times in my life. It is just a season of life, and this too shall pass. Hang in there, enjoy learning about yourself It's a wonderful thing!

reply to post by Cinquain
Have you checked with him to see if he has the same strong feelings for you as you have for him?. Establishing that will at least indicate that you are both on the same footing. As for you helping him to become the best version of himself; If that is also his goal then you are doing the right thing. You ask if you should just let him be who he wants to be right now, that depends if he actually wants to quit the pot use/drinking, that also needs to be established. For both your sakes attempt to get honest answers to these questions you will at least then know how things stand, and you can proceed appropiately from there.

best wishes

Originally posted by hotel1
reply to post by Cinquain

 

Have you checked with him to see if he has the same strong feelings for you as you have for him?. Establishing that will at least indicate that you are both on the same footing. As for you helping him to become the best version of himself; If that is also his goal then you are doing the right thing. You ask if you should just let him be who he wants to be right now, that depends if he actually wants to quit the pot use/drinking, that also needs to be established. For both your sakes attempt to get honest answers to these questions you will at least then know how things stand, and you can proceed appropiately from there.

best wishes

Funny, the night you wrote this comment I had a talk with him, but I hadn't checked in on this thread in a few days. I really feel I had just been going through a rut in the relationship, which made me question everything - from my actions in the past and the impact on how I am acting in the relationship now.

He told me that he wants to be with me and that he is willing to do whatever he can to make this work, so I believe we are on the same page there. He admitted he has been hesitant of getting too attached as he still has to finish school and there are other things he would like to pursue career-wise, and he knows that if our relationship were to break down, that would have a huge impact on the way he deals with these things.

I was really nervous about seeing him only because of the mindset I was in - our talk made me feel a little better as I know things are going well and I should keep my focus on that, instead of panicking over what I should or shouldn't have done in the past. Basically I am going to continue to take things as they come and any issues that arise will be dealt with as usual. I am happy with him and I love him - I can honestly say that. I just think there were some things that hadn't been dealt with in my mind, issues with myself, but I am handling them now.

Thank you for your response!

reply to post by Cinquain


I'm going through a version of this regarding trying to be with someone that is dealing with severe depression. I'm also at a crossroads as to what to do. It seems the more I have been there when she needs me, the less she needs me as she gets better. It's awesome let me tell ya.

Regaring your bf. I know exactly what he is saying when he says you make him a better person. He might actually really love you, but cannot get past his own stuff to adequately show it. Or he might be an A hole that is only concerned with his feelings and constantly neglects your needs because he is not truly happy in this relationship either. So tell me, which of the two does he sound like to you? and BE HONEST! Trust me, I know it's hard! I'm with the most beautiful and sweetest girl I have ever met or been with right now, and I'm having to look at my relationship the exact same way.

Good luck to you, good luck to all of us trying to find our signifigant others.