A bad person

On 9/21/11 my sibling called me from 300 miles away to inform me that our father had passed away. He was found dead outside under his shed where he had been working on his (homemade) boat. He was the last surviving member of his generation in the family.
I was close to my father. I called him weekly just to BS and see how things were going. I knew, and have known, for a long time that his health had been failing. Every time my mother would call me, I would answer half expecting to hear the news that he had passed. This has been the norm for the past 6 years at least. I knew he was in a lot of pain from a botched back surgery in the mid 90's, and his lifelong obsession with cigarettes didn't do much to prevent the massive heart attack that claimed him.
My father was a giver. As far as I can remember - he was always a giver. He has provided homes, vehicles, loans, and even bail money to me & my siblings. He worked hard so others could enjoy the fruits of his labor.
On one of my calls to him a few weeks back - he began to talk about dying. He specifically stated that he wanted to be cremated, with no big fuss made over him. He indicated to me that he wouldn't even want me to make the trip up there to mourn his passing as per his words "hell, I won't know nothing about it whether you're there or not...for all I care just as long as someone calls you & lets you know that it's happened....that'll be fine with me"
I don't want to see my dead father. I don't want my memories of him to include viewing him as a corpse in a box. My last memories of him are from earlier this summer sitting outside while he's grilling pork chops for everyone...I don't want that memory replaced by an ashen body. I have stated this to my family & siblings, and for some reason it make me wonder if I am a bad person. I have not grieved, although I love him very much. Perhaps because of the distance, I've not yet reached that stage of the process yet - and that by showing up there today then the reality will hit me. I didn't even want to go back there just to be with my remaining family. Is that terrible? Or is it just a subconscious way of trying to avert the grief?

reply to post by sykickvision


Explanation: S&F!

Everybody is allowed to mourn in their own fashion!

Personal Disclosure: They are your memories ... defend them! You are not a bad person and I only wish I had such a close relationship with my own father! My deepest condolences on your loss.

Blessed be the path that your father walks now.
Every person mourns and grieves in their own personal way and if you tell your family the reasoning behind your decision, I believe that they will understand.

Namasté

reply to post by sykickvision

You and me mother would make great friends. I on the other hand, agree the dead should be respected in their final viewing. Made nice and neat to absolute perfection, and I wondered why my mother told me that I'd make a great coroner. Keep your memories of them, they were a person before they became the corpse in the casket.

Sorrow comes in different ways for everyone. Grief is hard, remember them as they once were. You are not a bad person, you are human.

I am so sorry for your loss, my condolences for you and your family.

reply to post by sykickvision


No it doesn't make you a bad person.

Letting the reality of the grief sink in a little at a time by noting those missed moments at holidays or those phone calls that you won't make anymore are maybe a better way to deal with it.

Letting the reality hit you all at once like being slapped with a dead salmon is maybe not the best idea.

People can go insane from grief; don't feel bad for dealing with loss in your own way.

reply to post by AnIntellectualRedneck


I lived down the street from a man that lost his wife, he went raving (and that is a literal term) mad. He ended up being carted off to the psychiatric hospital screaming. We were thinking he'd be okay after he got out of hospital. Didn't make a difference, he hasn't been right since.

reply to post by sykickvision


sincere condolences on your loss. sounds like your Dad was a great man, bless his heart. i don't blame you for wanting to preserve your memories of him.

remember: there are reasons people move hundreds or thousands of miles away from family. do what you can do, no more, no less. i'm glad you have such wonderful memories of your Dad. that says a lot.

when imy mom died i went to the funeral it didnt do anything for me it may as well not have happened . but on the way out i started to read the cards on the flowers people had written for her and then it hit me i felt so weak my sister had to catch me to stop me from falling over i went home and burnt everything that reminded me of her because it hurt so much.

i wished i didnt

if i was you knowing what i know i say follow the way you feel rather than what people might think of you

You're not a bad person. You're absolutely right to do what's best for you.

You have the rest of your life to live and if you feel that it will be blighted if you have to carry a last memory of your father in a coffin instead of the happy memories you have, then don't change your mind for the sake of appearances.

You discussed it with your father and he understood, so think of it as respecting his wishes as much as your own. He wanted you to remember him in happier times.

I'm sorry for you that he's gone now, but I think you were lucky to have him. It's hard for some of us to dredge up a truly happy memory of our parents and I wouldn't begrudge you yours. I hope you'd do everything to keep them from being spoiled.

Thank you everyone for your condolences. I DID choose to attend the memorial service they held for my father. I DID choose to view the body in the casket. It was a rather surprising event, as the majority of the time was spent remembering the good times we all shared with him. There were a few tears shed, between family and friends alike - there were many more smiles and laughs shared reminiscing about some good deed he had performed or times that were spent together. As I write now, his body has most likely been incinerated and the remaining cinders ground into ash in preparation for being placed into the urn - yet I know the memory of him will live within us all for many years to come. He was a soldier, a policeman, a father, a grandfather, a carpenter and an irreplaceable oracle of good advice. I will miss my dad always - I'll never forget his voice, and I hope that my life makes as big of an impact on my loved ones as his has upon us. Thank you all.